CHAPTER FIVE
shake your groove thing.
season one, episodes five and six.

☆ content warning ☆
mentions of fatphobia &
minor sexual themes: not
explicit by any means, but
they're definitely there lol

CASSIE COULD PRACTICALLY FEEL IT.

The steady thump, thump, thump in her hands, gloved fingers delicately grazing the exposed arteries and getting covered the thick, dark crimson; she could feel it, and yet, she was stuck so far away.

Sitting in the gallery was torture.

It wasn't that she isn't qualified for the surgery, but rather that it was Meredith who Dr. Burke picked to be an assist; she was everyone's first pick, because she was a Grey. Cassie, who'd always been picked first in everything from elementary kickball to lab partners in med school, had a hard time accepting that she wasn't.

George and Cristina sat on either side of her, the looks on their faces indicating they felt the exact same.

"I wish I could hold a heart," George sighed.

"A monkey could hold a heart," Cristina and
Cassie said in unison, causing them to give each other a strange look as Izzie came into the gallery.

The blonde seemed perkier than she had been after the whole Dr. Model debacle a few days before, which was bittersweet, because a sad Izzie also meant a stress-baking Izzie. Her roommates had grown rather accustomed to fresh baked treats every night, but still, her happiness was more important.

(Sort of. Cassie really missed the muffins.)

Izzie took a seat next to George, and her gaze instantly glued to the surgery below them.

"We need more ice and chips for the party."

Scrunching her nose, Cassie distinctly recalled the grocery bill for $45 that someone still hadn't paid her back for. It'll just be a little get together at Mer's house, was the lie she'd been told, just a few people, I swear.

"More? How many people are coming?"

"Just... some people from the hospital."

George narrowed his eyes. "How many people?"

Izzie pursed her lips, and said nothing.

After a few moments of deliberation, Cassie shrugged to herself. A big party was better than no party, and after the stressful start to their intern year, they all needed to take a breather. That, and there would certainly be an opportunity for her to finally sleep with someone.

It didn't matter who, really, so long as they respected her. Well, that wasn't necessarily a dealbreaker, but it would be nice.

(In her defense, she'd been celibate for months.)

"We said the list was jocks only. Surgery, trauma, and plastics," Cristina reminded her. "Who else did you invite?"

Izzie bit the inside of her cheek. "Just... some people from peds, okay?"

Cristina threw her back, rather violently, groaning as if Izzie had just told them she was inviting a church choir to sing hymns and preach abstinence. Amusedly, Cassie shook her head, now only half-paying attention to the heart surgery she was supposed to be studying.

"You invited the preschoolers to Meredith's house?"

"Hey, don't hate on peds," Cassie frowned at her. "Kids are awesome."

(She already knew that hers would be brilliant.)

Cristina ignored her, still glaring at Izzie. "Next, you'll say that you invited the shrinks."

"Uh, well-"

"She invited mental defects. This party is DOA."

A sharp slap on her arm got Cristina to shut up and focus on Burke and Meredith again. With a shake of her head, Cassie attempted to do the same; the conversation continued beside her, and she listened, only to mentally prepare for whatever the night may bring.

"You know, Meredith thinks this is going to be a small, meet-your-boyfriend cocktail thing," George said to Izzie, lowly, but not quiet enough to obscure the word boyfriend. "Did you clear this with her?"

"No... but I will, I promise."

A few moments passed, all four interns watching the surgery with rapt fascination.

Meredith, by all visual accounts, was about to pee her pants, but none of them could really blame her. To be trusted with a heart, with a life, was something that carried so much weight, one single misstep could end an entire bloodline.

Cassie longed for the responsibility, but in the back of her mind, she feared it all the same.

The gallery went silent while Burke meticulously made the final move that would determine whether or not the surgery was a success-

"Why are you wasting the only weekend your boyfriend is in town on a big party?" Cristina broke through the quietness in the most Cristina-like way possible, "Is he bad in bed?"

Pretending not to be curious about the exact same thing, Cassie rolled her eyes at the break in her focus.

"No," Izzie scoffed. "I just want him to meet some of my friends. What's wrong with that?"

"Sixty nerds in scrubs are your friends?" Cassie raised an eyebrow. "Izzie, you have, like, five friends. And three of them live with you."

Izzie scoffed, "I-"

The gallery surrounding them erupted in applause when the surgery was complete, but none of the interns paid it any mind, far too busy teasing their friend about her love life.

"Bad sex," Cristina repeated, "Sucks for you."

"At least she's having sex," Cassie mumbled to herself. "I think I've re-virginized."

"Pick up a one night stand," Izzie suggested, trying to have at least one person on her side for the rager she was inevitably about to throw. "You're hot, single, and emotionally unavailable. It's perfect."

Cassie inclined her head. Interesting idea.

George rolled his eyes. "I doubt anyone there tonight is going to want a one night stand-"

But as if it were a sign from God-

"I heard there's a party tonight."

Alex leaned against the doorway, peering between them with his arms crossed over his chest and a casual, outwardly confident smirk on his lips. He was chewing gum, his jaw clenching every few seconds through his smile.

Cassie hummed.

"On the second thought..."

It wasn't as if sleeping with a douchbag would suddenly make her complicit in all his douchbaggery, right? Surely, one night with a sleazy, gross, desperate, sort-of-friendly-acquaintance wouldn't do much damage.

As if her friends could read her mind-or they heard her mumble-they didn't hesitate to step in.

"A party?" Cristina played dumb.

"No party," George shook his head.

"Uh, news to me," Izzie shrugged.

Cassie looked him up and down for a moment, before smirking to herself and leaning back in her seat. "Yeah," she nodded, much to the chagrin of the others. "There's a party."

Alex sent her a wink.

━━━━━⭒━━━━━

Cassie was bored.

It turns out, there was something the attendings and med school professors refused to tell new surgeons about intern year; as fast-paced and terrifying as it could be at times, it could be just as slow and dull at others.

Alex was assigned to the ER, George was on general with the Chief, Meredith was on cardio with Burke, and Cristina and Izzie were... doing something interesting, most likely. Surely more interesting than spinning around mindlessly in a nurse's desk chair.

Being on Derek's service was great, as long as he had a cool surgery she could scrub in on. Being in charge of post-ops for a week, on the other hand, wasn't as great as she would've hoped. As sick as it was, Cassie actually found herself hoping that one of her patients would have a complication, so she actually do something.

(It wasn't that Cassie was ungrateful, or anything, but surely there was a better use for her time aside from counting the ceiling tiles?)

Her attention was taken by Burke, who was-

Smiling?

He held two coffees, one in each hand, and had a weird, half-smug grin on his face; Cassie pretended to make herself busy with a notepad so he wouldn't notice her staring. It wasn't every day she saw a grown man looking like he'd gotten his hand stuck in the cookie jar, and she needed to know why.

As much as Cassie hated to admit it, she loved drama; she never engaged in it, but found it quite entertaining to observe.

(Well, she usually didn't engage in it.)

Cassie failed to notice that Cristina was standing at the end of the nurses station until Burke approached her, his grin widening a fraction of an inch.

He set the coffee beside her, and didn't move.

Cassie's brows shot up to her hairline.

"It's just coffee."

Burke's words were quiet, like he was terrified they'd get caught, or something; like he spoke for no one but Cristina, who seemed a bit too comfortable with her attending practically whispering in her ear.

"Good," Cassie heard her reply, just barely.

"Okay."

"Okay."

Burke nodded, and walked away.

He passed by her, and Cassie ducked her head-a bit too dramatically-and pretended that she didn't see him just eyefuck her friend. Her intern friend who, still unaware of the eyes watching her, hesitated for a moment before picking up the coffee and taking a sip.

Oh.

Oh, they're totally-

As she walked away, Burke came back around the corner and smiled to himself in victory.

Cassie sat frozen, staring blankly at the place Cristina was previously standing. With an amused scoff, she muttered under her breath, her eyes wide with disbelief when she asked aloud the obvious question-

"Am I the only intern that's not screwing an attending?"

━━━━━⭒━━━━━

As much as she hated to admit it, the only person Cassie could comfortably ask a sex question to, also lived on the opposite side of the country.

It wasn't like Mark Sloan was the oracle of sexual intercourse, or anything, but there were certain things he could help with that others couldn't. For example, Meredith surely wouldn't know the best brand of lubricant to buy in case a guy wanted to experiment, and George wouldn't be comfortable telling her what color bra to wear, but Mark-

CASSIE [ 8:09 PM ]
should i buy the xl condoms?
or just the large? xl right?

MARK <3 [ 8:09 PM ]
Are you dating the Hulk?

Cassie huffed out a laugh, and the man standing next to her in the condom aisle spared her an unwelcome glance.

CASSIE [ 8:10 PM ]
we're not dating. and he's only
like 5'11

MARK <3 [ 8:10 PM ]
Bad taste. I'd go medium.

CASSIE [ 8:11 PM ]
sure thing, homewrecker. i'm
getting large.

MARK <3 [ 8:11 PM ]
Optimistic.

Sliding her cellphone back into her pocket, Cassie grabbed a pack of the large condoms; if she happened to grab a medium as well-just in case-that wasn't any of Mark's business. He was still in friendship jail.

By the time she got home, the music from the party was carrying down the street, and her usual parking spot was taken by a crookedly parked pickup truck.

(Cassie blocked them in, and headed inside.)

Most of the people, she knew from around the hospital; Tyler the floor nurse, Sophie the scrub nurse, a neuro attending who she never learned the name of. But there were several who she didn't recognize, and absentmindedly, she prayed none of them went into her room to hookup on her bed.

Cassie's bed was reserved for the night.

But Alex was nowhere to be seen, and the rolls of unused condoms filled her pockets, and she'd be damned if she was bored at work and at a house party.

So, she decided not to be.

Passing by a stranger, Cassie stole the bottle of tequila he was drinking from his hands, already making her way down the hall before he could protest. She approached Cristina, laughing at how the surgical intern was drunk and dancing on a table alone.

"Cass!"

Cristina squealed-squealed-her name, and Cassie took a heavy swig from the bottle, because clearly, she needed to catch up.

Truth be told, she never really got into partying. She was getting her Bachelor's degree as a teenager, and by the time she got into med school, and subsequently entered adulthood, there wasn't any time to party. Briefly, she dabbled while getting her Doctorate, but nothing crazy.

So, she wasn't a lightweight, but-

With a large grin painted across her features, Cassie joined her on the table, stripping herself of her leather jacket on the way up.

-she didn't quite have a high tolerance.

A few more gulps of the liquid burning the back of her throat, and Cassie was about 90% sure she'd fail at walking in a straight line.

Cristina was more than willing to join her.

They stayed like that for a while, belting out of tune to the Britney Spears music that was blaring through the house, dancing provocatively, and cracking up at each other's horrible moves. Twenty minutes in, and Cassie was only wearing her black jeans and a bright red lace bra.

(So what if people stared? She looked good.)

At one point, they even jumped off the table so Cassie could give Cristina a lap dance. The drunken guests found that bit particularly amusing.

In their defense, they were both fully, unequivocally, without a doubt, honest to God drunk.

"Crist-ina."

Cassie hiccuped in the middle of the name.

Cristina didn't spare her a glance, only pushing closer while Gimme Gimme started playing through the speakers. It was only when Cassie found herself thinking wait, my friend is kind of hot, that she remembered the whole coffee situation from earlier that day.

An ass backed into her front, messily moving to the beat of the song; it was entirely friendly in nature, but earned whistles from some of their coworkers on the ground, and she almost forgot what she was saying, again.

But she didn't, and instead tapped Cristina on the shoulder, who eventually turned back to face her and sadly left Cassie's hips entirely ass-less.

"Huh?"

It was distracted, as she kept dancing, but Cassie couldn't stop herself from impulsively blurting out right before the beat drop-

"When did you start having sex with Burke?"

Cristina froze.

Cassie, her eyes half-lidded and her arms still doing some stupid dance that didn't match the rhythm, grinned.

"I-I am not-I-how did you-"

"He gave you coffee."

It made sense to her, but saying it out loud, she did sound a little bit delusional; but if Cristina's face was anything to go off of, her delusions were correct.

"You knew.... 'cause he got me a coffee?"

"No, I knew 'cause you took the coffee," Cassie explained, as if it made any sense whatsoever. "So, is this like a secret ooh la la workplace HR violation thingy, or are you two like, dating?"

(Okay, wow, she was really drunk.)

Cristina was entirely offput, and seemed to have sobered up way too much, and so Cassie subtly put the bottle of tequila in her hand, which she begrudgingly accepted and immediately chugged as if it were water.

"If I knew the answer to that question," was what she eventually said, "I wouldn't be drinking."

Cassie nodded in understanding.

"Want another lap dance?"

It was clear that Cristina was about to answer with a hell yes, her annoyance melting away as a cheesy smile took over her face once more, but before she could reply, something-or someone-else caught her eye.

"Baby! You made it!" she shouted at Meredith, who had just walked in the door.

Meredith stood still in the entryway, her keys still dangling in her hand, her mouth open like she stopped speaking in the middle of her sentence. Cassie was grateful that she could blame Izzie for whatever property damage they would inevitably find in the morning.

Making an elaborate show of a shrug that said hey, if it's too late to stop it, may as well join it, Cassie grinned at the blonde, who had yet to move an inch.

George walked in behind her.

Cassie couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled out of her chest at the look on his face.

"Oh my-"

Whatever he was about to shout was cut off by Meredith stealing a bottle from a strangers hand-mimicking Cassie almost exactly-and dragging George towards the table, where Cristina and Cassie had begun cheering at what was clearly an obnoxious volume.

Meredith got onto the table first, slotting herself neatly between her two friends; George just stood there, gaping up at them like they were insane.

(Maybe they were, a little bit, but aren't all surgeons a bit crazy, in one way or another?)

"Hey," Cassie demanded, "Up."

She reached out her hand, and George took it.

It was only a matter of time before he was belting Britney along with the rest of them.

━━━━━⭒━━━━━

Meredith had gone outside.

Naturally, Cassie followed her.

Well, followed was a loose term; Meredith was fully aware of the brown hair shoved in the crevice of her neck and shoulder, along with the weight of a woman who was an inch taller than her, and yet somehow so slumped against her side that she could fit her head beneath Meredith's chin.

Cassie knew this, because she'd put an arm around her to keep her steady as they descended the stairs on the front porch.

"You know, in some states, you could get arrested for that," she heard a familiar voice speak out into the otherwise quiet street; Derek's voice. "So, you blew me off for a bottle of tequila. Tequila's no good for you. Doesn't call, doesn't write. It's not nearly as much fun to wake up to."

It wasn't a shock to see him there, leaning against his truck like a smug motherfucker, but that may have been due to her level of inebriation; whenever she was drunk, he always seemed to show up at her location with his car keys and a bottle of gatorade.

Big brother shit, or whatever.

Despite the fact that it was pretty clear he wasn't there for her, she knew that a small part of him, the worried and overprotective part, was.

Cassie laughed obnoxiously loudly, stumbling over to Derek and poking him in the chest. "You are funny. A funny guy. You're funny."

"You're drunk," he laughed.

"And youuu can't stop me. Too late. Hah."

(Okay, yes, she was very, very, very drunk.)

But everyone deserved a night to get shitfaced, every now and then, and Cassie was doing it at home, therefore, she couldn't have been more responsible even if she tried.

Well, she could put on a shirt, but, eh.

Derek rolled his eyes. "Go back inside before you hurt yourself, idiot."

"Y're the idiot."

Scoffing, he crossed his arms over his chest, and Cassie knew she was one slurred comment away from getting a lecture and being taken to the hospital to get an IV stuck in her arm. So, naturally, she apologized with a lopsided smile.

He just sighed.

"Derek," Meredith spoke up from the porch. "Take me for a ride."

Why the hell would he-

Oh. Wait.

Ew.

Cassie looked at Meredith out of the corner of her eye, suspiciously gauging her sobriety level and deciding that she was decidedly less drunk than herself, if she was even drunk at all. Nodding in confirmation that her friend was clearheaded enough to make her own stupid decisions without outside influence, she turned back to Derek.

He was visibly put off at the fact that his little sister was present when Meredith said that, but looked at her expectantly anyways. Cassie leaned in, speaking in a dramatically hushed tone, briefly glancing back to Meredith, who was so heart eyes for Derek that she didn't even notice.

"Here," she slurred, handing him a roll of condoms from her pocket with an exaggerated wink. "Better to be safe than sorry."

Cassie did have extras.

With that, she left them alone to-well, for lack of a better term and despite the way it made her wince, fuck-and made her way back inside.

When she got to the front door, she tripped over her own feet, and landed in someone's arms, who caught her on her way down. A giggle escaped her, breathless and in spite of the fact that she nearly face-planted onto hardwood. Blearily, she blinked up at the stranger, who turned out to be-

"Alex!" she cheered. "You're hereee!"

(Once glance at the girl in his arms, and Alex knew he was not, in fact, getting laid tonight.)

Setting her back upright was a bit pointless, as she leaned into him anyways. Alex smelled good, which was admittedly surprising, because he was Alex, and his hands were on her waist, but not to keep her close; he held her almost like he wanted to her to back up, which was crazy, but she did it anyway.

His face scrunched oddly.

She was too out of her head to think about it.

"Sex," Cassie blurted, blinking at him.

"I-huh?"

"You and me. Sex. Now. Yes or no?"

(Now, he may knowingly act like a pig every now and then, but he wasn't a fucking creep-

Alex gave her a once over, before scanning their surroundings. Several male doctors he'd never seen before were staring at Cassie hungrily, seeming like they were waiting for the right opportunity to pounce on her. It made him uncomfortable.

-and he sure as hell wasn't leaving her, not like this, not shirtless and vulnerable and intoxicated.)

"Come with me."

"Or I could come on you-"

Alex rolled his eyes, pulling her gently down the hallway and opening the door to her room, and Cassie wasn't entirely certain how he knew it was hers, but she didn't question it.

Once he closed the door, Cassie took that as a sign, immediately stripping herself of her jeans so she was only in her underwear. Clumsily, she made her way towards her bed, willing her eyes to stay open long enough to get laid.

That was the plan all along, technically.

Drinking just... briefly halted the process.

"You gonna screw me or what?" she asked, before yawning as her vision went black for a couple seconds and she fell onto her back.

Alex didn't move an inch, only taking a moment to look down at her, doing some sort of strange thing with his mouth. Like... pouting, or something, but not in a sad way. More... sympathetic, which was an odd word to use when talking about Alex Karev.

"Jesus," he sighed, "You're wasted. Go to sleep."

(Rest in peace to Getting Laid, 2005-2005.)

Cassie frowned tiredly. "Not... havin' sex?"

He looked at her like she was insane. "No, we're not. Not when you're practically unconscious and can't make coherent decisions, at least."

"I thought y're a cocky ass 'n only think 'bout you."

Oh.

Okay, yeah.

Maybe he was right about the whole wasted and way too drunk to consent to anything thing.

"I am a cocky asshole," Alex agreed nonchalantly, folding her clothes and throwing a blanket over her uncovered body. "I'm a cocky asshole, who doesn't want his friend to get taken advantage of because she's drunk and can barely keep her eyes open. Now, shut up and sleep."

With one of her eyes shut on it's own accord, Cassie looked up at him with the other, snuggling into the blanket.

"Friends?" she grinned, "Awww."

Alex smiled, at that, she swore he did.

"Shut up and sleep."

"Aye aye, captain," Cassie mumbled, falling into a deep sleep only seconds later as Alex locked the door on his way out.

━━━━━⭒━━━━━

It turned out, annoying men were far less annoying after proving themselves to actually be a good guy.

Tolerating Alex came much easier to Cassie, after that night; so much so, that she wasn't even pissed off when he tried to steal her cardio patient. Well, the patient wasn't hers yet, but she would be, if Cassie played her cards right.

Speaking of cards-

"Uno!"

Alex groaned, tossing his handful of +4's facedown onto the bed. Cassie snorted, gently putting her own back in the pile, smiling over at their patient who'd won for the third time that morning.

Annie, was her name.

They'd only had the opportunity to call her Ms. Connor once before she'd corrected them. She was in for a tumor removal, which was admittedly a very light way of putting it.

Evidently, she hadn't had much human interaction as of late, as she was too afraid to leave the house looking the way she did; her words. But she was kind, and funny, and irritatingly good at card games, too. Cassie didn't mind sharing her case with Alex, as long as she could be on it.

There was something special about watching the light come back into her patients eyes, once they were finally healthy.

Cassie knew Annie would look beautiful.

Alex went back to shuffling cards, and faintly, there were voices coming from outside the room.

"When we walk in this door, you will maintain decorum," the voice ordered, and it only took a moment to hear that it was Bailey. "You will not laugh, vomit, or drop your jaw. Are we understood?"

Annie didn't seem to hear, but Cassie cleared her throat to muffle the words, just in case she did. Bailey's preemptive sensitivity training was, in and of itself, rather insensitive. Cassie hated the idea of a patient hearing a warning about themselves, just because they're sicker than most.

"Why would we laugh?"

That was Izzie, who asked.

Cassie counted on her to be kind, at least.

Without an audible response, the door opened to reveal exactly who she expected; Bailey, Izzie, George, Meredith, and Cristina. Cassie and Alex got to their feet, smiling innocently at Bailey, who most likely assumed they'd both ditched rounds.

Everyone's eyes widened at the sight of her tumor, which was about the size of a normal person's entire upper body.

"What is it?" George whispered.

"Tumor," Cristina replied obviously.

Cassie sighed when Annie's winning grin slipped from her face, quickly replaced with rampant insecurity and self-conscious shame. The urge to smack her friends was overwhelming.

"Annie," Alex started with a million dollar smile, "This is Dr. Bailey, and these are my fellow interns."

"Dr. Karev, we refer to patients as-"

Bailey was quickly cut off. "I told them to call me Annie. Ms. Connor makes me feel old and fat, which I am, but why feel that way?"

Cassie shook her head, gently nudging Annie with her elbow. They'd talked about this; the night before, when she came into the ER and couldn't stop apologizing for simply being overweight and existing. It took a while to get it into her head that Cassie couldn't care less, and that no respectable doctor would care about anything but her health.

(The others weren't exactly helping, now.)

"You'll feel much better when we get that tumor removed from your gorgeous self," Cassie told her earnestly.

Annie blinked a few times, and nodded.

Burke came into the room, and all the interns seemed to straighten up, wanting in on the case. Cassie nodded towards him, quietly telling her, "Annie, this is Dr. Burke. He'll be the lead surgeon on your case."

"He's kinda awesome," Alex chimed in.

It was clear that he was attempting to come off as charming, and it sort of worked, because Annie was a straight woman with a pulse, and Alex was a pretty man. Pretty enough to make her blush, evidently.

"Dr. Harper, present."

Cassie took in a small breath.

"This is Annie Connor. She is 43 years old, and presented early this morning with progressive shortness of breath for the past three months. She was found to have a very large tumor of unknown origin pressed against her diaphragm, causing stress on her heart. Vitals have been stable all morning, she's scheduled for CT, and she is freakishly good at Uno."

Annie laughed at the last part, and Cassie ignored the glare Burke sent her way while she did the same.

(For a guy who was secretly fucking one of his interns, he was really weird about professionalism.)

"Ms. Connor, are you claustrophobic, at all?"

"I've been housebound for the last year," she replied, far more self-depreciating than Cassie would have liked to hear, "How claustrophobic could I be?"

"Alright. Dr. Stevens will take you for a CT-"

"Could someone tell my mom?" Annie interrupted, "She'll worry... if she gets to the hospital, and I'm not here. And... would it be possible for Alex to take me instead? I mean, he's just so fun to look at."

Alex beamed like a little kid.

Cassie snorted.

(One compliment was all it took.)

"Sure," Burke agreed, a bit sharp, "Excuse me."

He left the room, and Bailey and the other interns followed after him. Alex moved to get her bed ready for transport, and Cassie hung back, waiting until the others had left before she spoke.

"I'll see you before the surgery, okay?"

Annie took in a deep breath, which stuttered a bit at the back of her throat. Cassie reached down to take her hand in her own, hopefully squeezing hard enough to make her feel less alone when she lets go.

"I-I'm, um, I'm a little scared."

Cassie spared a quick glance to Alex, who conveniently pretended he couldn't hear them.

Smiling softly, she did her best to reply evenly, "Dr. Burke is the best there is. If there's anything he can do to keep your beautiful heart pumping, he'll do it. You're in the best hands you could ask for."

Annie squeezed her fingers.

"Thank you, Cassie."

She grinned. "See you in a bit."

When Cassie left the room, her smile fell, and she quickly shut the door so Annie wouldn't hear the conversation playing out not two feet away-

"How much do you think it weighs?"

That was Meredith, followed by George-

"Sixty pounds?"

"More," Izzie shook her head. "She's carrying around a whole extra person."

"Guys, cut it out," Cassie interjected. "You're being a little insensitive, don't you think?"

And then Cristina-

"This one's going in the books."

Cassie couldn't help it if she stormed away like a petulant child. She couldn't help it if maybe she said something under her breath about her friends being ignorant assholes, and if maybe, they heard her loud and clear.

They didn't know Annie, so they didn't care.

Even if it was their job to.

Cassie couldn't help herself from pulling out her phone and texting the one person who she knew could understand her annoyance, even if they hadn't spoken in months and ended on a very bad note. Sometimes, there were certain people you just needed.

CASSIE [ 7:04 AM ]
why are good people so awful
sometimes? i don't get it.

ADDISON >:( [ 7:07 AM ]
Because they're human.
ADDISON >:( [ 7:10 AM ]
Everyone is doing their best.
Or they're not, and they need
to do better.

If Addison could practice what she preached, Cassie might find it easier to forgive her; but that wasn't the point, and so she took the words at face value.

Watching from around the corner as Alex wheeled Annie up to the CT machine, she allowed herself to be angry; just for moment, before she forced herself to understand.

Because they're human.

It was something surgeons often forgot.

━━━━━⭒━━━━━

"Unbelievable."

Cassie just wanted to check on Annie, really, that was all she wanted. The CT seemed to be taking a while, so she only wanted to ensure there weren't any issues, or that she didn't hemorrhage on the way up.

"I know, right?"

Alex's voice drew her into the doorframe; she didn't recognize the man sitting next to him, he must've been a new tech.

"God, I've never seen anything like this."

"Well, what I don't understand, is how a person lets it get like that," Alex shook his head. "I mean, that's a whole lot of nasty."

Cassie felt the anger bubble up once again, a whole lot faster than she could keep it down. Alex, who was playing cards and flirting with this woman not half an hour ago, was now talking about her like she was dirt on the bottom of his shoe, because, what? She was unhealthy? She had some mental health issues?

(Cassie did too, but she was skinny, so she supposed it didn't count, in his eyes.)

"The fuck did you just say?"

Both men jumped, not hearing her enter the room until she was standing right behind them. It gave her a sick sense of satisfaction.

Alex, instead of apologizing, doubled down.

"I said, it's nasty."

Cassie's jaw ticked.

It never went well for anyone, when someone she cared about was insulted in front of her. She'd only known Annie for the better part of twelve hours, but that was plenty long enough to know that she didn't deserve to be talked about like she didn't have feelings, like she wasn't a person.

A human.

Any respect she had for Alex was lost, then. He'd have to earn it back, if he wanted to keep it.

(So, the guy didn't assault her. That doesn't mean he isn't a misogynistic pig disguised as a frat boy dickhead.)

"You have no idea what she's been through, or what her life is like. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Maybe she's afraid of doctors," the tech sighed. Cassie had honestly forgotten he was there at all. "Poor thing."

"Poor thing?" Alex scoffed. "Please. If you're afraid of doctors, you take a pill. She's just sick. Like, warped, you know? Seriously, I don't know how she lives with herself."

"Hey," Cassie snapped suddenly. "Just because you can't understand her choices, doesn't mean you have to be rude about it. You are a doctor. Your job is to listen to the patient and empathize with them, not judge them for the choices they've made in the past. Do I think she should've come in a year ago? Yes. Does that give me the right to talk negatively about her? Absolutely not. So, how about instead of just standing there and being a judgmental dick, you get your head out of your ass and focus on your patient."

Silence followed.

Okay, so, that was a lot. But it felt good.

Alex tried to laugh it off, turning to the tech for moral support, but the man avoided his eye like the plague.

Cassie raised a brow.

Jaw clenching, Alex turned back to face the window, peering into the CT machine, which was nearly finished with it's scan. He hesitated, his fingers absentmindedly drumming against the buttons on the console. "Whatever. Don't you have some tree to go hug, Mother Theresa?"

It was a half-hearted insult, not said with much force, and she knew that she got to him, finally.

"Do better, Alex."

Cassie left once the scanner read complete.

━━━━━⭒━━━━━

Burke paged her to Annie's room, and her gut twisted at the possibility that something had gone wrong.

The tumor made it difficult for her to breathe, and if her airway had somehow been compromised on top of that, or if the tumor grew and put even more stress on her heart, or if she stroked out and died on the way back from CT, then Annie could be gone.

Cassie did her best to remain calm.

It was hard, when she always cared so deeply.

Her worried thoughts came to a halt when she was shoulder-checked on her way into the room.

Alex didn't even stop walking, didn't ask if she was okay, didn't bother to look at her at all. It was only when she saw Burke standing inside with Annie, both of them wearing unreadable expressions, that she realized it had been on purpose.

"Uh, you paged?"

Cassie smiled at Annie, confused.

"Yes," Burke said simply, "I did."

Eyes bouncing between the two, she felt oddly like she was being tested, somehow. Like if she said the wrong thing, her attending would throw her out on her ass and kick her off his service for good.

"I just..." Annie started, her voice small, "I just wanted to say thank you. For... for being so nice to me."

The immediate response she wanted to give was, of course I'm being nice to you, you're a patient who never did anything wrong and therefore deserve kindness just like anyone else, but something in her eyes made Cassie pause.

It was almost knowing.

Then, she recalled how angry Alex was.

"Ms. Connor has personally requested for you to scrub in on her surgery," Burke told her, a strange half-smile on his face, "Dr. Karev has been removed from the case."

"I-I'm confused-"

"I heard," Annie confessed, and Cassie's veins practically turned to ice, "I, uh, I heard you guys talking about me, when I was getting my scan. They didn't turn the microphone off. I heard everything."

It pained her, somewhere deep in her stomach, the revelation. That their patient, who they were supposed to care for and treat delicately, heard the terrible things they said about her. Cassie wasn't a stranger to the feeling-sure, she was hot and cool and rather well-liked now, but she hadn't always been-and she knew exactly how much it hurt.

"Annie, I'm so sorry-"

"For being the only person to stick up for me?" Annie scoffed, but it was light, almost like she was amused. "Cassie, I said thank you. You didn't need to do that. God knows nobody else does."

"I-I couldn't not."

Usually, she'd be all for accepting praise, even if it was for something menial; but truthfully, Cassie didn't understand why on earth she was being thanked for not saying awful things she didn't believe in.

Burke interrupted with a simple, "Prep her?"

Cassie nodded, suddenly reminded of the life-threatening surgery her patient was about to undergo. The only comfort she had was that, strangely enough, Annie looked far less terrified than she had that morning.

Still, just to check, she asked her, "Ready?"

"I think I am," Annie responded, "Thank you."

Cassie smiled down at her. "Don't thank me yet. We're playing another round of Uno before you go in, and I'm totally gonna kick your ass."

"Says the three-time loser."

"Okay, ouch."

The two sat and chatted for a while, oblivious to Burke looking at the intern with pride.

━━━━━⭒━━━━━

Burke was yelling.

The surgery wasn't going well.

The tumor was nearly a hundred pounds, and Cassie, George, and Cristina had been enlisted to hold it up for the second half of the surgery. She would've been bitter about sharing the spotlight, but her back was in so much pain that she was grateful for the extra hands.

At least Alex wasn't allowed in.

But Burke was yelling, and the monitors were going off nonstop, and Derek had come in to help with the nerve grafting, and there was far too little room, and Cassie was entirely claustrophobic, and her heart was practically beating out of her chest-

"Dammit, O'Malley!"

Burke was yelling.

Cassie regretted not refilling her anxiety meds.

"I-I'm sorry," George stuttered out between heaving breaths, his gloved grip tightening on the tumor tenfold. "I'm sorry."

"Do you want me to kill this patient-?!"

George looked up at the man like a deer in headlights, sharing a brief glance with Cassie who, despite the mask covering most of her face, gave him an apologetic smile; she probably looked like she was just squinting, but she knew that George knew what it meant. They tended to be pretty in sync.

(Bailey's voice rang out, a loud, "More blood!")

"-I mean, is the art of retracting just too much for you?" Burke continued, his tone sharp enough to slice through glass, "Harper doesn't seem to be having any trouble, and she's much smaller than you are. You need a break, O'Malley?"

Cassie frowned under her mask. "I'm not small. I'm like, 5'8."

Burke sent her a glare that said not the time.

The surgery progressed, and the attendings only yelled louder, and Bailey kept asking for blood, and four hours had passed, and they hadn't even gotten to the other half of the tumor yet. The only thing that kept Cassie from passing out due to exhaustion, was that this was Annie on the table.

Annie, who ended up beating her at Uno four times. Annie, who's widowed, elderly mother was currently waiting in an empty hospital room. Annie, who told Cassie that she loved to crochet, who used to sell her creations at a flea market before she became housebound. This was Annie, who they were saving, and Cassie was not going to give up.

She'd pass out later.

"Hang another unit," Derek told a scrub nurse, an edge to his tone after countless hours of repairing the same thing. When he got to response, he repeated, "Another unit, please."

"We're out."

Silence.

Cassie craned her neck to see what was going on; the scrub nurse seemed to be frantically speaking on the phone, and it was clear that she wasn't lying about theere not being any more blood to hang.

Wait.

They were out of blood.

"So, go get more!"

It wasn't until the words were finished coming out of her mouth, that she even realized she'd spoken.

Cassie knew that, logically, her telling them to just get more wouldn't actually change anything; but there was something about being as helpless as she currently was, that made it feel a little better doing that as opposed to doing absolutely nothing at all.

"We're trying," the nurse told her, as kindly as she could muster, "We prepped over a double supply, but-"

"But she's bleeding too fast."

That was Burke, just then. The lack of hope in his voice didn't go unnoticed. Cassie swallowed bile.

All she could do was stand there, staring down at the massive tumor which seemed to be actively sucking the life from Annie like a parasite.

Derek called Bailey over, having her work on stopping the bleeders near her spine; Burke rushed to catch the ones around her heart, all while operating on a tear in the ventricle caused by severe stress; George and Cristina were silent, but periodically sent concerned looks to Cassie, who was fully aware that she was about to fucking cry in the middle of surgery.

What happened next didn't help.

The monitors began beeping like crazy-crazier than they had been for the past hour-and then, Derek raised his voice.

"What did you cut?"

It was directed at Bailey, not herself, but Cassie couldn't help but to jump, tightening her grip on the tumor so it wouldn't slip from the action.

Cassie became nervous, never liking when Derek yelled. For a huge softie, he could be really frightening when he wanted to be.

Her arms began to shake.

If she fucking cried right now-

"Nothing," Bailey clipped out defensively. "It just blew. Dr. Shepherd, she came in with too much damage. The artery walls are too weak. She's taken ten units of O-neg already."

"Pressure's dropping-"

"Where the hell is the blood?"

This time, when Derek yelled, Cassie didn't have it in herself to be scared. The only thing stopping her from doing the same was the lump at the back of her throat.

(C'mon, Annie, I know it's scary, but you gotta stay with me, just stay with me-)

The machine flatlined.

"We're losing her!"

Cassie felt the tears welling up.

Burke did chest compressions for 4 minutes and 17 seconds. Derek did them for an extra 2 minutes and 34 seconds.

Annie had lost too much blood.

6 minutes and 51 seconds.

"Time of death, nineteen-forty-two."

Cassie heard footsteps charging into the OR, but she couldn't look to see who it was, as her gaze remained glued to the screen, to the unchanging lack of rhythm. All she could hear was the faint continuous beep sounding in her ears, and the next words spoken that devastated her beyond belief-

"I got it!"

Alex rushed in, looking all too proud of himself, holding the blood they needed twenty minutes ago.

Turning to look at him, she sighed.

His face dropped.

It only took a second for her to rip her mask off, dropping the tumor's dead weight into George and Cristina's hands.

Desperately, she wanted to walk past Alex, roughly shoulder-checking him the same way he'd done to her earlier that day. But she was exhausted, and her back hurt, and her ears were still ringing, and he genuinely looked like he wanted to die, so she decided against it.

Instead, she abruptly stopped beside him, and put a soft hand on his shoulder.

Giving him a sad look, Cassie shook her head in his direction. "It's over, Alex. She's gone."

To his credit, Alex was about to cry, too.

It didn't take very long for Cassie's tears to fall; the second she'd stepped into the scrub room, ripping off her gown and gloves and not even bothering to wash her hands before she stormed out.

Annie was the first patient she'd ever lost.

The first person she'd ever lost.

It was almost embarrassing, how she resigned herself to an empty hallway and slid down the wall while choking on sobs, completely alone and wanting nothing more than to turn back time, to get more blood prepped, to catch the bleeders before they burst, to play another game of Uno with Annie and laugh like everything was okay.

She died.

She died.

Cassie was her doctor. She was supposed to care for her, and help her get better, not to watch her take her last breath with an open abdomen and strangers shouting all around her dead body.

At some point, she'd rested her elbows on her bent knees, her head hanging between them, her body shaking in time with the constricton of her lungs, too terrified to look up and face the world again.

(How was she supposed to move on? A woman died. How the hell did any of them ever move on?)

"It gets easier, after the first one."

Cassie's breath caught in her throat, not because she didn't expect Derek to be there, but because she knew he would be.

He always was.

Pulling her head up and wiping her wet cheeks with the back of her hand, Cassie allowed him to sit on the ground next to her, because she certainly wasn't getting up anytime soon.

Derek was the only one who'd ever really seen her like this. A pool of saltwater beneath her eyes, gross snot bubbling in her nose, drooling a little bit because she was crying so hard that it just happened when she opened her mouth. He was the only one allowed to see her at her lowest; he was the only one she opened up to, whenever she was there.

"I hope-I hope it doesn't. Get easier."

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw his head tilt to the side. "Why's that?"

Cassie shrugged, like it was obvious.

"I don't want losing a human life to come easy. It's supposed to hurt. It's not fair to the dead if it doesn't."

(Derek wasn't sure what to say, after that.)

He knew she didn't need him to say anything; she just needed him to be there. So, he sat with her, and arm thrown around her heaving shoulders and his hand tucked soothingly into her hair, and Cassie allowed him to comfort her, for a little while.

Maybe tomorrow, she'd have another boring day. At this point, it seemed more appealing.

author's note ━━━━━━━━━━
first mark cameo and he's talking about
condoms. likely thing for him to do

also lmk if you like the little text thingy
i'm trying out! it's more fun than writing
a phone call if i'm being honest lol.

& if you're a fan of the show 9-1-1, i just
recently posted a buck and eddie fic! it's
basically just. what if buddie watched the
2024 film 'challengers'. anyway shameless
self promo go tune in