I don't often talk about when I'm scared and lonely and overwhelmed on the internet.

May as well do it now.

As you all know, I have profound ADHD, which severely affects my mood and performance academically. I've been taking prescription medication for this for about three years now.

However, recently, I got off the meds. We discovered that they were making me depressed, moody and borderline suicidal at the worst times.

Since both me and my mother agreed that I would be better off scatterbrained than miserable, I stopped taking my medication.

This brought up a whole slew of other problems.

Now, every day is a constant battle against my own brain to do the most basic of tasks. And I almost always lose. What most people don't understand is that scorn is a huge part of ADHD. I hate myself for the inability to do what other people can do easily. I'm envious and annoyed of others that they possess this ability so far beyond my reach.

If I don't want to do something, it is literally almost completely impossible for me to do it. I cannot- will not- perform the task. Most of my teachers think that I'm making the choice to not do the work, but I'm not choosing this. I know I have to do it, I know that I have the ability to do it, but I simply can't do it.

I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate being scolded by the teachers for not doing something. I hate that I'm so far behind in my studies and homework. I hate that I can't apply myself to a task like the rest of the human race.

I hate myself for being this way.

Why can't I just be fucking normal? Right now, all I want is to be able to do my work. That is all.

The bar's so fucking high I can't even see it anymore.

Sorry for screaming at everyone, but I just...

I despair for my own future.