It took a lot of convincing to get Joakim to let me go.

At first he refused, but there was no menace in his voice, only concern, worry, and an almost maternal instinct. He wasn't about to let me go to a country that was to him, completely foreign. It wasn't foreign to me, but he wasn't wrong either. I was a child, and I hadn't gone alone. I had Mom and Dad with me. 

But the thing is, I wouldn't be staying in an unfamiliar, foreign home. I would be going home, in mom's place. Grandma and Grandpa had lost a daughter that night, the only one they ever had and will ever have. I refuse to let them think I was gone too. 

When I say it took a lot of convincing, I mean it took convincing, but he let me go in the end. He understood. He was reluctant, but he understood. He let me go. But he made me promise to call him every night. It doesn't take a genius to understand why.

Jay and I packed for a three-week stay. I wasn't exactly planning to sightsee, but Jay was all for it, and I had to agree with her when she said that the point of travelling was to have fun. If you spend all your time doing just one thing, then there is no point in travel. And she said, if we were going to Kyoto, we needed to head over to Osaka, for fun. That's how two weeks became three, so that we could relax, take our time. I didn't fight it. I let her plan the whole trip. Because I knew I wouldn't plan to have any amount of fun. That's why I love her, you see. Because she was a festival of her own, she was always excited and happy. That's why I love her so much. 

"Next time, we need to go to Tokyo."

"We could if we extend our holiday to one month."

"Nah, that'd kill Joakim. Plus, he'd murder me for ever making that suggestion. You don't understand how much he cares about you, Aki."

"Oh I do know. I just love making him worry."

Jay scoffed. We didn't think much. We booked a flight in April, during cherry blossom season, and left. Joakim and Jen saw us off at the airport, until they could no longer follow. 

This was the third time a plane ride had been important to me. This is the first time I've gone back to see Grandma in years. The Sora residence was known well enough to others, so we at least knew what to do if we got lost. But we were staying in a small apartment hotel on our first night, and then setting off to find Grandma the next morning.

"Aki, look." Jay smiled from her window seat. "It's so beautiful outside."

"We have to transfer when we reach Hong Kong, you know."

"I know." She grinned. "I'm just excited."

Every time I've been on a plane, I try to take note of how surreal it is. But I also try to think of it as a checkpoint. A marker. An important moment to return to and celebrate, because every time I'm on a plane, I've made some progress in my recovery. I noticed that when I boarded the plane to Japan, from Hong Kong. 

The last time I was headed to a different country, I thought of myself as worthless, useless, a shameful being to ever come to rise. I forgot to give myself credit for the fact that I was still there.

When we touched down in Japan, Jay was almost skipping with joy. It was dark out and we were jet lagged by the extreme time difference, but Jay didn't care. I didn't either. We were there. I was closer to home than I had ever thought myself to be. 

I'm not saying that where Joakim was isn't home. I'm saying that I had a home here too, and I had always known that one day, I will need to return to it.

We opted for an apartment. It was small, but I liked it. For some reason, though, being in an apartment with Jay made me feel a little nervous and shy. I think it was the prospect of moving in with her one day. It was a long way, but it was most certainly possible. I won't rule it out.

"I'm gonna change."

"I won't look."

"I didn't say you couldn't." Jay smirked, pulling off her shirt. My eyes instantly went straight to her chest and darted away. 

Damn it, Aki. Keep it together. 

"You peeked." She said, teasingly. She still hadn't pulled a new shirt on. I felt my face burn.

"Shut up. It's not my fault you have a good body."

"And you don't?"

"Am I supposed to?"

"Aki, honey." She smiled at me, cupping my face. "I think you're beautiful."

I reached up to place my hands over hers. I didn't want her to let go. I didn't want to let go. This tender feeling was unfamiliar to me but I liked it, I wanted the moment to last. I could feel this building to something else, but I refused to let it take over my head. It was making me go dumb.

"Aki I need to shower."

"I bought bubble bath stuff."

"Wait, when?"

"At the airport. We get duty free, remember?" I grinned. She laughed. I was doing my best to ignore the fact that she was in nothing but underwear. I was not doing a good job of that, honestly. She smiled as she headed to the bathroom.

"I'd get in first then. Where did you keep them?"

"Stuffed them it in the cabinet, you can choose. There's a lavender one!" I called as she disappeared behind the door. Moments later I heard water running, gentle humming, and I lay back down on the bed. I don't know why I feel like this. I want to. I don't. I'm scared. I'm not. There are many things I don't understand, but this was the one time that not understanding pissed me off. Ah, Jay, my love, why didn't I ask to get in the bath with you?

When Jay came out from the shower, looking clean and relaxed and in an oversized t-shirt and shorts, I got in. I let the hot water run down my scarred body, staring at the scars I still haven't shown her yet and am still too afraid to, but I hope one day will. I hope one day she will see them, and tell me that I'm still beautiful. I wanted her to see the parts of me I had been afraid of. But I had a habit of worrying and it is hard to stop worrying once you start. I just sat in the bath, I sat for so long I could be a sponge. I had to get out eventually, but it wasn't that hard. It feels good to have clean clothing on me.

We had shared a bed before. This isn't new. I liked curling up in her arms and feeling safe and warm. I like the feeling of having someone with me, loving me, caring about me, holding me so closely. I felt happiest wherever Jay was. She was wearing a soft, cotton white shirt, and I took another mental note.

Love is a soft white shirt. It is made of black shorts and warm hugs. This is what love feels like. Don't forget what feels like to you, Aki. Don't forget.

We woke up early the next day, running on caffeine and sugar and the high of being in a different country, the high of waking up in a place that only had the two of us here, and we set off to find Grandma. I watched as Jay's beautiful hair got tussled by the wind, cherry blossoms circling her. We stopped by so many stores.

"Hi, excuse me, do you know where the Sora residence is?" I asked this one old lady. She and her husband were selling tiny clay wares, like plates in the shape of cats. Some part of me felt like I was already in Grandma and Grandpa's store.

"Just up ahead! May I know why you ask?"

"I'm here to visit my grandmother." I smiled. "I haven't been here in a long time, so I can't quite remember where her house was."

We kept walking, but Jay made sure we stopped at every store along the way, made sure we paid attention to every fascinating plant. The whole journey took about a few hours, because we kept stopping everywhere. I can't say I mind, because I had fun. I had a lot of fun.

When we approached the gate, I hesitated. My hand was on the doorbell, I was facing the door, I wasn't ready, I was scared. Suddenly I wasn't sure if this was a good idea. I can't be sure if Grandma wants to see me. I don't know if I should tell her if Jay was my girlfriend or just a friend. But if Grandma wasn't against passing the business down to an adopted child, would it be alright? Would I be alright?

"Aki," Jay put a hand over mine, squeezing it gently. "I'm here."

We pressed the doorbell together. I didn't hear anything for a few moments, and then footsteps too heavy to really be Grandma's. A young man opened the door slightly, without unlocking the chain.

"May I help you?" He asked, looking both confused and surprised. I can't say I blame him, because I didn't even drop a memo. The store was also elsewhere. What do you say to one foreigner and another who looks Japanese enough, but not quite? I understood his reaction. So I bowed politely.

"Hello. I'm looking for Mrs Sora. Mrs Yukiko Sora."

"May I know the nature of your visit...?"

"She's my grandmother," I said, with a  small smile. "I'm Akiko Sora."

His eyes widened, and he shut the door. I heard the fumbling of keys and the lock clicking, and the door swung open.

"Right this way." He smiled. We followed him, Jay looking more hesitant.

"Who's this guy?"

"Grandma's new disciple, I believe. Some of the neighbours have been talking about her taking a new disciple, so I figured. Want me to ask?" 

"Uhh, sure?" 

"Excuse me." I say to him. He turned around, with a gentle smile. For some reason he looked incredibly happy.

"Yes?" He was walking backwards now. He wasn't even looking where-

"Look out!" We pulled him out of the way, before he bumped into the toolshed. He looked back and stopped walking, looking sheepish with a grin.

"Sorry about that. Uh, what were you going to ask?"

"How do you know Grandma?"

"Oh, I'm kind of her assistant. I asked her to teach me about Yuzen and, well, making Kimono."

"Ah I see..." I turned back to Jay with a shrug, switching back to English quickly. "There you go. I told you." 

She blinked, confused. But she understood in a few moments. He brought us to the sewing where Grandma, looking older than I remember, was seated with her back to us, humming as she worked. He placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Ma'am, someone has come to see you." He kept smiling, as she stopped her work, turning around slowly, without any sense of what was happening. I smiled at her as she took in the sight of a granddaughter she hadn't seen in five years, eyes widening.

"Obaasan. It's been a while." I said, bowing politely, as formally as I could. I could feel relief washing over me as I watched a smile spread over her wrinkled, face.

"Akiko, welcome. It's been far too long... How have you been? How are you doing? Are you hungry? Come, let's go make some food- Tanaka, I think we can close up shop a bit earlier today, you can go home. Come, let's make you and your friend some food." She was laughing, her hand pulling on my arm and we walked to the dining area at a surprising pace. And me, I'm laughing too. This has gone better than planned. Jay followed us, still mildly confused but caught up in the excitement of things. "Of course, you'd help me, right? Have your friend sit down, let her rest. She is our guest, isn't she?"

"Ah, yes." I nodded as I moved the table over to the center, and arranged some cushions. "Jay, you can sit down. I'd go help out."

"No I'd help out!"

"Grandma would say no, so no. Just sit down, behave yourself and don't miss me." I grinned as she settled down, grumbling slightly. Grandma led me to the kitchen, and got out the rice and ingredients for onigiri, the single fastest thing you can prepare. She rolled up her sleeves with a look of firm determination. For her age, I'm amazed at how much spunk and life there was in Grandma whenever I visited her. She smiled at me.

"Come on, let's get started. You remember how to make onigiri, don't you?"

"Well, I might have forgotten..."

"That won't do. Come, let me teach you properly..." She went about her way, like a whirlwind, like a festival. She was determined to teach me the proper way of making onigiri, so determined that she was almost terrifying. And for whatever reason, I was having fun. It felt like the years we spent apart never happened, Grandma and I still got along just fine. And she was smiling. She was happy. Was she happy that I had come back after all this time, or did she see my return as Mom's? To her, seeing me must have been like seeing all the people she had missed in life returning. I felt bad.

"So how have you been, Obaasan?" I asked her, as we shaped and stuffed the substantial amount of rice we prepared. She smiled, with a small sigh.

"I've been doing well, thank you for your concern. Just taking things one day at a time, slowly. The store's been doing quite well, and Tanaka has been a big help. I'm not getting any younger, after all, it's about time I thought about retirement." She chuckled. I shrugged, returning to the onigiri. She watched me for a bit before she returned the question. "How about you, Akiko? Five years is a long time, are you doing well with your current family?"

"They've been nice to me." I smiled, thinking of Joakim. "Though, I think I'd always see them as just Joakim and Jennifer, not as my Dad and Mom. That's something I don't think I'd ever be able to change."

"I see... Well, as long as they're treating you well, and as long as you're treating each other as family. No matter what, family is still family. Even if you're not related by blood." She laughed. I couldn't discern a reason behind her laughter, but Grandma often laughed at everything, and I always laughed along with her. "I hope you're making lots of friends, having fun in school, and taking every day as it comes. It's important for you to be happy, Akiko."

"I am happy, Grandma." I smiled, looking up from the rice ball I was shaping. "I'm very grateful for the people who care about me, for my friends."

"I see you brought one of them along, too."

"Ah, she..." I hesitated slightly. "Well, actually, she's my girlfriend." 

There was an audible pause. A silence so piercing it was painful. But Grandma didn't seem to notice.

"Oh I see, I apologise for mistaking her for a friend." She chuckled. "Do you love her?"

"Yes." I answered without hesitating. There wasn't a need to hesitate. "Jay a very important person to me."

"Does she treat you well?"

"Of course."

"Then that's good." She said, her smile never faltered and never broke. Only grew wider. I almost heaved a sigh of relief at her acceptance. I almost thought she was going to reject it completely. I almost speak again, but I don't. The silence was fine. It was comfortable. Grandma spoke again after a while.

"When I look at you like this, you almost look like your mother." She said, her voice full of sorrow, longing and bitterness, but there's also pride there. "Just as beautiful."

I laughed. "I guess so, maybe. I still miss her a lot, I wish I asked her to teach me how to make dango before it happened."

"Oh, I could teach you if you want! I taught her to make dango, you know."

"Ah, well, that'd be great, but I'd only be here for two weeks..."

"That's plenty of time."

"Grandma," I stopped her, my tone serious. "I wanted to ask you to teach me how to make and dye kimono, once I managed to come back. I've been thinking of helping you out with the store, after I graduate from college."

She went quiet. I hoped I hadn't shocked her too much, but from the way she looked I doubt it was an unhappy silence. In fact, she looked far too happy.

"Akiko, that would be wonderful." She smiled, and then laughed. She looked so happy that I could hardly sense any form of resistance to her words, like she had hoped all along that I would tell her this. Grandma placed the last onigiri on the tray and passed it to me. "We'd start whenever you're ready. Tanaka can help you too. It'd be wonderful."

"I'm sure it will be, Grandma." I mumble under my breath in Swedish, laughing with her. We placed all the onigiri on the table. Jay was waiting patiently, and grinned with I got back.

"It looks so good."

"Oh, I know it will be."

"Now, let's put our hands together - Itadakimasu."  We said our meal greeting together, Jay being later to start because she was unused to this. I started eating a sour plum one.

"Springtime really is the season for sour plum onigiris, huh..." I mumble to myself. 

"Would you two want to go cherry blossom viewing tomorrow? I can prepare two sets of kimono for you to wear." Grandma smiled. I quickly translate.

"Ooh, yes. That sounds like a lot of fun. Tanoshi sou, ikitai to omoimasu." Jay's garbled, slightly off and basic Japanese rolled out strangely. I wanted to laugh and yet I wanted to cheer her on. Grandma seemed to appreciate her effort, and chuckled with such a cheery expression.

"Alright, I'd prepare two sets of kimono for you two then. Ah, it's quite late, but do you want to see the store?" She asked. I answered without thinking.

"Yes please. I also kinda want to see the workshop, I haven't seen it in years." I grinned. And Grandma chuckled. She always did.

"Of course, of course. We can do that after we eat. For now, eat up. We'd go see the workshop after this."