DIX NEUF

nothing's as it seems!

                      ( tw: mentions of anxiety, ptsd & traumatic events )                   

LILY EDWARDS STAYED awake the first night back. She couldn't stop her thoughts from invading her mind. And perhaps, that was the most dangerous thing: her thoughts. 

Overthinking was a habit that she'd had for a while and she knew she shouldn't do it, but when it was 3 am and there weren't classes the next day, what else could she do? 

So what was she thinking about? Well, it started off about bunnies ( because why not ) and it ended with one of the worst things. 

The what ifs. 

What if  she was just the girl in James's head.

What if  once he'd gotten to know her, he liked being friends with her, but no longer liked her like that.

What if  she had created an image for herself that she just couldn't live up to.

What if  he found moved on.

What if  he found someone else. Someone better. Someone that wasn't her. 

What if  she was too late. 

Those little what if's can tear down everything. It can make a young girl go insane because for once in her life, she was really really happy and then she just had to go and overthink everything, like she usually did. Because if you're really happy, then there's infinite room for things to go wrong, but if there's something that's already not right, then fuck my life. 

Then nothing goes your way instead of everything going your way. And most times, if the former is what you are hardwired to know, then the latter can be the scariest thing in the universe. 

She couldn't stop shaking in her bed and was on the brink of tears. Why couldn't she just accept the fact that she was happy? What was wrong with her? She'd already worked through this. 

She thought back to primary school when her parents took her to see Dr. Grantz for the first time after a particularly rough move. 

"Hi Lily! I'm Leila, it's nice to meet you!" the woman said with an overly warm voice. 

"It's nice to meet you," Lily replied with a guarded smile. 

"Your dad has told me all about you," she said as she motioned for them to sit down. "Do you remember those tests that you took a couple weeks ago?"

8 year old Lily nodded slightly. 

"Well, I've already talked with your parents and you are special, dear," Leila said as she looked at the girl intently. 

Lily did not speak. 

"Do you know what anxiety means?" Leila asked.

Lily shook her head.

"Well, it means that sometimes when you get nervous about something like your maths homework, you get more nervous than other kids," Leila said gently.

"Why?" Lily asked quietly. 

"Well, in your case, it's because of something called PTSD," Leila said carefully.

"What's PT- PT-," Lily struggled.

"PTSD? It stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Do you remember what happened at your old house?" Leila asked gently as she carefully approached Lily.

Lily just nodded timidly.

"May I sit next to you?" Leila asked gently, "you can say no."

Lily nodded slowly and scooted to the side so Leila could sit down. 

"Well, sometimes when someone experiences something like that, it changes the way they think, but that is not something to be afraid of," Leila continued gently. 

Lily nodded. 

"I've talked with your dad and I'm going to talk with you about it and we're going to help you, is that ok?" Leila asked.

Lily nodded. 

"Good, I'm going to see you every Thursday after school, ok?" Leila asked.

"But, I have painting class," Lily said quietly. 

"I've talked with your dad and your teacher has agreed to move it to Wednesdays," Leila said. "Would you like a biscuit?" 

Leila motioned to a plate of iced biscuits on the table next to her desk and Lily nodded.

"Would you like to get it or do you want me to?" Leila asked.

"I can," Lily whispered. She pushed herself off the couch and walked slowly towards the plate. She picked up a biscuit and took a bite. She couldn't help but smile a little, it reminded her of the ones her dad makes. They were the only thing he could make as her papa normally did the cooking. 

Lily opened her eyes again as a couple of tears slipped out. She didn't see it anymore, she'd been trained to picture her first day of therapy instead, but that didn't mean she didn't feel it. It didn't mean she didn't feel the heat from the fire in the kitchen and the blood gushing from her hands from the shards of window pane. It didn't mean she couldn't faintly hear her dad's yelling in the background. 

She had worked on it for years. She considered Leila to be one of the people she trusted most and credited her to most of the progress that she'd made. 

She could watch fireworks now and not have flashbacks, she could be in loud crowds without having panic attacks, she could open up to her friends about her past and not distance herself immediately in fear that they may leave because she's different. 

But she learned that she may be different, but so was everyone else. Everyone had their demons, she was sure to learn that and it helped her to know that she wasn't alone in feeling completely empty sometimes. 

But the one thing that she had always resisted, the one thing she ( regrettably ) faked was the accepting of the fact that life can be truly wonderful for yourself and that's something good. 

When she awoke the next morning, the only thought that crossed her mind was: avoid him. 

She couldn't drag him into her mess. Not if he liked her only as a friend and especially if there was still the chance that there was more. He deserved better. He was good. She knew that she shouldn't do it. She knew that she should give him a chance, but her autopilot took over. 

( "because she would've made a such lovely bride, what a shame she's fucked in the head," they said but you'll find the real thing instead ) 

Lily got up quickly and got herself dressed. She tore through the dorm, not even stopping for tea. She was way too early, but she needed to get out. She needed to leave. 

As she walked through the castle, she quickly found herself breaking into a run until she found herself in the seventh floor corridor. Shaking, she paced back and forth, urging the room of lost things to take her somewhere. To allow her to escape. 

A very plain wooden door appeared before her. She hesitantly took the handle and pulled it open to reveal an art studio. It had been a great long while since she'd last painted and it was showing. 

She walked in carefully, listening to every step. She spotted a record player near the door and a table next to it piled high with her favorite music, ranging from Chopin to Taylor Swift to Etta James. She smiled faintly and picked up an Ella Fitzgerald album and carefully slid off the sleeve.

She placed the record on the turntable and carefully uncapped the needle and placed it down. "Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall" started to play. She hummed a bit and swayed with the music as she made her way over to the easel.  

Next to it were all of the good colors. The colors that she liked. The colors that she thought looked good together. 

She took a deep breath and tried to steady her hands. She picked up the paintbrush and picked up the mix of pastels and neutral colors that adorned her palette. She looked at the paint and back at her canvas and drew a blank. 

She loved to paint flowers. Peonies in particular, but the thought of it made her nauseous. She closed her eyes and steadied her mind. She remembered back. Back to beautiful brown eyes and the limitless, hopeful expanse of the night sky. 

When she looked back down, she noticed the colors had changed. She had kept the light yellows and the whites, but pink and brown were replaced by deep blues and forest greens. She looked to the side and saw a big brush. She picked it up and dipped it into the dark blue paint. 

Carefully, she brushed the blue over the canvas, creating a base color.

"Paint what you feel Lily," Leila coaxed as she sat behind the easel to give the 9 year old Lily privacy. "It doesn't have to look like you're mad or sad or anxious. It could look like a flower or a glass of water." 

Lily acted on her gut, her hand guiding itself through swift strokes. Soon, the canvas wasn't just the blue, but there was an explosion of yellow and white with touches of brick red, forest green and orange. She felt her body slowly relax itself, each muscle letting out a breath of air. 

She didn't hear the door to the Room of Requirement opening. She didn't hear Henry, James, Nyah and Professor McGonagall entering. She didn't hear Nyah and Henry ushering them out. 

All she could see was the supernova — the star that had exploded over her canvas. It struck the navy blue and looked slightly like a phoenix rising. A ball of white with the wings rising in blots of yellow, orange and red. Accents toning the wings in green and an even darker blue. 

The thoughts still lingered in her head when she'd finished, but they weren't screaming at full volume. 

She looked over at the clock on the wall and almost threw up. She'd been there for 2 hours. She'd missed Defense Against the Dark Arts. 

She quickly packed up her things and rushed out of the door, almost running into students who were heading to the courtyard for their break. She kept looking around until she finally found someone she knew.

"Henry!" she yelled as she approached the boy ( who was leaning against the wall ). 

He looked up and greeted her with a hesitant smile.

"What happened this morning?" he asked.

"I- I- I lost track of time, that's all," she said. "Shit. I missed Defense."

"It's alright, McGonagall had a chat with Clearwater and you're all good. I have the notes if you need them," Henry replied as they started to walk. "Let's go to the Great Hall, you must be starving."

"I- what?" Lily asked.

"Potter said that you sprinted out of your dorms this morning and I was in the Great Hall early because Will needed help with some work and you never came in. I'm surprised you didn't ask the room for anything," Henry revealed as they walked towards the hall.

"What?" Lily asked.

"Potter has the Marauder's Map. He tracked you when you ran out. Thank Merlin he did," Henry said with a smile.

Lily stayed silent and looked down at her walking feet. Her knuckles became white in their grip on her bag. 

Henry pried one of her hands off of the strap and intertwined her fingers with his. He then brought her hand up to his mouth and gently kissed it.

"You can't get rid of me that easily," he joked softly. 

Lily looked up and smiled softly. 

Then, Nyah came running up to the pair of them.

"There you are! Are you alright Lils?" she asked as she enveloped the girl into a huge hug.

When they pulled away, Lily shifted her bag on her shoulder.

"I'm ok," she finally said.

"Good. Next time, tell one of us. We were worried sick. I didn't- I didn't- I didn't know what was going to happen to you," Nyah said as she started to tear up. 

Lily launched forward and pulled her into a tight hug. Then, a few tears rolled down her face. She was allowing herself to be vulnerable in public. She'd never done that before. She'd always viewed crying as a sign of weakness. 

She then pulled Henry into the hug and their shaking bodies were the only things that they could feel. When they pulled away again, for the last time, they burst out laughing. 

"Never do that again. Tell one of us. We've talked about this," Nyah instructed. 

"Yes, mum," Lily teased. 

Nyah beamed as she sniffed. She wiped her sweater sleeve on the drying tears that make her face feel tight. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily spotted James. He hadn't seen her yet. 

"Do you want to go to the hall?" Lily asked quickly.

"Uh yeah sure — " Henry barely managed to get out before Lily was dragging them both away. 

Once in the hall, Lily started to eat, but keeping an eye out for one James Sirius Potter. The rest of the day was a struggle to avoid him as she shared nearly every class with him, but whenever he'd try to approach her, she'd get the attention of one of her friends and slip past. 

She couldn't face him. Because her thoughts were real and they were valid. Because she had been the girl in his head. Because even if he knew her favorite color and which class she had next and what her favorite animal was, he hadn't known her. 

James Sirius Potter was panicked. Why was she avoiding him? Had he seen something that he shouldn't have? He'd tried to ask Henry Stints about it, but he remained tight lipped. 

He was starting to regret the entire holiday vacation. She was the first girl he'd ever brought home. She was the first girl that he'd brought his grandmother had made a sweater for. She was the first girl to stay. 

But now she was running. It was as if she couldn't stand to see him anymore and it stung. It hurt worse than before because before he'd known that she didn't like him. But they'd watched the stars, they'd gone holiday shopping, they'd almost kissed twice. 

His mind was racing with what he could have possibly done wrong. On the train ride there, she was fine, she was more than fine. She was sitting with him and his friends. She was joking around. She was talking about setting up a prank with Fred. 

Then, that morning, the door to their dorm had slammed closed and he was alone. He hadn't thought much of it before, maybe it was the wind. But when there weren't tea cups in the sink ( like there always were ), he got worried. He promised he was up to no good, when he was in fact up to the opposite and saw her disappear in the 7th floor corridor. 

He'd meant to go there immediately to see if she was ok, but he was swept up by the wind and the arms of his friends. He fought, but the sea of students was unrelenting. He couldn't go against the current and so he had to go to Defense. 

When he entered, he saw her friends and no Lily. He saw the worried glances that Nyah Thomas and Henry Stints were exchanging. He saw how Nyah kept fidgeting. During their practical time, he inched over to them. 

He knew where she was. They could only guess as to what she was doing. They knew something he didn't. Of course they did, he wouldn't expect anything different. They knew her. 

He saw the look they shared when he told them and he saw how fast they got up. He ran after them as they reached McGonagall's office. He felt the force of the door slam in his face. His leg bounced as he sat on the bench outside. 

He heard the staircase shift and he jumped up. He followed Nyah, Henry, McGonagall and the wind, taking them to where he'd said. He'd paced back and forth, begging for her. 

He heard how hard Nyah and Henry were breathing even though they hadn't gone far nor fast. He saw the plain door that he wouldn't have thought of before, but now it looked so much like Lily. Something so unassuming, but holding in something so magical and powerful. 

He heard Ella Fitzgerald. He knew how much she loved Ella. He suddenly knew that she was going to be alright. The smell of her lavender hit his senses when he entered. She didn't see them, or if she did, she hadn't acknowledged him. 

He felt Nyah pushing on his arm with a settled look on her face. She had nervousness underneath, but part of it was replaced. 

"You should go, we've got it from here," Nyah instructed. 

"But — " James protested.

"Look, Potter, there are just some things about her that you don't know," Henry explained. "And I'm sure she'll tell you, but we can't."

"Stints — " James tried again.

"No, James," Henry said firmly. 

James nodded and gulped and backed up. He saw McGonagall and Nyah walk away together, talking. He saw Henry slide down the wall and let out a breath. He reluctantly turned away and headed back to class. He knew that her friends had her best interests at heart, and Henry was right, there were loads of things he didn't know. 

The rest of the week she avoided him like the plague. He had given up on trying to get her to talk to him when Ben Thomas had caught him in the hallway, firmly telling him to stop. He said that she'd be ready to talk to him soon, but not now. 

He knew what that felt like, so he tried to help her the only way he knew how. He straightened her shoes and cleaned her mugs in the sink. He organized her books when she'd fallen asleep over her homework. He made sure that her favorite sweater got washed with the particular laundry detergent that she liked.

He made sure she came down for breakfast and if he didn't see her, would tell one of her friends. He would go down to breakfast before her and make sure the jam that she liked was always near where she was sitting. 

And most importantly, he allowed her to distance herself even though he had no idea why and it absolutely tore him to shreds. He allowed her to shut away the holidays in a lock and key, going to a weird version of the old way. Except he didn't try now. Except she didn't hate him, not that he would know that. 

Lily was trying to grasp onto something. Everything had been going too fast. She'd fallen in love with someone in a matter of months. Or perhaps, she'd been falling in love with him the whole time, but it only took a slap in the face to realize it ( because he's James Sirius Potter and it was inevitable ). 

But in her head, everything was moving much too fast. She couldn't control anything. Because that's the thing about falling in love is that you have to fall. You have to surrender control. You have to surrender certainty. You have to surrender yourself to the possibility that they may not catch you and you'll be lying there in a pool of your own blood and tears for a long while. 

Because Lily loved James. Because she was devoted to James. Because she'd do anything  for James. And so she did nothing. And so she avoided him. 

The thoughts of the what ifs became a low chant in her head as time continued. As another week passed, they became a quidditch chant in her head. The chorus was going. The voices were rising again. 

Because James was so much more than just a boy. Because if she was being honest, Lily had never felt this way before. She'd had boyfriends and girlfriends and she thought she knew what being in love was like. But James just had to come in here with his ridiculously cute curly hair and lopsided grin and annoying  love of more than 4 spoons of sugar in his tea and flip everything on its head and back again. 

So, Lily couldn't see James. Lily wanted to see James. But she couldn't. The chant took over. 

She was losing.