February 28, 2000

Dear Diary,

I had a perfect day today. All of my classes went well. I got a 105% on my history test (a perfect score plus bonus points). Then, I skipped gym. After what happened last time, there was no way I was going back today. I only had math afterwards, and I'm getting an A+ in there, so I skipped that as well and went for a run.

It was amazing. I got so many miles in. My marathon training is definitely back on track. I ate a few calories before running, then ran for three hours (lots of calories burned). Then, I ate a very small low-cal snack after. My total calorie count is a little much, but I weighed myself seven times today, and realized I lost a half pound. Hooray. Best day ever.

It's sometimes hard to actually lose weight. Sometimes, I lose like five or six pounds in a week. Other times, when I'm not eating perfectly, my weight just hangs on. That's why I weigh myself at least six times a day. I want to make sure that I stay on track throughout the day. Mom and Dad aren't suspicious. They usually don't even come home from work until at least seven or eight, so it's surprising when they even notice anything.

After I finished my run, I decided to pick up the twins early from their daycare center and take them out for some fun. We went to the park, played Frisbee went on the swings, and then went to a nearby ice cream parlor. They had huge sundaes, and I was jealously drooling over the big piles of hot fudge and whipped cream, but I managed to not give in to temptation. Instead, I watched the joy on their sweet faces as they gobbled up all that sugar. When we came home, they were totally bouncing around, telling Mom and Dad how we all had ice cream.

We did have fun, and technically, since no one specifically asked me what I ate, I didn't lie. It was nice to see that Mom and Dad were smiling at my "progress." Mom came into my room before I went to bed. "You were great today, honey. Glad to see you're back to your old self," she cooed, giving me a side hug.

I went into what I call "perfect daughter mode" then. "I know," I lied. "I guess I just got a little carried away with my dieting. It's just hard, you know, this whole teenager thing. I want to look good, and my friends all have intense workouts. And, I really do like the running. But you and Dad were right. If I want to have energy to run and do good in school, I have to eat more, for sure."

"Do well," she said.
"Huh?"

"Do well in school. Superman does good. You do well."

That pissed me off. Because, I was totally lying to her, but even though she thought I was being sincere, she basically ignored my words and instead chose to correct my grammar. But, I was tired, and I didn't want to ruin the vibe I was trying to put out. So, I just smiled and said, "Sorry, Mom. You're right. 'Do well' in school."

She smiled, "Honey, was this whole dieting craze all about a boy?"

I was relieved. That would be the most obvious reason, if any boys took time to notice me. "Yep. I didn't want to say before because I thought it would sound stupid," I lied again.

"It's not stupid," she assured me. "Girls try to look good for boys all the time. But, a quality man will not care what you look like. You're a beautiful girl inside and out; you need to wait for the right guy to come along who can truly see that."

I just smiled and nodded until she gave me another hug and left, but it was complete nonsense. First, it's just the kind of garbage parents are supposed to say. Second, if I was beautiful on the outside, I wouldn't have to wait for a guy to come along to see it. Everyone would be able to see it immediately. Third, I'm not beautiful on the inside. I'm a mess—just a hot black ball of hatred and sadness boiling up all over. I don't even know why I'm mad half the time, but whatever is inside of me is the opposite of beautiful.

I tried not to think about that because today was one of the most perfect days ever in terms of food and exercise. I even lost a little weight. Tomorrow, I plan on doing the same thing, only maybe going biking instead of running because I read in a magazine yesterday that switching up your workout tricks your muscles and makes you burn more calories.

Until tomorrow,

Jessie