A/N: This oneshot is so precious to me because when I was writing this, it feels like I am telling one of my most important stories in life. This is somehow an insight to what happened to me just months ago. I interpreted this song from Taylor Swift's new album in a way that I can relate my life to it.

Also, this will be very long but I hope that you take the time to read this. This will be worth reading because I deeply connected to this oneshot. Your support would really mean the world to me. Hope you'll like this. ;)

Jade's POV

"I have time today. Can you meet me behind the mall?", she told me over the phone just a little time after I woke up and knowing myself, I could never resist her. I would always say yes to her requests. But unfortunately, no matter how much I want to give in to her, I need to prepare for an important event in my College tomorrow and I don't have much time left.

"Jade? Are you alright babe?", she pulled me out of my worries with her soft voice.

"I want to but I have something very important to do so...", I confessed to her.

"Something more important than me?", she challenged me but there's a hint in her voice that I know would want to make me guilty and bail on my supposed plans today just to be with her.

"Don't be like that.", I stopped her assumptions. I already have today ironed out and now she comes out of nowhere after a long time of no contact to ask me to go somewhere like that.

"Like what? Like I haven't missed my best friend slash sister and want to spend time with her while she wants to be busy with said more important things? Or what?", she dodged back. This woman.

You read it right. She is in fact my best friend but most of the times, her roles in my life change every time. She can also be my teacher, sister, confidant, human diary and my lover.

You read that right again. I don't know what's going on between Perrie and I but I know that I love her more than what she thinks. I've grown attached to her and there were a lot of times that I thought that my feelings for her can be reciprocated – that she likes me back – but I was always mistaken by that.

There were times that we would go on with our lives without talking to each other for months then she would reach out to me when she needs me, she would made me feel her support, her love and she would act as if we were together and then when she's finally okay, she would go back to her habits and leave me in a misery, wondering if what we had was ever real. She would give me mixed signals and I remember thinking I had her. It feels like I am in nirvana for a short while then I would be pulled out of it and be taken back to hell without her presence again.

It hurts so much on my side knowing that I can only ever be her past time but I couldn't bring myself to pull out of this unhealthy habit of adoring her. Some people might say that I should conquer these consequences if I really wanna be with her. I should endure all of it even though I know that she can never give me an assurance that she will stay in my life. After all, she is not mine.

"Jade? Are you still there?", she stopped the flow of my thoughts once more with her voice that I love hearing. It's like I'm living for every part of her, craving for her mere presence in my life, even just a glimpse of her would make me fall to my knees. She got me wrapped around her finger and I don't know why I let her. I have no idea how to fight back my longing for her.

"Yeah, I'm still here.", I responded shortly.

"I really miss you, you know.", she spoke again, using that sweet voice of her that she knows she can use for me and I would not have any more reasons to say no to her.

I sighed. Here we go again.

"Fine. I'll meet you there.", I gave in to her offer of meeting her.

"What about your important thing?", she asked concernedly, not as if she was the reason why I'll have to excuse myself in the meeting that I need to attend to for my College internship and even though I know that this might greatly affect my College record, I am still willing to give it up for her. That is what I hate about myself – I hate how much I love her and how I'm willing to turn my back at anything or anyone just to be with her.

Perrie doesn't know about my internship yet because as I said, she wasn't very present in my life in the past months. She is already working and is living a good life while I still have to strive a little harder to become successful. Is she really worth trading my internship for? Are my feelings for her bigger than my dreams for myself?

"I'll figure it out.", I said, not even knowing how I would figure it out but I guess, that's my problem, not hers.

"Baby, are you upset with me? If you don't want to, we can hang out another time." Here we are again wth her sweet words. She revoked her offer but I said yes already and my mind has already settled into another plan with her so I couldn't turn back now.

"And when will that time come again? When you need me again? When you feel like playing me again?", I stung out, only realizing the weight of my words after I said it. I shouldn't have let my frustration over her take over like that. I should've controlled it. Loving someone shouldn't be this hard.

"I completely understand where you're coming from and I know that I have a lot of shortcomings to you but can we please forget about it in a little while, enjoy and talk about it later when we're together? You know I love you as my sister...", she mustered, wanting me to get to listen and accept her side.

"Okay. I'll just meet you there after lunch.", I surrendered to her wishes. I was about to hung up in our phone call when I heard her speak again.

"You really mean a lot to me, Jadey. I don't wanna lose you... I miss and love you so much.", she retaliated and for a moment, I let myself drown into the thought of loving her and being loved back by her but for a million reasons, I told myself not to get lost in that ocean of daydreams again.

But somehow, I can't convince myself that what we have is a hopeless romance and until now, I am still living for the hope of it all. For me, this is enough.

"You mean so much to me too... I'll see you later, Perrie?", I suggested, wanting this call to end so I can build up myself to see her again. I shouldn't let myself falter, I should be happy that she'll be with me again in a few hours. For now, I have her and I know that after this, she can never be mine again.

"I'll see you, baba.", she said to me before ending the call and after that, I took my time to prepare to meet her. I'll enjoy this time that I have with her and after that, we'll talk about it. I don't want to put myself between her, her career, her priorities and her relationship anymore. I don't want to be her plan B when everything goes wrong. I love her but I couldn't settle for this anymore. I couldn't settle knowing that anytime I could lose her. I don't want to hurt myself because of this anymore.

I just want her to get things straight and settle her mind. I don't want her to play with me anymore and to take me for granted because of my undying love for her.

With these thoughts in my mind, I get myself up and ready to see her again.

After 5 hours...

I am now on Perrie and I's usual spot behind the mall. This is a bench under the tree in the park near the mall. Not a lot of people are in here right now considering how hot the weather is and I let myself be occupied by the sight of the nature and some people passing by near me. Perrie messaged me that she'll be running late today because there has been an errand that she have to deal with.

"Hey, you.", I heard her voice from behind me. I was too focused with my surroundings and I didn't realize that she is here already.

I get up to properly greet her when she immediately attacked me with a clinging tight embrace. My head is buried in her chest, both her arms engulfed me into feeling this warmth of being with her and seconds before she pulled away from our hug, I felt her lips linger in my head.

"Sorry, I just talked to someone before going here but I'm with you now. Shall we go on with our day and start shopping?", she suggested and I smiled & nodded eagerly at her idea.

No matter how much I deny it, I know within me that I missed her. I missed this. I missed us.

We went on with our day and we had so much fun shopping and visiting the arcades & playing all the games that we used to play back then when were still together all the time. She insisted that today will be her treat since she's making it up for all the lost time. This day brought back so much memories and I hoped for once that this could be how our normal would look like but what I've been taught a million of times in this friendship or relationship story of ours is not to hold on too much to these expectations because I would only end up disappointed in the end.

I am not her August, I am merely a day that passes by in her eternity.

After dinner, we drove up to a restaurant which is connected to the pier and we climbed up to the fully-decorated light house like we used to a long time ago. I almost forgot the feeling of being here. I noticed that the light house has fairy lights and lanterns all over the place which made this place even more special to me.

As we were feeling the breeze of the salt air and enjoying the solitude of being here, I decided that now is the time to talk about it.

"Perrie. Why did you really call me?", I queried what I have been thinking about the whole day.

"Baba... Isn't it enough that I told you that I missed you?", she ignored my question.

"Those are just words, Perrie. It doesn't always show what they really meant but actions do.", I answered back to her.

I heard her sigh and looked directly at the ship sailing in the middle of the sea with its lights illuminating straightly at us.

"Work has been very stressful to me and Alex and I aren't just in the best conditions as of the moment so I thought of... you." she confessed her real reasons.

"We can't go on like this anymore. One day or another, one of us will end up hurt and we all know that wouldn't be you.", I voiced out to her.

"Jade, you're like a sister to me-"

"And I will only ever be that to you, am I right?", I cut her off.

"From the start of this, I told you not to expect anything from me. I cannot promise you anything. I can't promise you that I'd stay. I can't promise you that I'll choose you over anything. I can't promise you the world but I know that you've played a big role in my life and you're very important to me.", she elucidated to me.

Back then, her words are enough to calm me but I realized that as we go longer into this and as my feelings grow deeper, I wouldn't help myself to ask for something more than just words from her and I know full well that she couldn't give me that that's why we both have to relinquish from this because as the two of us grow stronger and draw strength from each other, someday, somehow, one of us will end up cascading and suffering.

The one who loves more always ends up losing.

"But you can't just tell me not to expect when all you do is give me mixed signals and motives! It feels like you're giving me everything one day then you'll take twice as much from me the next day.", I raged out to her.

"You know that I love you more than a sister or a friend and even though you've told me a lot of times that you can never reciprocate what I was feeling, you still keep on acting as if you could somehow love me every time that you call me up when you need me. I can't settle for that anymore, Perrie. This is killing me slowly...", I continued ranting out my long overdue emotions to her.

"I know I changed when I knew what you were feeling for me and I know how much I've hurt you but I can't commit to what you want, Jade. It just can't be like that. I'm with Alex and I have my whole future in front of me, I just can't give all that up for you...", she replied to what she interpreted in my rant but she can never understand how I was feeling or what my thoughts are.

"I'm not asking you to give up everything for me! I just want you to get things straight! I want you to make a choice on whether to still have me in your life or not... You can't just be gone for so long then come back like that knowing that I'll accept you no matter what. You've taken me for granted all this time and after tonight, our 6 years together can end up faltering down or growing longer and it's all up to you.", I appealed to her and I don't know how I managed to put into words what I felt all this time but I'm glad that I finally have the courage to do this. I just hope that whatever the outcome of this will be, I'll also have the courage to endure the pain that it will come with. It's like wanting something to end but also longing for the feeling of it.

I expected her to shot back at me but her loss for words stunned me the most. I don't know what she was thinking and I can't see through her emotions. I can't say that I'm bothered or that I don't care because I know in myself that she will always matter to me even if we end up things just like this.

Minutes passed and not a single word spoken between us. I am on the verge of breaking down but I held myself together for as long as this night goes and I will let myself crumble when I'm all alone.

I was about to walk away from her when I felt her embrace me once more but this time, I know this will have to be the last. I can somehow foresee what her decision is.

"Jade... You'll always mean so much to me and I pray that you achieve what your other dreams are... And if you don't get what you want right now, know that there are better things meant for you and sometimes, the things that we long for aren't just the best for us as we think they are but we have to keep on living for the hope of tomorrow. So don't dwell too much on things and on people... You define your happiness... Your happiness is within you only and I know that you'll find that someday.", she enunciated to me and I can feel her arms wrap even stronger in my body frame. I couldn't find the strength to answer her so I just allowed myself to live in the moment of having her for the last time.

When we pulled back, I guess both of us knew that the night is over for us so we made our way down the lighthouse and drove back to the mall where my car is still waiting for us in the parking lot. Not a single word exchanged between us.

When I finally reached my car again, I knew that she is still looking over for me just behind my back. I turned my face once more towards her and stared at her from a distance. My tears are blurring my vision but I know that the sight of her will always be tattooed on my mind. I went inside and cried the tears that have been waiting to be let out. This is goodbye for us.

After 7 months...

After that day, I haven't heard anything from Perrie. I've cried so many tears these past few months, wasted away so many nights drinking and emotionally breaking down over and over again for what seems like forever.

I still went on with my life just like how she did with hers but I know that I'll forever be scarred because of what happened between us...

It's just different now. I think I've grown better in living my life without her. I can finally hear her name without dreading those same words. I can finally read all the books and journals that she gave me without wanting to rip up all the pages because it immensely reminds me of her. I can finally let my heart beat without having her as the reason behind it.

After 7 long months without a glimpse of her, I heard from some news that she is finally in the peak of her career and she has been promoted into a higher position that she has been long working for.

No matter how terrible things have ended up between us, seeing her succeed and fulfill the dreams that we both made together a long time ago is more than enough for me. I am still and will always & forever be proud of her. I never needed anything more as long as I know that she's happy.

As long as my days last, I'll keep on striving to achieve my dreams for myself just like how she did. I still have a long way to go and more people to meet. But I know that I'll never forget her. I was once lost in her memory but now she turned into just a moment in my time.

She was once my everyday but now she's just the August that slipped away. Because she was never mine to lose.

I know that I'm still healing and it'll take me a lot of time before I'm brought back to life again from this catastrophe but I'll continue living for the hope of it all and I wish that when I'm over this, life will mean something to me again.

"We have to keep on living for the hope of tomorrow."

A/N: Feel free to comment your thoughts on this one & I just want to let my readers know that you can message me anytime if you want someone to talk to. :) You can also find me on social media 
@/httplittlemixx and talk to me there if you want to.

This is very personal to me and this is my way of letting go to that someone... I'd just like to address this to the person that I dedicated this one for who knows exactly who they are:

If ever you read this, I hope you know how proud of you I am. You'll always be a part of me and I am rooting for your success all the time. I know that you're happy and I pray that you get all the things that you hope for. I will forever be grateful for your existence in my life. If it's meant to happen, I hope that our stars will align again and our story will be rewritten but for now, knowing that you're happy is enough. That is all that I'll ever want for you. ;)