Dina

The bed was still empty when I woke up. I don't know what I expected, for it to be a dream? My neck hurt, actually, my entire body hurt from being curled around the Qu'ran all night. I miss him, I missed him terribly and I wished that yesterday never happened. An image of him coming through the door and taking me into a hug made its way to my mind and the tears appeared again. I don't know when I fell asleep, but I woke up with a wet pillowcase and here I was crying again.

How can it be that in only a few months he becomes such a vital part of my existence? I'm craving him. The knowledge that he spent the night somewhere else, mad at me, ate me alive. I wanted to call him, fix this. But when I checked my phone and saw that he made no attempt to contact me, I turned the phone off and forced myself off the bed. Praying would help.

Praying didn't help. We always prayed the first prayer of the day together. Doing it alone just tore at the hole in my heart. I sat on the prayer rug, thinking of what to do. Nothing came to mind. So I showered, got dressed, and caught the bus to school. Sitting at home all day won't make it any better.

The day dragged on and flew by all in one. He wasn't there to pick me up, so Amity drove me home. She knew something was wrong. She practically pounced when she saw my bandaged hand. Her questioning didn't stop until I snapped at her and made her drive away. An empty house greeted me, and I reluctantly walked into the kitchen because my body needed food. The dining table was still as we left it last night, and the sight brought tears to my eyes. What if he doesn't come home?

As soon as the thought crossed my mind I froze. He drove somewhere last night, he drove with anger! What if something happened? What if that was the last time I saw him? All the worst case scenarios filled my head and I was paralyzed in fear. This is my punishment, for being so cruel. I was really harsh and now I might not ever see him again.

I ran to pray the prayers I missed during class. After I finished, I'd call Aladdin and ask him if he heard from Farouz. Hopefully he's okay. Inshallah he is. He has to be.

There was no need to call. As soon as I stepped out of my prayer skirt, the front door opened. My feet raced one another to the door, and there he was. Still in his work clothes from yesterday. All wrinkled and battered. He hadn't shaved since yesterday morning, the already growing beard caused him to look even more unsettled. His hair stuck out at random places, and his tired eyes were glued to the ground. The spot where half the vase and a trash bin stood, untouched. I've been ignoring them as best as I could.

When he heard me, his head snapped up. Eyes bloodshot and wide. Farouz opened his mouth, then closed it. We stood, in silence, for a very long time. The clock ticked, every second an hour away. Then his red eyes trailed down to my left hand and he inhaled sharply. "You're hurt," his voice scratched from lack of use. But those words were still enough to shake me.

A sob ripped through me and my eyes blurred. I tried as hard as I could to hold myself together, but all the emotions I'd been bottling coursed through me and I had no control. My mouth opened, trying to say something, but all I did was sob.

His long legs carried him to me in three long strides, and I was in his embrace. Farouz held me as tight as his tired arms could muster and I held onto him with all my strength. I didn't want to let go, and he had to pry me off in order to look at my hand. "How bad is it?" his tired voice asked. But I didn't have the strength reply. So he unwrapped the bandage and, when the gash was exposed, closed his eyes. "This is my fault." I shook my head no. This isn't his fault, it's me, this is all me. "It's from the vase, I did this."

"Alhamdulillah," I forced out, my voice raspy, "it's not anyone's fault this was meant to happen."

"No," his voice was sharp, "it shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have lost my temper like that. I'm sorry, Dina."

My lip trembled, and I said, "I'm sorry too, I started it."

Farouz kissed my forehead, and without a word, lead me to the bathroom. He hoisted me onto the sink, unpacked the first aid kit and bandaged my hand again. "Does it hurt?" I shook my head no. He placed his palms down on the sink, trapping me between his arms just as he stood between my legs. Farouz hung his head with a slow sigh. "Do you... " his jaw twitched, and he took a calming breath, "do you want to talk about it? About last night? I can do that, if it's what you want."

We have to talk about it, normalcy won't be achieved until we do. But for now, I just wanted to ignore it, to be with him. "Not right now," my voice was barely above a whisper. He visibly relaxed at my reply. Hesitantly, I lifted my hand to his bearded cheek. Farouz closed his eyes and leaned towards my touch.

"I don't ever want to spend a night away from you again," my husband whispered before crashing his lips onto mine. There was a new hunger, and a feverish aggressiveness coming from the both of us. His hands slid down my body and mine tugged on his hair as the kiss deepened. I missed him, I missed every inch of him and I needed him now. This time I was the first to pull away, causing him to groan in annoyance. But I buried my face in his scratchy neck and kissed his skin, his complaints stopped. He tugged on my shirt, playing with the top button and muttered, "room."

He carried me blindly to the room, and we collapsed on each other. Without a doubt, we were both hungry, we were both tired. But he needed me as much as I needed him, and nothing else mattered.

***

Farouz kissed each knuckle on my wounded hand, then swiftly planted a small kiss on my nose. My face warmed up, and I curled into the blankets, which caused him to laugh. "You're so cute," Farouz scooted closer, his fingers pushing my hair out of my face.

I bit my lip to suppress a smile, then, without thinking, I blurted, "you're not still mad at me are you?"

His smile dropped, and he scooted his head further away from me in order to read my face. "What makes you think that?"

Regret filled my chest, and suddenly I felt heavy again, "I... I don't know. I just don't want you to be mad at me."

Farouz pulled me so close I could feel the heat radiating off his body, and my face reddened again. "Dina look at me," he placed two fingers under my chin and forced my eyes to his. "I could never be... I could never stay mad at you."

"So you were mad."

"Of course I was mad," his voice was gentle, soft, soothing, but I still tried looking away from him. However, we were laying down, so there weren't many places my eyes could go, and they ended up gazing back into his. "I'm not going to lie, obviously I was mad. But... mostly I was hurt, and that transferred to anger because I didn't know how to deal with it." His thumb rubbed circles onto my back as he spoke, keeping me calm. "I didn't... I still don't know how to act when someone brings up my past. Even you. And you- I felt like you were ignoring how much pain the whole thing was causing me. Which I know isn't true, I wasn't thinking straight. I was confused, and that made me angrier. So I lashed out, and," Farouz inhaled, closing his eyes for a moment, "and I scared you. So I left. Because I didn't know how to deal with that. For a long time I was angry at you, then I was angry at myself because of what I did." He paused for a really long time, I started to think he was expecting me to say something when he spoke up again, "I'm damaged, Dina."

My eyes snapped to his when he said that, and I could see the hesitance in his eyes. This was a new form of honesty for him, and he wasn't comfortable with it. But he pushed on nevertheless, for me. "You need to know that," Farouz continued. "My past left me with scars that still haven't healed, scars I don't even know how to heal. I don't know if I'll ever get over it, if I'll ever heal. That's why I was so reluctant to marry."

That caught me by surprise, I never knew he was hesitant about that. "What?"

"I didn't want to burden anyone with my life. I didn't want to drag an innocent muslimah into the mess I created because I'm too much bad. I'm too much darkness and no woman deserves that, no woman deserves an incomplete spouse who can't even take care of his own problems. You'd have been better o-"

"Stop," my voice came out clearer and sharper than I imagined. "Don't say that, you don't get to decide what's best for me. I'm very capable of doing that myself. I know what I signed up for, I know you have baggage. I have some stuff I haven't sorted out too. But that's why I need you, and that's why you need me. Allah created everyone a spouse that will complete them and strengthen their faith; eventually walking into heaven with them. That means I take all of those scars, and it's my job to bandage them. I do deserve you Farouz, because I've been a good Muslim all my life and I deserve the best."

He said nothing. His fingers had stopped their circular movement sometime during my talking. Now, the back of his fingers gingerly touched my face, and made their way down to my neck. Then again, but this time he wove his fingers into my hair, massaging my scalp as his eyes remained on mine. "You're too pure for me."

A laugh escaped from my mouth, "pure, that's such a...vague word."

"Vague huh? Well we can discuss specifics tomorrow. You look sleepy." I yawned as he said that, Farouz' arm snaked around my torso and a laugh vibrated in his chest. "I told you, you're too cute."

Cuddling closer to him, I let sleep take me. Thankful for his body next to mine, filling the bed meant for two. I remembered how scared I felt last night, but now, next to him, I could sleep soundly, feeling safe.

A/N: so the last chapter spurred up a lot of emotions.. I had a friend who read up to this point and had a LOT to say about Farouz (she's very angry with him)

What are your thoughts?? I'm really curious! Do you still like him? Hate him? Should they have talked more? What's gonna happen next??

The reads went up by 60 since I updated last! Can be take it to 1k this week?? It would mean the WOLRD

Dedicated to @crazyme_97 because I've really been enjoying your comments lately.. thank you!!

Alright, see you guys next Friday! Don't forget to vote :)

~Nehal