Roseanne Park-Manoban’s POV

December 12, 2029 – Monday

Once again I am sitting on the couch facing my psychologist’s chair, she is writing something down on her clipboard as usual. I’m feeling great, this morning I woke up happy and lighter. My son went to spend the day at my best friend’s house, because Toni was begging for it, and I came to my appointment alone, unfortunately I still don’t have the confidence to drive, so I had to ask for a car on the app. And to my sadness, I also couldn’t count on Lisa, as she would need to get to work early.

Well, here I am, about to tell you the latest events.

“Forgive me for the delay, my secretary bought this new clipboard and it needs more information than the previous one. It has given me trouble.”

I smile in understanding.

“OK no problem.”

“How are things going Roseanne?”

Dr. Lee asks and looks at me through her lashes over the lenses of her prescription glasses, my automatic reaction to thinking about the past few days is to smile wide. I have not been able to control the happiness within me.

“In the general sense? They are getting better and better, it seems that every new day is like a better kind of restart than the previous one.”

“That gigantic smile is full of untold things, want to talk about?”

“I just… I feel good, things are looking up. Each day I learn more about Roseanne that I forgot, and I am more familiar with my routine.”

“This is wonderful to know, I am very happy that things are improving.” She says and writes something on her clipboard. “What about your wife? Or should I call her by her name?”

“She is my wife, I have not yet become fully accustomed to being married and not remembering, but I am calm about the fact that we are married. And my smile is a big part because of her, I think I realized that if it was someone else, maybe everything would go wrong.”

Dr. Lee looks really surprised to hear me say that, but keeps her comments to herself as she writes down more. I understand her shock, because in the last few sessions, no matter how much I made it clear that my relationship with my wife had improved, I never referred to her as such, and I didn’t let them do that. I have no reason to try to erase the fact that I’m married to Lisa, that’s what we are, we’re letting things take their course and I’m happy that I feel more and more good things about her.

“This is a very significant advance. Getting along is the best way to help you with your re-adaptation. I am happy for this advance.”

“I am also very happy, since we talked about letting her enter my life again, things have been easier. We went to spend the weekend in Thailand, at her parents’ house.”

“Oh really? And how it was? Did you feel good?”

“It was great, despite a small disagreement between Amy and Lisa, the days were pleasant. She took me to a place where we used to go when we were younger, full of memories. It was like going into a private cinema about my life with her.”

“I have noticed that more and more you talk about her with joy. This evolution is really important, I hope you know that.”

“I know. Um, we…”

My face gets when I stop before saying that, Dr. Lee smiles and looks at me suspiciously.

“What?”

“We kissed, and this time it was real kisses. Many.”

“Many?”

“Several, I can’t help it. Every time she presses me against something or just near me when we are alone, it makes me want to not let her mouth go.”

“Yes, it seems that your relationship is restructuring well.”

“Very well. So good that I’m afraid to do something wrong and end up hurting her.”

“Roseanne, being afraid to hurt those we like is normal, but we shouldn’t create so much paranoia about this. Because in any relationship we will get hurt, this is completely normal. What matters is the way you will deal with the hurt, there is no point in doing everything to be perfect and end up spoiling something unintentionally. We are human beings and we are constantly making mistakes, but we must never stop learning and trying to change, in the end that’s what matters.”

I hear all the words she says to me and absorb them for me. I am fully aware that we will end up making mistakes at some point, because as the Dr. Lee said, we are susceptible to mistakes. What we should never do is let the hurt grow; we always have to resolve what is wrong in the best way. And I hope Lisa is at my side at all times, despite knowing that she will most certainly never abandon me. We will grow up together, I want to be the best person possible for her, because there is no one in the world who makes me want to have a good life like this woman.

All I wish for us is peace, growth and a lot of understanding.

As soon as the appointment was over, I said goodbye to Dr. Lee and was about to open the app and call a car when I noticed messages, by pulling the notification bar I could see that they were from Lisa, and as usual, it was impossible to stop the smile that was born on my face.

“Are you busy?”

I ask as soon as she answers the call on the third ring, I can’t help making calls, and I’ve always preferred them to messages. I like being able to hear the person’s voice.

“Never for you, my love. Is the session over now?”

“Yes, I’m going to order a car right now to leave. Or maybe I’m going to visit Jennie, I haven’t decided yet.”

“Did you make it on time? I left in such a hurry that I couldn’t even wake you up.”

“I realized, but I woke up as soon as you got out of bed, I couldn’t sleep any more after that. I stayed up until the hour came, called Uber and went. Everything went well, I’m getting good at going out alone in this city.”

“You were always very smart, love. Glad everything went well.”

“Yes.”

“I can come and get you if you want, do you want that?”

My heart was melted by her question, I like how protective she is with me and she always tries to make everything easy for me, but I wouldn’t be stupid to make her come this far, and I know that today she will stay late at work, just to supply my whim.

“No need, I just ordered a car. Ronald is coming to get me.”

“All right, princess. Share your location with me and when you get home let me know.”

“I think I’m going to stop by the market close to home and buy some things, I feel like eating something filled cheese.”

“That’s mean, you know?”

“Why?”

I notice that the car is coming and I wave at him, going to the sidewalk to wait for him.

“Nothing compares to your food.”

“Have you eaten? It’s lunch time.”

“I ate an apple just now, but I’m waiting for Somi. We will have lunch together, she texted me that she is almost here.”

“I was going to fight with you if you were going to have just an apple in your stomach all day.”

“I imagined; I know you. I wanted to have lunch with you, no food in this world surpasses yours.”

I feel my ego inflate with her praise, I always loved to cook, and I made a point of learning very early, even without anyone ordering it. I never wanted to conform to the line just because I’m a woman I need to know how to cook from an early age, I learned to cook for love, and also because I didn’t want to overload my mother when I wanted to eat something.

“Hmm… Can I do something especially for you later, any requests?”

“Everything you do is great, but I also want something filled with cheese.”

My mind starts planning menus automatically.

“I’ll make something cheese-filled for you.”

“Can't wait. I’ll have to hang up, but love?”

“Hm?”

“I miss you.”

And as if an adrenaline rush had just taken place inside me, I feel my heart racing when I hear her say that. I smile, even though she can’t see it, but I’m sure she knows what I’m doing. I don’t think twice before I answer with all sincerity.

“I miss you too.”

She seems to melt all over and gets tricky when we need to say goodbye. My hands are sweaty and my heart is racing; I feel like I could kiss her right now. I don’t remember feeling something like that for anyone before, and with her everything seems more intense. I like it and I’m afraid at the same time.

But it’s like my dad said to me once, that we need the courage to like a person, and I will have the courage to like Lisa. There is nothing else I want, besides that.

[…]

Almost finished setting up the dinner table, I look at the clock on the wall and realize that it is a little late from the usual dinner, as it is almost eight at night. I was about to take out my cell phone and call Lisa when the front door was opened and loud voices filled the house. The smile is automatic; I couldn’t stand being alone anymore.

“I can’t believe I’m smelling quesadillas!”

“Yes mama! With a lot of cheese the way you wanted it.”

I approach Lisa to greet her with a good night kiss, but I’m stopped by the impact of that little being on my legs. I smile at my son, bending down to hug him.

“I missed you very much, mommy. Did you miss me?”

His English has improved a lot, despite the heavy accent, but in any case it makes my heart flutter hearing it.

“Yes, honey, I missed you very much too. I love you very much.”

“I love you very much, mommy.”

“You guys have some of that love for me too? I feel excluded.”

Louis and I exchanged looks before we broke into a huge smile and grabbed Lisa, him around her waist because of his height, and me wrapping around her neck. Did I say she looks really cute when she gets dramatic?

“Mama, you have all our love in the world. Forever.”

Louis says in Korean this time, as much as he is evolving, he still doesn’t feel secure in having a whole conversation in English, and I don’t see any problem, little by little he will adapt.

“Wash your hands and come to eat while they are still hot. I made chicken and steak quesadillas, with a lot of cheese.”

Lisa and Louis celebrate together with a funny touch of hands before heading to the small bathroom in the hall to wash their hands. I finish packing up, and soon they come back for dinner. We sat at the table, and soon my son started talking about the day he had. I look at her and see her concentrating on what the little one says, even without stopping to eat her dinner.

It’s beautiful the sparkle in her eyes when looking at Louis, I think it is the cutest and most adorable thing in the world. When we are young we never imagine scenes like this, and if I could imagine in the past, Manoban being a mother, I would certainly not come close to what reality really is.

Excellent person, excellent mother, excellent wife. Each day I can only admire more and discover new qualities in Lisa.

Really, it is inevitable to fall in love with her.

Louis asked the two of us to put him to sleep, and I obviously would never refuse such requests, and I’m sure neither will she. We squeezed into the little boy’s bed and we both caressed and told meaningless stories until he fell asleep, which didn’t take long. Lisa once commented that since he was born he rarely gave trouble to sleep, just put him in bed and caress his chin that everything was fine.

Do you know something funny? Lisa has this same habit, if you caress her chin, she just goes out in seconds.

“I haven’t seen our wedding album yet, where is it? We had one, right?”

I comment as soon as I come back from the bathroom and sit on the bed, I was doing my hygiene before going to bed. Lisa, who is in the closet, takes a few seconds before leaving with a white album with colorful stripes in the middle in her hands. You don’t have to think too hard to know that it is a LGBT flag. It makes me laugh.

“Did you marry a photographer addicted to taking pictures of everything and really thought that we didn’t have a wedding album?”

“But it shouldn’t have been you who photographed us, it would be kind of impossible, right?”

She laughs and nods, sitting down next to me and handing me the photo album.

“We argued during the party because I really wanted to take some pictures, and you were outraged that I was choosing the cameras instead of standing by you.”

“I seemed to be… well…”

“Bossy? Yes, you were always extremely bossy.”

“Seriously?”

I open the album and on the front page there is a very beautiful picture of us, Lisa is sitting in a chair looks more like a queen’s throne, and I am in her lap, with my head on her shoulder, looking at her face.

“Very serious, but I always liked it, especially when you were bossy in bed.”

My eyes almost pop out of their sockets when I hear that, she is looking at the photo in a natural way, as if she had not just finished being naughty.

“You do it on purpose, don’t you?”

“What? Quote our sex life? Yes, it is completely normal. I always really liked the fact that you always said what you wanted and how you wanted it, and if it wasn’t good, you had it done in a way that would stay.”

I don’t answer her; I just look at the album and move on to the next photo. This next one is a photo composed of friends and family, we are at the center of that crowd, all with huge smiles raising their glasses that contain something that appears to be sparkling.

“I liked this photo, it looks natural.”

I admire with a photo of us, where we are a little further away from everyone, she has her hands on my waist and I hold her shoulders, with her head thrown back, seeming to enjoy something.

“This is always one of your favorites, because it was really natural, I was telling you jokes. We didn’t even know that the photographer was taking pictures of us at the time.”

“It is very beautiful.”

“It really is. I was very concerned that they would all look beautiful.”

“Why am I sure you were on top of the party photography team all the time?”

I glance sideways at Lisa and see her smirk, as if she’s taking the blame.

“You can’t blame me for wanting the best. It was one of our happiest days, everything had to be perfect.”

In the next photo, the first thing that strikes me is the brightness in our eyes, the complicit smiles. Wow! We look so happy.

“I always thought this style of photo was a very beautiful thing.”

I comment, analyzing the photo where she is lifting me off the floor by the waist and I hold her on her shoulders, we are exchanging looks and smiles. It is a really beautiful photo.

“It was your idea to take a picture like that. I thought it would look beautiful and it really did, but how could it not? Look at that beautiful couple.”

She plays and I roll my eyes, pushing her by the shoulders. We continued talking and looking at all the photos, the most remarkable thing about me in all of them was the happiness and passion stamped on the look, on my face, as if I shone, exuding all feelings for that woman, that moment. I feel a momentary pain when I realize that I may never remember all of this, but looking away and seeing Lisa’s smile makes me have the strength to create new memories with her.

“Do you miss the old Roseanne?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean; Roseanne that you were in love and would die of love with.”

“But you are the Roseanne that I am in love with and would die of love.”

“Yes, I say… about the past. I know we’re starting over, but don’t you miss how things were? With me reciprocating your feelings completely, being by your side in the way that I know you want.”

Lisa finally seems to understand what I’m getting at, she sighs and settles on the bed, at that moment it looks a little uncomfortable. But it just so happens that I need to know more about how she’s feeling with all of this. I don’t know if she expects me to go back to how I was before, because we know that there are chances that it will never happen.

“Roseanne, I’ll be very honest with you, it has not been easy, but the fact that we are getting along again reassures me more. Can you imagine what it is like to spend years with a person, build a life with them and then everything just disappear from their memory as if it were magic? I have been working hard not to freak out and not to let you freak out.”

“I didn’t think that way, I imagined that things were difficult, but not that much.”

“Hey, rest assured, everything is settling down little by little.” She holds my hands and looks me straight in the eye, wanting to reassure me. “At first I felt like I could explode and freak out any minute, but I decided to calm down and wait. Everything has its time, and something inside me has always known that things would come together in one way or another.”

“I am less worried about knowing that we are getting everything right little by little.”

“Yes, me too. When you woke up that day and I became aware of the rudeness and your desire to leave me, it felt like I was trapped in a tiny glass box, watching a wave take over everything without being able to save me or save you.”

By reflex I clasp our joined hands, and close my eyes as I pull them against my chest, feeling tight because I remember how stupid I was with her in the beginning.

“Sorry for the rudeness. I would never hurt you with intention, it was all so difficult.”

“It’s okay now, you don’t need to blame yourself anymore. What’s passed has passed. We are beginning to understand each other again. At the moment I do not miss the old Roseanne, I am delighted to know this improved version.”

Hearing her say that is like taking a ton off my shoulders. My biggest fear, even though we were starting over, was that she would miss and hope to have the old Roseanne back. I don’t want to hurt or disappoint her anymore, mainly because I am aware that I may never remember anything again. And just as she is getting to know a new version of me, I am having the privilege of meeting a new Lisa for me.

I need to confess that the more I know Lisa, the more I like her. I’m loving getting to know her better, and also allowing her to get to know me.

It’s funny how things happen, and even without realizing, in such a short time, I knew somehow that we would be important to each other, something inside me always knew, and will always know that she is my person.
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