If You Wanted Honesty

Pairing: Gerard Way x Reader

Genre: Romance, Drama

Summary: Sequel to The Five Of Us Are Dying (x). It’s 2011, and after performing a sold-out show in Boise, Gerard demands the answer you promised. 1/4 of my The Five Of Us.... Alternate Endings series.
So much had happened since 2006.

___

Two years’ worth of touring in support of Black Parade has worn you and the other members of My Chemical Romance out, physically, psychologically, and creatively. The stress caused by your accidental confession had only made it worse. You were constantly worried that the boys would figure out it was Gerard you liked, and that it would ruin your friendship with all of them.

You couldn’t tell Gerard the truth. What if you two dated and then broke up? What would happen to the band? What if Mikey, or Frank, or Ray, had feelings for you, and got so jealous that you reciprocated Gerard’s that they couldn’t work with him anymore? The band’s success was the most important thing to you. It meant the world not just to you and the other members, but to thousands of fans across the globe. If MCR broke up because of your stupid crush on Gerard, the tabloids would call you the next Yoko Ono.

You couldn’t have that, and so, for years, you stifled your feelings. It made you feel distracted and unfulfilled and it even started affected your drumming. Maybe that was why Conventional Weapons tanked. But, now, after some time apart from your band, you thought you’d finally got your head on straight. You’d successfully helped record Danger Days, and now the band was back on tour again.

You were on stage, in front of an arena full of kids, drumming your heart out. Even though you’d been the drummer of My Chemical Romance for seven years now, you still got nervous sometimes that you were going to slip up and play the wrong note. You put all your focus into tapping the skins, hitting the rims, getting the beat just right. After all, if you fucked up, it would throw everyone else’s timing off.

You were sweating with the effort when you successfully finished the last song of the set. It was “Helena” – closing the show with that tune had become a tradition by now. You never got tired of hearing the fans sing “So long and goodnight” along with Gerard.

“I hope you had a great time tonight, Boise!” Gerard shouted to the crowd.

Wait…..Boise? you thought. You hadn’t even remembered what city you were in tonight. When the tour bus took you to a new city every single night, they all started to blur together after a while. It was always get there, play your songs, get out – no time to rest or even think.

But the name Boise was suddenly making you think very hard – about something you hadn’t thought about in five years. Or, at least, had been trying not to think about.

“Do you guys remember a little scandal the band had, all the way back in 2006?” Gerard spoke into the mic. “It was all over the tabloids back then, wasn’t it? Y/N said in an interview that she had a little crush on one of us boys, but she wouldn’t say who it was on!”

The crowd screamed in response. You couldn’t even tell if it was a “yay” or a “boo”, but it certainly got a rise out of them.

“I remember all the fans went on the message boards, like, ‘OMG, who do you think her crush is?’”, Gerard continued.  “And I know some of you guys wrote your little fanfictions about it……”

Wait, what?! People shipped you with Gerard? You knew that some people had written fanfic about Frank and Gerard. That was why the two of them had stopped acting so touchy on stage. But, you never realized there was fic about you. It wasn’t like you ever read that shit anyway. The idea that there was badly written porn out there about your four closest friends was incredibly awkward to you.

But, given the way the crowd was cheering, you and Gerard must be a lot of people’s OTP. How crazy was that?

“Now, you guys don’t know this,” Gerard smirked, “but five years ago, when we were still on the Black Parade World Tour, Y/N made us a promise.”

Oh, god, you thought. He wasn’t seriously going to hold you to that…..
“Y/N said that if we ever did a show in Boise, she would tell us the truth about who she liked!” Gerard announced. “Well, my dear little Idaho Killjoys, it looks like tonight’s the night!”

No. Fuck no.
You’d say Boise because it was a nobody, out-of-the-way city, and you didn’t think you’d ever actually play there. Had Gerard specifically booked this venue to force a confession out of you? Had he really remembered the promise you’d jokingly made, all that time ago? This couldn’t be fucking happening.

But, now Gerard was walking towards your drum kit with the mic, and holding it out to you.

“Tell us, Y/N,” he pleaded, his long, red hair sticking to his sweaty face as he looked at you expectantly.

“TELL US!” the crowd began to chant. “TELL US! TELL US!”

Fuck, you thought. If you were going to tell Gerard you had feelings for him (which you had planned on never doing, ever), this wasn’t how you wanted it to go! You wanted it to be in private, not in front of ten thousand people who would probably take a video on their cellphones and have it plastered all over YouTube and Tumblr and the news by tomorrow morning.

But, you realized, I can’t get out of this time, can I?
Everyone was staring at you, waiting. The crowd, surrounding you from all sides. Gerard, standing right next to you, looking hopeful but nervous. Ray and Mikey and Frank, all eyeing you curiously from their separate corners of the stage. For the next five seconds, each of them might still believe they were the one you were into. You were about to crush all three of their lingering hopes.

Part of you hated Gerard for putting you on the spot like this. But, God, you also still loved him. You’d loved him in 2004, when you first joined the band and weren’t sure if you would ever measure up to his musical genius. You’d loved him in 2006, when he’d drawn you so beautifully in his sketchbook while trying to impress you after you’d nearly blabbed. And you loved him now, in 2011, as he stood before you in a black tank top and skinny jeans, the most gorgeous he’d ever been, shoving a microphone past your cymbals towards your mouth.

“I love you, Gerard,” you confessed, knowing you couldn’t hide it any longer.

The crowd went fucking insane, squealing like Christmas had come early, or Fall Out Boy had gotten back together. But their thousandfold squees had nothing on Gerard’s reaction. He dropped the microphone in shock, and it let out a loud, static bbbzzzzzzt as it  smacked into your snare drum and hit the ground. His hand flew to his mouth, and, oh, god, what was this emotion crossing his face? Did he not feel the same way about you at all? You thought he might’ve, during the Parade tour, but that was so long ago. You two had never even mentioned the possibility of being more than friends since that night.

Oh my god, why had you admitted to this, in front of all these people?!

Oh my god.
You couldn’t handle this right now. It was too much, far too much. You threw down your drumsticks and darted out from behind your kit. Gerard tried to stop you, but you ran offstage without another word. You didn’t stop running when you got backstage. You didn’t stop until you were all the way back on the tour bus. You threw yourself down onto your bunk and started crying.

“Y/N?” you heard a familiar voice call as the door of the bus opened.

“Y/N, it’s just me,” Gerard said, walking over to your bunk. “Frank and Mikey and Ray are still at the venue, trying to get the crowd to calm down.”

“Why did you make me tell you like that?!” you cried, tears making the eyeliner your makeup artist had so carefully helped you apply run down your face. “Why, in front of everyone? Were you trying to humiliate me?”

“Why did you make me wait five fucking years for an answer?” Gerard shouted back. “Why did you let me basically hand you my fucking soul in that sketchbook that night, and then walk right past me onto this stupid bus, like it meant nothing to you?!”

“It meant everything to me,” you confessed. “That drawing was the sweetest, most romantic thing anybody had ever done for me.”

“Then, why act like it wasn’t me you wanted?” Gerard growled. “God, I’d convinced myself for so long that it was probably Frank. Or Mikey. They’re both better-looking than me. Of course you would want them.”

“I always wanted you!” you cried. “I just never wanted the truth to come out!”

“If you didn’t want people to know,” Gerard shouted, “maybe don’t fucking say you have a thing for one of your bandmates live on fucking MTV!”

“I didn’t mean to!” you insisted. “It just slipped out! Why the fuck would I ever tell you? I’d never be worthy of you.” With these words, you buried your face in your pillow and dissolved into tears.

“……Y/N, I’m sorry,” Gerard said, his voice taking on a softer, gentler tone. “I’m sorry it happened like this. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“No, you’re not,” you sobbed.

“I am,” he said, and you felt his hand begin gently stroking the back of your head. “Y/N, I would never want to hurt you. I’ve just been pining for you for so long that I couldn’t stand it anymore. Plus, I might be a little drunk.”

“You’re drunk?” you said, sitting up immediately and looking at Gerard in shock.

Gerard was a recovering alcoholic. You knew this. You’d never seen his out-of-control binges in person, the way the other band members had. You’d joined My Chemical Romance almost immediately after he got sober.

“Gerard, if you’re having a relapse……” you began, heart hammering.

“It’s not your fault,” Gerard assured you. “It’s just…..this whole fucking life, you know? The constant, exhausting touring. The way I dredge up the darkest parts of my soul to write the songs I know the fans want to hear. The way I’ve started starving myself trying to look like the perfect ‘rock star’ they all want me to be.  I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I don’t know if I can be in My Chemical Romance for much longer…..but, I know that whatever the fuck I do after this, I want to do it with you. I want to be with you, Y/N.”

“Do you mean that?” you asked in a hushed whisper, eyes wide.

“Yes,” Gerard confessed, “Y/N, I love you. I’ve loved you all these years.”

The feelings you’d held back for three tours couldn’t be contained any longer, and you crashed into his mouth, kissing him like you were drowning and it was the only way to get air.

He returned your kiss, eagerly, passionately, and threw you down onto your bunk bed, running his hands over your warm body.

“Fuck, I’ve waited so long for this……” Gerard moaned. You tugged wantingly at his shirt……

……..and then Frank, Mikey, and Ray opened the tour bus door and stared at you in open-mouthed shock.

“Oh, hello,” Frank smirked.

“Uh….um…….we came to check and see if you guys were ok…….” Mikey stammered. “But, I guess you worked it out……so, we’re just, gonna, uh, go now……”

“We have to start driving towards the next venue by midnight,” Ray said knowingly. “That gives you two about an hour. …….Have fun, kids.”

With that, he dragged Frank and Mikey back off the bus, and shut the door as he exited.

You and Gerard looked at each other, blushing furiously.

“……..I guess they’re cool with us dating, then,” Gerard said finally.

“So, we’re dating now? Officially?” you said shyly.

“Now and forever, baby,” Gerard grinned, and pulled you back down again to make you regret every second you’d ever spent resisting the allure of his sweet touch.