tw: panic attacks and a mentioned eating disorder.  
unedited.

——

bill's class ended and he began walking down the stairs. he had sat at the very back of the room meaning he was the last one out.

"bill," his professor stopped him, "can i please talk to you for a second?"
"sure."

bill followed him over to his desk. dr porter pulled out his laptop and opened bill's draft.

"this draft you handed me, was outstanding. especially this part where you wrote about the main character getting double crossed. i hate to think anyone has hurt you that bad," he chuckled, "next lesson, you don't have to do anything. this is good enough for me to mark. just come, i'll mark you down as here and then you can do whatever you want."
"th-thank you, dr porter."
"my pleasure, you got a gift, kid."

bill smiled and said goodbye to him. he left and his smile dropped. the part his professor was proud of was the part he'd used all his emotions from what happened with mike to write. before mike, bill had never felt heartbreak, he'd never even been slightly interested in anyone. he chewed on his tongue as he slipped his laptop into his back and slung it over his shoulder.

he hadn't talked to mike all week. mike had texted him asking if he wanted to talk, but he ignored it. he didn't want to talk to mike. he didn't feel like having his heartbroken all over again. bill thought he could just get over it and that it was just a silly crush, but he'd been thinking about mike all week. he couldn't stop.

it was just the small things he'd think about. like the time he'd met mike because they accidentally hit each other while riding on their bikes or when mike used to secretly slip fries onto bill's plate when he had a problem eating food so he'd eat more (not that bill found out until years later). the small things lingered and never seemed to leave.

bill clutched the straps of his backpack and hung his head low. he sped towards his dorm, not wanting to talk to anyone. he just wanted to sleep. while he was walking, he bumped into someone and jumped back. bill looked up to see mike standing there.

"bill..." mike looked sad.

he didn't reply. he just stepped to the side and carried on walking.

"bill, wait!"
"what d-do you want?" bill turned around and almost yelled.
"can we talk?"
"wh-what could you p-possibly say th-that would change anything? everything we h-had is all g-gone. and it's m-my fault, j-just leave me a-alone."

bill could see the obvious hurt in his face, but he just wanted to get away. mike was about to say something, but before he could, bill had already turned away and carried on walking towards his dorm building.

he glanced back at mike who was still standing there. bill frowned and carried on walking. a tear fell down his cheek. he wiped it and put in the code for his building. he ran up the stairs and sprinted into his dorm.

he shut and locked the door behind him. he pressed his back to the door and started hyperventilating he felt the walls closing in around him as he sunk down and dug his fingers into his hair. he started sweating and rocking forwards and back.

"holy shit, bill," eddie stood, "calm down, it's okay."
"can't...breathe..."
"you're just having a panic attack, you're okay. breathe with me, okay?"

bill nodded and continued sobbing.

"in," eddie breathed in and bill tried to copy him, "out. in. out."

bill's breaths were shaky, but in time with eddie's. eventually they evened out and eddie was able to stop him from shaking. he was still crying, but not as bad as before.

"what happened?"
"i s-saw mike."
"yeah he just got back from ben's mother's funeral. what happened when you saw him?"
"i told h-him to l-leave me alone."
"it didn't feel right, did it?"

bill stopped looking at his knees and made eye contact with eddie.

"i c-can't stop th-thinking about him...i d-dont want him out of m-my life. a-all i've ever kn-known is him...i th-think— i think i l-love him. i think i al-always have...when we met wh-when we were l-little...i think i l-loved him then too."

eddie grabbed his hand and squeezed it.

"he wants to talk to you, yeah?"

bill nodded.

"you should take him up in his offer. even if it's just over text."
"maybe."
"promise me you'll text or call him."
he took a shaky breath, "i promise."

——

bill laid down hugging his blanket. it was the middle of the night and he could hear eddie snoring across the room. bill couldn't sleep. all he could think about, as always, was mike.

he thought about how it felt to have mike's arms around his waist. how it felt to have him hold his jawline as he kissed him softly. how it felt to have him pressing him down against his mattress. how it felt to just be with him. every touch they shared was tender and loving, even if they are just holding hands or sitting with their legs on each other's. everything they shared was so special to bill and he didn't know why it was nothing to mike.

"okay, fuck, marry, kill, chris hemsworth, sebastian stan and jeremy renner."
"kill renner," bill smirked, "obviously. f-fuck chris hemsworth and m-marry sebastian stan."
"justify your choices."
"jeremy r-renner is gross. h-have you h-heard the way he t-talks about scarlett johansson?"
"unfortunately i have."
"chris hemsworth is h-hot, b-but already m-married."
"you'd be a mistress?"
"yeah, b-but would i really be one if sh-she didn't find out?"

mike rolled his eyes, but smiled.

"sebastian stan is a n-nice person and i f-feel like he's be a good f-family man, plus h-he can speak romanian."
"he can speak romanian? really? that's a swaying factor?"
"yeah, have y-you heard him talk in r-romanian?"
"yeah."
"then you kn-know how good it s-sounds."

mike laughed and smiled at bill.

"i do know how it sounds."

bill's eyes fluttered and a tear fell into his pillow. and pushed himself up onto his side and raced for his earphones in his bedside table. he plugged them into his phone and opened spotify. his mind wandered back to the night with mike in the back of his truck. the way mike smiled at him and sung to always by bon jovi. he didn't understand why mike liked bon jovi so much, but he did and he made bill like it too.

bill searched up always in the search bar and pressed on the song. he put the earphones in his ears and then put the song on loop. he laid down and closed his eyes. bill let himself drift off to sleep with the memory of mike lingering in the back of his mind.