Willow, Age Sixteen

In my fifteen years of living in Hell, I've spent at least ten hanging around the kitchens. Run by dead sinners who were famous or well-renowned chefs during their time on Earth, I've been able to pick up cooking techniques from all kinds of cultures and time periods.

Since their time in the kitchens is their only reprieve from eternal torture, they're usually eager to teach me anything I want to know. Today, though, I plan to teach someone else a lesson.

In order to avoid the chaos of the main kitchen, I start stretching and shaping pre-made pizza dough in one of the smaller kitchens that's typically used for baking.

Between adding sauce and sprinkling on a heavy dose of cheese, Elizabeth and Killian enter the room, both wearing head-to-toe black leather like they just left a BDSM convention. Surprised that they're even together, I immediately stop what I'm doing in order to stare at them in bemusement.

Eli rolls her eyes. "Don't give me that look, Will. You need to step up your combat game, and the mutt was the only person I could find to help. Besides, I want to see you smash his pretty face in."

Killian turns red eyes to Elizabeth. "Aw, princess. You think I'm pretty?"

With zero hesitation, Eli pivots and uses her high-heeled leather boot to kick Killian right in the dick. He crumples to the floor while cupping his junk and groaning. "I'm already regretting my decision, mutt."

Stepping over his squirming body, Elizabeth walks to where I'm standing before leaning against the nearest counter. "What are you even doing, Will? We're having dinner in like an hour. Jacques is cooking tonight, so I doubt you can do any better."

Deciding to ignore her in punishment for hurting Killian like that, I remain silent. At this point, I've resumed my pizza-making. Now, I'm placing a heavy handful of pineapple on top of the cheesy layer.

Eli, with disgust evident in her scrunched up face and incredulous voice says, "Look, Will, I know this is Hell and all, but there's no reason to torture yourself like that. Keep the fruit off the pizza—it doesn't belong there."

I say nothing in response as I methodically add broccoli to what is sure to be the greatest pizza of all time....for reasons.

Elizabeth blows out a loud breath. "Okay, now you're just fucking with me. There's no way you're actually gonna eat a pizza with cooked broccoli on it. It's going to smell and taste exactly like farts."

That one makes me want to laugh, but I keep my facial expressions in check and my amusement internal.

Somehow already recovered from his penis attack, Killian starts full-out belly laughing at how simultaneously serious and ridiculous Elizabeth is acting. In response, Eli stomps over to him and hits Killian in the chest. "Back me up here, Scooby Doo. Tell her how gross she's being right now."

"Why do you even care, Ellie? You don't have to eat it," he responds through lingering wheezes.

"I care because friends should not let friends make weird food concoctions unless they're pregnant or dying. And last I checked, the mortal is alive and ticking with no baby in there kicking, so she really has no excuse for whatever crisis she's obviously going through. This is clearly a cry for help, and I am here to answer." Elizabeth holds her hand over her heart through the last part of that little speech, seeming so sincere that I feel bad about ignoring her.

"I love you, Eli. You'll always be my ride or die—" I start to respond before she interrupts me.

"Damn straight, soul sister."

"—Anyway, I was planning on making a super disgusting pizza and then forcing Rome to eat it. He still feels guilty about earlier, and I want to make him sweat a little before I forgive him." Of course, I told Eli about my late night confrontation with Rome; she thinks that it was a long time coming.

Elizabeth looks stunned, mainly since I'm the forgive-and-forget type while she's the more diabolical one. She's slow to reply, but a grin overtakes her face as she says, "I truly have never loved you more than I do in this moment, Will. If I was into vagina even a little bit, I would be all up in yours right now. Just really going to clam town. Pussy palace. The love glove canal—"

She would probably keep going if Killian didn't cover her mouth completely with his massive hand. "I think we got the message, princess."

Seeing Eli silently glare at Killian, I decide to try and diffuse the tension, which seems altogether more charged than usual. "Do you guys want to help me? I was thinking about adding anchovies and artichokes as well."

Still kept silent behind Killian's hand, Eli claps her hands together and attempts to bounce in place. Killian lets her go just in time for her to ask, "How do you feel about bull testicles?"

I snap my fingers into guns in her direction. "Eli, you're a genius! Oh, he's going to hate it."

Elizabeth copies my finger guns before adding, "Cool. I know just the demon. He owes me a favor for descaling his feet, which, like gross, but I guess this will make us even."

I shudder at the reminder. Gwen dared Elizabeth to remove the scales from Leviathan's feet, a task that is usually left to the most unlucky of tortured humans. Eli, not one to risk being labeled a coward, ended up spending a solid half hour plucking out the serpent shifter's foot scales. She smelled like rotten fish for a week.

"I'll go with you to see him, Ellie," Killian pipes up. What a poor, sweet idiot.

Elizabeth contorts her face into an expression of complete disgust. "Ew, no. I'd rather pop a toaster oven into my nightly bath than hang out with you some more. You can stay with Will, mutt. Or go pee on the good carpet. Maybe chew up an expensive loafer. Whatever it is that dogs like you do in their free time."

Killian throws his hands up into the air. "You asked me to be here, Ellie!"

Elizabeth places her hands on her hips. "I told you that I regret that decision! Hence the kick in the dick."

Killian pouts, Eli huffs, and I just stand here wondering when babysitting two fully grown teenagers became my job. Is this how Lucifer feels trying to wrangle the residents of Hell? No wonder he's always having mental breakdowns.

Stepping between the Bickersons, I place a hand on each of their chests. Forced to break eye contact with one another, I'm able to gain their undivided attention. "Can you guys just chill for a sec? I'm trying to execute an evil plan here."

Elizabeth glances down at my hand on her chest before wiggling her eyebrows at the lewd positioning. Since she's a lost cause, I send Killian a questioning glance that he returns with a dip of his chin in agreement. Turning back to the biggest shit stirrer of our group, I speak to Elizabeth. "Eli, you can get those bull testicles while Killian helps me here." Seeing the stubborn tilt of her jaw, I add, "Please."

She sighs. "Fine. But only because I love you. And because I really want to see Romeo eat some balls."

In unison, we both grimace at the unintentional sexual innuendo. Like me, Eli hates even thinking about Romeo's sex life, although for drastically different reasons.

Killian laughs. "Pretty sure you could catch him doing that near the army barracks at least twice a week."

I open my mouth in shock while Eli closes her eyes and sticks her fingers into her ears. "Ugh, TMI. I'm going to need some brain bleach to get that image out of my head. Will, remind me to never, ever go near the barracks again. I don't think I'd recover from seeing that in person. You'd have to leave me in a human nunnery or something else completely unsexual after experiencing that."

I can't quite get over my surprise. "I thought he liked girls?" I question.

"Rome likes anything with a pulse and a willing sex drive," Killian replies with humor in his voice.

Great. It was bad enough when I was sharing my best friend with every female in the realm. But every female, male, and everyone in between? This day is not looking up.

"Can we please not talk about my brother's sex life?" Elizabeth gags before adding, "I like to imagine that all of my siblings are prudish virgins. As far as I'm concerned, even my parents had us made in test tubes and not through other means of reproduction."

"Prudish virgins, huh? So, basically like Willow?" Killian interjects.

I use the hand still attached to Killian's body to slap him in the center of his chest. He pretends to be hurt, but we both know that my puny human muscles are no match for his stone-like pectorals.

Offended on my behalf, Elizabeth reopens her eyes and unplugs her ears in order to shake her now closed fist in Killian's direction. "Watch yourself, mutt. You're on thin ice and I'll go all Rose in Titanic on your ass. Just straight up push you into the water even though we all know that they could have both fit onto that door."

Although it's clear as day that Killian is more amused than anything by Elizabeth's constant displays of aggression, she continues to antagonize him. "Of course, dogs are usually pretty decent swimmers, but good luck surviving those cold temperatures, buddy! You'll be dead within the hour. No lifeboat for you."

Convinced that she's completely forgotten what she was mad about in the first place, and already over being called a prude, I interrupt her. "Eli, testicles now. Threats later."

With a roll of her eyes and a snap of her fingers, Elizabeth disappears from the room. Her sudden departure confuses Killian, who turns to me in question. "How does she know how to do that? We're supposed to learn how to teleport in our first year at the academy."

"She bribed a guard to teach her. Well, more like she blackmailed him. Poor Kenneth, that guy cannot catch a break from her."

Predictably, Killian grins at the thought of Elizabeth acting wickedly. "That's my girl. I'm sure Kenneth deserved it anyway. He always gives me dirty looks when I pass him in the halls. I think he hates shifters or something. Total racist dickhead."

Like Killian earlier, I toss my arms out in a physical representation of my frustration. "How many times do I have to go over this? He has a lazy eye! It's just his face! He's actually perfectly nice when you get to know him, but everyone around here seems to think otherwise."

"Shit, Willow, this is Hell. Being perfectly nice is cause enough to be suspect."

I nod my head in reluctant agreement. "Yeah, I guess that's fair. So, not to change the subject, but how is The Plan going?"

Killian shrugs. "Well, considering that we're still in phase one of seven and it's been over two years since we started? I'd say not well."

I pat his arm in sympathy. "You'll get there. Eli's going to come around eventually; she's just the most stubborn person to ever live. Anything I can do to help?"

"Trust me, just keeping Ellie from attempting to murder me is enough. But maybe you could try to talk me up some more? She values your word over anyone else."

"I have to keep it subtle, but I'll definitely try. I'm rooting for you guys."

That million dollar smile reappears on Killian's hard face. All sharpened angles and strong features, he often comes across harsher and less approachable than he actually is. If Elizabeth would swallow her pride and admit to herself that she belongs with the hellhound, then she could be his perfect counterpoint. With a small stature and undeniable beauty to contradict her sometimes abrasive personality, Eli is Killian's opposite. But, as magnets always prove, opposites attract.

"Thanks, Willow. I appreciate it."

"Appreciate what?" Elizabeth asks as she pops into existence. Easily spooked, I jump three feet in the air and lose at least a year of my life.