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A/N - I literally haven't updated this since early June it's been like 1 1/2 months lord help me
Also that picture is a phat mood
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Silently I cleaned up. "That's all you're good for." I dried myself off and put on my binder. I couldn't stop getting damn flashbacks.

"Are you okay?" Alvaro looked over at me the second I walked out of the bathroom.

"Yeah. I'm good. Can you uh, go hang out with Mattia and Kai for a bit or something? I think I just gotta be alone for a bit."

His face visibly fell. I felt my heart ache. I didn't want to hurt him. But I was going to blast my music so I could get out of those damn thoughts-

"Yeah. Um... about earlier..."
"Let's talk about it later, okay? I just— again, I need a little alone time."

Alvaro frowned as he left. I wish I could tell him what's wrong. But what if he didn't believe me? What if I deserved it?

I went upstairs and plugged in my earbuds desperately. With shaky hands I clicked on Alicia's playlist, the one I used when I needed to just not hear my thoughts. I tried to ignore the way my chest flipped at the name.

I laid face down in bed as the loud punk music blocked out anything I was thinking. It was relaxing, if unhealthy.

———

Alvaro came back in time for dinner. By then I had relaxed.

"Hey. Do you wanna talk now?" He asked quietly.
"Oh— we need to go eat."
"Oh. Right."

Dinner was tense. My parents were pretty much the only ones talking, and they only made small talk. Alvaro kept his head down the whole time. I felt bad.

Alvaro and I went up to my room afterward. He was really quiet.

"Look, that was my boyfriend. When I was young. Some shit happened between us and it brought stuff up. It's- I promise it's nothing to do with you."
"O-oh. Are you okay? Like, we can talk if you want."
"No. It's uh, still pretty fresh. Y'know?"
"That's okay. Do you... wanna like, cuddle?"
"What?"

He hesitated and looked up at me, swallowing. "Uh, just... earlier, when we, y'know, kissed and..." he looked away anxiously.

I couldn't help but start grinning. "Sure. If you want."
He looked up at me, "can we be a thing...?"
"Like, dating?"
"Yeah..."
"Um... I mean, I would like to, it's just—" his face fell even more. "I have a lot of things I'm not ready to share and, y'know... when you're dating, you do kinda needa... share that shit."

He sighed deeply and looked off to the side. "That's fine I guess. I dunno about doing stuff like cuddling n shit then cause like... I don't- I don't wanna be led on."
"Right. Sorry."
"I'll just sleep on the couch."
"Oh. Right. Sorry again."
"It's fine."

He went downstairs. I sighed deeply. I did want to date him. I really wanted to date him. But I had so many problems...

I didn't wanna drag him into that.

———

We were all coming to Mattia's house for a sleepover. Alvaro was still being really quiet. All I wanted to as you hug him and tell him everything would be okay.

I was a bit worried to be around Robert and Roshaun, considering I didn't exactly tell them before I made the video.
I came into Mattia's basement, ruffling my hair nervously. I hadn't bothered with a binder or a bra for that matter. Going down the stairs kinda hurt but I was too dissociated to realize.

I sat on a beanbag and laid back. Robert looked up and made a face. "So, were you gonna tell any of us?"
Kai took a deep breath, "Robert— not this again."
"It's- it's fucking weird! Like, you can't just change that. It's not normal."

Oh great.

"Robert I already said to drop it, seriously! Take your transphobic bullshit and-"
"I'm not transphobic! It's just weird!"
"Robert that's transphobic!"
"It's just— it's unnatural!"

Mattia looked over at me nervously. My eyes were wide and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Not again. Not again I swear—

"It's just not normal Alicia! You're not a boy. That's irrational."
"Well— I wanna be a boy!"
"You can't be!"
"I can try!"
"No you can't!"
"I wanna be called Alejandro."
"No! That's not your name!"

"ALEJANDRO!" Kairi shouted, shaking me. I took a few deep breaths, my heart pounding uncontrollably. "It's okay Ale. He left." He murmured softly.
"I- I-"
"How long has it been since you've taken your meds?" Mattia asked firmly, taking a seat on his knees in front of the beanbag.
"They don't work."
"How long has it been?"
".... two weeks."
"Ale— alright uh... I'm gonna go to your house and go pick them up." He got up and left the room. Kai looked at me expectantly.
"What?"
"You know you have to take your meds."
"They don't work sometimes."

"What are you guys talking about?" Alvaro asked softly.