Chapter ten

"I do not really know whether I have survived.

My inner self has shut itself up more and more.

As though to protect itself, it has become inaccessible

even to me,"

-Rainer Maria Rilke

*

"I will not die, I'll wait here for you

I feel alive when you're beside me

I will not die, I'll wait here for you

In my time of dying."

-Time of dying, Three Days Grace

*

Dear Oliver,

I fall as easily as I rise.

It seems sometimes that the only way to get through the day is to just close my eyes and repeat: I hope, I hope, I hope.

Hope will carry me through, or that's what it promises it'll do. I don't know. It feels like no matter how much I hope, I always come back to square one.

Afraid of the future, lonely, and starving for something that I cannot put a name to. Love, perhaps; or maybe connection is a more accurate term. I've become so isolated. I speak so little that I hardly recognize my voice when I use it.

But people are so vibrant and at times, I think I pale in comparison to them. They're full of life and passion, dreams and wishes. I can barely gather my thoughts to make a sentence, even just aloud to myself.

Am I even human? Do I live, or am I a spirit that has merely taken up residence on earth?

But if someone could see me, like you saw me, and we could connect, I think I would be able to do more than just hope. I think I could live.

Love,

B

*

The car ride to the movie theater was a silent one.

And horribly awkward.

My mind was having trouble catching up and adapting to all these versions of Bennett; the one that was too relaxed at his dad's funeral, the one who shared a piece of red velvet cake with me, and now the one who wouldn't even look at me.

Granted, he was driving, so keeping his eyes on the road wasn't a bad thing. That's what I told myself as I sat in the passenger seat, once again clutching my purse like a lifeline.

It's not because he hates you, I told myself. He just has to watch for dangerous drivers.

"So, what's the movie called?" I asked, finally unable to take any more silence. "The one we're going to watch."

He listed off a title that sounded like an action movie, and didn't say anything else.

"Are your friends going to be okay with me coming along?" I asked awkwardly.

"It's not like there's anything we can do about it," was his clipped response.

I was already dreading meeting Bennett's friends, but having to deal with his bad attitude was making my eye twitch. He had been almost...sweet. And now he was acting like a jerk.

We pulled into the movie theater parking lot and my heart dropped to my stomach. A group of people around my age were gathered in front of a couple of cars, talking amongst themselves. I recognized the two guys that Bennett had been talking to at the funeral yesterday, standing with them.

"I thought you said it was just two of your friends," I said, trying to keep my tone casual even as everything in me was telling me to run away.

"They must've asked the others to come along," Bennett replied, with a slight sigh. "They're all nice, don't worry."

Then, like he was annoyed with himself for the reassurance, he opened the car door with a little more force than necessary and jumped out.

I had no choice but to follow suit, my feet already starting to hurt when they hit the uneven road in Amelia's sneakers. Bennett walked ahead of me, greeting his friends, before turning around with an impatient look.

And I felt it dawn on me, the realization that I was a burden to him right now. It swept across my brow, down my hair, and settled on my shoulders. It was the worst kind of feeling, and I didn't think it would leave anytime soon.

"Everyone, this is Isabella, she's gonna join us for the movie," he announced, gesturing towards me in a vague motion.

Four friendly pairs of eyes turned to me, all at once and I nervously waved. It wasn't the coolest thing to do after being introduced to someone, but having that much attention focused on me nearly made me nauseous.

"Isabella, I'm Miguel," a guy with curly black hair and bronzed golden skin said, reaching out to shake my hand. "It's nice to meet you."

"Yeah, you too," I replied, my words coming out too quickly. "Also, I prefer Bella, if that's okay."

"It's your name," he said with a chuckle, releasing my hand.

"Are you one of those people who don't like their full name?" another guy asked, his locs brushing his cheek as he tilted his head.

"Sort of, I guess," I responded, smiling.

"I hear that, Bella," he said, the umber brown skin around his eyes crinkling as he grinned, flashing pearly whites at me. "I'm Johnny, and this is my sister Kira."

"Nice to meet you both," I said, turning my gaze to a girl whose skin was the same shade as Jonny's. Her corkscrew shaped coils were put up into a styled puff, and her eyes were a deep shade of brown.

Kira extended her arms for a light hug, and I inhaled sweet-smelling perfume before she pulled back. "Hey, it's cool to have another new person in the group. I just got introduced to everyone a few weeks ago."

I could tell she was saying that to comfort me, and it actually worked a little.

The knowledge that someone else was new to these people made me feel less alone. I wondered why she hadn't been introduced earlier to everyone, since Johnny was her brother, but I didn't want to pry.

Bennett certainly wasn't trying to make things less awkward. I cast him a quick glance, but he was facing away from me, tapping his foot like he was ready to bolt.

"Thanks," I said to Kira, gratitude seeping through my tone. She flashed me a smile that was a lot like Johnny's.

"Aamira," I turned and saw the last person in the group, who was extending one delicate hand. Rays of sunlight glinted in her rich brown eyes, and speckled across her face, the shade of which was like warm copper. "Lovely to make your acquaintance, Bella. You're the childhood friend Bennett's told us about, aren't you?"

I slid my gaze over to Bennett for a second, but his expression didn't shift. "That's me," I answered, a little too brightly.

"We've wanted to meet you for a long time," she said, her elegant features shifting as a brief smile spread across her face. Aamira was taller than me, with a slender form that was covered head to toe in a pantsuit that I was sure was designer.

Something about her, from her name to her persona, just exuded wealth and status. Even though she wasn't bubbling over with friendliness, she didn't seem at all arrogant.

"I'm glad it's finally happened," I replied, clasping my hands together somewhat awkwardly.

Johnny said something about the movie being about to start, so we began to walk towards the theater.

I stayed beside Kira, listening while she and Aamira discussed the book they were reading together.

A part of me wanted to jump into the conversation and ask what book it was, but that wasn't something I usually did. They were nice people, the whole group was. I didn't need to get to know them extensively to know that.

Still, they were Bennett's friends. Not mine.

Not to mention, Bennett didn't like me very much right now. And I wasn't sure how much his friends would follow suit, or if they would at all.

We got our tickets and found which theater we were in, and the loud sounds from the previews hit me like a wrecking ball. Aside from having to share a room with dozens of other people, I didn't actually mind movie theaters.

No one could really see or hear me, which meant that I didn't have to worry about making the appropriate expressions so I didn't look like a person who hadn't really socialized in four years.

Even though that's exactly who I was.

People were just so...complicated. I tried to be careful and not miss any cues, smile when I was supposed to and not let my mind wander off, but it was difficult. And after a while, it wore me out. It made me feel as though I was acting like a different person.

I didn't have to do that with Bennett, or at least I didn't used to. He and I grew up together, and we spent nearly every day for years with each other. It was basically impossible for me to be anything other than my true self around him.

I wanted to change that. I had already started to. This summer, I would show him that I had changed completely from the person I used to be when we were best friends. I wanted him to realize that he didn't know me anymore.

Just like I didn't know him.

The movie began and I settled back into my seat, giving Aamira a small smile.

This would be Bennett and I's last time together; I wanted to make it count.

***

After the movie was over, we lingered in the parking lot for a few minutes talking. They talked, anyways, and I listened, wrapping my arms around myself.

The night was warm, hinting at the blazing summer days to come. But there was still a breeze that skirted across my shoulders and ruffled my hair.

I decided that if I ever tried to learn how to live among people, that Kira and Aamira would be excellent friends to have. If I ended up seeing more of them this summer, I wouldn't be unhappy.

"So, you're here for the whole summer, then?" Kira asked me. She and Aamira were turned to me with open, friendly faces. "Bennett texted Johnny about it and I was reading over his shoulder."
"You must be glad to be spending this time with him," Aamira said, her eyes glinting.

I hesitated before answering, debating on what I should say. Did I lie and act like Bennett and I were still the best of friends? Or did I go in with the truth and say I was tricked into coming here by my slightly delusional parents?

"Yes and no," I hedged, sliding a glance in Bennett's direction. He was a few cars over with Miguel and Johnny, talking about something that had him smiling. "It's been a while since I've seen Bennett, so I'm a little nervous on how the next few months are gonna go."

"Not to mention..." Kira started, then bit her lip.

Yeah. The one thing that made this a little more difficult than just two people who didn't know what to do with each other.

"Right," I replied, unable to stop myself from grimacing. "There's that."

"His loss affected us all," Aamira said gently, briefly placing a hand on my shoulder. "But I imagine for you, like with Bennett, it must be even more painful. You two grew up with him."

"Well, he was Bennett's father," I responded in a low voice. "Not mine. I mean, I liked him and all, but I-we-I hadn't seen him in a few years, anyway. Not to say I'm not sad, but I just...yeah."

They gave me sympathetic nods; you know, the ones people give you when they're trying to show you that they're listening and that you're not alone, and all that other stuff.

"I'm sure you and Bennett are confiding in each other, but if you ever need someone to talk to about it, I'm here," Aamira told me, her eyes warm.

"Same," Kira said firmly. "Why don't we exchange numbers? It'd be nice to have another girl to hang out with, since Aamira's always busy with social engagements."

"There are some obligations you just can't get out of," Aamira grumbled, but she pulled her phone out and handed it to me. "Here. Put your number in."

I did as she said, wondering what she meant by obligations, but too unwilling to ask her. Kira handed me her phone next and I typed my number in, saving my name as Bella.

A strange feeling, like exhilaration, swept over me as I handed Kira's phone back to her.

"I have to go now," Aamira said, sighing as she checked her expensive-looking watch. "My parents will start calling me soon if I don't."

"It was nice meeting you," I said, and I meant every word.

She walked to her car, passing the guys and telling them goodnight. They began to meander over to Kira and me, taking their time.

"I should probably go get my brother before they start another conversation that'll take forever to end," Kira said, rolling her eyes. "I'll text you, Bella!"

"Bye, Kira," I said, waving at her departing figure.

The last of us dispersed to our own vehicles after saying one last round of goodbyes, and I climbed into Bennett's car with a contemplative expression.

He didn't say a word to me the whole drive home.

But my phone pinged a few minutes after we left the parking lot, and when I checked it, I saw a text from Kira. It was in a group chat with her, Aamira, and I.

So, I know Bella just got here

and probably wants time to settle in

but I was thinking of meeting for breakfast tomorrow?

And I smiled the whole way home.