Something has changed.

Last night, Remus was, once again, charged with staying the night with Sirius. Except he got to sleep this time. James was the one who demanded that they move the bed back in. So that someone can keep Sirius company of course. Not because he wanted Remus to spend more time with Sirius, of course not.

And now, a little while after breakfast, Remus and Sirius are back in Sirius' room. As he looks around, sitting on 'his' bed, he's surprised at how much it feels like home.

Despite this, something has changed. And Remus can't tell in what way.

"Sirius?" Remus calls. He's sitting on his bed, facing Sirius.

Sirius turns his head to look at Remus. He's sitting up as well, but leaning against the headboard unlike Remus, who's sitting sideways on his bed.

"Is something wrong? Are you in pain?"

Sirius doesn't reply. And from Remus' experience, that's never, ever good. So he stands up, walks over to Sirius' bed, and sits down next to him.

"Hey," he says carefully.

Sirius looks at him. He moves away from Remus, wincing a little as he shifts his weight. It hurts Remus at first, the way Sirius draws back, but then he realises that Sirius is actually making space for him. Sirius lifts his blanket so that Remus can climb under it.

Marshbutton is plopped down right at the centre of the bed, so while it does take some work, they somehow manage to comfortable. The two boys end up pressed together, their shoulders brushing as they sit with their backs against the headboard.

"Are you mad at me?" Sirius asks softly.

Remus frowns. "No," he replies, shifting a little towards Sirius. "I'm not mad at you, Sirius. Just worried,"

"You're not mad at all?"

"Is there any reason I should be?" Remus asks, lifting his head to look at Sirius, whose eyes are fixed on his hands. His beautiful, pale hands.

"Yes, Remus," Sirius whispers, "There's every reason to be mad."

Remus frowns. He doesn't want to hear what those reasons are. "I'm not mad," he says gently.

Sirius looks at him. His eyes are dark and inky, but each carries a single spot of reflected light. A tiny white sparkle like a lone star lost in a moonless sky.

"I have..." Sirius swallows, "Can I tell you somethimg?"

"Whatever you want," Remus smiles at him encouragingly.

Sirius looks down again, chewing on his lip. Remus doesn't mind, he can wait. After a little pause, Sirius takes a deep breath. It goes in loud and shaky through his lips.

"Do you want me to close the curtains?" Remus offers. Because it's always easier to talk in the dark, where you can't get distracted by faces and eyes and beautiful hands.

Not that Remus could ever not be distracted by Sirius.

"Yeah," Sirius says, his voice a little breathless. "Please."

Remus hops out of bed, draws the curtains close together, and squeezes back in beside Sirius. It's not bright outside anyway, with heavy clouds blocking the sun, rendering its rays too weak to push through the curtains. The darkness creeps over them like thick liquid.

It's funny, how your heartbeat feels louder in the dark. Like light itself carries with it some sort of sound and as soon as it's gone, you become hyper-aware of everything.

Remus feels Sirius shift a little, and his hair brushes Remus' jaw. It tickles. The blanket is drawn to their waists, and he can see the shape of Sirius' hands on his lap through the fabric. He reaches under the covers to take Sirius' hand, careful not to hurt his still-healing wrist.

Sirius takes another shaky breath before speaking. "Do you remember when Lily told you that I might..." Sirius stops to find his words, "That I might not be... That I might not work for you?"

"I do," Remus says, and then he goes completely still. Unless he's completely mistaken or plagued with horrible memory, it was just him and Lily there. "Sirius..."

"Yeah," Sirius whispers, a smile on his face that rips a tear in Remus' heart. "I heard that."

Now it's Remus' turn to crumble. He tries to focus on the warmth of Sirius' hand, but all he can feel is horrified.

"Sirius..." He repeats, finding no other words at his disposal.

"I'm sorry," Sirius says softly, curling his fingers around Remus'. "I didn't mean to listen. It was... It was an accident. I was coming up to call you for dinner... And once I heard what Lily was saying, I couldn't stop listening,"

"Sirius," Remus says again, because his name is like a barrier in his head. He can't even think of anything else until he's said it out loud. "Lily didn't mean it like that, I promise,"

"I know what she meant," Sirius says, his eyes fixed on the curtains, his face turned away.

"No," Remus tries again, "She didn't mean that... that you're not..." Remus bites his lip, trying to summon his words as quick as he needs to speak them. "That you're bad for me," he says weakly.

"Yes, she did," Sirius replies.

"She wasn't trying to hurt you, Sirius,"

"I know," Sirius smiles sadly, moving his gaze to their joined hands. "She's my friend, too, remember?"

Remus does remember.

"And that's what makes it worse," Sirius adds quietly. "So much worse."

Remus swallows, trying to rid himself of that choking feeling which he's been feeling way too often as of late. "Sirius..."

Sirius doesn't reply, but his fingers slowly tangle with Remus', joining them in a warm entwine. It must hurt him, surely, but he doesn't seem to care. Remus can't think of what to say. He can't even think of what to think.

Every second that passes by makes it so much harder to breathe, and Remus can no longer tell if he's supporting Sirius' weight or the other way around. He can't bear to look at Sirius' face, so he stares at their hands instead, at the way Sirius' pale fingertips contrast with the pink scars on the back of his hand.

"Do you want to leave?" Sirius asks, his voice barely loud enough for Remus to hear.

"No," Remus replies immediately.

Sirius looks up at him, his eyes dark and unreadable. "Is it because I tried to kill myself?"

It takes a second for the shock that comes with those words to hit Remus. But when it does, it washes over him like a tsunami wave. Drowning him and sending him into a fit, tossing him up and then pushing him down.

Because Sirius tried to kill himself.

And maybe Remus knew that, maybe he even thought about it in detail, but hearing it from Sirius' own mouth, hearing those words spill out of him so casually like he's talking about the fucking weather, it hurts.

Sirius tried to kill himself.

Remus takes a breath, reminding himself that Sirius is here, holding his hand and pressed against his shoulder. "No," he says, raising his eyes from their hands to look at Sirius, who's already looking at him.

"Because I want to be with you."

Remus' words render Sirius impossibly paler than before. "Because I want you," Remus adds.

"You want me," Sirius repeats, his voice wavering along with his gaze. His lashes fall over his eyes, blocking them from Remus' own. "Even when I'm like this?" Sirius asks. He sounds so small, so insecure.

Remus leans a bit closer to move his free hand toward Sirius. He moves Sirius' face up with his fingers, forcing their eyes to meet.

It's grey and tears and pain.

"I want you," Remus says firmly, "In every way you'll let me have you."

"Even if I hurt you?"

"The only way you ever hurt me was by pushing me away, Sirius," Remus replies, "But even then, it couldn't compare to all the good things you made me feel,"

"Good things?" Sirius asks, like it's a thought that never occurred to him before.

"Yes," Remus says, "Good things. At a time when I was feeling the complete opposite, you made me feel like I was cared for, like I was loved... Like I mattered." Remus removes his hand from Sirius' chin and places it on top of their joined hands. "And I want to make you feel those things too," he says, "Not because you did it for me and I owe it to you. But because... Because you deserve it."

A small tear rolls down Sirius' cheek. It falls on to the collar of his white t-shirt and disappears, leaving behind only a damp spot on the light fabric.

"I'm scared, Remus," Sirius whispers.

"I know," Remus tries his best to smile. "I am, too, sometimes. But it's okay. We'll be okay." He lets Sirius cry into his shoulder, smoothing his hair out of his face. Until his shoulders stop shaking with the force of his silent cries, and his body goes lax in Remus' careful hold.

Remus helps him lie down, scooting over to the very edge of the bed to give him enough space. He waits for Sirius to fall asleep, holding his hand all the while. And when he finally does, Remus slowly stands up, but not before leaning down to press a small kiss on Sirius' temple.

"I'll give you some time for yourself," Remus whispers and walks to the door. After taking one last look at the sleeping boy, he gently closes the door, wondering if at least this one thing will finally work out in his favour.

***

Author's Note

I can't anymore, guys. I have a whole list of complaints.

1) I'm going to uni to study a course I was practically blackmailed into applying for

2) I'm gonna have to move which means no more aesthetically congruent bedrooms immersed in eternal darkness

3) I got a blood count and I'm anaemic so now I'm getting shit from everyone for not eating enough

4) We're having pre-course English lessons and the stuff they teach is so basic like... I learnt about simple present tense vs. Present continuous tense vs. Present perfect tense. I mean I know that there are people who need it but for fuck's sake it's so boring... And the teacher said that

"The girl whom I loved was cheated on me"

was a correct sentence and now I'm just like... what the actual fuck you have A LITERAL DEGREE IN ENGLISH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

Sorry I really needed that out of my system. Thanks for putting up with all of my shit, you guys are amazing.

P.S. I have an ao3 where I'll be uploading my (edited?) books... it's @ xwiltedflowerx

Love all of you xx