AN:Overall trigger warning for death, car crash, drinking, and angst.i hope you enjoy!!You still remember the day like it was yesterday, you had been at work when you got the call, the words you never wanted to hear, "Joseph's been in an accident,". Erina's voice was trembling, you couldn't even say anything. Joseph and Caesar had been out on a road trip to visit a mutual friend in Georgia, they said they'd only be a few days.You aren't sure much of what happened next, you just know you left work immediately and got into your car and went straight to the hospital. You were blinded by adrenaline, you didn't know the health status of your loved one or of your closest friend. When you got there you couldn't even cry, you just asked Erina directions and you ran. Upon asking the lady at the front desk you ran to the room where Joseph was. You got the news of minimal damage, he had a few scrapes and bruises and was just out for now. You were relieved, you turned to Erina and Speedwagon "Where's Caesar?" you saw their faces drop, and so did your heart. You looked back to Joseph and then back to them, "No.. you don't mean," Erina closed her eyes and nodded softly. You sat in the chair next to Joseph's bed and held his hand. You wanted to cry, God knows you do but you had to be strong for Joseph and you knew this. "We'll give you some privacy, (Y/N).." and with that, Speedwagon closed the door after Erina followed him out, leaving you and Joseph alone. You began to cry, holding Joseph's hand tightly. Crying because you were scared, your best friend died, you didn't even know if Joseph knew and how that would affect him. "Why are you holding my hand so tightly, dear?" Your head shot up in surprise. That night was filled with his smart remarks and light hearted attitude, doctors made sure to check for head injuries and said he was good to go in the morning. You remember the deafening silence driving home and looking at his bruised face with those butterfly bandages. I guess at the time he had noticed as well, so he reached for the dial on the radio and turned it up a little. Your phone had been connected from earlier where a song you often listened too when sad played, 'i love you very much forever' by Horse Jumper of Love. Joseph knew about that much when he heard the lyrics 'Don't say a word I'd like to feel a little bit of your destruction'. He tried with the quick remarks but suddenly you pulled over. It was 6AM so it wasn't quite light outside. You sat your head against the steering wheel and cried, he stared at you with a pained look you had never seen in your life. "How are you okay?" you asked, you felt insensitive when reflecting but it was a shocking enough question to get him to tell the truth rather than lie. "Truth it, I'm not, I don't want to think about it just yet. It hurts, (Y/N), it hurts so bad." You look up to see him facing you in all seriousness and tears in his eyes. It's nights like these when you reflect on that morning. It's been two months since, he had to call in sick to Caesar's funeral, Caesar's siblings gifted him the headband Caesar often wore but he just threw it in a spare closet. He had often borrowed Caesar's clothing, so he had put the shirts in a box and all the pictures of him as well. You've looked at every website asking how to help a loved one grieve with losing a friend, you've tried a lot, and not that Joseph was causing you any grief. You just felt awful. It was about 9 P.M. now, usually you two would have been asleep by now. You were curious as to what he had been doing because he hadn't crawled into bed yet. You sat up and rubbed your eyes, a soft yawn leaving your lips. Your feet hit the ground as you walk over to the cracked bedroom door and you see Joseph sitting on the ground. "Baby, what are you doing?" You then realized that he was sitting in the closet, the same box from months ago, now open. He looked up at you with teary eyes, wine next to him. A completely different bottle from hours earlier, God knows how much he's drank. "Hey, Joseph, come on let's get to bed," he slumps over and stares at you. "I love you so much, (Y/N)," you freeze, he hasn't said that in weeks, you don't blame him for that at all though. "I love you too, now come on, let's get to bed." he slumps over a bit but nods his head in agreement. You lean down to help him up but he's pushing himself to the ground so you stop. "It's uh..- It's Caesarrr we'vegotta help himm," he drunkenly slurs and lifts his finger towards the box containing everything pertaining to Caesar. You let him down and crouch down next to him. "Okay, baby.." you pick up the shirts he tore out of the box and begin to fold them, you place them in the box and place the pictures of him in there, you grab his headband and take one last look before wrapping it up and placing it on top of all. You wince when you sit the lid on it all. Joseph solemnly stares at the box, you're not one to pause a grieving process but he needed to sleep and sober up. You once again try to pull him up but he was just 200 pounds of dead weight in your arms, you clumsily drag him to bed and he crawls up there on his own. You text your boss that you have to take tomorrow off due to personal reasons. You lift the sheets over him and yourself and stare out the window of your guys apartment. He puts his arm around your waist and cuddles up to you, his head in the crook of your neck.He sobs quietly.And you let him, for he doesn't do it enough.You kiss his forehead.