I turn the corner and bump into Gio. Thank God it's only him and not Jude.

 "Is Jude around?" I ask him quickly so I can hide in case he comes too. "He's already down at the training ground. But what are you doing here?" he asks me tensely. "I'm on holiday here?" I say innocently. "Yeah, sure," he says. I don't think he believes me.

 "You happen to be in the same hotel as Jude and the whole other team?" he asks me suspiciously. "Yes?" I try to talk my way out of it. "I don't believe you. Now tell me what you're doing here," he says with a serious face. "Are you sure Jude won't come or something? I mean, you're still here." "I'm 100% sure he's not coming. I just forgot something. Now tell me." 

"Yeah yeah. Chill. I'm here with his mother. She asked me if I wanted to come here with her and I didn't say no. But please don't tell him, Denise wants it to be a surprise. Do you understand?"

 "Sure. I won't tell him." "Then go on, go to training, you have to be well prepared after all," I urge him. "Don't worry, I'm already gone," he says and disappears on it. 

I continue to our room and knock twice. Shortly afterwards, Denise opens the door and I quickly go into the room. "What took you so long?" she asks a little impatiently. "I ran into someone," I say and there is clear panic in her expression. "You don't mean... You didn't see him...did you?" she asks cautiously, probably afraid of my answer. 

"No. It was Gio. He promised not to say anything though." "Gio is a good boy. I'm sure he'll keep his promise," she assures me. "I should hope so."

 "Look. Your room is over there, okay? If you need anything, just knock." "Yes, I will," I answer her and then go through the connecting door to my room.

 It actually looks exactly like Denise's room. It's really nice and even quite big. I put my suitcase in a corner, take out some new clothes and take a shower. After such long days, I always feel so dirty and disgusting.

 After I'm done, I lie down in bed for a while to get some rest. 

Just as I was about to fall asleep, I heard a loud call from outside. It doesn't sound as if anything bad has just happened, but more like loud orders. I open my balcony door and look to see if I can see anything from up here. 

I look from left to right until suddenly the football pitch right in front of me catches my eye. How could I not have seen that earlier? I sit down on the balcony chair and watch them all training for a while.

I just hope no one sees me from below.

After half an hour, there is a knock at my door. I quickly leave the balcony and at that moment Denise comes through the connecting door.

"I wanted to ask you if you wanted to come into town with me. We can look at it a bit and go out for a bite to eat," Denise suggests. "Sure, but what about Jude? They're training outside, he'll definitely recognise us if we walk past there." "No, don't worry. I saw a back exit. We can go that way." I nod in agreement.

"Should I change my clothes before we go?", I ask Denise. "No, you don't have to. You look great." I smile at her, take my bag and shortly afterwards we both leave the room.

We successfully leave the hotel and are now on the train, heading for the city centre. "What do you feel like eating?" Denise asks me. I have to think for a moment. "I don't know. I actually like to eat everything. You can choose." "Okay. Then let's go out for pizza. Agreed?" she asks. "Agreed," I say and we both get off at that station.

After walking around the city for almost 3 hours, shopping for a few things for each of us, we are completely famished.

     TW

We just walk past a pizzeria that looks really good. We are about to sit down when a middle-aged man, around 35, walks towards us. He comes closer and closer, when suddenly he is standing right in front of us. I somehow get a bad feeling, so I tell Denise that we'd better keep walking. But the man keeps following us until he suddenly grabs my arm, pulls me towards him and grabs me by the waist. "Let go of me right now. You disgusting asshole," I scold him.

But he only grabs me tighter and his hands move further and further down from my hips. I look at Denise, well, where she was a few moments ago. Has she actually left me alone with this guy now? I thought I could rely on her.

The stranger, pushes me against a wall of the side alley we are currently in. I can't hold it in any longer and single tears roll down my cheeks. "Please. Please stop," I beg him.

I wish Jude were here now to help me.

I beg the man to stop, but he doesn't listen to me.

His hands continue to roam all over my body, including places that are off limits to him and also to no one else but me.

I try to scream, but I don't even know if I can be heard.

Everything goes so slowly.

I try to push him away from me, to bite or kick him, but he keeps going. I want to scream so badly, but every time I open my mouth, nothing comes out. 

I can't breathe any more. What am I supposed to do now? Why does this have to happen now? Why does this have to happen to women at all?

My father used to warn me about men who are bad. That you always have to be careful to stay away from such people, even if it's not always as easy.

I always wondered why the girls to whom this happens don't just scream, call for help, hit, kick.... Now I know why. I don't have the strength. I feel helpless. I am not with myself. I feel every touch on me, burning into my skin like scars.

Suddenly I feel his grips becoming looser and looser until suddenly there is nothing left to feel. I sink to the floor and close my eyes. There are loud screams around me, but they only reach me in a distorted form. I can't tell who is saying what, what is being said...

I sit there, on the floor, in silence. In my silence.

My whole body is burning, as if someone has just set it on fire.

I don't know how long I sit there on the floor, but when I open my eyes, my tears have dried. I didn't even notice that I had stopped crying.

I slowly come back to reality, and now I also notice Denise in front of me with a few tears rolling down her face. When she notices that I have opened my eyes and stand up, she gives me a long hug.

Only now do I notice the policemen spread out behind her. How did they get here so quickly? And who took them?

Now a few things become clear to me. Denise left me alone to get help. I don't know how I would have reacted if someone had done that to her. But I probably would have fetched someone too.

"We should take her to the hospital," a policeman says to Denise. "No. Not to the hospital. I'm fine," I say. Everyone looks at me confused. They probably rather expected me to break down in front of everyone now.

But I am not allowed. I have to be strong. I don't want anyone to see how broken I am. I have to pretend that it doesn't affect me that much. Just like after the death of my sister and my father. If I don't let it get to me for long enough, it will eventually go away.

"I'm fine. But I'd like to go home now," I say and give them all a smile. "Sure. I'll change your flight right now and I'll take you to your mother. I'm sure Jude will understand," Denise says worriedly, brushing a strand of hair out of my face.

"No, no. I just mean that I want to go back to the hotel. I'm fine, like I said. And Denise? Please don't tell Jude. I'd like to do this myself when I'm ready." She just nods understandably and one of the policemen offers to drive us back.

I refuse him the offer, however, as Jude is still not allowed to see us.

Instead, we take the underground home again. Denise asks me about 20 more times if I am all right and if I would rather go home, but I tell her each time that I am fine. She shouldn't worry about me.

That's why I don't want to tell anyone else either. I don't want them all to worry. I am old enough. I can handle this on my own.

We made it back to the hotel without being seen. Denise told me about 200 more times that if anything happened, I could always come to her and that she was so sorry that it happened.

In my room, I take new clothes from my suitcase and immediately go into the shower. I feel so disgusting. Like he's still touching me all the way through, leaving marks that never go away.

I start to cry. I don't know why. I close my eyes and let the hot water wash all the dirt off me.

The water is getting colder by now and I finally get out of the shower.

 How long was I in the shower, please? I look at the clock and it is 10:48 pm. I got into the shower at 21:13. Was I in the shower for 1 1/2 hours? How did I not notice that?

I quickly put on my thickest jumper and sweatpants as usual, grab my Airpods and sit out on the balcony.

I put on my playlist and look up at the stars.

My father used to promise me that if he ever died, he, with God, would always take care of me and my sister, no matter what.

But where was he today? Why didn't he protect me?

I look up at the starry sky once more.

"I needed you today," I say softly to the sky, while a single tear rolls down my cheek.