Elle

The week after our trip, I schedule an appointment with Nathan. I've still been going to see him on and off, but haven't actually been since Noah and I got back together. We talk about that, of course, and how things have been going really well. Then I tell him about my freak out, and how Noah responded.

"Sounds to me like he had a pretty clear understanding of what was happening, Elle, and the reasons behind it." Nathan looks at me kindly.

"But that's just it. He understood fine. I'm just worried that I don't understand what triggered it in the first place. I don't want to go around having panic attacks every time I'm happy."

"Elle, I don't think you truly had a panic attack. I think you experienced some anxiety, yes, definitely. But you just touched on the trigger in a way there. You were happy. Not just happy, you said earlier that everything was perfect."

"Yeah, well, I thought it was."

"Elle, life isn't perfect. There are definitely perfect moments, sure. And right now, where you and Noah are, in this first flush of love, even if it is a rekindled love, there's going to be a lot of those moments. And you should definitely enjoy them."

"Okay..."

"But you should also know that there will be a lot of imperfect moments. Times when one or both of you get it wrong. When you don't react the way the other person wants. When you're distracted, tired, whatever. It's in those moments where you're going to have to trust, to take a leap of faith."

"What do you mean?"

"Tell me this. Do you believe, really truly believe, that Noah loves you?"

"Yes," I blush.

"And do you truly love him?"

"Yes, of course."

Nathan smiles at me. "Well then. You have to trust that your love for each other is there, even in the imperfect moments. Underlying everything. That it is the same regardless of whether you are strolling down the beach hand in hand or whether he's running late for something important or you've started an argument about something inconsequential. The love remains the same. It's still there. The only thing that changes is you. And how much you trust in it. How you react."

I'm sitting looking at Nathan, blinking. Unable to speak as I try to process what he just said.

"Elle, you know that you have a fear of abandonment. We've talked a lot about that before. You know where it stems from. But the fact is, you need to learn to regulate your responses to both good and bad things in your life. There will be high highs and low lows in your life. And in your relationship. But neither of those extremes means that the relationship will end, or that something terrible is just around the corner. Enjoy the highs. Weather the lows. And know that the middle is good too. The middle ground is where life happens Elle, real life."

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Lee and Rachel's engagement party is so cute, I want to scream. All the Flynns are there of course, and my family as well. Rachel's family are hosting and I get to meet her brother finally. Dan is a couple of years older than us, about Lee's height with dark hair and hazel eyes. He's a music teacher and lives in Chicago. It's nice seeing how close he and Rachel are, and how well he gets along with Lee. I feel very happy for my bestie right now.

Most of Rachel's dad's side of the family live on the east coast and so haven't come out for the party, although they send their best wishes and promise to make the trip for the wedding. There are a bunch of family friends from both sides and it's also fun to watch Lee being accosted by Rachel's grandparents, who are seemingly very keen to become great grandparents. Lee apparently doesn't share their opinions and is giving me "save me" eyes. I roll my eyes at him but go over anyway, making an excuse that he's needed elsewhere.

"Sheesh, you took your time, Shelly," he complains when we're safely outside on the patio.

I chuckle and hand him a drink. "Here, you look like you need this."

We cheers and I giggle. "What?" he askes suspiciously.

"Well, you know all that baby talk is only going to get worse after the wedding, right?"

He sighs exaggeratedly. "Don't remind me! I mean sure, Rachel and I want kids one day, but I'd kind of like to practice a bit more first...."

I screw up my face. "Eww, don't tell me that. There are limits to our friendship, and talking about your sex life is one of them."

He chuckles, then looks at me seriously. "Actually yeah, good point. 'Cause I really don't want to know about yours either."

We look at each other for a moment then both burst out laughing. That's how Noah finds us, basically holding each other up, almost in tears.

He frowns, "What are you two laughing about now?"

Lee and I look at Noah and then back at each other and erupt into laughter again. Noah raises his eyebrows and I gasp, "Nothing, nothing at all." He shakes his head and walks away from us, a slight scowl on his face.

"Oh Jesus, I need another drink now," Lee says, out of breath, once we finally get a hold of ourselves.

"Yeah and I better go find your brother before he develops a complex."

"Too late," Lee snorts and I grin at him.

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Noah

Christmas morning arrives with the sound of carols being blasted from the stereo in my living room. Elle stayed over last night and I'd forgotten just how much she enjoys this particular holiday. There's no ignoring that fact now though as the bedroom door swings open and I see Elle standing there, in red PJ's with a Santa hat on, looking distinctly like an elf.

"Merry Christmas! Get up!" She yells at me from the doorway.

I smirk to myself. Time to have fun with this.

I throw a pillow in her general direction and drag another one over my face. "It's too early, go away."

"No way, you are not going back to sleep, get up!" Her voice is closer now.

"Make me."

I feel her hands grab my outstretched arm and know I predicted correctly. Shelly has decided to drag me out of bed. Which means she's now in striking distance. I launch myself up and grab her, rolling us both backwards onto the bed so that she ends up underneath me.

"Now this is more like it," I say as I rub my nose on hers. She giggles and we don't actually get out of bed for quite some time.

Christmas at Mom and Dad's is a bigger event than usual this year, with Rachel's parents and brother also joining us. But it's nice, seeing everyone here altogether. Mom is in her element of course, and I'm pretty sure her face must be sore from smiling so much. I tell her so when she comes to sit next to me on the sofa, after Elle gets up to exchange gifts with Lee. She turns to look at me seriously.

"Noah, I hope you get to learn this for yourself someday. It's pretty impossible as a parent to be anything but ecstatic when your children are all truly happy."

I lean over and kiss her on the forehead before we both turn back to look where Elle and Lee have just burst into hysterics. Again.

"Oh god, they bought each other the same ugly Christmas sweater. Of course they did," I laugh ruefully, as they both put them on.

"Some things never change," Mom laughs and gets up to take a photo of the wonder twins.

Rachel catches my eye and we both smile and shake our heads.

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Elle and I plan to spend New Year's Eve alone and I've decided it's time to reclaim a spot that held some good memories for us, before it was the scene for an awful one. The Hollywood sign was the place where I used to come to be alone, to think. Then it was the first place Elle and I were really together. I don't want it to always be the place where we broke up. I don't want it to be something Elle avoids looking at whenever we drive somewhere. It's time to face it and move on.

She knows where we're heading of course. This road only really goes one place.

"Noah, I don't know about this," she says uneasily.

"Elle, it's fine. We're fine. Trust me."

"Alright. Okay." Her arms are crossed but she's stopped protesting.

I park and we get out of the car. I tuck the blanket under my arm and then grab the picnic basket with that hand, so that my other one is free to hold Elle's as we walk down the trail. It's dark and she uses her phone to light the way.

I spread the blanket out and we sit down, staring out at the lights.

"It's still a great view," Elle sighs.

"Yeah it is," I say, looking at her.

She catches on and shakes her head at me.

"Still with the smooth lines, Noah?"

I shrug and smirk at her. "It worked before, didn't it?"

She punches me playfully, "Shut up."

I grab her hand and pull her close to me.

"Elle, I know a lot has changed, not just in the last few months that we've been together, but in the last six years too. But the fact is, I'm still crazy about you. I still kind of feel like that 18 year old kid who was sitting here wondering how it was possible you could like me back."

Elle grins at me. "Well I did. And I do. I more than like you, Noah Flynn, I love you."

"And I love you. But it's never stopped being important to me, Elle. That you knew me, the real me, and liked me for that, not just the Flynn thing."

"Well I did have the advantage of actually getting to see the real you, as opposed to every other girl who just got to see the pretty wrapping." Elle's tone is teasing now.

"Pretty wrapping, huh?"

Elle's grinning at me. "Yup. You know, like a present. You can admire the wrapping, but at the end of the day, it's what's underneath that matters. But I'm glad everyone else didn't get to see the real you. I probably wouldn't have stood a chance."

"Elle, I didn't need anyone else to see me. I only needed you. I still only need you."

"That wasn't a line, was it?" Elle's hand is on the side of my face and she's looking up at me intently.

"No, it wasn't."

A smile breaks over her face. "Well I'm glad. But it would have made a good one."

She kisses me then and we celebrate the new year in our own way.