It's been days since the video shoot, and everything feels weird and wrong. I wish I would've been able to stop myself from saying it, because now it feels like all I've done is push Jimmy away.

Chris: You doing okay?

Me: No. I'm at work, I don't really have time to talk

Chris: I'm here for you if you need anything. Just let me know

Me: Thanks, but I don't think you can help me with what I need

Chris: I can try. Talk to me because I know you won't talk to Chandler about whatever is bothering you so much

Me: Okay, fine, but it has to wait. I have tables.

I put my phone back in my apron pocket and brought armfuls of plates and drinks to the undeserving patrons of the bar. I swear this bar gets sleazier by the day.

"Myra, you're cut," Russ informed me a few hours later.

Thank God. I hate this place. I have always been the person to stay late so everyone else can go home and I can make as much money as possible, but I am at my ends with this place. I can't deal with it anymore.

I left work with close to no money made, knowing this shift was a complete waste of my time and drove home to my apartment. I like my solitude and I like being alone, but coming home to an empty apartment doesn't always make me feel good. I'm incredibly grateful, and I wouldn't go back to my mom's house, but I wish there was some more life in my home when I get here.

After I changed, I sat down at the piano bench in my room and just stared at the keys. I wanted to play something. I wanted to have something to play that would make my thoughts and feelings makes sense, but I came up short. I had nothing.

Sighing, I grabbed my phone and dialed Chris' number. I waited a for a few rings before he picked up.

"Hey," Chris greeted, "what's up?"

"I don't know," I sighed, "I don't know what I did."

"What do you mean?" Chris asked.

"Do you remember when I told you that I was scared of letting Jimmy down?"

"Yeah, how would you have let him down?" Chris asked.

"I feel like I let him down by getting in over my head. I'm scared that I pushed him away," I explained as a few tears fell down my cheeks.

"What happened?" Chris asked.

"After we finished filming the treadmill video, when Jimmy was taking me home I told him that I love him. I didn't mean to say it like that, and I was so exhausted that the words just fell out and now I can't take it back," I sighed.

"Myra, telling Jimmy that you love him would never let him down. Are you kidding? I have never seen Jimmy more invested than he is in you. I promise you did not push him away," Chris assured.

"He's barely spoken to me since," I cried, while doing my best to make sure Chris couldn't tell I was crying, "and it sucks because he is the only person I want to talk to every day."

"Myra, don't cry. Please don't cry. Jimmy can be an idiot, so can I and so can Chandler, it's one of the reasons why we're all such good friends," Chris laughed, "I'll talk to him and see what's going on. He shouldn't be shutting you out, even if he's just not ready to tell you he loves you. That isn't the way to be in a relationship. I'm sorry you're hurting."

"It's okay, I'm used to it," I cried, "I just wasn't expecting to hurt like this over Jimmy again."

"Again?" Chris asked.

"Before we were together, he said loving me was a joke. He didn't mean it, but it hurt," I explained, "but I don't know. I just don't know what to do. Maybe I'm just being crazy."

"I want you to listen to me, okay?" Chris instructed, "you have done nothing wrong and you are not a joke. You've never been in love before, and this is a big deal. Your feelings are valid, and it's not okay for you to be used to hurting. Jimmy is being dumb, and everything is going to be okay, you just need to hang in there right now okay?"

"I'm sorry that I'm such a mess and I'm sorry that you are the one who is dealing with me," I cried.

"Do not be sorry. I told you I was going to be here for you and I meant it. Don't be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for. Hang in there, and I'll call you back in a little while okay?" Chris asked.

"Yeah, thanks Chris."

"Anytime. I'll talk to you later brute."

I hung up my phone and dropped it onto my bed I didn't get under the covers, but I curled up on top of my blankets and let myself cry. I don't cry, I just don't. Something has to be so unbearably bad for me to cry. Things can be good to make me cry too I guess, but that's never happened except for when Chandler gave me the piano and Jimmy told me how much I won after the treadmill video.

I don't cry, I never let myself cry, it feels like weakness in my mind. I know it's not actually a sign of weakness, but I learned a young age to never let anyone see you cry. I've never been able to shake that mentality.

This was the most pain I think I have ever felt, laying here alone crying my eyes out. I couldn't be here alone anymore; I just can't do it. I grabbed my phone and my car keys and left. I couldn't be here alone anymore. I have spent so many years of my life alone, dealing with my own pain silently alone, and I can't do that anymore.

I walked up to the front door and knocked, waiting for someone to open it.

"Myra," Mr. Hallow smiled when he opened the door, "is everything okay?"

"Not really," I sighed, "is Hannah here?"

"She's at work, but Chandler and Zach are playing video games in the living room," Mr. Hallow smiled sadly at me as he stepped aside.

I nodded, giving him a silent thank you as I walked further into the Hallow's house. I walked into the living room and already felt guilty for interrupting them to talk about my own problems.

"Hey," Chandler smiled when he noticed me, "what's up Marx?"

I couldn't find words, it hurt to try to explain it. So, I just walked over and sat next to Chandler, burying my head in his shoulder.

"Woah, you're crying," Chandler was surprised, "what's going on?"

Chandler wrapped his arm around my shoulders and light rubbed small circles on my back, just letting me cry. I have always felt safe with the Hallows, but Hannah and Chandler are special. Before I ever met Jimmy, they were my safest place and calmest mind.

"Talk to me," Chandler pleaded, "what's going on?"

"Jimmy," I sighed as I choked back more tears, "I told him I love him and now he's ignoring me."

"What?" Chandler asked surprised, "he's ignoring you?"

I sighed as I pulled out my phone and opened up mine and Jimmy's conversation in my messages. I showed Chandler the conversation, with my maybe fifteen messages all at least half an hour apart without a single reply. It had been that way for days. I get a good morning and a goodnight text every day, but that's all the communication we've had.

"I'm going to kill him," Chandler fumed.

"No, Chandler," I sighed, "I just don't know what to do or how to fix it or why this caused him to start ignoring me."

"You did nothing wrong, do you hear me?" Chandler clarified, "I am going to punch some brain cells back into his head."

"Don't you dare," I demanded as I grabbed onto Chandler's wrist to hold him here, "I came here because I couldn't cry at home alone anymore. So please just let me hurt and cry about this as if you didn't know my boyfriend."

"Even if I didn't know your boyfriend, I would kill him," Chandler assured me, "but I can kill him later."

Chandler wrapped his arm back around my shoulder and just let me hold onto him as I cried. They even went back to playing video games, ignoring my quiet sobs to let me get out all of the pain I was in.

Having emotions was exhausting, I wasn't used to this. I had been crying for hours, and all I wanted to do was go to sleep, but I couldn't stop crying. It was like opening the emotional flood gates, the tears just kept coming and I couldn't stop them.

"Come on, you can sleep in my room," Chandler insisted.

When we got to Chandler's room, I laid in his bed, and the scent of his cologne flooded my senses. It was overwhelming, but comforting.

"I have to go pick up Hannah. I'll be back, okay?"

I nodded before Chandler leaned down and kissed my forehead. This would be weird if Chandler and I had even a slightly different relationship, but it was what I needed right now. Well, I need Jimmy to talk to me. He doesn't have to say he loves me, especially if he doesn't, I just needed him to talk to me. If he doesn't want to be with me, tell me. If he doesn't want to talk because I'm scaring him away, tell me. If he feels like I fell too hard or too fast and it's not what he want, tell me.

Against all of my better judgement, I took a picture of only a small portion of my face with the intention to send it just to Hannah. After I noticed that you can see all of the tear stains on my cheek and my mascara running anywhere, the hurt and the underlying anger took over and I posted the photo on my Instagram instead.

Life was easier when I didn't let myself have emotions.