A much longer chapter this time. I figured with all the planning and preparations for battle, Ana didn't have time to really come to terms with everything. Since she's had deep (or somewhat deep) conversations with 3 of 5 royals, I figured she could have a nice long conversation with someone who can relate to how she might feel better than anyone. Enjoy!

𑁍𑁍𑁍𑁍𑁍𑁍𑁍𑁍𑁍𑁍𑁍𑁍𑁍𑁍𑁍𑁍𑁍𑁍

Glancing around, I tried to figure out what happened, what I had missed. Most of the Narnian army stood on one side of the river. A few stood throughout the water, watching as the Telmarines assembled on the riverbank. Many tossed their weapons aside, surrendering. Others handed them off to the Narnians. Large logs floated down the river and some were on either side of the banks, indicating the bridge had been destroyed. It appeared to have taken enough Telmarines with it that they decided it was better to surrender.

The battle for Narnia was finally over and her people were free, as it should be. The royals all made it through unharmed, which I was glad to see since I could barely defend myself let alone them towards the end. They were a little tired, worn out, and it was likely they had some minor injuries. But in the end, they were no worse for wear. We all exchanged smiles, knowing we had triumphed. Aslan was smiling too. Everything had turned out alright once we believed in Him again. We all looked to the Great King in reverence.

Our moment of joy was interrupted by sad music and soft footsteps. Six of Reepicheep's men approached, with two carrying their unconscious chief on a simple stretcher made of twigs. A third mouse carried the pipes and played them as the royals parted ways, allowing them to pass by. The music stopped when the others set him down before Aslan.

Lucy wasted no time in rushing to Reepicheep's side. Kneeling next to him, she gave him a drop from her cordial. The effect was almost instant, unlike when I had been first cured with it. Then she stood as Reepicheep gasped for air and quickly regained consciousness. He noticed Lucy and thanked her for curing him as she smiled in relief at the others. One of his men helped Reepicheep to his feet and away from the stretcher. Once he was up, he realized Aslan was standing before him.

"Oh! Hail Aslan! It is a great honor to be—" he began but cut himself off, falling forward as he tried to bow. It was then that everyone noted that the poor mouse was missing his tail. He seemed embarrassed, backing away from Aslan and trying to cover the empty spot with his paws. "I must grave your indulgence for appearing in this untimely fashion," he apologized before turning to the Valiant Queen. "Perhaps a drop more?"
She looked at the cordial in her hand before responding sadly: "I don't think it does that."
"You could have a go!" he declared, sounding a bit desperate.
Aslan chuckled. "It becomes you well, small one."
Reepicheep turned to face Aslan. "All the same, Great King, I regret I must withdrawal." He pulled out his rapier and held it in both paws, almost offering it to the Great Lion. "For a tail is the honor and glory of a mouse."

It was quite sad to think that we would lose such a good warrior so soon. He could still be a good Knight, even without his tail. A non-life-threatening injury such as his didn't mean he could longer be of service. But it seemed Reepicheep was thinking more of his pride and honor than anything.

And Aslan called him out on it, as He often did when one was prideful. "Perhaps you think too much of your honor, friend," He told the mouse.

Reepicheep was once again embarrassed in the Lion's presence. He recovered quickly, realizing he had been a bit prideful, and began listing other reasons why having a tail was useful. I could see Lucy holding back a smile and glanced over to see the other royals doing the same. The poor mouse just wanted his tail and the rest of us were trying not to laugh at his expense. It was very impolite and everyone knew that. Even so, it was difficult to keep smiles off our faces.

But as Reepicheep's tirade continued, I realized he hadn't provided Aslan with a reason to restore his tail. Reepicheep seemed to come to this same conclusion as he began to taper off.

Then one of Reepicheep's men took a few steps forward and drew his sword. "May it please, Your High Majesty?" the Mouse pleaded to Aslan. He grabbed his tail and held the blade up to it. "We will not bear the shame of wearing an honor denied to our chief."

When the others realized what this meant, they also drew their blades and grabbed their tails. One mouse, in particular, seemed rather hesitant, watching the others before slowly copying their actions. Reepicheep had also turned and was watching his men with slight admiration. Aslan smiled softly at the action.

"Not for the sake of your dignity," Aslan said, causing Reepicheep to face him again, "but for the love of your people."

In that instant, his tail grew back. The others released their tails as Reepicheep grabbed his in excitement. "Look! Look!" he said as he showed it to his men. "Thank you," Reepicheep bowed. "Thank you, my liege. I shall treasure it always. From this day forward it shall serve as a great reminder of my huge humility." His statement caused everyone to laugh or smile. Aslan's chuckle radiated happiness. Anyone who heard it would suddenly realize they had nothing to fear or be worried about.

Turning his head towards Lucy, Aslan spoke again.  "Now where is this dear little friend you've told me so much about?"

At his statement, everyone knew who he was referring to. Lucy looked to the riverside and everyone, including Aslan, followed her gaze. Trumpkin stood on the bank of the river, sword held out in mild threat to the Telmarines crossing over. It ensured that they surrendered their weapons and discarded their armor.

He glanced in our direction once and then again after realizing we were all staring at him. Seeing Aslan watching him as well, Trumpkin quickly stopped what he was doing and turned to face the Lion. Placing his sword into the ground, he knelt before The King. Aslan stood up and roared at the Dwarf, causing him to shake a bit with fear and jump in surprise. His eyes were wide and he breathed a little heavy after the shock. He stared at us, seeming to try and comprehend what had just happened.

"Do you see him now?" Lucy asked, and I heard the laughter in her voice.

Her siblings were smiling brightly as well, barely containing their laughs. Caspian looked a little surprised—probably from the roaring—and confused. Lucy's statement confused me a bit as well. But I assumed something had happened between the youngest Pevensie and the Dwarf. Something that only her siblings were aware of. Trumpkin let out a small, nervous laugh but he looked afraid to do anything more than that. 

~Prince Caspian~

It took several hours to get things into order. Everyone assembled on one side of the bank and some went in search of food and other supplies. Lucy tended to her siblings and Caspian, making sure they were alright, before tending to the others. When she went to help the others, I accompanied her for two reasons. One was to ensure no one tried to harm the young Queen while she treated them and the other was to help out if she needed it. She helped both Narnians and Telmarines alike but did not use her cordial unless in dire circumstances. Any Narnians who were uninjured or had theirs seen to quickly joined in helping their Queen tend to the others. Some Telmarines were resistant to treatment, seeming to think we were there to harm them. But they all relented eventually.

It would be a long journey back to the castle, and after the battle, it was decided to let everyone rest. We figured some Telmarines would flee in the night, but there was nowhere for them to go. The battle was already won and Narnia belonged to the Narnians. So fires were set up and everyone found a place to sleep. Blankets were provided for most of the humans first as most Narnians didn't need them. Since there wasn't enough for everyone, some gladly went without, including their Majesties. A majority of the Telmarines stayed together, huddled around fires as far away from the Narnians as possible. A few intermingled, though, proving they weren't as afraid of each other as they were meant to be.

The Kings and Queens of Old were gathered around one fire, away from most of the others. They were laughing and chatting quietly amongst themselves. At some point, Reepicheep and Trumpkin had joined them. Caspian had been with them at first but wandered off with Aslan sometime ago and I didn't know when either would return. I sat by the riverbank, on my own, taking in the sounds of nature. It was the first opportunity I had to enjoy the quiet and breathe the air. I had been too caught up in my emotions and the threat of a battle to focus on it. Now that everything had passed, I felt as if I could relax and breathe.

I could feel the magic ingrained into the very earth of Narnia once again. It had once flowed freely and strongly, feeling like it was a part of you. Then it had become tainted by the Witch's magic and it didn't have the young air it used to. When Aslan returned and the Pevensies were crowned, it came back stronger than ever and one felt free again. But when they left, darkness fell upon Narnia and the magic grew weaker once again. As the years passed, I realized the magic must've gotten worse over time. 

It wasn't until my capture by the Telmarines that I felt something in the earth die—the magic that made Narnia what it was, had faded completely away. When I saw what was happening after the fall of Cair Paravel, I realized the magic was retreating deep into the earth. It felt as though it was dying and Phoenix seemed to go with it. That was the only explanation I could come up with for why a part of me felt as if it died that day. The trees retreated so deep into themselves, they became nothing but normal trees; they stopped dancing and singing. The magic did the same, burying itself into the earth where no one could feel it anymore. Only one would be able to bring it forth again.

All the years I spent languishing in a cell, never once did I feel the magic I was used to. It was still there, buried somewhere deep, but only Phoenix could truly sense it. If I blocked her out, ignored it, I couldn't feel anything in the air and it was stifling.

It wasn't until that moment, by the river, that I realize the phoenix wasn't the only one who could feel the magic now. I was starting to sense it again as were some Narnians. It wasn't strong as it used to be, but it was regaining its strength. There was some darkness to it, but that was breaking away as well. After all, being trapped for so long, it would take some for the magic to feel normal again.

But something wasn't right, didn't feel right. Narnia was regaining its strength; its prosperity being restored. But that part of me that died, it wasn't back. And I didn't know how to find it again. I thought fighting for my home, for the Narnians would bring it back. But we won the battle and I still felt like I was missing something. I didn't feel whole and I most certainly didn't feel like the warrior I once was. With great fear, I suddenly realized I may never be again. Too much had happened and I did not know if I could ever be the person I was before. 

I let out a deep sigh and heard footsteps approaching. Gravel shifted beneath their feet as they sat down beside me. They didn't speak at first, taking in the quiet chatter of the others talking. It was peaceful and beautiful as the sun was setting. It cast reflections of pink, orange, and yellow across the river. The river murmured quietly and if we had not been sitting beside it, we wouldn't have heard it.

But I knew there was something they wanted to say. I didn't know what it could be so instead of pushing them to speak, I quietly watched the sunset. They would speak when they were ready. Fortunately, I didn't have to wait long.

"Are you alright?" Edmund asked. While I knew it was him from the moment he approached, I was surprised to hear such concern coming from him.
"Yes," I hummed, turning my head to look at him. He was studying me.
"I'm not referring to your injury." I didn't need him to clarify, but he seemed to feel it was necessary. "I know Lucy's cordial heals that well enough that no one needs to be concerned. But you seem... off."
"Do I?" I asked, confused. Had I been acting strangely?
"Something happened... Peter mentioned you let something slip and Lucy could only guess what happened. I noticed something was off earlier, but pretended not to. I knew you wouldn't want to make a fuss. You're like me in that regard." His smile was almost fond, but he quickly grew serious. "For those of us who knew the old you, it was obvious something was wrong. I thought once the war was done, you would be yourself again. But that was a rather foolish notion of me. Of course, you wouldn't because that wasn't the problem. Something else was..."

He paused, waiting for me to speak but I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know what it truly was. Only that after everything, I still felt broken. I thought freeing the Narnians, restoring Narnia, and Aslan's return would make me feel normal again. But they didn't—not completely—and I had no idea what I was missing.

"What is it?" he pressed when he realized I wasn't going to speak.
"I—I don't know," I stuttered out. I hated how my voice cracked at that statement. It made me seem weak. I drew my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, pulling them close. "I'm missing something and I don't know what. I thought I would feel better after everything was resolved but I don't. I still feel..." I cut myself off with a sharp inhale. "I still feel broken."

Edmund was silent. I didn't look at him, feeling embarrassed. Tears burned in my eyes and I willed them not to fall.  I didn't want to wipe them away either. It was dark enough that he couldn't see the tears but wiping them away would indicate they were there. I didn't know why I felt the need to hide them, but I did. He wouldn't have judged me for it.

"So what do you need to do to feel whole again?" he said suddenly. His voice was soft and I could hear genuine concern. He wanted to help.  "You've reconciled with Peter because you would never let him go into battle thinking you were against him. You've helped save the Narnians and free Narnia. You did your duty and kept all of us alive. And unharmed. You kept your faith in Aslan when things got tough. You never doubted—"
"But I did!" I blurted before I could stop myself. It was the first time I admitted it out loud. "Not recently, but there was a time I did doubt Him. I suffered terribly because of it and I never want to feel how I felt than ever again. But I know I disappointed Him and I feel I've let others down as well. The Narnians depended on me to trust in Aslan when they could not and I failed at that. The Kingdom was my responsibility and I failed at that as well. I lead them astray... If I hadn't lost my faith, Narnia never would've fallen in the first place. None of this would've happened. So many lives lost and it's all—"
"Ana!" he stated, barely above a whisper. Obviously,  he didn't wish to attract attention and I was grateful for that."Don't you dare take the blame for what happened! You can't. Take it from someone who has tried: It will destroy you. Whatever happened wasn't your fault. You would never act against the Narnians' best interests. Regardless of what happened between you and Aslan, you've always wanted what was best for the Narnians. That wouldn't have changed the outcome."
"But you know as well as I do what happens when you do things without Aslan's blessing."
"Ana..." Edmund whispered. His voice was tight and when I glanced over, he looked a bit pale and uncomfortable. "I was a traitor. I was against Aslan and the Narnians and He was still able to forgive me. There's nothing you could've done that's worse than what I did." His voice regained some of his normalcy. "Even if you lost your faith, you got it back and it's stronger than ever. I can tell because of how hard you fought with Peter. You fought to do what was right by the Narnians, by Aslan when you knew Peter's plans weren't aligned with His. I couldn't tell who was angrier when they went against Him and tried... Tried to..." He stumbled over the words as if he couldn't bring himself to say them. But I knew what he meant so he didn't have to. I knew the mere thought of her brought up painful memories for him.

I glanced over at Edmund but found he was no longer looking at me. He was staring off into the distance and if hadn't been so dark I'm sure he would've seemed far away. As it was his posture was stiff and his face was scarce of any emotion. He seemed to have gotten himself wrapped up in painful memories. But after a moment he shook his head and turned to look at me. Our eyes met and his eyes were filled with deep regret, sadness, and one other emotion I couldn't quite place. Although everything had been forgiven and he had proven himself to be a truly Just King, it appeared those memories still bothered him.

I looked away, unsure why he had allowed me to see such emotions. I tried to work out what I should say because a simple 'sorry' for unintentionally bringing up painful memories didn't seem right. But hearing him sigh a moment later, I knew my chance to speak had passed. Edmund was back to focusing on me rather than his thoughts. As I glanced over, he returned his gaze to the water and appeared to be trying to decide how to proceed. He told me what I already knew, but I suppose I just needed someone else to say it. But I also knew that wasn't the problem. Something else was. Something deeper.

"You already know all this," he stated, running a hand through his hair. "But you haven't forgiven yourself for it."
I blinked and stared blankly at him. Could that be it? Was I the one holding myself back? "I..."
"You have a good and kind heart. You would have let Peter stay angry with you if it helped him feel better. You would rather someone hate you than hate themselves. And you've always been able to see the good in others, much like Lucy. But unlike my sister—and I pray to Aslan it never happens—that innocence with which you view the world has been destroyed. I can see it in your eyes. You've been hurt; your eyes hold sadness and grief. You've seen the monsters of the world and you've kept them secret so others do not learn about them.

"You would let your light go out so others could shine brighter. You would—and sometimes have—sacrifice everything so others will be happy. You forgive those who hurt you and don't deserve your forgiveness almost instantly. But you won't grant yourself the same kindness or courtesy. You would rather hate yourself than someone else. You'd rather take the blame for things beyond your control than let someone else think it's theirs. You'll help others but won't let others return the favor. And you're incapable of letting yourself be free. But Ana, you can't keep doing that. If you want to feel whole again, you've got to let go of your past mistakes. It's the same lesson I had to learn."
"I—" I began again, but had no idea how to respond. He knew me better than I knew myself apparently. "I don't do that... Do I?"
He chuckled softly, barely audible to anyone who wasn't nearby. "You always have. You work hard at keeping your feelings hidden so others don't know. But if one took the time to study you, they could tell when you're hurting."
"You've been studying me..?" I surmised from his statement.
"I had to," he answered. "You were there for me if I ever needed it. I could come to you with things I couldn't go to my brother or sisters about. And I knew they would be safe with you. I wanted to make sure you had someone—even if it wasn't me—who you could go to if you needed it. Although you spent a lot of time with Lucy and Tumnus, I was never quite convinced you did. Especially when people started treating you differently as we grew older and you didn't say anything."
"I was used to that," I told him.
"But that didn't mean it didn't hurt. I could see it in your eyes. They told the true story and it was the one thing you couldn't keep hidden. It's why—"
I cut him off, realizing what he was going to say. "It's why you always brought me along whenever you could. Why you always apologized for the slip of the tongue and made an extra effort to involve me in things afterwards."
He nodded. "Now, your eyes hold sadness, hurt, and even guilt. You've been blaming yourself for everything that's happened. You haven't truly forgiven yourself for past transgressions, even when it's clear everyone else has."
"Have they?" I asked because I needed to know if the others blamed me.

From my periphery, I saw his head whip in my direction. It seemed he was surprised or offended by my question. "What—?" he started but seemed unable to finish that question. "How do you not see? What would make you think anyone blames you?"
I finally looked at him. There was something in his eyes that I couldn't read. I blamed it on the darkness, but it might've been something else. "Because why wouldn't they? Why wouldn't you? Narnia fell into ruin. The allies you spent years building were lost and the empire was destroyed. The Narnians had no leader and it was left up to them to defend this country. I got so wrapped up in my own misery that I didn't help them."

Edmund was so taken aback that he didn't know what to say. I watched him stare at me, mouth agape, for a few moments before looking away again. Normally I could read him so much better, but they all seemed off lately. I couldn't tell what he was shocked about. The fact that I had rightly assumed what he had been thinking or that I was so far from correct that he couldn't believe those words had come out of my mouth. Judging solely on his reaction it could have gone either way which was why I was wholly unprepared for his next words.

"I'm so sorry..." his voice was soft, full of concern, and—was that love? I was forced to turn to him in surprise. "I'm so sorry for whatever happened to you. It's made you unable to see what is right in front of you. The Narnians rallied behind you just as much as they did us. If it wasn't for you I'm sure many of them would've left. We abandoned them but you did not. You were there when they needed someone. And none of us—Peter, Susan, Lucy, or myself—hold you accountable for what happened. Regardless of what you think you did, you helped the Narnians survive as long as they did. Peter was angry with himself for what happened and wrongfully blamed you. But I know he never meant it and felt awful about how he treated you. He thought you hated him and couldn't bear the thought of facing Miraz if you were. The only person still holding onto the past and blaming you is you."
"I know," I sighed, turning away again. "I don't know why I can't stop. Every time I try a voice keeps whispering that it's all my fault and everyone hates me."
"That's the voice of regret. It won't let you forget. And the only way to defeat it is to forgive yourself and remember whose voice you should listen to. Not yours, not mine. Aslan's."

I mutely nodded, taking in his words. Edmund was quiet for a moment as well. Then he spoke with the same softness as before.
"You should get some sleep. It's a long day tomorrow."
"I will," I told him and he made his way to his feet. "Thank you."

He didn't say anything but placed his hand on my shoulder before walking away. The rocks crunched softly underfoot as he returned to his siblings. I could feel several eyes on me and didn't dare turn around or look. Both the Pevensies and the Narnians alike were watching me. But feeling the concern coming from their gazes made me realize how foolish and selfish I had been. They cared for me and I was too busy trying to make up for past wrongs to even notice. It was time for me to let them go.

By the time Caspian and Aslan had returned, I had settled by a fire and was fast asleep. I didn't notice their return. For the first time in a long time, I slept soundly through the night and didn't wake to any sounds. I felt different. All my worries and fears were gone. I finally let go of everything that had happened and allowed myself to fall into a peaceful sleep.