CHAPTER SIX
Thirteen years old

Felix decides that he will come out to Ares before they start high school.

And suddenly they're starting high school.

It's the last day of summer vacation when Felix realizes that Ares doesn't know about his tendency to get crushes on boys walking past him on the street (he has no idea how Keyomii has kept it a secret all this time or maybe she has just forgotten) and that maybe he wants him to know.

So, Felix comes out to Ares when he walks him home from a day at his house, baking.

Ares smells like chocolate chips and warm cookies and it's nice, but Felix is pretty sure that all he smells of himself is baking powder and burned dough. He hopes Ares can't tell.

"Ares," Felix says when he has counted to twenty. Ares hums and glances his way before mindlessly following a bird walking across the sidewalk with his eyes.

"See that bird–" Ares begins and at the same time, Felix closes his eyes and says, "I'm gay."

Ares halts and Felix opens his eyes again to see him turn his head. "The bird is gay?"

Felix shakes his head and averts his eyes, repeating, "I'm gay."

"Oh."

Felix doesn't know how to interpret the sound of the one-syllable word and, for a moment, Felix thinks that he was wrong to tell him. Maybe Ares doesn't want a friend who is gay and now he can only think about how high school will give him the perfect opportunity to get normal friends who like girls like he does.

Felix crushes his eyes together. "I'm sorry–" but then Ares is hugging him and Felix is taken aback by the sudden irritation filling him. If this is Ares trying to be nice before he tells him that he'd rather have them go separate ways now, he doesn't appreciate it. "What are you doing?"

"I'm hugging you," Ares says, oblivious to Felix's horrible thoughts. "They say to give them a hug if they come out to you."

"Who?"

"The internet."

"You don't have to hug me if you're just going to leave anyway," Felix blurts out. He doesn't actually mean to say it or to sound this angry, but he knows he can't take it back when Ares lets go of him, looking at him like Felix is the one breaking Ares' heart.

"Wha– Why would I leave?"

Felix holds his breath and shrugs.

"Felix"—Ares stresses his name—"I'm your best friend, aren't I?"

"Julian said he was my friend, too," Felix says. He finds Ares' eyes. "And then he said we couldn't be anymore because he found out I'm gay."

Ares wrinkles his nose. "That's what happened?"

Felix shrugs again. He wants to say that it doesn't matter even though it feels like it does.

"I'm not going to leave just because you're gay," Ares says and pauses. "I'm not ever going to leave you."

Felix thinks they're big words coming from a thirteen-year-old boy who's only just about to start high school with his best friend of five years—who doesn't even know the worst part of it all—but Felix still wants to believe him even if he doesn't. 

"But," Felix says, "now you know."

"Now I know," Ares echoes, like it means nothing that he does. "Can I hug you?"

Felix doesn't tell him that he thinks his heart will stop beating if he does. He also doesn't tell him his second biggest secret. He just nods and lets Ares hug him properly this time, Felix resting his face comfortably in the crook of his neck.

They start high school together, open and vulnerable. At least, that's how Felix likes to think of it.

Felix is horrified to find out that they only share two classes the next five years of their school lives: History and Chemistry. Ares says that it'll be fine because they will still be able to eat lunch together, but Felix can tell that it affects him just as much as it does Felix.

The days are long and tiring when you don't get to see your best friend, Felix finds. Still, he considers himself the lucky one: Keyomii is in almost all of his classes and somehow, she knows everyone. So, Felix is introduced to everyone. He tries his best to see them as friends, but all he can think about is how he just wants to talk quietly with Keyomii in the corner and can't wait to see Ares in the break. 

On Friday, the last day of their first week, Felix finds Ares by his locker, waiting for him. Felix smiles as Ares starts to rant about all of the people he has met the past week, how one of them has danced ballet since she was a kid and another strives to become a professional football player. It's with a stick of jealousy that Felix realizes that he was lucky to have Keyomii around, but that he is also the one who needs it the most. Ares collects friends like he writes his stories: fast but detailed. There is no one he forgets to mention. 

There's a Nina who promised him she'd show him a picture of her snakes she has at home. There's a Jack who plays lacrosse almost religiously and an Abdel who wants to become a lawyer and a Craig who paints. 

"Oh, and then there's Sara," Ares says. When Felix asks if she's cool, he shrugs. "She's nice. Loves to play basketball. I like her."

Felix doesn't think too much of it because then Ares tells him about Freddy who is paler than the moon and has even more freckles than their dotted notebook pages have. Felix laughs at the comparison and asks if he's cool, too. Ares says that he is and that he likes to talk about cars.

"And I wrote a new story!" Ares grins and he leans closer to Felix when he says, "I made the main character gay."

Felix blinks. "You did?"

Ares nods, looking excited. "To celebrate you coming out of course!"

Felix smiles, feeling something warm spread through his stomach. "Thanks, Ares."

"Don't worry," Ares says as the school bell rings, "you're falling in love with another animal in it, too. A shark, actually."

The conversation is over before Felix can ask him if his favorite animal is still a shark.

When Ares winks at him playfully, squeezing his shoulder before running the opposite way, Felix feels a spark of hope inside his chest. He lets it unfold until it fills his everyday life and it reminds him every time he's with Ares that maybe—just maybe—he has a chance.

Two months later, Ares has a girlfriend.

Ultimately, Felix stands there and doesn't know why he thought anything would—could—change between them after baring his heart and telling him that he likes boys. It's not like he admitted the worst part: that his heartstrings reach for more than just random boys in the hallways, that they sometimes reach for Ares and find that no one is there.

He doesn't know why he expects something to change but he does. He remembers vaguely thinking that he and Ares had all the time in the world and that he would spend all of it waiting for him if needed.

When Ares tells Felix that he has a girlfriend, Felix can't tell how Ares doesn't hear his heart break in half.

"You do?" Felix doesn't mean for there to be a pause, but there is.

Ares nods and rubs his knees. They're sitting on the steps in front of the school. Mrs. Sanchez is picking them up after church so they won't have to take the bus, but Felix has never wanted to be with Ares less than he does right now.

"Yeah." Felix doesn't realize he's staring until Ares finally looks at him. "Remember when I told you about Sara? Well, I guess we just kinda wanted to try it out."

Felix does remember a Sara. He remembers Ares thinking that she was nice and then he remembers times where Ares would tell him about her favorite hobbies and foods and the way she pushes her hair behind her ears and Felix feels so fucking stupid.

Felix says, "I remember."

Ares nods.

Felix can tell that Ares wants him to say something. Maybe he even wants him to ask about her specifically, but Felix doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He doesn't ask him who asked who, if it was a mutual decision, if they're totally in love, if they share more classes than just History and Chemistry, if she likes to write stories like he does, if he will start reading his stories for her instead of Felix. He doesn't ask because he doesn't want to know and Felix feels like a terrible friend, but this is all he can do.

Trying his best not to wreck his friendship with Ares, he utters, "I hope it works out for you two."

Felix doesn't ask Ares to introduce him to Sara and Ares doesn't offer it.

"I saw Ares holding hands with Sara this morning," Keyomii says a week later and Felix forces himself not to physically react to the news.

"You know Sara?" Felix opts for.

Keyomii frowns at him. "Of course I know Sara. You know Sara."

Felix turns to her. "I'm pretty sure I'd know if I did."

Keyomii shakes her head. "You probably just know her by her deadname. Her last name is Martinez if that helps. Big curly hair. Gap in between her teeth. She has vitiligo, too. She was at our school up until fourth grade or something." Felix blinks and Keyomii must see some sort of recognition on his face because she nods and says, "Yep. I can tell you remember."

Of course, Felix remembers her. Keyomii is right, they went to the same elementary school and Felix vaguely remembers her moving, but Felix wasn't close to her so he never knew why. He doesn't think Ares and she ever interacted back then. What were the odds of her sharing classes with him now and then even falling for him?

"I haven't seen her for years," Felix says just to say something.

"Me neither, but I ran into her in one of my classes. I barely even recognized her, but then we started talking and really, she almost looks the same." Keyomii shrugs. "They're dating, I'm guessing."

Keyomii looks at Felix when she says this, as if she is waiting for some sort of reaction, but Felix just shrugs. When she continues her staring, he turns his head. "What?"

"What?"

Felix rolls his eyes. "I'm going to class."

"Well, if you see her, say hi," Keyomii tells him, but he's already leaving. "I think you'll like her!"

Felix doesn't answer. He might accidentally tell her that he'd rather eat one of his dinosaurs at home than talk to her if he does. 

But he never gets the chance to choose between eating an old toy and talking with his best friend's girlfriend because the next day, she's right there, standing beside Ares by his locker.

She's taller than him, Felix immediately notes, so she must be a head taller than himself. She pushes her curls behind her ear as Ares says something that makes her laugh. Felix knows that he's probably swooning when she does this because his eyes follow the movement of her hands. Felix wonders if Ares has a thing for girls with glasses and brown skin like himself. 

Felix sees Ares watching her while she laughs and Felix decides to do the one thing he never thought he would ever have to do: avoid Ares.

Unfortunately for him, Ares has a sixth sense when it comes to Felix's presence and he turns around as if Felix yelled his name from the other end of the hall. He smiles but he is already smiling when he turns, so Felix doesn't think it counts.

Ares says his name. Felix smiles. It's not fake even if he thinks it has to be.

"Hi!" Sara greets when he has finished smiling her boyfriend in the face longer than deemed normal. When he looks at her, she's also smiling. "I'm Sara. I don't know if you remember me, but we went to the same elementary school for some time. But, you know, I went by a different name back then so..." she shrugs to finish off.

Felix imagines having the guts to keep quiet and give her the cold shoulder, but then he realizes that he's an asshole for just considering doing that, so he inhales and smiles. "No, I remember. Keyomii reminded me the other day, but it's the first time seeing you around. I didn't know you went here."

"Well, I don't think we share any classes," she says. "But I've seen you in the halls sometimes. Ha, just felt a little awkward saying hi in case you didn't remember me." 

Felix chuckles. "I get it. Don't worry about it."

Felix tries his best not to look at Ares, but when he finally does, he's smiling so big that Felix has to look away again. "Sara keeps stirring the conversation back to sports." Ares leans into Felix and he almost tells him to show him some mercy. "Can you believe it? She just listed all her favorite ones. I didn't even know there were that many sports around here."

Sara chuckles and turns to Felix. "Do you play anything, Felix?"

"Soccer," he says. "But mostly when we were kids."

"Great," she says, "then please explain to him what's going on on the field because I have tried to do so the past five minutes and he still doesn't get it!"

Felix quietly smiles. "They kick the ball around."

"That's what I said!" Ares laughs.

I know, Felix thinks. That's why I said it.

Felix feels pride for knowing his best friend, but he quickly feels like shit. He's standing here, in front of his best friend's girlfriend, trying to prove to her that he knows him better than she ever will and he hates himself for it. But then he looks at her and sees her laughing and he feels annoyed instead. Why is he the only one who cares?

"They do more than kick the ball around," she drawls and Ares laughs so much Felix feels it in his bones. Sara shakes her head. "It's so much more than that."

"I hear you," he laughs. He puts a hand on her forearm and Felix can't help but stare at it for seconds. "But is it really, though?"

She sends him a look before softly flicking him on the forehead. Felix has to look away now because it's all just too romantic and intimate that he, for the first time, feels like he's intruding on Ares with someone else. Like he isn't supposed to be there with them even though Ares was the one to call him over, even though he is always there with Ares.

That's why Felix says, "Well, see you after school, Ares." Felix doesn't look at Ares when he smiles and tells Sara that the next time she sees him in the hall, she should say hi. He feels like the bad guy when Sara smiles at him and says it was nice to meet him again after so many years and he has to answer "you, too" when not really meaning it.

Felix hides away in his next class where a girl he vaguely recognizes is already sitting there, her feet on another chair and Nintendo Switch in her hands. Felix thinks her name is Teddy, but he's not sure. When he realizes that all other seats are already occupied, he asks her if the seat beside her is taken.

"Nope," she says and removes her feet. She continues playing and Felix sits down. After a while, she asks, "Do you know this game?"

Felix doesn't really want to talk, but it doesn't seem like Teddy is longing for a conversation either, so he takes a look at her screen and says, "No."

She hums. "Okay."

Teddy lets Felix watch her play her game until the class starts. She doesn't tell him what it's called and he doesn't ask.

When the bell rings, he expects her to put it away, but she doesn't. Not even when the teacher sends her a pointed look five minutes into the class, does she move an inch. She only reduces the volume of the music but even then Felix can still hear it. No one seems bothered, so he doesn't comment on it.

"A girl in my class was playing the Nintendo Switch in English class," Felix tells his father at night when they're eating pizza on the couch. "While the teacher was watching her."

"Really?" his father says. "What a brat."

Felix snorts. "Mr. Wen would've confiscated it if anyone had done that."

"Mr. Wen was very serious about his job."

Felix hums and leans back into the couch. 

His father takes another bite of his pizza and Felix thinks the entire universe hears it when he swallows. "How is it, then? High school. Is it everything you dreamed of?"

Felix shrugs. "Too many classes. Too many teachers and people. Too much of everything. It's just a lot."

"Of course it is. It's high school! Everything is a lot for a thirteen-year-old."

Felix shrugs again. Soon, he hears his father clear his throat and Felix rolls his eyes because he knows what this means. "Any... nice guys in your classes?"

"No, Dad." His father hums and Felix feels bad for sounding angry when he's not really angry at his father, but at everything else, so he exhales and continues, "Well, I don't know. It's not really something I think about when I'm there."

His father hums again and Felix holds his breath when he asks, "And what about Ares?"

Since Felix told his father that he liked Ares (stupid twelve-year-old Felix and his twelve-year-old feelings) his dad has asked him every week whether his feelings for his best friend are still there or not and Felix always tells him, "It's like always," because it always is. 

This time, Felix puts down his pizza and says, his tone angrier than he means for it to be, "Ares has a girlfriend, Dad."

Felix's father drops his pizza onto his plate and he can tell that he is staring at the side of his face. Felix stares straight ahead. "Oh."

"I told you he liked girls back then."

"Yes, but–"

"So it shouldn't come as a surprise," Felix finishes, his teeth gritted.

His father notices everything. "It's okay to be upset, Felix."

Felix stares holes into the table in front of them until he feels his cheeks flush and he throws his pizza plate onto it. He stands and tells his father that he's going to bed and then he leaves the living room before he can argue that they aren't done talking and maybe it would be better for Felix to stay.

When Felix drags the duvet over his head, he turns his phone over and a text lights up.

Sara said she really liked you, it reads. I'm glad you guys got to meet. 

And another follows, It would be cool if my two favorite people at school would like each other ;)

Felix knows it's ridiculous and that jealousy is a haunted emotion that people should pray away from one another, but he is thirteen years old and everything feels too big for his thirteen-year-old heart, so Felix hides away his phone and lets himself cry into his pillow.

AN

hello hello hello hello!!

so, my best friend moved back to japan which is pretty shitty and japanese school system is fucked so she doesn't get enough sleep and has to study too much to function and i can't stop thinking about it :(

anyway, i am doing nothing this summer vacation so thinking about painting another one of my walls yellow to match the first one i painted yellow in seventh grade. just to keep myself sane you know

also, shameless self-promotion: wrote another one-shot, this one about a dude doing porn but the plot twist is that there is not an inch of porn in it except like one vague paragraph so yeah

this is too long of a note, but i hope you guys are having a good summer :):)