Palace Bedroom.
Oredison Palace, Gazda.
Less than two weeks before Sanctus Aurelia.

I was still sitting on the windowsill, my eyes trained on the snow-covered city beyond, when Caine knocked on my door. It had been two hours since I'd gotten back to my rooms and I hadn't stopped thinking of Kai's letter in the Galanthus book. There had been a lot I wanted to say to him. I'd wanted to ask about the picture he'd drawn—was it real, had that happened?

The thought of Kai so carefully drawing Uri all those weeks ago, back before she'd been kidnapped by Larkin's forces and tortured, long before I'd known the truth of who he was... it seemed wrong in a way. Wrong because he'd known the truth. Kai had known who Uri was to him. It hadn't just been a portrait of some random girl in Third Corps, it had been a drawing of his half-sister. And it angered me that he'd captured her essence so well without having to know her at all.

He should have had to tell her who he was.

Caine knocked again, startling me from my thoughts. His voice was muffled through the door, but it held the same anxiety-inducing annoyance. "Miss Benson?"

"Coming!" I moved from the windowsill and made a show of mussing the covers on my bed. If I were to use the windows as a point of escape, I couldn't draw attention to them. Even by just admiring the view.

I paused in front of the gilded floor-length mirror and took in my reflection, trying to smooth the worry from my expression. In the mirror, I could see everything I was and everything I was not. This person was different. I barely knew her.

The young woman standing there was thin—all angles and bones and sharpness. Bruises and blisters littered her arms and hands. Scars dotted her flesh, skin that was sickly pale from being kept inside. Her hair, which she'd cut short almost seven months ago, was now just past her shoulders. It fell in stringy blonde waves around her face.

My face.

Somehow, I looked both younger and older all at once.

I am Monroe Benson and I am goddess-touched.

The doorknob rattled in Caine's hand.

My heart sped and I wanted to hurry forward, but I forced myself to settle, to calm. Queens didn't rush places. They didn't tremble before pinch-faced cowards. And they certainly didn't bow to men who hid behind the bodies of helpless young women. If he wanted to use me, hide behind me like I was some shield from Kai—then maybe it was time for Caine to learn to stay in my shadow.

And yet it was still difficult to keep my hands steady as I reached the door and pulled it open. It swung forward with more force than could come from just me. My breathing hitched, just a hiccup of surprise, but I shoved that fear away as Caine stepped forward into my bedroom, the movement indicating that he'd already begun to push my door open.

I stepped back, putting space between us. The apology for keeping him waiting was right at the tip of my tongue, but I bit it back. Instead, I lifted my brows and said, "You're late. I thought maybe you weren't coming."

His nostrils flared at the flippancy in my words. That gaze of his was always calculative, weighty. And just then, the careful brush of his eyes across my body, from the pearls at my throat to the heels I wore, was tactical—a plan almost in action.

But it was fine. I was fine.

I'd dressed for battle, after all.

I waited for him to retreat from my room and when he did, I stepped into the hall and pulled the door shut behind myself. He must have already dismissed my guards because we were alone. I didn't let myself dwell on it, didn't let myself consider what might have happened if he'd come into my room unbidden and unannounced. No one here to listen, no one here to stop him from doing whatever he wanted to me.

If I'd have screamed, would anyone have even come to check on me?

I doubted it. I screamed so often, for so many different reasons, that it wouldn't have been an oddity. Not anymore. The servants would have ignored it. The guards would have turned their heads. And the king...Kai probably wouldn't have found out about it until it was too late.

Just a few new bruises.

A few new scars.

I was already so broken, what was one more thing lost?

I swallowed down the bile in my throat. My name is Monroe Benson and I am goddess-touched.

"I'm glad you decided to show up." I nearly surprised myself with the steadiness in my voice, but I pushed forward. "If you hadn't come soon, I was going to go look for you."

His lips parted, I'd surprised him. See, I wanted to say, we can both play this game.

"Is that so?" he asked.

I didn't answer right away, I only started walking towards the lift. After a heartbeat of hesitation, he fell into step next to me. "Yes." I said, "I actually had something I wanted to discuss with you, I thought maybe I'd find you in your office."

He hummed in response, the sound bored.

I straightened my backbone, trying to bolster myself. This was about to be a fight, maybe not the same sort of fight as what I'd had in the arena, but it was no less important. I offered Caine a small smile, innocent and open, as I said, "I'd like to spar with the other goddess-touched girls."

He laughed. "No."

"Wait." I held up a hand and the laughter died from his voice. Oh, he didn't like that at all. I pursed my lips, trying to keep a hold on my composure as I said, "Just let me explain. You see, I've thought a lot about your proposition—"

"My proposition?" he repeated.

I nodded. "To put me on the throne. To make me Kai's queen." I clasped my hands in front of myself. "On Sauenmyde you said that if I played my cards right I could one day be queen."

His lips quirked. "Ah, yes, that..."

"Caine, you must understand that Erydia has already seen a few Culling trials. They have expectations of us—the marked girls, I mean. Before all of this, we were being trained. We'd spent weeks in combat training so we were prepared to spar with one another and make it a good show. Our advisors taught us. And while the training was good because it prepared us to protect ourselves, there was more to it." I paused, trying to slow my breathing. Trying to put space between what I was saying and what I wanted him to hear.

You need me.

You need me to make Kai seem legitimate.

Caine tilted his head to one side, "Go on."

"When we fought in the arena, it wasn't a simple killing, it was a performance. It was entertainment. And that—" I swallowed down the tightness in my throat. "That's what they'll expect from Heidi and Nadia's trial. A show. An actual fight. And right now, we're all out of practice. Nadia will be easy for Heidi to defeat. Too easy."

Caine's steps slowed until he'd brought us both to a stop. He clasped his hands behind his back and met my gaze head-on. "What are you trying to say, Miss Benson?"

"Only that Kai will look like a bad king if his Culling pool performs poorly. Think how viciously we fought for Cohen. Wouldn't you want that same passion to be shown for the new king? Isn't training us and letting us spar better, in the long run, not only for the Culling but for Kai?"

The shadow of a smile passed across his face. "You're telling me you want to be queen—but you still give a shit about how your competition is killed? Do you want Miss Raveena to have the opportunity to train? It's possible she could overpower you."

I shook my head. "I'm saying that it's been months since we were in the palace training. And a month of our abilities being suffocated by tacet. If I were to be put into the arena right now against Kinsley, our fight would be clumsy. It would be more physical strength than ability against ability. And the people want a show of our gifts. They want to see who is strongest, who deserves the crown more." I shrugged. "I love Kai and I want to be his queen, but no one will respect me or any other goddess-touched girl if we don't take the throne for ourselves fair and square. If the people can question our legitimacy as queen, what's to stop them from questioning Kai's place on the throne as well?"

His mouth pressed into a thin line and I knew, as that piercing gaze settled back on me, that I'd said something that rang true to him. "What are you asking of me?"

I almost stopped breathing at the curiosity in his voice. I forced an expression of openness and prayed to the goddess that I seemed genuine as I said, "Nothing that you weren't already planning to do, I'm sure. Naturally, we'd have to be weaned off tacet eventually if we're going to fight in the arena."

I paused.

"Naturally," Caine said quietly, his voice tinged with irritation.

I forced a wide, girlish smile. I am a tool. I am a game piece. "All I'm asking is that you let us train against each other. We already know what each other can do, so it isn't like the surprise will be spoiled. Let me practice with Nadia or Heidi. That way none of us are made a fool of in the arena...especially not the king. If you're concerned, assign guards. It's just—I've just thought a lot about it and I'm worried for Kai."

He nodded slowly, considering. "Only weeks ago, you returned his ring. You cursed him and slapped him. You embarrassed him in front of his new court. You hated him—I saw it in your face." His eyes narrowed slightly. "You still hate him, I think. And now this...now I'm supposed to believe that you have his best interest at heart? You haven't spoken since Sauenmyde. What could have possibly happened to change your mind?"

I remembered the way Caine had hauled back and hit Kai all those weeks ago. It had happened in the middle of a meeting in Third Corps. No one had seemed surprised to see Caine strike his son—his nephew. And I knew, from Kai's own admissions, that Caine knew nothing of love.

He knew nothing of how it ebbed and flowed, how it pulled tight like it would break, how it burned and hurt and cut like a knife. Caine could not imagine loving someone so much that you would forget their wrongdoings and see only the good in them. He didn't understand how you could be angry and still love someone, despite it. Through it. So, I knew he could not possibly understand the way I loved Kai.

I knew because I didn't quite understand it either.

I wrapped my arms around myself, falling back into my own flesh and separating from the ghost of Uriel Warwick I'd been trying to conjure. No dress or heels, no string of pearls, could make me into the young woman she'd been. But I knew that being Monroe Benson, as raw and hurt as I was in that moment, was necessary.

I needed him to see me.

And only me.

I found that while nothing I'd said up until this point had been exactly true, the words I spoke next were. "I've never stopped loving Kai. I know you don't trust me—but I care about him and I don't want to see him hurt. But...But you've had me in your pocket for weeks and we both know I'm not going anywhere. The same could be said for any of the other marked girls. Even with their abilities, Heidi and Nadia will not do anything that would jeopardize Carina or anyone else in Third Corps. As for Kinsley, she loves Larkin the way I love Kai. If you treat the princess well, they'll both fall into line and won't cause trouble."

Caine's head tilted to one side, like a cat assessing a mouse. "Her father is the Speaker of the Synod. He's been very vocal about his plans for his daughter. He wants to be the father of the next queen."

"Maybe, but Kinsley nearly lost her Culling trial and probably would have if it weren't for Larkin. While her father may lust after the throne, it isn't in Kinsley. If she were meant to have the crown, she would have killed her opponent without help—but she didn't. She nearly drowned and probably should have. If Larkin hadn't intervened, Joslyn would have won. If you want the throne—if it's meant for you—you take it. You don't let someone hand it to you."

Caine's teeth scraped his bottom lip. "And yet you want me to hand it to you?"

"I'm not asking you to hand me anything, Caine. I'm telling you that I'm going to fight for it—fight for Kai. All I want is for it to be a fair fight. A good fight. One that no one can question. I killed Tessa and I would do it over and over again if I had to. And I would do it on my own. But the truth is, I was more prepared to take her on three months ago than I am now. During the first Culling, I was well trained. I want to train again. I want to take the throne for myself, but if it's too easy no one will believe I earned it."

Footsteps approached from the far end of the hall and Caine stiffened slightly at the sound. His hand found my elbow, his fingers digging in tight as he got us moving towards the dining room once more. This conversation wasn't one he wanted to be overheard—not by anyone.

I listened to the quiet bustling of the palace around me. My heart was this wretched, shriveled thing in my chest and I didn't know what to do with it anymore. It was aching and bleeding and I was wringing it between white-knuckled fists of anxiety.

But I didn't let my voice waiver as I said, "You may not believe in the goddess, but the Erydian people do. They know I was a favorite of Cohen's and it's no secret that I've found favor with the new king too. It's just as you said—this is all like a fairytale. How else could I have found my way to Kai if it weren't meant to be? And while that may placate some of my people, others will think the throne was given to me if the other girls don't fight well in the arena. It's in everyone's best interest for us to continue to train."

He still hadn't answered me as we stopped outside the closed dining room doors. I'd once stood outside in this hallway with Cohen. He'd told me to smile. At the time, he'd said it would make me seem more approachable.

Now, standing there with Caine, I couldn't help but feel like I was betraying that girl—the old Monroe. She had worn boots that night, not heels. She hadn't yet dreamt of treason. And now there I stood, dressed like a dead princess, standing in her shadow as if I could ever be an ounce of the person she'd been.

I am a girl made of lies.

My mother had once told me that people should be careful of the lies they tell. For untruth is a bedfellow with many faces. It can make sleep uneasy, but it can also drip honey into your ear. Lies can keep you warm at night; they can become a second skin. They can cling so tightly to you that eventually, they're what you believe. Until the lie is the truth and the truth is the lie. And while I'd spun many a lie in my life, I don't think I'd ever spoken ones that tiptoed so near to the truth before.

It would be easy to forget what is true and what is false.

Caine nodded dismissively to the footmen standing on either side of the dining room doors and they scattered, moving towards the hidden alcove of the servant's stairwell. From where I stood, I could hear muffled conversation inside the room—voices I recognized: Cohen and Larkin. I doubted Kai would have the courage to sit in a mostly empty dining room with his siblings—not with the palpable hatred that seemed to emanate from Cohen anytime his older brother was nearby.

"I'll allow you to train."

Caine's words nearly had me falling flat on my face.

I braced a hand against the closed door, trying not to seem too terribly relieved as I said, "That's good. It's wise, I think."

He nodded. "You'll train on my terms, and with my supervision."

I swallowed down my sudden fear.

No matter my feigned bravado—Caine scared me. I tried not to show it. I tried to filter my fear into anger. But in my nightmares, he was as prevalent as Viera or Larkin. Time and time again I'd not only been hurt by him, but I'd seen the look in his eyes as he considered what to do next. I knew that for every terrible thing he did, there were dozens of things he wanted to do to me. It was the next bad thing that scared me. The unknown of where his hands would go next.

I inhaled a breath that shook a bit more than I'd intended. In that instant, I wished for courage. I longed to be unafraid of him. But I wasn't. I was a liar.

"What?" Caine asked, his voice growing quiet. "Is it a problem that I'll be there? Does the idea upset you?"

He wanted me to say it did. But more than that, he wanted me to show him that it did.

I shook my head and forced a smile. "No. No, that's fine. I'm just happy to have the chance to get back in the training rooms and spar. I know the other girls will feel the same way."

"Yes, let's hope they do." His expression turned amused, the way it always did when he'd discovered a new game to play with me. Hiding the tacet in my food, tormenting Kai with my proximity, constantly parading me around—it was all a game to him. And, just like I'd intended, I'd given him a new game to play. I'd willingly made myself a piece on his game board.

Kai had once told me that if I made myself an easily accessible tool for the rebellion, I could eventually lose control over how and when I was used. I was gambling on Caine feeling that way too. I wanted him to see me as a tool. I wanted him to set the game board—I wanted him to think he was in charge. I wanted him to think that I was willing to be used.

It was better if Caine thought he was trapping me.

He wanted to see me as a pawn.

And maybe, I had been that once. But I wasn't anymore. My place in the game had changed. He'd decided to change it. And even though Uri's clothes had never fit me quite the same as they fit her; I could wear a crown just as well.

She'd want me to. Even if it were all a farce. Even if I intended to burn my own throne to the ground.

Especially then.

So, let Caine think I was playing the game on his terms. All I wanted was for him to forget that, no matter her placement on the game board, a queen piece is still a queen.

***

If you enjoyed this chapter: leave this emoji ☕️ in the comments.

The chapter went up early tonight because I'm a tired girl trying to write a graduate school capstone and a book at the same time. 10/10 do not recommend. Follow me on Instagram to see me consistently riding the struggle bus. Anyway, I'm fixing to make myself a cup of tea and go to bed. 😬 😴 You are, as always, my favorite people on the internet. Thank you for reading the books and supporting me. You're the real QUEENS. 👑 (And yes, that applies to all of you. You're all queens. I've crowned you. It's official. If you don't like it, oh well. Too late.)

My upload schedule for The Reckless Reign is Tuesdays and Thursdays at midnight. 🧡🔥👑

For more information on The Culled Crown series and other projects, follow me on Instagram (@briannajoyc) or check out my website (www.briannajoycrump.com).