Ch.30 - Alexithymia

Senshi and one hundred others stared intently at the board of names, scanning for their name that would signal their acceptance. The second part to the examination had just completed roughly ten minutes ago. The fight against Gang Orca had gone rather abysmal for some, and for others it was simply annoying to watch two people too caught up in their heads to realise that they were affecting others. Senshi had kept to trapping Gang Orca in a dome, all white taking care of the minions of his. Oh and did I mention that Senshi was very close to slapping some sense into the half-and-half boy in her class? Luckily for him, the black haired girl was more focused on her own endeavours.

Once that... situation was over, everyone had re-dressed back into their school uniforms. Most people looked slightly scruffy, their hair being slightly untamed compared to when they arrived, and a thin sheen of sweat at their hair line.

Mera was going on about "Thank you for your hard work" or something or other, then once the man finally finished the unimportant speech, he pressed a button revealing those who passed. Senshi scanned across the ninety or so names remaining, her eyes never having move so fast.

The roughed up students were one of two things, happy, or sad. Senshi's eyes darted around the board, not caring that it was alphabetical order. She let out a breath, her frame visibly relaxing as her heart swelled with joy; as if she were a child in a sweet store. She had passed, though Senshi didn't know what else she was expecting exactly. Failure? Maybe, but she hadn't known the scoring system, so there could've been a chance.

Look behind her, and noticing the emotions of her soulmate that weren't so fond, she was back to scanning the board. 

He didn't pass?

Here eyes filled with sympathy, she looked at him. His mouth was open slightly, signalling that he too wasn't expecting the outcome. His body was visibly tense and defensive, and his facial expressions showed anger, but Senshi saw that in his eyes he was truly conflicted. He seemed to be so disappointed, but also so sad at the same time. And she wasn't just guessing, she knew. She could feel it.

And as she saw him snap at his classmates as if he couldn't care less, there was less bite than usual. It was a slightly deflated offense, no one else seemed to notice it however, maybe she was the only that ever would notice small details such as these?

"Shoulda been more careful of what you said, words are important you know." Kaminari's statement made Katsuki seem like an actual demon from hell, if Katsuki was screaming when he was mad, he was so angry he was silent. Or was he even angry?

Conclusion, he wasn't.

"Shut you mouth before I murder you." Bakugo growled making Kaminari shudder with fear. The less bite part of Senshi's theory had been proven with ease, it was false to say that Senshi wasn't concerned.

"We knocked off points when you did something wrong, fall below fifty and you were done. The demerits were itemised on your result forms all you'll see so I'd look at them." Mera continued as some men handed out sheets to all one hundred students who participated.

Senshi took hers with a small "Thank you" and began to read over it.

Tate Senshi: 81 points

According to the HUC members, Senshi needed to hesitate less, and should always prioritise those who need saving rather than fighting. For the latter, Senshi could only assume that the comment was made because some students were already taking care of the situation. The first comment however, she couldn't bare to think about any longer, politely folding the paper in a small square and putting it in a pocket that was sewn in her skirt.

As much as Senshi knew that Katsuki would hate it, she kept shooting him empathetic glances, feeling as though she couldn't stop looking at him in order to make sure he was okay.

(That was her job as is soulmate, right?)

Mera then continued to explain the heavy responsibilities of having a provisional license and how All Might had lost his power as well as how villains could be more daring as of now. Mera also mentioned how those who failed could have another chance and take part in a special course that would take 3 months to get their licenses. Senshi was slightly more hopeful for her soulmate when the latter was mentioned, at least he and one other from the class wouldn't be too far behind.

Senshi followed the crowd when everyone was due to actually receive their licenses. Senshi brushed her fingers through her slightly knotted hair in an attempt to get it looking at least somewhat neater.

Senshi smiled lightly for the camera, the corners of her mouth genuinely upturned for once. The camera flashed with a blinding light that made sun-spots dance in her vision for a minute as her actual licence was finalized and given to her. It contained the school she was affiliated with, her quirk title, her birthday, and her hero name.

She walked towards her class who was situated near their bus, she smiled fondly at the object in her hands. The small card that held a portion of her future, the other portion being the boy staring at her with a small sense of pride, but also a slight twinge of jealousy.

It was just like how Senshi played the piano, she was expertly playing his heart strings.

********

The moment the class arrive back to their dorm, they were most definitely welcomed with a surprise. "Who's cat is that?"

Okay, maybe Senshi forgot to introduce Tsuki to the class, maybe. Senshi walked to the front of the huddle of people getting a look at the meowing cat, picking up her 'child' and walking off. It was a wonder how Tsuki got out of Senshi's room in the first place, though it wasn't something she needed to worry about much. 

Tsuki was a very loving cat, seldom doing something wrong, so maybe it was a tad unfair that Senshi kept him locked up in her room for a week, not counting the balcony. Tsuki was used to Senshi's rather large house, not a small dorm room.

"Tāte, you have a cat?" Uraraka asked softly, looking at the purring animal in Senshi's arms.

"Yes."

"Aww it's so cute! Is it a girl or a boy?" Ashido continued, most people intrigued. Senshi sighed, this may have been part of the reason she had avoided Tsuki being let out.

"He's a boy and his name is Tsuki." Senshi introduced, walking into the common room while shaking her shoes off of her feet. Tsuki hadn't actually met many new people, Senshi's Nana being the only exception. So in all honesty, Senshi had no idea how Tsuki would react.

Senshi sat down on a sofa with the cat in her lap, though Tsuki quickly climbed out and seemed to have the urge to investigate all of these new people; very different to Senshi, who was basically his mother.

Katsuki was walking through the living room when something soft latched onto his pant leg. He looked down to see a grey cat looking up at him, the feline proceeding to meow at full volume. "Get off of me." Katsuki groaned in annoyance.

The cat surprisingly did so, though proceeded to follow him. He had heard the girls and few of the boys fawning over the cat which had revealed itself to be Senshi's, and the little bit of fur that managed to rub against his exposed ankle had reminded him of Senshi's soft hands, and as stupid as it may sound, the cat did bring an essence of kindness with it.

"Tsuki! Come here!" Senshi called out delicately, the cat turning around and towards its owner. Katsuki had felt a slight bit of heart ache when the cat did turn around and walk of with so much as a meow.

He subconsciously hoped to see more of the animal.

The girls had taken quickly to fawning over the animal, there now being a second dorm pet. Senshi had seen Katsuki's fondness of the animal under his eyes, maybe he did have a soft spot...

Regardless of where Senshi went, Tsuki seemed to follow her. It was like this normally however, except for the times where her parents would argue. Though in general, Tsuki was attached to Senshi's hip and Senshi didn't mind it at all.

 Todoroki in fact was a person who had an unexpected reaction, he much like Senshi was slightly aloof, but he seemed to find comfort in the cat. Tsuki had placed a paw on his nose, and Todoroki had been slightly startled, though his wide eyes softened and his mouth that was once in a thin line changed into one which was a small smile.

So, her Nana was right once again, an animal will always be open to giving love as long as you love it first.

********

He hated it. Another restless night, another night plagued with nightmares of the multitude of times that his freedom was unwillingly taken away from him. A drop of his toxic sweat dripped from his fingertips, his bedsheets having a burning scent to them. He could only guess that he used his quirk in his sleep again.

A defeated sigh left his lips, his chest shaking at the exhale. He reached over to his night stand and took a towel to wipe away his hazardous sweat. He simply despised it all.

How everyone including his teachers seemed to loom over him constantly, wanted to suck more and more potential out of him, something he simply couldn't supply. He hated how he must be making Senshi feel all of it too, it wasn't something he could keep to himself; and for once, he hated that.

He shook his head in an attempt to rid himself of the self-deprecating thoughts that had spread through his mind. He once again convinced that these thoughts and nightmares would go away with time.... yet for some.... it had been many many moons since they occurred.

He could still feel the green slime of the sludge villain enter his throat and lungs, he could still feel the roughness of Dabi's hand grasping his neck. The absolute fear the pulsed through him when these events occurred, the regret of seeing the hero he's idolised since he could comprehend that king of thing, almost die because of him. 

And then his stupid classmates. Those idiots thought that he was weak, he knew that Senshi could've definitely gotten out of there alone, so how dare they think that he's weak!

... the current situation really proved it... didn't it? His weakness......

He had stopped checking under his bed for monsters when he realised that they were actually inside of him.

Katsuki clenched his jaw in an attempt to keep his breathing steady, he didn't want Senshi to know. He appeared to not want her to know much about him, he wasn't scared.... right? No. Yet his heart hurt when he thought of that, in a way that let him know that..... maybe he was wrong.

He didn't want to idea to sink in, but it was a futile attempt. Much like his potential, it appeared that he wasn't good enough, and the provisional licencing exam proved that. He definitely couldn't save himself, so what did he expect? To be able to save others? Idiot.

And then the fight with Deku.

The boy that he had always been above in everything. Grades, potential, a whole ass quirk, life. And now the scary part was, Deku had come from a corner of Katsuki's like that he hoped to never look back on, the part that if the people in that corner became great, he would fall and crumble.

And Deku had become.... not bad. Was he due to crumble? Was he already crumbling like an ancient ruins?

Maybe he wished to live Deku's story, at least he was happy and the protagonist of his own story, where as Katsuki was an.... extra, and that was in his own story.

Knocking at his door had been his wake up call. Who the hell would be knocking at his door at three in the fucking morning? His eyes widened and his heart was pounding in his ears - still- as he sat up. 

Maybe whoever was out there would be a good distraction to his very loud thoughts. His got up from his bed, his chest unknowingly shaking with every breath of cool air he took. He strolled his way to his door, unlocking it and opening the door to be met with the soft lighting of the dorm halways.

But that was ordinary.

What was extraordinary however, was the force that pushed him back a few steps, and then the tight squeezing of his core. The feeling of someone burying their head into his chest which was covered by his already sweaty T-shirt was much more than enough to send a new emotion through his veins.

By the locks of jet black hair that were slightly knotted from sleep, he knew who it was. And yet Senshi didn't say a word, which wasn't uncommon, but he really desired to hear her comforting voice right now. The girl looked up at him, Katsuki being four inches taller than her. Her cerulean hues looking deep into his eyes, her eyes full of tears and there were even more running down her face. The two dots right by her left eyes that always seemed to appear when the girl was crying were there, here eyes red and puffy.

Though right in that moment, seeing his other half so upset, he had long forgotten his loud thoughts. 

The soulmate bond that they shared seemed to tighten even more in that moment, him feeling more connected to her than ever, maybe that would be because he so desperately wanted to wrap her up in a hug and never let her go.

Yet he unwillingly held back, instead deciding that words would be a much better option; even if he knew that he wasn't good with words, and never had been. He didn't want any to see him like this after all, he had already proven to his classmates that he was weak enough as is. But, as it appeared, he was  too late, as Senshi beat him to be the first person to talk between them.

"Why are you crying Katsuki?"

He, for the first time he can remember, gave into his pride. The words he was going to say caught in his breath, and died in his throat. Those five words striking him in a way no others had, and as a result of that, a guttural cry was let out from his throat. He pressed his face into her soft and comforting hair as more frustrated tears left from his eyes.

Had he really been crying this whole time? Perhaps he'd gotten used to the dryness of his throat and the wetness of his salty tears falling down his flushed cheeks. Though then again, it had been this way for months. And Senshi had tried to move past it, though he hadn't missed the sympathetic glances she sent him.

No one noticed his tears, no one noticed his sadness, but everyone noticed his mistakes. Yet she, she was the only one to notice everything.

Senshi had tried her best to ignore the burning in her heart and gut, the sadness that seemed almost immobilising. Yet tonight, tonight it seemed especially bad. Senshi couldn't explain it, but it felt as though Katsuki was at a new low, one that was much more than a sadness.

It could almost be seen as a mournful heart break.

And now... now the soulmate that she was sure may never accept her, was holding her tighter than she had anticipated; as if she were the one that was upset. It seemed almost like Senshi was the only thing that kept Katsuki attached to reality in that moment. And the confusing butterflies in her chest and stomach could be sorted out later.

Softly -much like everything else Senshi did- she rubbed comforting circles on her soulmate's back. For a person who was adverse to touch, he relished into the touch that Senshi was more than willing to give.

His panicked breathing slowed, almost lulling him into a sleep right there and then. His chest felt calmer, and less tense and constricted.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

He felt his chest tighten, and his nose tickle as more tears found their ways into both of their eyes. He hugged her tighter, as if he were trying to rid himself of the sadness by transferring it to someone who was equally as broken.

From that, Senshi knew what his answer was. Senshi escaped from his death grip, making sure to keep one hand in his as she led him to his bed. Senshi could hear Katsuki's breath getting constantly caught in his throat, much like hers. She felt as sad as he did, but it was a phantom sadness, as it was, and never would be hers.

Katsuki has no clue as to why he didn't put up more of fight, he was exhausted. No, that was an understatement. He was emotionally exhausted, mentally exhausted, and physically exhausted. He was running on pure fumes at this point, and how on earth he was still going was a phenomena to Senshi.

And for once, it wasn't because his ire had made him scream his throat blunt, it was because of his guilt and self-loathing. Those two things had slowly started to replace where his pride had been, most likely why it broke so quickly in front of his soulmate.

The girl who was kidnapped with him. The girl who had always felt everything he felt. How was she so strong?

(Perhaps Katsuki forgot the many times he too had to calm her down, maybe it was too lost in his deafening thoughts and memories to be immediately recalled)

"I-I-" For once it was his voice that trembled with uncertainty. Senshi's thumb travelled over his knuckles with the proof that he was going to be okay.

"It's okay, you don't need to say anything." She spoke in a whisper, in a tone that was softer than the spitting of rain. But it wasn't just that, the tone was a tone that she seemingly wished to hear said to her. She sat next to him on his bed, the sheets tossed and twisted with the lingering scent of burnt.

Senshi continued to trace his hand with hers, thinking about how he had actually been taking this much harder than she had. Truth was, she couldn't take it that bad, she had much worse overshadowing that. And the saddest part for her, was how easy it was to not say anything at all.

Maybe that's why Katsuki never got help, because the pain helped him feel something; even if it was for few fleeting moments. 

She once again moved him, with tears still cascading down his rosy cheeks. His head laid on something warm, something comforting. The feelings of hands playing with his locks was -if possible- even more comforting to him.

"I'm here if you need."

There was a certain twinge of regret in her voice, sounding as if she should've been there for him long ago. But she couldn't focus on herself, she was focused on him.

And as Katsuki finally fell asleep, this sleep finally being the proper escape from reality that he needed, not one that locked him away from all of his happiness. Not the dreams that shredded away his ability to feel. He loved the dreams where he could be him, and the dreams that were happy.

And for the remainder of the night, the two were more than happy. And maybe they had come into a realisation of both of their feelings.