"I'm not saying it's my fault," James sighs, sounding very much like that's exactly what he's saying. "I'm just saying that maybe if I got to talk to Sirius, then..."

Remus bites his lip, staring at his hands.

"Then maybe this wouldn't have happened. Maybe I could've talked him out of it," James finishes, his voice quiet.

Remus nods. He can't blame James for thinking that. "Maybe," he agrees. "But also maybe not."

"Yeah," James says, "Maybe not. Maybe he just wanted to say goodbye."

"It's not your fault," Remus says, even if he knows that it isn't going to stop James from thinking that.

An odd sort of silence falls over them. It's itchy and it's sticky but Remus doesn't know how to break it. He doesn't want to think about Sirius trying to kill himself. To think about how he must've felt. About what he was thinking when he just let go, when he completely gave up and threw his life away, leaving it up to fate.

Remus doesn't want to think about it at all. But he can't keep wondering if Sirius still feels that way. Whether he still doesn't care for himself being here. Whether it's still too much for him.

Remus wonders if he'll try again.

Remus managed not to think about it until now, but now that he's started, he can't make himself stop. It goes on and on, one question leading to the next before he can even try to find an answer.

"Re?"

Remus snaps himself out of his thoughts. "Yeah, I'm here. Sorry,"

"Shall I leave you to get some sleep?"

"No, I'm not sleepy," Remus assures James, "Unless you are?"

"Nah," James throws the pillow behind him and lies down, pulling his legs up so that they don't dangle off the bed. "I'm not sleepy either."

"Okay," Remus replies. He takes a moment to revisit James' list of troubles. Up next, the kissing. "So... Are you going to tell me about the... Boy?"

James almost winces.

"You don't have to," Remus adds quickly, "You don't have to tell me anything, of course... It's just that, you might feel better if you let it out." When he finishes speaking, Remus finds James looking at him, smiling a bit. "What?" He asks.

"You're adorable," James pokes his side. Remus jerks away, swatting at him. "Quit stalling, James," he says, giving him a mock glare.

"Okay, okay," James groans. "Merlin, I don't even know where to start..."

"You can start with a name," Remus suggests.

James bites his lip, "Okay, fine. Take a deep breath." Remus gives him a confused look. "What?" He asks, putting his empty mug away. "Just do it, okay? Trust me."

Remus makes a great show of taking a deep breath. He lets it out just as loudly. 

"It's Auguste."

Remus very nearly falls out of bed, even if he's sitting. "It's who?"

"Auguste," James mumbles, pulling the pillow out from under his head and crushing his face with it. 

Remus stares at him, mouth open.

"Oh Morgana, oh Godric..." James kicks his legs, "Please stop staring, Re,"

"I'm not staring," Remus lies. "You can't even see me,"

"I don't need to. I can hear you."

"You can hear me staring at you?" 

A small silence that sounds like the spoken form of an ellipsis. And then, "Yes."

"James," Remus shakes his head, pulling the pillow away from the boy mostly out of fear that he would suffocate himself to death. "I want you to take some time and very carefully think about what you just said." 

"Don't be a bully, Remus," James whines, wrestling the pillow back and claiming it as his prized possession by once again laying his head on top of it. 

"I want to say something snarky in return, but..." Remus looks at James who's staring at the ceiling, "I'm just... You? And... Auguste?"

"I know," James sighs. "I know how crazy it sounds but it happened,"

"You kissed?"

"Twice," James adds.

Remus raises his eyebrows. And then he promptly draws them into a frown, because Lily. No matter how much Remus loves James, which is so, so much, he wouldn't be able to forgive him if he had cheated on Lily. "What about Lily?"

James turns his face to Remus. "What about her?"

"You... Please tell me you didn't kiss Auguste when you were still with her,"

James actually, audibly gasps. "I would never," he says, sitting up. 

"I'm sorry," Remus says quickly, pressing his hand on James' shoulder and giving him a small push. James lies back down. "You're lucky I like you, Remus," he huffs. "I'm sorry, okay?" Remus tries to appease him, "I was just... This is all so sudden and I don't know what to think anymore."

"How about you start with James Potter is not a cheater?"

Remus bites his lip, looking down at his hands. "I really am sorry, James..."

"It's okay," James says from beside him. Remus feels even worse when he realises that James sounds a little guilty, too. "Just hear me out, okay?"

"Okay," Remus nods. "Tell me."

James takes a deep breath before quickly explaining his brief make out sessions with a certain French boy. He seems to be a bit embarrassed, bless him, but he still doesn't struggle as much as he does when he has to recount their fight.

Remus listens until he's done. "So..." He frowns a bit, unsure of what to say. "So you like Auguste."

"I like kissing Auguste." James corrects him. He watches Remus for a second vector adding, "There's a massive difference."

"I see," Remus mumbles, "So do you hate him?"

"Well, no?" James frowns, "I mean I never hated him, you know. I just... Didn't want him around."

"Because he's bad for Sirius?"

"Well..." James rubs his hand across his face, mussing his hair. "Sort of. Not when we were little, obviously. I just thought he was weird. And I won't lie, I was kinda jealous but in my defence, I was like ten."

"You were jealous of Auguste?"

"I thought he was trying to steal Sirius away from me, okay? In my head, I was kinda gonna marry Sirius when we both grew up."

Remus has to hold back his laughter. "James, are you sure that it's Auguste I need to keep Sirius away from?"

"Can we not repeat that, please?" James mumbles, "Not my proudest moment."

"Wanting to marry Sirius?"

"No, assuming that Auguste was... Wait, hold on, stop," James shoots up intro a sitting position. "Why are you so calm about this? You're like a therapist, where are your emotions?"

"My emotions left me when I was woken up at God knows what in the morning," Remus says dryly, "I'll check again and let you know tomorrow. I mean, today."

James gives him a look. "So you're telling me that you're like... Totally okay with Auguste having a potentially massive thing for Sirius?"

"I..." Remus stretches his legs and leans against the wall next to James, feeling the pain in his back instensify. "I've known about that for a while, James."

"What?"

"Yeah," Remus says quietly, playing with his hands. "Auguste told me when we were waiting at the hospital for news on Sirius."

"Shit," James curses, "Now I feel even worse. He told you?"

"I might've asked him..."

"Oh Morgana," James pulls his knees up to his chest, pushing his chin down on them. "At least we know he's not trying to come in between you two, then."

"I think you already knew that, didn't you?"

"Re,"

"Hm?"

"Now you're really starting to sound like a therapist."

Remus looks at him, eyes wide. "I think I've found my true calling," he gasps, grabbing James' hand.

"You've been spending too much time with Sirius," James groans. "I can't believe you didn't tell me, Re. Hold on," James frowns, "Do you  think Sirius knows?"

"I'm not sure," Remus admits, "And he's hardly in a position for me to ask..."

"Suppose that's true," James sighs.

"What are you going to do now?" Remus asks.

"Sleep," James sighs again.

"After that," Remus says.

"Wake up?"

"God, James. Stop trying to avoid it,"

"Fine, fine," James groans, "I'll apologize to Auguste. Happy now,"

"Yes," Remus rubs his temples, "Very much so. Are you gonna sleep here?"

"Nah," James stretches his arms above his head. "I'll go back to my room, it's alright. Good night, Re." He pulls himself out of bed and leans down to give Remus a hug.

"Good night," Remus rubs his back before letting him go. "Everything will work out, James. Don't worry."

James smiles at him tiredly. "I hope so, Remus. I really, really do."

***

Author's Note

One word : Ew.