𝚂𝙴𝚁𝙴𝙽𝙸𝚃𝚈 ᥫ᭡
CHAPTER THREE.

𝕒 𝕓𝕣𝕠𝕜𝕖𝕟 𝕙𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕥 𝕚𝕟 𝕕𝕚𝕤𝕘𝕦𝕚𝕤𝕖..

CAELYNN TAYLOR 🤍 |   JUNE 18

𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒈𝒂𝒏 got up to answer the front door when someone knocked. when he opened it, he was met with caelynn. he let her in and waved bye to christian and isleigh before closing the door back. she's been gone ever since they arrived in the city, staying at the hotel with them, and the only reason she's returning now is to shower and get more clothes. "you been having fun?" he asked, making a mental note in his head to place an order for caelynn to have her own key to the house. she lives here now, after all.

"yes," caelynn nodded, even smiling a little, which he was happy to see. "we're going bowling later, if that's okay."

"of course. you don't even have to ask, caelynn."

"thanks," she smiled again. she started to head for the stairs until he called out for her again.

"christian and your friend don't have to stay at the hotel the entire time. they're welcome to hang out here with you whenever they'd like."

"i'll let them know. thanks again."

she began to jog up the steps two at a time, able to hear loud laughter the closer she got. when she made it up, she realized it was coming from nyani's room. her door was open and she could hear multiple voices, so she assumed nyani's friends must be over.

she silently hoped that she won't be bothered and nyani won't even realize she's back.

all she wants to do is shower and hopefully catch a nap before she leaves again tonight.

but the odds are never in her hands anymore.

since caelynn's room was directly across from nyani's, nyani was able to see and hear caelynn walk over to her room. she called out her name before she could make it in. "can i introduce you now?"

it wouldn't even feel right if she said no. especially after last time. she felt bad for blowing nyani off the way she did. christian's right. she shouldn't push away the people who are trying to be there for her, but it's easier said than done. she feels the only ones she can truly trust are him and isleigh. no one else. not even nyani.

"sure," caelynn agreed. she went into nyani's room, stopping in the doorway. everyone's eyes are now on her, and to mask how awkward she felt, she crossed her arms and lightly pinched her skin.

nyani smiled and sat up from leaning on her boyfriend. "okay, so this is brycier, akari, janova, remiyah, and last zakiar."

caelynn let her eyes travel over all of their faces as nyani went around the room. she hopes she can keep their names matched to their faces, but she won't beat herself up about it if she doesn't. she doesn't see herself hanging around them at all this summer.

she waved at the friend group. "hi.. i'm caelynn."

"we know," 𝙟𝙖𝙣𝙤𝙫𝙖 gave a friendly smile. "nyani mentions you a lot."

nyani's face heated a little but she didn't deny it. it wasn't a secret that she did. she used to look up to caelynn a lot. from her style, to how she carried herself, to how she used to be a social butterfly. caelynn does still inspire her, but now it's a matter of strength that nyani admires about caelynn. she wouldn't even be able to breathe if she experienced the things that caelynn went through. now she wants to be one of the ones who can help caelynn get back on her feet.

"you're really pretty," 𝙧𝙚𝙢𝙞𝙮𝙖𝙝 complimented. caelynn's still got that baby face to her, and remiyah finds that cute in a friendly way.

caelynn did a closed-lipped smile, "thank you."

"do you want to hang with us for a bit?" nyani wondered.

unfortunately for her, caelynn is saying no this time. "i'm actually tired. . . maybe next time, though."

she said that last time, too. nyani's face fell a little as she nodded, "okay. we won't be too loud for you."

"no, that's okay. you won't bother me." she pulled out of the doorway and gave one final wave to everyone. "it was nice meeting all of you."

"you, too," they all echoed. then in the next seconds, caelynn was going into her room and closing the door behind her.

remiyah mugged the boys, "did you guys go mute? why y'all didn't say anything? that's probably why she doesn't want to hang with us."

nyani shook her head. "no, it's not. she would've said no regardless." the sad tone in her voice caught her friend's attention. "i feel like she hates it here. i don't know what to do when she keeps rejecting me."

"she prolly just wanna be left alone." the looks 𝙖𝙠𝙖𝙧𝙞 received had him raising his hands in surrender. "aii, my fault."

"i read that it's not the best to grieve alone, though," nyani frowned. "i just want to help her get back to her old self." caelynn used to be so much more . . well, so much more caelynn.

"people change, ny," 𝙯𝙖𝙠𝙞𝙖𝙧 told her, causing her to look over at him. "sometimes there isn't an old self to go back to."

he's so right about that part.

but that doesn't mean nyani is going to give up on caelynn.

as long as she can help it, she's going to try and be there for caelynn as much as possible, no matter how many times caelynn keeps pushing her away.

"911, 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕'𝒔 your emergency?" the female operator asked, but all she could hear on the other line was the sobs of a girl. "what's the emergency, sweetheart?"

"i — i need help," the girl cried. "it's my mom."

"tell me what happened. do i need to send an ambulance?"

"it's too late," the girl cried even harder. her sobs shook her body so hard, it hurt her to breathe. "she's dead."

the operator hurriedly flagged it in for officers and an ambulance to be sent to her location after hearing that. "stay on the line with me, honey. there are officers on their way, alright?"

she didn't have it in her to respond. one minute she was crying to the kind woman on the phone, and then in the next, her vision was going black and her legs were giving out, sending her body crashing to the floor.

𝒄𝒂𝒆𝒍𝒚𝒏𝒏 shot up from her position on her bed, desperately clutching her chest.

hot tears fell down her face as she struggled to catch her breath, and yet throughout all of this, she didn't make a sound.

she sat though her panic attack in silence.

frantically, her eyes darted from left to right around her room, picking out things she'd be able to smell, see, touch, taste . . and before she knew it, she could breathe again.

she lowered her head and let the rest of her tears fall, feeling so ashamed of herself.

that and guilt are familiar feelings that hit her after every panic attack. they never went away, and apart of her didn't want them to go away because she deserves this. she deserves whatever God wants to throw her way. everything is her fault.

her mom died because of her.

she's gone and caelynn can't get her back.

caelynn has to live with this.

she doesn't deserve to live happy or calm after what she did, and these random panic attacks, her insomnia, all of her memory-based nightmares are a reminder for that.

that's on her.

caelynn isn't even mad at her thoughts either. she agrees with them one-hundred percent.

one of the tears that fall down her cheek landed on her phone. it prompted her to finally wipe her face off and grab it to check the time. by the looks of it, she's been asleep for exactly two hours.

she guesses two hours is better than nothing. it's either take it or leave it.

in her motivation center, there were messages from people in her baltimore crew and even isleigh.

isleigh was just sending her tiktoks, and to her surprise, the messages from the other people were actually checking in on her.

she didn't expect that from them.

she didn't think they actually cared.

but you learn something new everyday, right?

instead of answering, she put her phone off to the side and got out of her bed. she fixed the covers and pillows then went over to her dresser, opening her sock drawer and digging through it until she pulled out a lanyard with keys.

the keys went to a lockbox she had hidden in her closet, and after grabbing the item and unlocking it, she pulled out her blue cart bar.

caelynn much rather preferred smoking on the real deal: a blunt. but she has no candles, no wall plugs, and no incense to mask the smell here. she's also new to chicago so she doesn't know any good spots to escape the house. she'll have to explore some time soon so she can start rolling up.

the cart will do for now.

anything that can help ease her nerves.

weed has always been something that's been able to relax her. it was this or alcohol, but she can't stand the taste of alcohol, so smoking it is.

it's her escape from reality during the times she really doesn't want to be in it.

it's another way for her to cope.

she took a hit on it and blew the smoke out while locking the box back up and returning it to its hiding spot.

caelynn continued to take puffs on it as she continued to move around her room, packing new clothes into the bag she's been bringing with her to the hotel.

when she was done with that, she sat down at her desk, feeling bored . . feeling empty.

she wishes christian would hurry up and come back to get her, but she still has another three hours before she plans to see him and isleigh again.

to her, that's so long from now. she has nothing but her depressing thoughts to keep her entertained. nyani's laughing it up in the room across from her, and here she is all alone. would she be laughing too if she took nyani's offer? she doesn't think so. the only people who have been able to bring a real smile out of her are isleigh and her brother.

she took another inhale on her cart, and now she started to feel its effect.

it felt nice.

she felt like she could unwind and relax.

caelynn blew the smoke out through her nose, her eyes accidentally landing on her desk's bottom right drawer.

for a second, she pondered if she should, then she found herself reaching out to open it.

she pulled out her sketch book and laid it flat in front of her.

slowly, she flipped through its pages.

from face portraits, to nature, to random kuromi doodles, kaws, murakami flowers, cartoon characters.. there was a variety of different colored drawings inside of this book that she's had for years now. she's had it for so long that it's actually out of pages due to how much she's drawn in it. she's just been adding papers and attaching them inside rather than getting a new book.

the very last sketch she made it to was a side-profile portrait of her father.

she traced her finger around his features and around his smile.

when she first drew this of cayton, it was to put a peaceful image in her mind. the way he died wasn't peacefully, but she hopes that in his afterlife, as he rested and watched her from above in heaven, he found his peace. she hopes he's happy now like how he is in her book. so every time she looks down at her sketch of him, she can imagine his smiling face. it put her mind to ease whenever she thought about him. it helped her heal away from his death.

caelynn wanted to be able to have a peace to mind when it comes to her mom, too.

reluctantly, she went into the top drawer of her desk and pulled out one of her pencils. she slipped out an empty page to begin her new sketch, inhaling on her cart then putting it off to the side so she can get started.

she tried to remember a lasting memory she held with her mom, one where christine was smiling.

to do this, she let her mind take over, and her mind is what guided her hand for its movements.

caelynn isn't sure how much time went by during her sketching session. she was quite literally zoned and isolated from the world while she worked. her hand had a mind of its own. in a way, she was unconscious. it's strange.

the sound of her phone ringing is what pulled her out of this reverie.

she blinked, finally taking in what it was that she was drawing, and the sight of it had her tensing. she swallowed the lump in her throat down harshly, almost getting choked up on the new tears building up within her.

quickly, she slid the book away from her and stood up.

"hello?" she answered her phone.

"i just left the store. imma swing by to pick up isleigh then we'll be on the way to come and get you," christian's voice came in.

"okay. i'll be ready."

"aii, imma see you. love you."

"love you."

the call ended.

caelynn sucked in a really deep breath while tilting her head back, refusing to cry again.

but it's hard.

she squeezed her eyes shut and wiped under them as if that would help. it did a little.

however, as soon as she got in the shower, the waterworks poured out anyways.

again, she knows she deserves it. but she's no longer sure how much more of this she can take.

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