Dear diary.
It's monday. It's been 2 weeks since my mom came to New York. I really appreciate her help and everything she's doing for me. Today i reached my 15th week of pregnancy, and my feet are a little bit swollen and i also have back pains. I can't stand the smell of coffee and i obviously gained weight. My belly is bigger.
I do feel a lot better now and i'm actually accepting my pregnancy.
I was afraid that i couldn't do this alone without a guy standing beside me or holding my hand. But i can do it alone, without a guy.... Without Ricky.
I just started taking my vitamines, i am pretty late. I should have taken them like 2 months ago, or something. The doctor got pretty mad at me for not taking my vitamines.
When i was pregnant with John, i didn't really take any vitamines so i don't know why it's such a big deal right now?
My mom is my saviour. She helped me so much, i'm happy that she came here. I don't know what i would do without her.
And i already found a college close to home, in California.
I won't be going to Ricky's college though, because i don't want to see him with Clementine acting like nothing's going on. I honestly feel sorry for her, because she's dating an unfaithful guy. She deserves better. And so do i.
I haven't heard from him in a while.
Nora, and Margaret called me to congratulate me and Margaret told me that everything will be just fine. Nora told me that Ricky needs to grow up. She's right. He does needs to grow up. I appreciate him taking care of John, but on the other hand. He has to. He's his father....
And here i am again, i started writing about my pregnancy and now i'm talking about him again."

Amy put her pen down.
It was 8:05 AM. She had to go to class. No one knew she was pregnant. The only two people in her school that knew were Ben and Mrs. Miller. She didn't wanted to tell people. She was already showing a little bit, so she hid her belly behind oversized sweaters.

"Amy, you'll be late. Should i bring you today?" Anne asked, while she was making breakfast.
"No, mom. I'm fine." Amy said.
Amy walked into the kitchen and made herself lunch, she put the lunch box in her bag and walked in a hurry out of the kitchen.
"Don't forget to take your vitamines!" Anne said.
"I already took them like an hour ago!" Amy shouted from the living room.

Amy walked to the bathroom where she looked at her reflection in the mirror. She was looking down at her stomach to see if she showed. She felt insecure about this and she was afraid if people might figure her pregnancy out.

"Mom!" Amy shouted.
Anne ran worried into the bathroom. She thought something had happened.
"What, are you okay?" She asked.
Amy nodded. "Yes, i just wanted to ask you if i'm showing?"
Anne looked at Amy's stomach.
She shook her head. "You can't tell that your pregnant! But Amy, you don't need to hide your belly!"
Amy looked back at her reflection.
"Yes, i need to hide it. I really don't want to make a scene in school.
"Okay, but you won't be staying there forever, so making a scene or not doesn't really matter." Anne said, uncertain.
Amy nodded. "I know. But i don't want people to know. I don't want them to think i'm some skank or something."
Anne shook her head. "You are not a skank. You are a brave independent young mother. You should be proud at yourself for taking matters into your own hands."
Amy smiled. "Thanks, mom."
Anne turned around, she just wanted to walk out of the bathroom until Amy stopped her.
"Mom. I actually have a question?" She asked.
Anne turned back around and faced her daughter.

"Why do i need to take those vitamines?" Amy asked.
"Well, vitamines are very important while your pregnant!" Anne said.
"Especially in times like this. Since you're under a lot of pressure with everything going on. And you need to stay healthy, and those vitamines help you to remain healthy throughout your pregnancy. And it's also a good thing for the baby. Because if you're healthy, the baby is healthy."

Anne smiled and put her hand on Amy's shoulder.
Amy smiled back, for a moment she forgot her problems.

She looked at her watch. "I'm running late, mom. I really need to get going."

---

Amy arrived at Hudson University. She couldn't believe that her New York dream would be over soon. In two months, to be exact.
Amy was walking to her first class, when she saw Ben watching her. She tried to ignore him and passed him on her way to class. She could feel Ben's eyes following her.
When she got into her classroom she walked to the back of the room and sat down at her desk. Her teacher was teaching the students. But his eyes kept following Amy. He seemed to be angry.

"Where did you come from?"
Mr. Anderson asked, with angrily eyes.
"I... I am late... Because i had something personal going on this morning." Amy said.
Mr. Anderson walked to Amy with his hands in his pockets. "You're late everyday Ms. Juergens. Do you have an explanation for that?" He asked, angrily.
Amy didn't know what to answer. What could she answer? 'I'm late because i'm busy in the morning trying to hide my belly!' Amy looked away.
"Well?" Mr. Anderson asked, frowning. "Explanation?"

In all of a sudden Amy felt her stomach turn around. She felt dizzy and nauseous. She held her hand over her mouth and ran out of the classroom.
She ran into the girls restroom, she tried to breathe, and stay calm. But she had a feeling she had to throw up.
She ran to a toilet and couldn't stop herself but puke in the toilet.
She didn't understand where this was coming from. The sudden urge of throwing up.
She inhaled and exhaled, she closed her eyes for a couple of seconds and stood up. She flushed the toilet and walked into the hallway.
When she wanted to walk back into her classroom, she could see Mrs. Miller from a distance.

Amy walked to Mrs. Miller.
"Amy?" Mrs. Miller asked, wondered.
"Shouldn't you be in class?"
Amy nodded, uncertain. "I should, but i didn't feel so well. I threw up..."
Amy wiped an upcoming tear away.
Mrs. Miller squeezed Amy's shoulder.
"You don't have to cry, Amy."
Amy nodded. "That's the thing. I am always crying, i'm so tired of crying. Sometimes i cry for a reason and other times like now, i cry for no reason at all. And i just started accepting my life how it's supossed to be, but now i feel empty, and i can't take this anymore..."
Mrs. Miller interrupted her.
"Come, let's go to my office. So that we can continue our conversation in there."

Mrs. Miller and Amy walked to the office. Amy sat down on a chair. Mrs. Miller closed the door. She gave Amy a tissue and a glass of water.
"Your going to be alright, Amy." Mrs. Miller said, secure. While she sat down, next to Amy.
Amy shook her head. "How am i going to be alright? I have a three-and-a-half-year old son, i'm 4 months pregnant and my ex, slash, the father of my son and unborn baby refuses to talk to me. I can't take it anymore."
Mrs. Miller looked into Amy's eyes.
"Your going to be alright because i was just like you!" She said.
Amy looked confused. "What do you mean?"
Mrs. Miller looked down and sighed.
"I was also a teen mom, i married the wrong guy, i also had a second child within three years, and i aborted my third pregnancy."

Amy looked shocked and confused. She knew that Mrs. Miller had a daughter but she didn't knew the rest of it.
"What?" Amy asked.

"Look, what i'm about to tell you has to stay between the two of us."

Amy nodded.
Mrs. Miller looked at Amy.

"When i was seventeen years old i met a sweet guy. We started dating quickly, and not even two months later i found out i was having his baby. Months went by and our daughter was born. She was the cutest baby ever. She looked just like me, she had these pretty blue eyes. But after she was born, my fairytale i had in mind changed.
He asked me to marry him so that we could be a real family. I accepted the proposal and i married him a year after our daughter was born. When i graduated high school i wanted to get out of our marriage, because i wanted to go to college. And i tried to get out of my marriage by applying to a college here in New York.
I got in. But i felt sorry for my husband afterwarts, because he was a nice guy. I told him we should try to have a long distance relationship, he agreed to my request. And then i left my daughter and husband, with permission by him.
But the point is that i left them just to go to college. I was one month into college, and i was so happy, it felt like i won the lottery or something.
And then i found out i was pregnant again, by my husband.
So after thinking and trying to figure things out, i decided to keep the baby, and i went back home. Because i had to make a choice. College or my baby. And i chose my baby.
But when i got home i was back to where i was. Married, a mother and pregnant. I didn't want any of that but before i could even think about it, or accept my pregnancy i gave birth and had a son."

She sighed and wiped a tear away.

"Two months after my baby was born i got back into college and finished college. I never saw my children again, i left them for my carreer. For my future. I was selfish."

Mrs. Miller sighed and looked down.

"It was my final year in college and my divorce papers were finally set and signed. So i was finally divorced and out of my marriage like i wanted since i was eightteen. To celebrate my divorce, i went to a party with college friends of mine, i got drunk at that party, probably for the first time. And than i slept with a random guy i met at the party. Soon after that i found out i was pregnant for the third time. Without thinking about my unborn baby, and its life. I was only thinking about my college life, my carreer, and just ... my own life. I went to a clinic and had an abortion."

Mrs. Miller sighed and looked into Amy's eyes. She didn't know if she told Amy too much, but she felt relieved that she finally could say the words out loud.

Amy was speechless.
"And you never saw your kids ever again?" She asked.
Mrs. Miller shook her head. My daughter is eightteen now, and my son is sixteen. Every year on their birthdays, i send them a gift, but they return it to me, unopened. Every year again and again." She sighed.
"I guess, i deserved it after all the things i did!"
Mrs. Miller tried to smile, but she couldn't.
"That's why i don't allow pregnant students in our school. Not because they give this school a bad name. But because i want to give them a chance to be with their kids."
Mrs. Miller wiped a tear away.
"I'm giving you until you're six months pregnant, because i felt compassion for you and your situation. You remind me, of me. And i want you to be there for your kids. I want you to be a mommy. And not just a mother. I want you to have something i never had a chance to embrace. I don't want you to make the same mistakes i did."

Amy nodded, and smiled.

"Look at me now. I have a carreer, i went to college. I had the college life i always wanted... But, there's a big part of me that's missing. Yes, i'm married, but i do feel empty, we don't have any kids together, because he doesn't want children. Being married now makes me realize how many things i lost in my life. I have two kids and they don't speak to me. My ex husband is remarried and happy. And i'm all alone without a real family, just because i wanted to be independent so badly."

Mrs. Miller shook her head.
"Don't make the same mistakes i did, Amy."

Amy wiped a tear away.
"Thank you, Mrs. Miller. Thank you for making me realize everything, and for helping me. And i'm sorry for everything you had to go through."
Mrs. Miller smiled.
"Just promise me that, when you're back home and the baby is born, you will make a beautiful family picture with your son, your newborn baby, and your ex fiancé."

Amy smiled and looked into Mrs. Miller's eyes. 
"I promise." She said, sincere.

~•~

Momma please stop cryin, I can't stand the sound.
Your pain is painful and its tearin' me down.
I hear glasses breakin as I sit up in my bed.
I told dad you didn't mean those nasty things you said.
In our family portrait, we look pretty happy.
Let's play pretend, let's act like it comes naturally.

- Family Portrait by Pink.