Harmony

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Harmony.s still very much here 👯‍♀️ @Aaliyahfields

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username Aaliyah's birthday looked SO fun

username favourite besties

username you two look SO good 😍

username harms you're gorgeous

username Aaliyah's 23 now!!!

username never seen prettier people in my LIFE

username ok but I need to know if Jude was there
↳username Toby was so I assume he was too
↳username he was
↳username ugh miss the trio need a pic of the 3 of them

Aaliyahfields you look tew good carrying my cake 😮‍💨
↳Harmony.s thanks bae 😝
↳username no truer words have ever been spoken
↳username like PURRR
↳username SO TRUE

username need Jude to comment immediately

username JUDE BABE GET YOUR GIRL BACK

username 😍😍😍😍

I've always felt like I wasn't good enough.

My asshole of a dad managed to completely warp my own sense of self. His words and his actions affecting me so much that now I believe good things just aren't meant to come my way.

I'm overly self critical, I overthink. I question when people are nice. Believing they don't mean it. And most importantly, relationships are difficult for me.

When I first realised I fell in love with Jude I was terrified. I didn't want to get hurt. I didn't want to put all of my trust and love into someone for them to take off with it and leave. The abandonment issues made themselves very apparent.

So I loved him in silence. Didn't tell him because I was scared. I thought, if my own dad didn't love me. Or even like me. Why would any other man? Why would Jude?

I was kind of fine living with the secret that I was hopelessly in love with him. Very emotional masochist of me.

Then he told me he loved me.

And although that was what I wanted to badly. What I had dreamed for and cried about for nights. I was immediately frightened.

It was like this big dark grey cloud that had loomed over me my entire life, that contained every traumatic thing, every bad word and every sad time I ever experienced with my dad, had nested on top of my head. Ready to hang over me.

It was all too....real. And it scared me because I hadn't felt like this before with anyone. I kind of avoided love because I knew my dad issues would ruin it. I'd self sabotage and it would all fall to pieces.

But here Jude was. Confessing his love for me in a hotel room, in Germany. A place he had managed to trick me to come to just because he loved me and wanted a chance to tell me that.

And I remember thinking in that moment. After he had kissed me and told me so passionately how much he loved me. How he fell in love and how he wants no one else but me, that this was going to fucking hurt.

That we'd get together. And as usual I'd be the mess that I am and ruin things by self sabotaging because I don't believe good things will happen to me. And he'd hate me and we'd never speak to each other again and I'd lose the person that would burn down the world for me.

And then the attachment issues reared its ugly head in that moment too. And I thought of the other side of things. The other side of dad issues. The side where you get attached quickly to people because you're chasing the love of a father in a partner. And when they leave you die a bit inside. And then look for the next person that can give you that euphoric feeling you think is love but really isn't.

I thought about how crushed I'd be if the other scenario happened. If I actually didn't self sabotage. If I let myself love Jude fully and whole heartedly. If I got attached. And then he just decided one day he was done. That I was either too much to deal with because of my issues. Or that he just didn't like me anymore.

And then I'd be tossed to the side just how my dad tossed me to the side the minute I grew up and got older. And then his words would come back. That I'm not good enough. And his lack of emotion towards me and his never ending disappointment he had in me. And I'd just die really. I'd be a mess.

So I ran away. Left him there in the hotel room with my heart still in his hands because by then he was the keeper of it.

And I felt like shit seeing his face fall and hearing him call out my name until his voice cracked and the desperation in his voice kicked in. But I had to leave because I had so much noise in my head and I was back to being eleven when my dad dumped all of my clothes I had at his house in my hands, still on the hangers. Me standing there watching as he drove off and then completely crumbling in my mums arms.

But in this instance Jude was me. He was holding the clothes watching as I drove away. And that just made me feel sick to my stomach. Treating him how my dad treated me.

I was so angry at myself as I left. Again I had self sabotaged. Again I had to ruin a good thing.

I sent Jude the text and then I sat on the plane, my head on Aaliyah's shoulder and thought about how my dad was right about everything.

Didn't sleep for weeks after we got back home. I wanted to get on another plane and go back to Germany and go and tell Jude I was stupid. But I knew I needed to fix what was hurt inside me. I needed to focus on myself because I was now hurting other people.

I did my course abroad. Was healing. Missed Jude every single day. But I worked on myself. Therapy was good. Made me see that I wasn't the monster I thought I was.

And then god brought us together again. And I didn't waste another opportunity. Never would.

I only started thinking the way I use to think when Jude and I broke up. All of those feelings resurfaced. And I was angry because I worked so hard to be better and not think that way. But I felt disappointed. And when I feel disappointed I think of my dad.

Jude telling me what had happened. Why we ended. Why things were rocky. It made me feel peace. Put the thoughts of my dad to rest. I think he reassured me because he knew what I was thinking. He knew where my mind was going.

We'd talked about it. Before we were together, but in more detail when we actually got together. I told him everything. All of the bad and the ugly. And he held me while I cried and told me he loved me and reassured me that he'd never hurt me.

In a way, even though we ended how we did. He kept that promise. Now I know he did love me. Loved me so much that he withheld how he felt for my sake. If that's not real genuine love I don't know what is.

I get out of my car at the restaurant Rome told me to meet him at. He wanted to take me for dinner so I agreed. Not really feeling it to be honest. Been in my head all day. But I feel bad cancelling when he seems so excited so I decided to just suck it up and go.

When I get into the restaurant the host smiles at me sweetly, I don't even have to ask she directs me to the table.

We walk through the restaurant, all the way towards the back. Turn a corner and get to this private space. Circle table in the middle, balloons everywhere. Flowers all over the table. Long candles and all.

Romes stood there with a big grin. Bouquet of flowers in his hands.

"You look gorgeous." He compliments as he plants a kiss on my cheek.

I do my best to keep my smile up. Thank him and tell him that everything looks amazing. Sit down after all of the formalities.

I don't even remember hearing him order wine but nevertheless it comes to the table and he pours me a glass. I reach out and take it from him with trembling hands. I'm really not with it today and he can tell because he frowns as he looks over at me.

"You okay?" Voice filled with concern.

"Yeah fine." I lie. When in reality I'm sat here digging my nails into my palm, trying to focus on what's happening and be in the moment but my mind is elsewhere. My minds thinking about my dad and my entire history with Jude and about how lost I feel right now. And it's all tainting the amazing effort Romes gone through and I feel like shit because of that.

He doesn't buy it. Much like Jude in that way. Knows when I'm not okay.

"What's wrong?" He's gentle as he asks me. Doesn't want to push or pry.

I shake my head quickly. Probably look crazy.

"Really tired. Was up late working on a new project. I'm sorry." Apologise because I'm being shit. As always.

"Don't apologise Harms." He reaches out and touches my hand. I don't deserve him.

Small talk happens and I try my best to put energy into it even though I feel like I'm dying inside. Things just don't feel right at the moment. New Year's Eve, Jude and I. It hit me. Deep.

He wasn't okay.

We both order our food, Rome smiling away at me and me fake smiling because I feel too upset to give a genuine smile. But I'm trying.

I think maybe I should tell him the truth. That things feel off for me right now. That I need time and maybe even space because spending New years with someone other than Jude for the first time has unravelled me a bit. And that I'm also going through all of my dad issues again as if it's the first time. And I just need time to get back to myself because I haven't been myself for a while.

I'm thinking about how to deliver it. All the way up until the food comes. Still debating it as we eat and talk. Finally made up my mind once we finish eating.

But just as I go to speak Rome speaks first. He takes my hand in his and stares into my eyes. And then his eyes shift to the side and I see a waitress walk in with this dessert that's on a black board.

It's placed down in front of me and I see the question "Will you be my girlfriend" written on it.

I want to break down and cry.

It's all so incredibly fucked.

My first feeling isn't joy. I don't feel extremely happy. It's not an automatic yes in my mind. I don't rush to say yes the minute he asks me the question.

When he asks me the question, looking into my eyes with such hope. Such happiness. My eyes kind of widen a bit. And I feel panicked and scared.

And I know it's not the panic I felt when Jude told me he loved me. I'm not scared because I think I'm going to mess things up. Or that Romes going to leave me. He'd never.

I'm scared because....this isn't what I want.

I'm realising that as amazing as Rome is and as lovely as he's treated me, my heart won't ever be open for him to take.

Jude just gets me. He knows me like the back of his hand. He knows every eyebrow raise, every smile, every sigh. He knows what I like to eat what I hate to eat. Why I get moody, why I get happy.

Why I don't see myself as worthy of good things, why my mum and sister and I are so close. Why I put extra effort into my loved ones, why I shut down with people at times. When I'm upset and when I'm excited.

He knows all of the ins and outs.

And I don't think I can bare being with someone else knowing I have a connection with Jude that's stronger than anything.

I love him. I love him so much.

I love his eyes and smile. His laugh. His deep voice and accent. The way his voice goes higher when excited, deeper when he's mad or upset.

I love how grumpy he is over things. Love how he's still a big kid at heart.

I love his passion for football, his love for his family and friends. I love the way he sees the world. And I love that he's trying to be better and show up for himself.

I love when he's outwardly emotional. And when he's outwardly happy.

I love the way he looks at me. The way he pushes my hair back. The way he says my name. The way he'd smile mid kiss. The way his lips feel on mine. How he'd always hold my hand. How we'd fall asleep in each others arms.

How gentle he was with me. Whether it was during sex or just in general. He was always careful. Always loving. As a lot of men aren't.

It may be silly to people. For me to stay in this mourning over him. This deep longing. But I'd rather wait for him. Wait for the time to be right. Then be with someone and have my heart belong to another.

"I'm so sorry." Comes out in a whisper. And I watch Romes face immediately fall. As if he knows what I'm going to say. Almost like he was expecting it.

"I can't say yes." I admit.

He takes a deep sigh. Looks over at the corner and it looks like he's blinking away tears. I'm not sure.

Looks back at me and nods. Sad smile on his lips but a smile nevertheless.

"You still love him. Don't you." And I think that maybe everyone knew. And they were all just waiting for me to know. And I wonder if Jude knows. And telling him I love him is a whole other conversation that I'm not sure should happen yet. Because I don't think us getting together now, just after I've broken up with someone else would be healthy. And I want more than anything for us to be healthy and work.

I look down at our intertwined hands. Nod.

He gives my hand a squeeze which causes me to look up at him again.

"It's okay." His voice is so quiet. I hear it crack a little. His face is a bit stoic, but I can see in his eyes he's upset. And that breaks me.

"It's not though." I whisper. I'm crying now. I can feel my tears spilling.

He stands from the table. Walks over to me. Takes my hand gently and pulls me up.

We're standing there face to face. Both hurting. Both upset. Yet both keeping things calm.

"Jude is your first love."

"You don't get over the first person you properly loved."

"You may move on. Be married and have kids. But you'll always think of them." He tells me.

"My mum had my dad."

"You have Jude." He shrugs.

I sniff, wiping my eyes.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't—I wasn't trying to string you along. I really thought—" I don't even have the words. It all sounds shit really.

"I know Harmony. I know you tried. I know you wasn't stringing me along. You liked me. But, you wasn't ever going to be in the position to someday love me. Not when you have what you do with Jude."

Him being so mature about it is a testament to just how lovely Rome is. And it's sad and painful because he deserves the world. He deserves to build that greenhouse for a girl that loves him as much as he loves her. Unfortunately, it just won't be me.

I pull him into a hug because my words won't express properly just how grateful I am to have met him.

"Thank you for making me happy. You brought my smile back." And it's true because I was miserable on holiday. So much pain and tension. And meeting him really made it all so much better.

"Think I'd do anything for you to be honest." He tells me. Pulls back a little to look at my face.

I give him a wobbly smile because I'm trying to not cry even harder.

"One day, you're going to meet a girl you'll want to build a greenhouse for. She'll love it and you'll love her."

He sniffs a laugh but it's kind of sad.

"Already have." He smiles, gently touching my arm.

"But...I'll meet another girl who I'll want to build a greenhouse for. She might not love flowers as much as you do. But she'll love it all the same." He gives me a reassuring smile.

"She will." I nod. Voice cracking.

"Let me get the check and then we can go." He smiles.

I nod, walking back to my seat to gather my things together.

— This chapter is so personal
to me. It's literally my inner
monologue/ life story. Your
Girls going through it lols.

Anyways. I hope this chapter
gave more understanding and
Context to the chapter when
Jude admits his feelings in the
First book and harmony
Leaves. Trying to develop
the characters even more
in this book so yeah :)

- and you guys can finally be
happy she's not with Rome lol.
Even tho most of you guys wanted
her to get with someone else 😭