"Hey, Hao."

I said once I reached the cemetery. I looked down at his grave and smiled, trying to hold in the tears.

"You're so unfair. You didn't even tell me that you were sick. You didn't even tell me beforehand that you were going to leave me so I could've prepared myself. Now, look at me, still crying over you even after years have passed."

I let out a pained laugh.

"Are you finally happy up there, Hao? Are you finally at peace? You know, ever since you left, it's never been the same. I still find myself missing your smile, scent, and your cute little giggles that would complete my day."

"Did it hurt you too? To know that you're going to have to leave me? To know that you'll never get to see me, touch me, hug me and love me ever again? Did it hurt you the way it hurt me?"

I bit my lower lip, as the tears started falling down.

"I cry whenever I see our pictures together. my chest gets heavy whenever I remember you. You were everything to me, Hao. How could you leave me like that?"

I couldn't hold it back anymore and lowered my head to cry. This was the first time in such a long time that I was visiting his grave and I just couldn't bear the emotions going through me.

"Fate made us play a cruel game, Eisa. Even after four years, the pain's still here. the pain's still the same. I just couldn't bring myself to let go of you, because you're the first person I ever loved." I lifted my head a bit.

"I just wish that I could have read your letter sooner. So I knew that you'd want me to go on with my life. so that I knew that you'd want me to let you go and move on." I mustered up a smile and looked at his grave.

"I tortured myself for so long, Hao, crying over you every time I remember our time together. so for the last thing that I will do for you, I'll follow what you said."

"I'll go on with my life. I'll free myself from you and I'll move on. So that I won't cry over our old pictures together again and I won't mourn over at the fact that I'll never see your face or hear your giggles ever again."

"Instead, I'll do the things that I've always wanted to do. I'll travel, I'll spend time with my friends more, I'll spoil myself more, I'll work on my self and think that this is what you want me to do. to do the things I love."

I wiped my tears and stared at his name engraved in the stone.

"Xu Minghao. the first ever person that I loved. the one who showed me what it's like to love and to be loved. You taught me a lot of things, and the last one you taught me is,"

I looked up and smiled, genuinely.

"That part of loving you is letting you go. And from now on, I'll do just that."

The moment I let out those words, it was like the heavy feeling in my chest was gone and I was finally able to breathe freely. I stared at the skies as the breeze dried my tears.

I smiled.

I know, somewhere up in the clouds, he's always watching over me. and right now, i know he's smiling down at me, happy that I finally found the strength to end his page.

-END

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A Xu Minghao Fanfiction

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