36

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ISABELLA

It's been three days since Miles and I have spoken.

Although I'm miserable over everything that has transpired, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm glad I said everything I wanted to say yesterday, but the anxious part of me wonders if Miles is going to walk away for good.

I should have known our relationship would come to this. It happened once over a mere inconvenience with Noel. It was inevitable that something like death would tear us apart.

I would've liked to believe that I was his safe space. The person he could come to when he needed a shoulder to cry on. The person who he could stay with during a time of need.

Everyone grieves differently, and I was collateral damage.

"Let's go out for sushi," Addy says, and I close my book.

"Can we order in?" I ask, and she smiles, disappearing from the living room and returning with her phone and scrapbook.

She's been such an amazing friend. She puts up with my random breakdowns, lets me vent, and orders me food. I'm trying my best not to dwell over things or show how upset I am because being around people who are sad all the time brings you down. And I don't want to bring Addy down.

"What are you doing with the scrapbook?" I ask.

She doesn't reply. She continues flipping through the book. A smirk spreads across her face when she finds what she's looking for. She turns it around, revealing the page with the condom wrapper.

I narrow my eyes.

"I know you haven't been speaking much about what happened, but if I were you, I would need to let anger out." She tears the page out of the scrapbook and hands it to me. "Do whatever you'd like with it."

"Addy—"

"No if, and, or buts. Go do something with it! Burn it, throw it away, stomp on it...whatever your heart desires," she says, folding her arms.

"We haven't broken up yet."

"I know," she says. "But it might make you feel better."

Trying not to smile, I stand and set my book on the coffee table. What can I do with this? What would be the most satisfying? See, if I throw it away then I'll have to see it in the garbage can. Same with stomping on it.

I look up at Addy. "I'll burn it."

A mischievous smirk fills her face. "That's the spirit!" she shouts, running into the kitchen to grab what I assume is a lighter.

While she's getting the proper items to dispose of this, I stand there staring at the paper, questioning all the things I could've done differently.

I think about that night on the rooftop. How he took his time decorating, his gentle touches, kissing. Him constantly reassuring me everything was under my control. It makes me smile and breaks my heart at the same time.

"Here!" She returns with a small metal waste can, a lighter, and a water bottle. This is probably not a good idea.

This doesn't seem like a smart idea, but I hold my hand out anyway as if we were in surgery and she was my surgical tech. "Lighter." She places it in my palm. Seconds later, I put the fire to the corner of the paper.

Once it's burning, I toss it into the metal container. Addy and I stand there in comfortable silence, watching the flames grow. When it's unrecognizable, I pour water on the hot embers. All that's left at the bottom of the can is black dust.

"Done," I utter, staring at the residue.

"It smells like ass in here," she says, waving her hand over her nose.

I burst out laughing at her comment. "I wonder if that was okay to burn."

She shrugs her shoulders and grabs an air freshener can off the counter. "Too late now!" She twirls while holding the spray button in, letting the scented air disperse before anyone smells.

During clinical the next day, Lucilla, our instructor, questions the group of students. "When examining the patients in a horizontal position, which reveals the distended jugular veins from the base of the neck to the angle of the jaw, what does this finding show?"

I raise my hand.

"Ms. Gallagher?" She looks past everyone towards me, and so do the rest of the students.

"It shows the increased central venous pressure," I answer, which makes her smile.

"Very good, Ms. Gallagher." She turns back towards the crowd of people. "Now when this occurs," she continues to speak, but I tune her out when someone comes up beside me that wasn't there before.

"Yes, very good Ms. Gallagher," the person beside me says. I turn my head to see who it is. To no surprise, the black-haired nurse Max is standing next to me with a grin on his face.

"Long time no see." I chuckle, trying to revert my attention to Lucilla. He smiles, revealing his dimples. I feel a pang in my chest when I see them because it reminds me of Miles.

"It's good to see you back here, doing exceptionally well," he whispers again.

"Thanks." I smile quickly because if I look at him any longer, I may have a mental breakdown.

Screw hormones and fights.

MILES

"Mr. Cunningham," Marian comes over the intercom in my room. "Jasper Mullens is here to see you."

I jump off of my childhood bed and push the button on the machine. "You can let him in, I'll be down," I say, sauntering out of my room. I haven't seen him since the funeral. I'm sure he has a lot of questions. Especially since he's most likely hearing all his information from Addy.

When I reach the bottom of the stairs, I see him standing there with a backpack on. I raise my eyebrows in confusion at him before saying hi.

"Hey, man."

"You can come up," I say, nodding my head toward my room. He obliges, following me up. When we reach my room, I shut the door, and he carefully sets the backpack on the ground. I hear a clink when it hits the floor.

"I know how your dad is about drinking so, I hid them." He chuckles, pulling out two bottles of beer.

"Dude, we're twenty-one." I laugh. "We're allowed to legally drink."

Jasper and I walk over to my deck doors in sync as we open the beers. "I know, but your dad has always been weird with alcohol and I didn't want to piss him off."

"Good point," I say, as we relax on the balcony chairs. We open a beer and watch the sun go down.

"How have you been?" he finally asks the question of the year.

I shrug my shoulders, bringing the bottle to my lips. "I've been better."

"What the hell happened, man? You know you can talk to me, right?" he says, facing me.

"What do you want to know? How both of my moms died? How I dropped out of college and work for my father now? Or everything that happened with Bell?" I say and take a deep breath. I fist my hand through my hair in frustration.

I haven't talked about anything to anyone because I don't know what to say.

I've learned about stages of grief in my nursing courses, but to be honest, I'm not sure what fucking stage I'm in. I always thought I was somewhat prepared for my mother's passing. Alzheimer's is a nasty disease. It takes your loved ones from you while they're still alive. However, having my mother and Millie stolen from me without a warning feels even worse.

On top of everything, sleep hasn't been an option, and all I want to do is be alone. I don't want Bell to see me like this. 

He leans back in his chair. "You're really dropping out? What about all the hard work and money you put into it?" he asks, avoiding my mom and Millie.

"Screw the money. And what's the point of saving people if they're all going to die, anyway?"

He sighs. "Miles."
I take a moment to collect myself.

"So now you're working for your dad?"

I stare at my mom's garden, tapping the glass bottle to fill the silence. "He's been wanting to retire for a while. And when I dropped out of school, he asked if I wanted to take over the business. I have nothing better to do."

Jasper chuckles, tipping the bottle into his mouth. "The youngest CEO."

"The youngest CEO," I repeat, finishing my beer. I despised the idea before, but I don't think I have the willpower to work with sick people. Since my dad and I are getting along, working for him won't be too awful. I'll be living a comfortable life.

"What does Bell think?"

I smile at the thought of her, then my smile turns stoic. I picture her face, her trying to hold back tears in my apartment. I've been awful. I've become all the things I said I'd never be and do all the things I said I'd never do, like break her heart.

But I don't feel like myself.

"She told me I'm being childish, that she's upset I didn't tell her anything."

I look toward Jasper, who shrugs as if he agrees with Bell.

Sighing, I say, "I kept it from her because I was fearful of her disapproval. I'd already decided about dropping out, and I didn't want to hear what she had to say."

"Miles, do you really think she would've judged if you told her this was the best decision for you?"
Shrugging, I say, "I don't know." Even though I know she wouldn't judge.

"She loves you, and even if you don't plan on staying with her, she deserves to know. Call her and talk to her."

Jasper and I change the subject, but the thought of speaking with Bell lingers over my head like storm clouds. My fingers itch to reach for my phone and call her, but I also want to run away from the situation.

I want to be with Bell, but I don't think I'm ready to go back to normal.

After two more beers and a couple of rounds of video games, Jasper leaves to hang out with Addy. I'm grateful he came to hang out. It was nice spending time together. We haven't had a guy's night in a while. It felt good.

But now I'm all alone, staring at my phone, contemplating what to do. I'm not sure what I'd say if I called Isabella, because I don't want this to be the end of us. But I'm not ready to be in a relationship again, especially knowing I won't be able to devote my full time and feelings to her.

I decide against calling her tonight, agreeing with myself that I will soon.

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QOTD: What languages do you speak?

I speak English of course und ich spreche Deutsch!

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