We all become clown when we are in love with idea of some one rather than actual person. We create the version of person that doesn't exist and when that person is not similar to that version we get disappointed.

We want to get angry want to go to the extent to punish them but we can't cause they never were that person it's us who expected some things which were never meant, felt, feelings which were never expressed rather never existed, cause we fall for potential and not the reality.

Twenty one year old woman who went outside to start new life who dared to look at bright sight was shattered, went into dark abyss. Just because she thought may be flowers are going to bloom, butterfly will came to that flower, life would be come to dry desert.

I was in third year of my medical college. I was working in small hospital part time. Everything was under control. But i thought I should learn more. Lectures in college are not helping me to do any progress and there's nothing left to get in that small clinic. If I want to be good doctor fast i need to be around more professional and successful people.

I always felt like muggel like in Harry Potter in between people in my college cause they were related with doctors some of them were third or fifth generation of doctor family. They always had exposure to that so called rich hospital experience. They have been in big hospitals, have been dealing with thigs that were really like my to do list but never actually got chance.

Thos things really broke me that some people have every thing on their spoon but i always have to leeked from knife.

I decided to go to big hospital. I gave interviews in lot of hospitals but they always said "you are too young, you don't have experienced,  go study first". I really hated if those people can do all things then I shouldn't I?

Finally i went to one hospital and luckily there was female doctor. I was so hopeless i said " I'd work for free cause I want to learn I don't need money".

What a joke 'don't need money '.
I desperately needed money I was feeling ashamed to ask my mother for money. She never said no but i knew im asking for money that means she have to bend infront of my father. Even though she made  all  thay money through catering business still all money was with my father and hated that. Still i said i don't need money.

Finally i started going to that hospital. Everything went well. Ofcourse people didn't miss chance to look down on me for my weight, skin color, that I don't have any medical background.  I still get through it for 3 weeks.

Then one day one man came. He just completed his final year exams, and now it's Holliday. He was tall average looks and he was nephew of hospitals director.

He never gave me alein treetment. Always well mannered. He taught me lots of things. I thought I made really good friend. But always felt like he wanted to go beyond friends. I didn't get my hopes up cause i know people conect to me cause I listen and understand them really well sometimes help them beyond my limits. In short i am a people pleaser and people loved that. I loved that people are happy because of me.

In that two months of span he shared lots of things about him. He lost his father at early age, his mother was teacher in primary school and faced lots of problems while growing up. I felt genuine connection.

One day at afternoon i got call from him he ask me for money it wasn't big amount and felt good that he thought of me to ask for help I must be really important in his life that he became vulnerable. For me asking for help is really big deal i never ask for one unless im really comfortable with someone.

I helped him I didn't about details next day he opened up that he wants to become successful and doesn't want use his uncle's connection I felt respect towards him. He opened about lots of things he frequently ask for money and i gave him my savings I did through my last job. 

I was happy i made genuine connection. First time in life i was ready to go beyond talking stage.

But god wanted to gave me another lesson.

One day I saw him with one of doctor and they were out on road trip. That seemed like date.  And i shattered. I never get jealous I just get into abyss of self-doubt. I don't know its good or bad but i never felt jealous only thing I feel when someone else get what i want I became insecure i degrade myself like thousand feet under the ground.

I distance myself from him cause it was all in my head he never said he liked me. It was me all the time. I wad ashamed how can i think that someone might like me.

But he didn't change. I didn't like that. If he have girlfriend then why he is here. I hate being third person. I refuse to help him. I avoided he started ranting about his life. he have person to do this things go away from me.

The fear of being 'that' women in someone else's relationship had engulfed me. I felt guilty whenever I talked to that doctor. She had big dreams about marring him. How come i thought to be with him. I was deep in that mud.

I leave that hospital. I leave the only place where I can get what I needed.

He called me frequently but i ignored him. When he ask for money i said give me my money back. During all this time she was posting about their relationship still he was massaged me.

I got tire I blocked him. Stop seeing her post. I focused on my life. I started working out, again started reading , studies and my college.  I was on the go all the time.

Then just one call brock me. Just one. I still remember i didn't leave home for sixty-two days. Stop exercising Stop meeting any one, no calls , no massage , just watched and read things which has nothing to do with me and cried.

It wasn't for him. That call wasn't from him. It was from his girlfriend or ex girlfriend. She warned me. Not out of jealousy but out of care. That i was his next target he used all his ex and when he find another easy target he'll get that.

I was a target. Something that can be used. No one ever loved me. I knew that still i hoped. I thought someone can get attracted towards me. Someone can care. I was just target. To get his way through something.

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I heard gun shooting. Men with full black clothing came in with gun. They shoot terrorist one by one. May be rescue came. God actually cares for me. Every thing will be better. I'll get my freedom in true sense.

It was too loud. There was blood everywhere. I don't know when stood up. One of the man was pointing gun at me. I'm not one of them criminals.

Suddenly i was dragged to emergency exit. Suddenly I'm in air someone's arms on my west. I jumped. How and why ? I should be in plane on my way to Paris!! 

I was again expecting too much!
I was in love with idea of my journey to Paris. I was in love with the unknown.