"So, Joanna ..." Ms. Benedetti-well, Samantha, since that's what she insisted on being called, sneaked up on me while I was washing the dishes. Somehow, I convinced Jeremy to let me do it on my own, just to take a break from this whole ... happening.

Did I say I'm an introvert? Well, I am, and as such, I need my batteries recharged now and then. The evening went great, even I conversed somewhat fluidly, but at some point, I just needed a moment to myself. Not to mention that detail about meeting Ben's daughter ... I'm still shocked.

"Thanks for coming." I said politely while soaping some plates.

My employer smiled, then grabbed the dishes I'd already soaped, and washed them under the faucet. "Thanks for inviting us."

"You don't have to ..."

"I want to." We both were talking about helping me with the dishes, of course. "They're having fun on their own anyway," she hinted behind us, where Jeremy and Mr. Grant – I will never, for the life of me, manage to actually call him Lucas, even though he insisted as well – were conversing amiably about history. Yeah, history. Not football, or baseball or whatever, but ... history. Jeremy majored in that, after all, and Mr. Grant said he's always been interested in ancient civilizations.

"Thanks." I said.

Samantha just nodded, and we both went on washing and soaping the dishes in silence for a few seconds – relative silence, since our respective partners weren't much quiet. "I wanted to say ... sorry again about earlier." Samantha mentioned. "I put you on the spot, I didn't mean to."

"Earlier?"

"Yeah, with ..." she hinted behind her.

"Jeremy?" I had no idea what was she talking about, the dinner actually went well.

"He doesn't know, does he?"

"What ..."

My boss neared me a little bit, pretending to grab a soaped plate to wash it, which gave her a chance to whisper in my ear: "About you and your neighbor."

When I say I gasped out loud and broke a plate, I'm not joking. I literally did. Luckily, Samantha had the calmness to tell our respective partners everything was okay, we'd just been clumsy, so they went on with their discussions. "You ok?"

"Yeah, I ..." I cleared my throat, staring at my hand, "just clumsy ..." that's one word for it. I picked up the pieces of the broken plate – luckily all in the sink – in silence, hoping that she would not ask questions or worse, make assumptions. But when do I ever get what I want?

"I don't judge, Joanna. You're young and ... they're both fairly handsome, it's understandable that you're torn between them." Samantha said. "But ... Jeremy seems like a nice guy, he doesn't deserve it."

"I ... I'm not ..." my voice broke a little, and when I spotted Jeremy's concerned gaze, I covered it up with a small cough. "We're not ... Ben and I, it's ..." complicated? It never even started because he never even tried?

All he did was come out saying he's gay, lying about everything, and then randomly kiss me and come up claiming he loves me. That's not exactly the recipe for a mature relationship, is it? Hell, it's not even the recipe for a friendship, but I'm trying hard to forget about the lies and really forgive him.

"I had a neighbor." Samantha said, half smiling. "He was the first friend I made in New York, he was genuinely nice with me, something that back then, for me, was hard to grasp."

What does that mean? She clouded over for a moment, but then, as if it were the source of her strength, she turned to gaze at her fiancé – who was laughing and chatting with my boyfriend on the couch, not looking like one of the most powerful men in the city at all. "I thought Sean felt the same as I did." My employer went on, turning to me. "I thought he considered me a friend. But ... he didn't."

Now that sounds familiar. But what was she getting at? "Ben is a friend." I guess that is the absolute truth, more or less. I am still trying to decide whether or not I can keep being around him. The surprise meeting tonight with his daughter only made things more real.

As long as I didn't actually see Elle, I could pretend this was just a mistake, Ben and I were still the same close friends/confidantes that told each other everything. But she is proof that not only he had a life before New York, but that he also completely lied to me about it. It'll sound dramatic, but I do not take very well being lied to.

"Sean was a friend." Samantha countered, always with that small smile of hers. "But ... he wanted to be more."

"And he was?"

She chuckled. "Of course, not." Duh. Who could ever even only hope to win against the Golden Bachelor, right? "I had never even realized he wanted more, only when he told me, I actually acknowledged it. But ... it was too late." Cue the gazing at her fiancé again. It's been like that all night, really. It's like they can't take their eyes off each other for more than 5 minutes or they'll fear the other fades away.

I won't deny I envy the kind of complicity and boundless love that oozes off them. It's like they were made for each other. When I did my research on Ms. Benedetti, before my interview with her, I read different things, some even implied she had pretty much brainwashed him.

And I don't know anything about celebrities nor about relationships, but I don't think I've ever been around a couple that's more perfect. Then again, I don't know many couples, most are family and they're not a great example.

When Mr. Grant caught his fiancée's gaze, they smiled at each other, and he winked, making her blush lightly. To think they've been together for years and they even have children.

Samantha cleared her throat, turning once again to me. "I was saying ... when my neighbor confessed his interest, it was too late."

"You were with Mr. Grant already." I finished for her, mostly because I don't think I can handle more of their mushiness. It's cute and all, but at some point it just rubs salt in the wound. It's like hanging a juicy steak in front of someone that's been fasting for a month.

"It's a bit more complicated than that, but yeah." Samantha confirmed, nodding. "My point was, I can see why you'd be torn between two handsome guys that both adore you." Say what, now? As if she'd read my thoughts, she laughed lowly. "Come on, you wanna deny Ben is mad about you?"

"I ..." Yes? No? Maybe? I have no clue?

"I can't really say I've been there, to be honest. The moment I stopped denying it, I didn't have eyes for anyone else other than Lucas." Cue the lovesick sigh. "But in a relationship, moments of uncertainty are normal, you know, you shouldn't be ashamed." She lowered her voice. "And like I said I don't judge, but Jeremy is a nice guy and he clearly loves you, you should make up your mind without ... well, you know."

"I know ... what?"

Samantha pursed her lips. "Look, I don't have a right to say anything, I just think Jeremy is a great boyfriend, you shouldn't cheat on him."

If only a sound had come out of my mouth. Oh, I did open it, and inside my head I did scream, but no sound came out. My eyes were wide as saucers, my mouth was agape, and I would have broken another plate, hadn't Samantha swiftly taken it off my hands.

"You ok, baby?" I hear Jeremy call from the couch, but I didn't know how to answer.

"Yes." Samantha replied for me. "She just uh ... cut her finger with a glass shard. You have some disinfectant and band-aids in the bathroom, you said, right?" I didn't even have time to nod, she just grabbed my hand, and dragged me to the small corridor towards my mini bathroom. Once there, she sat me on the toilet seat. "Phew, that was a close call."

"I ... Samantha, what ..."

"No, no, Jeremy should never find out, it would break his heart."

Is she high or something? "I ... what are you talking about?" I finally gasped out, blinking again.

She furrowed her brows. "I'm talking about you and Ben, that tension between you two earlier. The fact that you're going behind Jeremy's back ..."

"Why would you assume such a thing!" I whisper-yelled, leaping to my feet. "I would never do that to Jeremy! Or to anyone! Who do you think I am?!" I was offended and insulted.

"You're telling me there has been nothing between you and Ben? Absolutely nothing?"

I gulped, kind of loudly even. "How ... what ..."

"Like I said, tension."

"But ... it was ... just a kiss." Or maybe two or three. Ugh, here I was playing innocent, taking it all out against Ben for lying to me, and I totally bypassed the fact that, basically, I cheated on my boyfriend.

Not that I didn't know, I just didn't even have time to think about it, and I guess that hearing it said out loud was different. It made it actually real. A fact, not just a random rambling of my messed-up mind.

"Just a kiss?" Samantha tilted her head to the side.

I took a deep breath, not wanting to make a fool of myself in front of my employer. "Yes." I murmured, nodding slowly. "Just a kiss."

"Oh."

Oh? That's all? Oh? After she almost gave me a heart attack and I pictured myself enveloped in the flames of Hell in the circle of the lustful?

Samantha sat on the toilet seat, pondering for a long moment. "Tell me everything from the start."

"I don't think it's appropriate ..."

"Have you talked about this drama with anyone, Joanna?"

"The only person I'd talk about this stuff with is ... well, the only one I can't say it to." I confessed.

"Ben?"

"Yeah."

"I see. Well," Samantha stood up, "we can't stay in here all night, they'll get suspicious, but ..." she glanced at her watch, "we can take a walk, say we need fresh air."

"They won't buy it." Mostly because Jeremy knows I barely go out.

She chuckled. "You're right, Lucas would worry."

It's true that Brooklyn isn't the most peaceful area of New York, but this neighborhood is pretty tranquil and it's barely 10 pm, he wouldn't have much to worry about, most shops are still open. But I didn't say anything, I preferred to keep my story to myself.

"Well, tomorrow at work?"

"Samantha, I ..."

"Joanna, one of the things I neglected in my life is the dire need of having someone you can talk to. Especially woman to woman."

Well, I'd have Valerie for that. But she's still kind of pissed that Ben didn't tell her anything about Elle either. Plus, I wouldn't even know where to begin. Joe is too young. Faith and Hope ... we don't really have that kind of friendship. As for Michelle, she's friends with Jeremy. Taking a deep breath, I nodded. "Okay. Let's talk about this."

✧✧ ✧ ✧ ✧  

Samantha had a great idea. She said I was out of band aids and there was a bodega nearby, we could just walk over there quick. Of course, her fiancé protested – she isn't as famous as him, but her face still is on some magazines, people could recognize her, he said, making it sound like he was terrified they'd abduct her or something –, but she persuaded him somehow. Considering she whispered something in his ear and right after he looked at me, I suspect she explained the situation to him.

It took less than I thought, really. Just 10 minutes: home to bodega, bodega to my apartment was enough to give a full recount of everything that happened.

From when Ben and I met, seeing Jeremy again after years, the crush I had on him back in the day, our dates, how he told me he loved me. And then Ben and his being gay yet not exactly, and his lies, and the revelation about Elle and Eleanor, and his feelings for me. All of that only took 10 minutes. Incredible, right? The biggest drama in my life could be summed up in a 10 minutes talk.

"Well, Joanna, it's quite the dilemma." Samantha said, arms crossed over her chest, as we walked to my apartment. "But I think choosing to stay away from Ben for a while was a good choice."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you need to clear your head. Actually, I think that, ideally, you should take a break from Jeremy as well."

My eyes widened and I halted my steps. "I don't want to break up with him."

"You don't have to. Just ... take a few days off, maybe a week."

That's easier said than done. Jeremy is a sweet and caring guy, he doesn't suffocate me with messages – he learned soon that I need my space, which sometimes he needs as well, being an introvert, too –, but he does care about hearing from me every day at least once. I can't just disappear out of thin air and expect him not to worry.

"I may have what you need." Samantha said. "Lucas forced me to accept a vacation. He says that, between work and the kids, plus his needy self – his words, not mine –," cue her smitten laugh, "I may be soon burning out, so when his sister offered a girls only trip, he said yes on my behalf."

"Nice." But what does that have to do with me?

"You come with us."

"What?" How do I tell her I cannot afford whatever fancy place she and her sister-in-law plan on going to?

"Why not?" Samantha shrugged. "It'll be fun. And you get to relax a bit."

"Uh ... I can't."

"Don't worry, I'll pay."

"I cannot accept that."

She smiled. "Ok, take it this way ... you come as my assistant, it'll be overtime ... better?"

"Still, it's ... I can't ..."

"You're finally back." Mr. Grant interrupted us when we were at my door. "Were you trying to run off?" He engulfed his fiancée in a tight hug, gently kissing her cheek, which made her giggle.

"Not tonight, but this weekend." Samantha said, which confused both Mr. Grant and Jeremy. "Joanna and I are going to take a few days off, recharge batteries. Work has been super-hectic, we deserve it." She grinned sheepishly at me. I guess this is happening.

✧✧ ✧ ✧ ✧  

Jeremy. Ben. Jeremy. Ben. Jeremy. Ben. Nope, peeling the petals off a daisy didn't work. The whole weekend with Samantha and her sister-in-law didn't work. Nothing served to clear my head. If anything, I got even more confused, because Samantha and Rachel only enhanced my doubts.

a)If you loved Jeremy, you wouldn't have so many troubles telling him already. He confessed weeks ago.

b)If you were indifferent to Ben, you wouldn't have kissed him, abandoning yourself to him.

c)Jeremy feels like safe cocoon, Ben triggers the passionate Joanna you've been repressing.

d)Are you sure Jeremy isn't your what-if? The relationship you wanted years ago and now you can't give up because you feel you owe it to your past self?

e)Is Ben really available? He has a daughter, children swallow every second of their parents' life, and he's even a single dad!

All weekend my head has been a continuous ping pong between Jeremy and Ben. It's as if my life depended on this choice I didn't even know I had to make.

I hadn't even considered breaking up with Jeremy until Samantha mentioned this "tension" she said she noticed between me and Ben. I hadn't even considered IF I have feelings for Ben.

Do I? Or not? And how do I feel about Jeremy? Is he just a safe choice because he makes me feel good whereas Ben challenges me, he "awakens my wild side", as Rachel put it. Whatever that means.

It's unfair towards Jeremy to say he's a safe choice. It's not like he's this closed off guy that wants me chained to him. He's always supported me with everything: the interview with Samantha, my idea of restarting to write, and when I said I wanted to travel, he didn't laugh, he said "sure, where do you want to go first?"

Jeremy supports me. He is there for me every single time. He hasn't pushed me into anything, even though it's been almost 2 months and we still haven't, well, consumed – if you know what I mean. He respects my boundaries and is willing to wait, he believes in me.

And it's not true that we live a boring life. We do what we both like most: watching movies, reading, going to museums. It's stuff we both love. Just because we love nerdy things, doesn't mean we're boring. Maybe to everyone else we're a passionless couple, but as far as I'm concerned, this is the kind of stable relationship I've always wanted.

What could Ben offer me? I don't even know IF I want anything from him. His life is already as complicated as it gets, I don't think he has room for me.

I'm sure Elle already takes up enough of his time, not to mention his family. Set aside whether I have feelings for him or not – which I still don't know –, a relationship would be way more complicated than I could handle. Because f) Are you ready to become a stepmom, Joanna?