40

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ISABELLA

Studying for finals is like ripping your hairs out, one by one.

After Lucas' party, it was busy time. That was the last hoorah before everyone buried themselves in their dorms, apartments, or the cafe with their nose wedged in a textbook.

I've spent countless nights at the library rereading, rewriting, and reciting my lecture notes, trying to brand the material into my brain. And now, I'm in desperate need of a break. I dress in something cute to boost my self-esteem, grab my purse, and head to the farmers' market in the city.

The weather is beautiful, and you can feel summer creeping into Philadelphia. The sun beats down on my skin, causing tiny beads of sweat to trickle down my forehead, but I don't mind. It feels refreshing.

I walk down the sidewalk, stopping at different huts to look at the fresh produce available. I purchase some peaches and cucumbers and eat the sweet fruit while I look at other tents.

My eyes drift up, taking in the skyscrapers surrounding me. Of course, right there in the center is Cunningham Tech. The gigantic building where Miles spends most of his days. Part of me wonders if he's up there now and does not know I'm down here.

I've been doing okay. I've refrained from reaching out to him because the last time we talked, I put the fate of our relationship on his shoulders. But the silence these past couple of weeks tells me he's decided. It hurts, I still cry in the shower, but I have to keep pushing forward.

Like metal to a magnet, I walk toward the hut overflowing with freshly picked flowers. They have copious options: roses, sunflowers, tulips, baby's breath, the list goes on. I fight the urge to buy one of every and settle for a bouquet of white roses, sunflowers, and baby's breath. This will look beautiful in our apartment.

"Thank you." I hand the woman cash and then take my purchases to the cafe down the street. I'm in dire need of iced coffee.

The AC from the building instantly soothes my hot skin. After ordering my drink, I retire to the couches by the front windows and pull out my phone.

My pleasant mood instantly turns sour, and my heart pounds in my chest like a hammer on cloth when I see I have a missed call and text message from Miles.

"Hey, I know this is random, but I was wondering if you wanted to talk. Call me if you can - Miles"

I set my phone down.

Well, I must've spoken too soon. I'm not sure why he suddenly reached out, just as I'm getting better. I know I should ignore it and not reopen old wounds, but I'm too nosey to decline his offer. So, I pick up my phone and click call.

He answers on the second ring. "Hey."

My stomach bottoms out at the sound of his voice.

"Hey," I say.

"Are you at your apartment?"

I grip the arm of the chair for support. "No, I'm not. I'm in Philly."

"Oh." It goes silent between us. "Well, I know this is long overdue, but I have some explaining to do, and I was wondering if you wanted to get together to talk."

My heart flutters, and I silently curse at it, telling it to stop. I don't want to get my hopes up. I tell myself this is just a conversation for closure.

"Yeah, we can," I say, calm and emotionless.

"Do you want me to meet you at your apartment?"

I say no and tell him to meet me at the cafe I'm currently in. Before we hang up, he tells me he'll be there soon. I stare out the window, watching people I don't know walk past, unable to control my feelings.

I'm about to get answers, and I'm terrified.

About ten minutes pass before I hear the bell above the café door jingle. I gaze up, and my eyes connect with Miles. He pauses before slowly walking toward me.

I straighten my back.

"Hey," he says, his voice warmer in person. He sits across from me and leans back in his chair.

"Hi," I reply. He looks much healthier than he did weeks ago. It almost looks like nothing has happened, and I pretend in this moment, everything is okay between us. We're a happy couple, out on a date in the city. Miles bought me the flowers lying on the coffee table, and we share a pastry from the cafe.

But none of that is real.

His knee bounces and I watch him try to stop it with his hand. His nerves make me even more nervous about this conversation.

"How has school been?" he asks, trying to make small talk. I want to get straight to the point, but I don't want to be rude, so I answer his question.

"It's been good, I took a break studying for finals and came to the farmers' market." I motion to the flowers and fresh produce sitting on the table and he nods. "What about you?"

"I've been okay," he says, but it doesn't sound convincing, and he doesn't explain any further.

Silence consumes us once more, and I fidget with the hem of my sundress.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" I break the silence, getting straight to the point.

He takes a deep breath. "I wanted to apologize for not reaching out sooner," he says. "After losing my mom and Millie, I lost myself, and I lost you in the process. I haven't been a good person lately. I should've communicated with you, and I'm sorry I didn't."

His apology brings light back into my life I forgot existed, but I pretend not to be phased by his words. "I appreciate your apology," I say.

"I would've come to you sooner, but it took me a really long time to build up the courage to talk with you."

I stay silent as he releases a shaky breath.

"I want to be with you, and I loved every moment we spent together. But I'm just not ready, and I'm not sure when I will be."

There it is.

The catch.

The words I didn't want to hear but deep down expected.

Out of habit, I bite the inside of my cheek, attempting to suppress the tears that pooled in my eyes. I told myself not to get my hopes up but preparing myself for something versus actually experiencing it is entirely different.

I thought I was strong, but my strength just shattered like fractured glass.

"Oh," is all I say.

"I don't think I can be the boyfriend you want me to be, and I felt it was only right to let you know so you can move on without waiting for me."

I nod.

And with that said, he stands, having nothing more to say. He knows I'm not going to speak from my clear silence. He tells me goodbye, and that he's always there for me if I need him, and then leaves the cafe.

Silent, hot tears stream down my rosy cheeks. I hastily wipe them away, staring down at the bouquet I bought myself. Feeling empty, I pick them up and walk over to an elderly woman sitting by herself on the opposite side of the building.

"I know this is random, but would you like this bouquet?" I ask, tearing her gaze from her novel. She looks at the bouquet, then back at me. Her mouth falls slightly ajar.

"What is this? Do you not want them?"

"It looks like someone left them in the spot I was sitting in, I'll end up killing them." I chuckle. "I figured you'd take better care."

Her face illuminates with the grandest smile, and she takes them out of my grasp. She thanks me continuously, and then I leave the café.

That last day we talked in Miles' apartment, I told him to come and find me when he was ready. When I said that, I meant ready to get back together with me, not say goodbye for good. But that's the beauty of love. I told myself if he ended up walking out on me one day, which I prayed would never happen, those doors will still stay open.

I'll keep my word. I'm going to make sure those doors stay wide open.

I force a smile onto my face and push my way back out into the world, alone.

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QOTD: What do you study in school?

I'm in nursing school!

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