𝚂𝙴𝚁𝙴𝙽𝙸𝚃𝚈 ᥫ᭡
CHAPTER FIVE.
[trigger warning: suicide attempt]

𝕚𝕥'𝕤 𝕥𝕠𝕠 𝕞𝕦𝕔𝕙 𝕡𝕒𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕠 𝕓𝕖 𝕝𝕚𝕧𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕛𝕦𝕤𝕥 𝕥𝕠 𝕕𝕚𝕖..

CAELYNN TAYLOR 🤍 | JUNE 27

𝒂𝒕 around ten in the morning, caelynn shot awake from her bed.

but not because of a another night mare or panic attack..

hurriedly, she ripped herself from her blanket and ran out of her room to get to the bathroom. as soon as she made it in, she kneeled on the floor in front of the toilet, lifted the seat, then let it all out. her body violently jerked as she did so and kept forcing her to gag every time she thought she was done.

it felt like she was vomiting for forever until she finally stopped.

she breathed heavily and remained leaving over the toilet just in case, but nothing else happened, so she was really done. she flushed her contents down and used the counter to help herself back onto her feet.

the reflection staring back at her in the mirror had her eyes tearing up.

she looks so sad. she can't even fake that she's okay anymore.

all of the events from the previous night started to come back to her, and now on top of all of her shame and guilt, she also felt embarrassment. she was at a really low point last night, yet nyani and zakiar had to sit through that.

it wasn't fair to them.

this is what she means by being babysitted.

but, she couldn't lie and say she didn't do that to herself.

caelynn harshly wiped the tears off of her face and sniffled her stuffed nose.

you think we can live with that?

isleigh's words echoed in her head.

the answer to that question is an honest yes from caelynn too.

she's worthless.

she can't even handle her liquor apparently, and she obviously can't be there for someone when they need her because she can't even be there for herself.

she's replaceable.

there isn't anything that caelynn can give someone that they can't get from someone else. money? easy. a friend? searchable.

she's not enough.

she wasn't enough to convince God to keep her father alive, and she obviously wasn't enough to convince her mother to stay..

so what is her true purpose in this world?

she's tired of trying to figure that out. she's tired of trying to be strong for others when in reality, she's not.

life is beating on her and she can't take it anymore.

she's beyond bruised, beyond damaged, and beyond hurt.

this living thing is exhausting.

i just want to be with my parents.

would they be mad at her if she let God take her too?

well technically there's only one way to figure out.. right?

her hand rested on the handle of the left drawer.

do you really want to find out, caelynn?

she opened the drawer and scanned over all the different medicines, pulling out what she believes will be the strongest one.

slowly, she pushed the lid down and twisted it to get the bottle open. then she poured all of the pills into her shaking hand.

caelynn...

another tear fell down her cheek. she didn't wipe it away. she just let it fall and stared down at the blue pills.

are you sure you're ready to go?

she met her eyes again. her mirror's dull reflection stared back at her.

it's the only way..

life won't get any better than the way she's been living. her guilt and her shame won. she deserves this too.

i'm sure.

she closed her eyes and dropped all of the pills into her mouth, keeping her head tilted back for a cleaner swallow.

"caelynn!"

in the next second, she felt a pair of hands grab her. the person gripped her jaw and forced her mouth back open, leaning her body back over before using their fingers to hit the back of her throat.

all of the pills she swallowed came back up until she was choking them out into the sink.

caelynn sobbed at what she almost did. she looked up to see who caught her in the act, meeting the gaze of zakiar who looked just as scared as her. "what you doing, folks?" he breathed out, attempting to regain his composure. but his heart's still beating so fast.

"i'm sorry."

sorry that she tried it, or sorry that she got caught? zakiar isn't sure with her.

he didn't know what to do after witnessing that. all he could do is wrap his arms around her to bring her in for a hug.

caelynn continued to cry as she laid her head against his chest, tightly wrapping her arms back around him.

they don't know each other, but caelynn needed the comfort and he was willing to give it to her.

zakiar was still trying to wrap his head around the fact that caelynn was in here trying to commit suicide just seconds ago. if he hadn't of woken up from her running, if he had come in here minutes too late . . she really would have succeeded.

being that close to a death while he was only feet away . . that scared him.

her head turned to the sink, but he softly moved her face back to look up at him.

caelynn swallowed as he wiped her tears away then gently nudged her out of the bathroom. he'll be the one to clear out the pills from the sink.

she glanced back at him one more time before returning to her room, where isleigh still lay fast asleep.. unaware of everything that just happened.

JULY 1

𝒇𝒐𝒖𝒓 days passed since caelynn's incident. that's what she's been calling it. she did regret what she did, or what she tried to do. it took a lot of alone time and self-reflection that made her realize that even though she's not happy with her life. . she doesn't want to die.

she's afraid of death, despite missing her mother and father more than anything. but she's not brave enough to take her own life. that attempt would be her first and last time ever doing something like that.

the ordeal shook her core.

it's all she's been able to think about as of late, and so just how she was before christian and her brother arrived, she returned to staying cooped inside her room all over again. just thinking.

in a way, caelynn now feels numb.

she laid on her bed with her head at the end and her feet towards the top. baddies west played on her tv and the sound of their arguing plus the tiktok sounds coming through isleigh's phone went around her room.

she hates to keep isleigh locked in the house with her. it's summer vacation and isleigh came all this way to spend it with her. they were starting off good and now caelynn's emotions are getting the best of her. it's not fair to isleigh.

but she's thinking too hard over it.

isleigh truly doesn't mind. the fact that she's not stuck in her own house and she's spending her break with her best friend is all that matters to her.

the only thing she'll say bothers her is when caelynn feels like no one's there for her, as if she has no one to talk to. one minute caelynn's fine, and then in the next she's shutting down not wanting to talk to anyone. she keeps bottling all of her feelings up to herself, but sometimes, all we need is a shoulder to cry on to make ourselves feel better.

like now, she could tell something's been bothering caelynn recently. she assumes it's still from the other night, where caelynn had a breakdown about her parents.

she shifted sides to where she could lay down beside her friend. caelynn's eyes left the tv to stare at isleigh.

"you wanna talk?" she asked her.

"about what?" caelynn murmured.

"whatever you want," isleigh shrugged.

caelynn lowly sighed while sitting up. "i'm tired.." a mentally and physically drained type of tired. but she didn't say that part out loud. she just hoped isleigh knew what she meant by it, and isleigh did. "i don't know what to do anymore."

hearing how her voice strained, isleigh sat up next and brought caelynn into a comforting embrace. caelynn started to cry in her arms. all she keeps doing is crying. she's sick of it.

"just let it out," isleigh soothed her, rubbing her back. "you don't have to keep holding everything in. we're all here for you."

"i know.. but i still feel so alone all of the time. i can't keep doing this. none of you understand this type of pain."

"so help me understand."

so she tried. she tried to tell isleigh all of the things going on inside her head, the memories that keep her awake at night, the burning around her heart, just everything that she wanted out of her system . . but she kept getting choked up on her words until she gave up and just kept crying, bottling everything inside of her again.

this is why she keeps holding her hurt to herself.

she doesn't know how to let it out.

"i have an idea." isleigh got off of the bed and went to grab the sketch book off of caelynn's desk. she took the pencil too and brought it back over to caelynn. "if you can't say it, draw it. art is your therapy, right?"

caelynn sniffled while taking the items from isleigh's hands. "i already tried this, leigh."

"what'd you draw?"

a lump formed in her throat. "a noose..."

isleigh slowly nodded. "okay, that's a start."

"how?"

"well, even if you didn't want it to, it meant something to you. you put your feelings onto the paper. that means a part of you is acknowledging your emotions. you're just not doing it verbally."

the way isleigh just explained that to caelynn had the girl thinking. she never thought about it like that.

isleigh continued, "you're grieving and that's okay, caelynn. grief comes in different ways to different people, but it's never easy. the first step is acknowledging what you're feeling and knowing that it's okay. don't feel ashamed or bad about it. just let it out in your sketches. you ever heard of a visual diary?" caelynn shook her head. "come on then."

"where are we going?"

"to get you more supplies," isleigh answered, slipping on a pair of her shoes. "let's make you a diary."

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