"We need to talk." I took a seat on Zayn's bed. The last time I was in his room had to be years ago. But not a lot has changed. The poster filled wall was nothing shy of completely covered. Even his bedsheets were the blackest black, as always.

He covered his face with his hands. His fingers dug into his eye sockets as he rubbed them awake. "I know."

"Like, a long overdue conversation." I nodded.

He cracked a small smile and chuckled softly. "I was expecting you to sit here and tell me this years ago. Like a week after I started uh..." He trailed off, "before we lost contact." He corrected himself.

The truth was that, none of us had ever talked about what happened with Zayn. The relationship we had before was pushed to the side. Whatever feelings there were. The memories we all shared. Everything.

"Where do I start?" He laughed, sounding fearful of where this was headed. "We've been ignoring this for a long time."

I laughed nervously. "Promise nothing's going to happen?"

He stared at me for a long time. He tilted his head and shoved his hands in his pocket. "For the sake of one of my best mates, I think I can move past any urges." He nodded.

I nodded, content with that answer. Zayn was pacing around his room nervously, which was only adding to my anxiety. There was no need for us to feel so tense right now. There were merely a few things we needed to address instead of continuing to live our lives being clueless over how we once got along.

"Louis thinks you're in love with me." I blurted out.

"He said that?" He was in shock.

"That night we had the bubble gun tournament. He said that he could tell we had something, but Harry was oblivious so it never really mattered after that night." I explained.

Zayn crinkled his eyebrows together. "I uh," he began, "I don't know. It's not that I am in love with you still. But I'm not going to lie and say I didn't feel waves of nostalgia and compassion for you while we were out in California." He shrugged.

I stared down at the bedspread and nervously scratched my shoulder. "So do you think that you still have feelings for me?"

His eyes rolled into the back of his head. "No Dani I don't love you anymore. Don't be ridiculous!" He scolded me.

I cowered away from him. He let silence rest between us for a minute. "Yeah I didn't mean that right now." He admitted to his lie immediately.

"Yeah I wasn't buying it."

"Well you can't expect me to stay this way for the rest of my life," he seemed offended by the way I agreed with his lie.

"But I don't expect you to change that until we talk about it. It confused me for a long time. I'm not confused anymore but I'd still like to know the truth!" I exclaimed. This was finally the moment that Zayn and I would clear up our relationship.

"So tell me how you felt. Tell me everything. I need to know that everything I did made sense." I begged of him.

He shook his head and I shouted at him to stop. He shook his head again and I pleaded that he explained himself. He shook his head once again and I stood up from his bed. He pushed me back on the bed and leaned over my body.

Zayn's face was centimeters from mine. His breathing became heavier and he kept me pinned down by pressing my shoulder. "This." He breathed. "This is how it should have been."

He picked his hand up and let me free. I hitched my breath and swallowed nervous tears. Zayn took a seat across from me on his bed.

"You deserve the truth at most. And the truth is, we should have been celebrating years of anniversaries if I had never fucked up." He laughed insanely. "I really, truly, madly and deeply wanted you. When we were all buds, that's all I wanted. But when I met Kaylee, she came onto me. And I thought she was gorgeous and even though I wanted you, we had just been lolly gagging for so long and nothing was happening. We had something but we didn't make anything of it and that pissed me off. But she wanted to make something of it. And I liked that breath of fresh air and I wasn't about to pass up something good when it was in my reach, you know?"

"You could have said something instead of being pissed off that nothing happened." I argued.

"That works both ways." He retaliated.

"You should know better than anyone that I'm not a very straightforward person."

Zayn stopped arguing with me for a moment. "I do know that. I know you very well. And I think you might have lost yourself awhile ago."

"When Harry came around?" My eyebrows crinkled together.

"No." He sighed a chuckle, and looked hesitant before continuing on, "I mean when your mum.. Passed..." He was clearly ridden with anxiety as he spoke.

My eyes widened for only a moment and eased just as quickly. I knew he wasn't actually attempting to upset me right now. "You would be different if it happened to you too."

"I'm not blaming you at all. I'm just telling you that it's not the same after something like that happens. It's hard to deal with."

"I know it's hard! You don't even know the half of it Zayn!" I got overwhelmingly defensive. "I'm so sorry that my loss made it hard for you but I'm not going to pretend everything is normal just because you might not be able to deal with it!"

"Dannica that's not what I mean at all! I'm saying that no one teaches you how to deal with a loss. It's something you acquire from experience. And it took a toll on everyone! You, your dad, Liam, Mackenzie, Riley (authors note: Riley is Macks brother, mentioned in The Blog briefly) , me! Not just because we loved her like a second mother but because we love you and we notice changes in your personality, your ethic.. Changes in you. I just think things were different beforehand."

"My mental health has absolutely nothing to do with us." I shook my head.

He bit his lip and groaned inward.

"Unless you're implying that I was too much for you to handle. Because in that case, that's pretty shallow. But I'll have you know that-"

"You're a different person than you were before she died." He cut me off.

"More sad?" I sighed deeply.

"You have more.. Depth." he attempted to put his thoughts into words that would not completely overwhelm an active mind such as mine. "You worry about little things. And you always do your hair and makeup and you used to never take a second glance. You're a very clingy person and you care a lot about how much people like you. You think-"

"Much of this is more affected by Harry and not my mother, wouldn't you think so?" I interrupted him.

"Possibly? The way you carry yourself physically is probably more due to him than mum but you can't tell me I haven't noticed how you've changed over the years." Zayn probably thought himself to be an attentive fellow right now, but I was not buying any of it.

"Just say it." I mumbled.

The longer he talked the quieter I stayed. I could see him growing with more anger as I kept to myself. "Fine!" he burst loudly while I sat silently, "I'll say what you want me to! I think you're a very sad person! Alright? And if I could change that then I would but the truth is I don't know how to make you happy and I never have!"

A slow smirk appeared on my face. "I know." I nodded. He just kept shaking his head in reply. "It's my turn to talk, alright?" I asked.

"Alright."

"I am a sad person. I'm sad most of the time, deep down to my very soul. I'm sad because of everything I've been through. I'm sad because my parents aren't around and because of when Niall lied to me. I'm sad that Niall is now sad. I'm sad because you can't explain to me what you mean right now and I'm even sad because I'm telling you all the reasons that I'm sad."

"Do you think you might be sad?" Zayn chuckled lowly. I couldn't suppress a smile.

"Maybe a little. But what's really got me down this very moment is that you think you can't make me happy."

"Dannica, I cannot stand when things get cheesy, please do not turn this into a heartfelt, mesmerizing speech." he groaned.

"If you sit through it now, I'll never bother you with one again." I tempted him. He gestured for me to continue. "Alrighty." I cleared my throat. "I'll give you the fact that I've changed, but only because I've grown up since we were last closely acquainted and maturing is inevitable... However, I don't want you to continue thinking that us maturing means we've grown apart and that you're no longer a vital piece of my mental stability. Because let's be honest here, my mental stability is anything but stable and if you were not here who knows how much worse it'd be. Must I remind you who saved me from my own father?" I eyed him.

He bit at the insides of his cheeks and stared at the floor. "Exactly. It was you. My first love? You. My favorite artist? You. My least favorite grilled cheese cook? Definitely you. It's always you." I laughed lightheartedly.

"The man of your dreams?" He rose an eyebrow.

"Zayn..." I frowned.

"Harry? I know. I told you I'm not in love with you anymore." He shrugged.

"Why do you all have to be in love with me at some point or another? It makes life really frustrating and confusing because if I were a boy I'd have left the second I met myself." I was actually complaining over boys attention. "You, Harry, Liam..."

"You just happened to surround yourself with people who truly want to be a part of your life, that's all." a sincere smile crossed Zayn's face.

I fiddled with my fingers and tapped my toes on his floor. He kept silent but stared at me as if he had something to say. A lot to say. But he said nothing.

"So," I whimpered.

"Yes?"

"Do you actually believe Harry truly wants to be a part of my life?"

His head dropped ever so slightly and he laughed a bit. "As much as I wish I didn't understand, I know that he has some weird Oedipal complex shit going on in his heart for you and ya'll are having a fucking pride and prejudice type relationship and he's your Mr. Darcy, and if you were to ask him what name he would call you at this very moment he would definitely respond with "Mrs. Darcy"." He nodded promptly. "That is, however, if he even read the book." Zayn seemed proud of his response, although I was feeling a bit iffy because I didn't actually read the book when it was assigned in school.

"Um?" I partially smiled.

"You may only call me "Mrs. Darcy" when you are completely, perfectly and incandescently happy." Zayn quoted.

"You really think he's happy?"

"As happy as I have ever known him to be."

"And what about you?"

"Am I happy?" he asked.

"Yes. Are you?"

"I suppose."

"And what about the portrait?"

"The portrait?" he was confused at my change of thoughts.

"The portrait. Of me. For the application."

"Oh. The portrait."

"Was it because I make you happy?"

"I'm not sure, Mrs. Darcy."

~~~
I do not feel the need to apologize for my absences. As I have stated many times before I am an extremely busy person. The main purpose for my stories when I first wrote on Wattpad was for my own pure enjoyment. It just so happened that I published a story and it got a great deal of views and many people loved it. Since the success of The Blog, I have felt an unnecessary urge to please everyone who reads and along the way I lost my sense of enjoyment for writing and have not since wholeheartedly released any form of writing that I am 100% proud of. That being said, after the next and final chapter is released, I will probably be retiring from Wattpad because I do not feel that I am emotionally stable enough to write on a timely schedule and produce quality fan fiction type literature that I can look back on and claim happily as my own. Until then, thank you all for everything you have done for me and I hope you've enjoyed the obnoxious jumble of thoughts that I have happened to mash together into 64 chapters.

Best regards,

Michelle x