"When are you going to drop that mask?"

I felt the smile on my face falter before quickly returning, "Mask? I'm sorry but I don't know what you mean?" I asked, trying to feign ignorance.

She stood up, her eyes piercing through my lies, "Don't play dumb with me. You may be able to fool the others but not me, I've seen your type before."

For a moment I had thought about feigning ignorance once more but it was pointless. She had clearly already seen through me and was confident enough about it to directly confront me about it.

I quickly scanned the area, there were too many people here, I couldn't risk dropping my mask here. "I'll talk to you about it somewhere more private, there's too many people!" I laughed, trying to get the nearby students to ignore her.

"Fine; Do anything stupid and I'll have you immediately expelled." She said.

Sure...

We made our way to the rooftop of the dorm building, I hadn't even got the chance to drop off my groceries. The walk there was silent, not a single word was spoken to each other.

"Now, explain yourself." She demanded.

Sending as though we were finally alone, I allowed my mask to drop, "What's there to explain?" I asked, my voice devoid of any emotion.

I could see Horikitas eyes widened as she saw my apathetic face and monotone voice , "I want to know why? What do you gain in manipulating those around you with a fake personality?" She questioned.

"Horikita, did you complete Crime and Punishment?" I asked.

My sudden question caught her off guard, "What does that have to do wit-"

I cut her off, "Just answer my question and I'll answer yours." I told her.

She sighed before answering, "Yes, I finished it."

I nodded slightly hearing her answer, I hesitated before answering, contemplating how to weave my explanation. "Raskolnikov's justification for his actions - he held a belief that he was an extraordinary man, one that sits above the law. A deeply flawed belief but it was a reflection of the internal struggle and conflict. He was disconnected from his own emotions due to the stress and guilt of the situation had lit himself in, in many ways he was trying to prove something to himself." I started.

Horikita frowned but her eyes told me she was curious, "In what way does that relate to you? How is it relevant at all?" She questioned.

I looked out over the beautiful campus, meticulously choosing my words, "In some ways, I'm like Raskolnikov. Detached from my own emotions, unable to feel what is my innate human right to feel. But unlike him, I don't care to prove anything to anyone or to myself - My mask or facade, whatever you may call it, is my way of trying to connect with what I've lost. To understand emotions that I can only mimic but not feel."

Her eyes narrowed and rightfully so, many people would be skeptical if someone told them that they couldn't feel emotions.

"You're pretending to be someone else to regain your emotions?" She asked.

I nodded again, "If that's how you want to put it. This act of a false persona is to immerse myself in emotions that I've lost, it's to close the gap between emotionless and emotional." I started.

I let out a small sigh before continuing, "It isn't manipulation for manipulations sake, it's a means to an end. I'm hoping to mimic these emotions for long enough that eventually I won't have to mimic them as I'll be able to feel what's rightfully mine."

As I spoke I could see the gears in her head turning, every word of mine and every sentence was carefully calculated all for the future. I had a reason for revealing this part of myself, in fact I had two reasons for it. I had planted a small seed of trust and curiosity inside of Horikitas mind. She would be less likely to make any attempt to expose me if she believed my actions all had a deeper meaning. She may be a cold person but she isn't emotionless, subconsciously her mind will turn away from exposing me all because she had seen this 'vulnerable' side of mine.

The second reason was to set the stage for the future, any inconsistencies in my words or actions will be overlooked because of this conversation. If she suspected there were any oddities or problems with my behavior she'll attribute it to me having emotional turmoil rather than seeing any larger plans I may have.

Horikitas expression softened but her eyes still told me she was wary, "You believe this is the best way to regain your emotions?" She questioned.

I shrugged before answering, "If you have any suggestions I'll hear them out." I told her.

She shook her head, "No, I'm not familiar with any situation like this. If I was in your spot I may have done the same thing you did."

"Are you content with this conversation?" I asked.

She sat down on a bench that was overlooking the campus, "Ayanokouji, I'm not entirely sure why I feel how I do, but if you need assistance involving your emotions... feel free to contact me." She said.

I felt my eyes widen hearing her sentence, I vastly underestimated the power of human empathy. This was extremely out of character for Horikita but it seemed that the emotional side of her had realized how horrible it would be to have no emotions, to feel nothing at all.

"Thanks, I appreciate it." I told her.

She turned to face me and pointed a finger at me, "Don't mistake my kindness for a pass to do whatever you want. If I find out you're planning or doing anything wrong I will expose you."

"Yeah, I expected as much." I said.

Shortly after, Horikita had left the rooftop, presumably to drop off her groceries and organize her dorm.

As I made my way back down the steps of the building I felt the weight of my mask being put back on, I smiled at every student I passed and kept a kind expression on my face.

Approaching the worker in the lobby I put a smile on my face and called out, "Excuse me, can I have my dorm key?"

The worker looked up from their desk with a smile, "Of course! I just need your name and you'll be good!"

"Ayanokouji Kiyotaka." I told her.

She typed a few things in her computer and handed me a green key card and a pamphlet, "Your room is 401, have a nice day!"

"Thanks! You too!" I exclaimed with a smile.

Arriving in front of my dorm I couldn't help but think about the irony of the number '401'. Due to my father's high expectations and lack of care for his own son, I was the first student enrolled in the fourth generation, hence I was named 'Subject 401'. When other children were enrolled that number was given to the best student and when I rose to the top I was once again given that title. The number '401' wasn't just a number but rather a mark of my supposed superiority. My own dorm number will unfortunately serve as a constant reminder of my past.

With a sigh of relief I pushed open the door and entered the room. I set my groceries on the counter, taking the toiletries out of the bag and putting them in their respective spots in the bathroom. My room itself was around 8 tatami mats wide, it had a kitchen and eating area and a bathroom. It was essentially a fully functional apartment, and based off the pamphlet I was given we didn't have to pay for any utilities. The school was being extremely generous in the living aspect, I was assuming we were going to have to pay for electricity, water, and other basic utilities.

'Ring'

'Ring'

Matsuhitas calling me, most likely to ask about if I'm done or not.

'Click'

'Hey Matsuhita, what's up?'

The faint sound of Karuizawas voice yelled out, 'Hurry up!'

'Sorry about Karuizawa. We just wanted to know if you were done yet?'

'Yeah I just put my stuff away; Where am I meeting you all?'

'Uhhm, just at the front of the mall and I'll come get you.'

'Okay sounds great! I'll see you then.'

'Click'

This is so draining.

Leaving my dorm and heading to the mall I put a smile on my face, waving to those around me and greeting everyone who greeted me. As I approached the front of the mall I could already hear the noise of the students. The atmosphere was lively and filled with excitement from other first years.

"Over here, Ayanokouji!" Matsuhitas voice called out.

Turning to the direction of the voice I saw Matsuhita waving her hand around to catch my attention. She had a warm smile on her face and was donning new clothes, "Glad you could make it." She said.

I gave her a small smile, "Sorry it took so long! You already got new clothes?" I asked, motioning towards her.

"Yup, and cause you weren't with us we're gonna get to play dress up with you!"  She said with a teasing smirk.

We started walking through the mall and Matsuhita filled me in on the stuff that had happened. Karuizawa and Sato had apparently already blown through 20 thousand points while Shinohara spent 15 thousand points, and Hirata had to carry the many bags.

I let out a small laugh hearing this, "So how much did you spend?" I asked.

"Not too much, I only got two outfits!" She laughed.

"There they are!" Karuizawas voice called out.

Turning around I saw the rest of the group and like Matsuhita described it, Hirata was carrying more than 15 bags.

As we joined them Karuizawa immediately took charge, her eyes glowing with excitement, "Alright girls, let's see what we can do with Ayanokouji!" She exclaimed, dragging me into a nearby clothing store.

Matsuhita and Sato eagerly followed behind while Shinohara stayed a little further behind. Hirata just gave me an apologetic smile, "Looks like you're gonna have a fun makeover." He said with a chuckle.

Traitor, you were supposed to save me!

Inside the store Karuizawa and Sato wasted no time and started pulling off clothes from varying racks, shirts, jackets, sweatpants, and just about everything else you could imagine.

"Try this on," Karuizawa said, shoving a black sweater and white pants in my face. "And these!" Sato exclaimed, putting a jacket in my arms. Hirata stood off to the side with an amused smile and I headed to the dressing rooms to change into them.

I stepped out of the changing room to show the group, the group all let out approvals or compliments.

"That looks great!" Sato exclaimed.

"Aren't I great at picking outfits?" Karuizawa joked.

"Definitely an upgrade," Matsuhita said with a wink.

"You look great!" Shinohara complimented.

Hirata nodded in agreement, "Yeah, you should get those." He said.

Hirata then walked up to me, "You're taking half." He said before dropping seven bags of clothes on me.

We eventually made our way out of the store and continued throughout the mall, I had made a quick stop at an electronic store to get headphones. After that we had gone to a cafe.

After ordering and sitting down Matsuhita turned towards me, "So, everyone, what are you looking forwards to this year?"

Karuizawa answered first,"I'm so excited for all the clothes gonna get!"

"What about clubs?" Shinohara asked.

Hirata joined in, "I'm joining soccer; Ayanokouji didn't you mention student council?" He asked, the group turned towards me, waiting for my answer.

I let out a small laugh before answering, "Yeah, I might not get in though!" I exclaimed.

"Don't say that, I'm sure you'll get in!" Karuizawa told me.

As the day went by and we all eventually separated I was met with an irritating realization.

This is gonna be exhausting..

AN

Word count: 2020

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