News flash! Soulmates have been scientifically proven to exist!

"THANK YOU JESUS!" Shout all the lonely people!

"But wait a minute, if they really do exist why am I still sitting here in a tub full of ice cream and feces!? I'm so alone! WAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"

Because, loser, you haven't downloaded Googles newest soulmate finder app! It'll find your one and only soulmate in the entire world at absolutely no cost to you! It also tells time and checks your emails!

Just go to Google Play to download the app, at no cost to you!

When you see the following message:

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Plenty of Souls Permissions

THIS APP HAS ACCESS TO THE FOLLOWING

STORAGE

PHONE CALLS

EMAILS

ALL YOUR BODILY FUNCTIONS

LOCATION

BANK ACCOUNT

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Just scroll past it and hit okay!

Once the app is installed, rush over to your 3D printer and look inside! Oh my god! What is that thing that's being printed in 3 dimensions! Why, it's your new Plenty of Souls Biometric Non-Lethal Brain Anchor!

Once it's printed, create a Plenty of souls account and log in. Follow the instructions on installing your new Brain Anchor (NON-LETHAL)! Please follow the instructions VERY CAREFULLY! I CANNOT STRESS TO YOU ENOUGH HOW CAREFULLY YOU NEED TO FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS. IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU HAD A BRAIN SURGEON OR EVEN A COLLEGE STUDENT ON HAND WHO KNEW SOME ANATOMY. INSTALL THROUGH YOUR NOSE, NOT YOUR EAR. FRENCH INSTRUCTIONS NOT INCLUDED.

Once installed your app will begin to search for your soulmate based on the settings you input! For example, if you live in the United States and your soulmate lives in Tuvalu you can find similar soulmates closer to your area! Amazing!

Of course they aren't your actual soulmate so you'll be destined to have a harsh, traumatic and bitter relationship, but we're not responsible for that!

Once you input your search settings, hit the search button and after several brief 5 minutes adds, you'll be connected to your soulmate! Go ahead and do it now!

The adds will be playing directly inside of your brain so making a purchase is as simple as thinking of the word "buy". If you don't wish to make a purchase, simply do not think the word "buy" or any word that sounds like "buy".

By the way! You can now say "bye" in your texts by way of our new bye-bye emojis!  By Google! Never write 'bye" again by buying these bye-bye emojis! Text safely while riding a bicycle, even if you're bi! Bye!

Wow thank you for all your generous purchases! Oh and look your soulmate has been found!

Turns out your soulmate is an old oak tree! In China!

Congratulations!

You can exit the app after these brief adds: