But it's still not as haunting as the photo before it.

Remus didn't even realize that his hands are trembling. He puts the photos down in front of himself, and as if snapping back to reality only upon losing contact with them, he suddenly becomes acutely aware of the boy curled up next to him.

When Remus looks at him, he's staring right back. Arms around his legs and chin on his knees. He's watching Remus, eyes dark and shiny.

Remus places a hand on his wrist. The same wrist in the photo. "I'm sorry," he says, his voice scratchy.

Sirius shakes his head. He closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. And then he moves his wrist away from Remus' touch, only to replace it with his hand. Remus lets him tangle their fingers together.

"I was in sixth year when we met," Sirius says. He pauses, gripping Remus' hand a bit more tightly. It hurts, but Remus lets him.

"We met in some dirty street. I was lost, and too big of an idiot to ask for help," Sirius huffs out a half-hearted laugh. "He asked me if I had a lighter."

"Did you?"

"No," Sirius laughs again. "I didn't, I... I don't know why I did it, but I took out my wand and lit his cigarette with it."

Remus waits for Sirius to continue.

"He didn't question it. He never questioned anything."

"Was that a good thing?"

Sirius gives half a shrug. "I don't know... Most of the time." He releases a long sigh, stretching his legs out. "But sometimes, it just felt like he didn't care."

Remus stays quiet. He isn't entirely sure of what to say here. And he decides he'd rather stay quiet than say the wrong thing.

"I ran away because of him," Sirius says softly. "He never told me to. And it's not because of him that I wanted to. I'd wanted that for a very long time. It's just... Something about him made me feel like I could do it. Like I could do anything, and I would be okay."

"Where did you go?" Remus asks.

"Nowhere, at first," Sirius shrugs. "Just rode around. Stayed at a couple motels... And then I went to James."

Sirius sighs. "It was good," he pauses, eyes locked on the window, looking somewhere distant. Somewhere that doesn't exist. "It was so good at first, and I was happy. Until I wasn't."

"What happened?" Remus asks, looking at their hands again.

"I don't know," Sirius shrugs, finally looking at him. "Nothing happened. I'm just fucked in the head,"

"You're not fucked in the head," Remus frowns. Sirius looks at him in silence for a while before a small smile breaks out across his lips. "You'd say that," he says softly, "Of course you would."

"I'm not lying," Remus tells him sincerely.

"I know," Sirius replies. He removes his hand from Remus' and raises it, as if he's going to touch Remus elsewhere, but he ends up letting it drop.

"James didn't like him," Sirius says, turning to the window again. "They never got to meet, but James never liked him. We fought a lot those days, James and I. And I can't blame him... If he sneaked out of Hogwarts every other night and came back drunk out of his mind, I wouldn't be happy, either."

Remus waits for him to continue. "But he made me happy, Remus. He made me feel so good. At least he did back then."

Remus reaches for Sirius' hand. The skin is pale and bare. "Did he hurt you?" He asks quietly.

Sirius turns to him again and follows his gaze down to his wrist. "It... it isn't like you think," he says weakly. "He didn't mean to."

"What happened?" Remus asks, moving a bit closer.

Sirius shakes his head. "He was drunk. We both were, and it just... We fought." Sirius closes his eyes, his forehead creasing into a frown. Remus takes both of his hands in his.

"Sirius," he calls.

"After Hogwarts, I... I moved in with him," Sirius opens his eyes. "It was the shittiest place I'd ever seen, Remus. But I didn't mind... I thought we could be happy. And I... I thought he was enough. And I hated James for telling me he was bad for me. I hated him so much for it," Sirius' voice gives way to a choked sob which rattles its way out of his body. Remus wraps his arms around him, taking care not to hurt him. He's not sure if he wants Sirius to speak of this any longer.

"Can you imagine?" Sirius gasps into the bend of Remus' shoulder. "James... He was there for me through everything and I... I still hated him anyway."

Remus doesn't say anything. Because he doesn't know what to say. He squeezes his eyes shut, willing his tears to go away. He can feel Sirius trying not cry, how his whole body is tense with the effort of it.

"It's okay now," Remus finally whispers. He can smell the flowers in Sirius' hair, and it reminds him that no matter what, they're here now. Together.

"I feel like—" Sirius' words are muffled by Remus' jumper, "—we were never the same after that. He's still my best friend but... We're not..."

"It's okay," Remus repeats. He only half believes it himself, but he really wants to. "It's not your fault, Sirius."

Sirius wipes his face with the back of his palm, pushing himself a bit closer to Remus. "That day we fought," he whispers, "It's the last time I ever saw him."

The words send a shiver down Remus' spine. He squeezes Sirius' shoulders.

"I told him I never wanted to see him again." The way Sirius laughs breaks Remus' heart. "And I never did. Not alive, anyway."

"I'm so sorry," Remus whispers into his hair.

"And you know what's the best part?" Sirius laughs, tears streaming down his face. "I don't even remember what we fought about. Can you believe it? I can't even—" he can't talk anymore. With a loud cry, he finally breaks, falling to pieces right as Remus holds him, right in Remus' arms.

"I'm sorry," Remus whispers again. He can feel his own tears, burning their way down his cheeks. He doesn't want to look at Sirius, because he's scared of what it would do to him to see Sirius like that. So he holds him tight, rocking them back and forth.

"He was run over," Sirius wheezes, clutching at Remus' jumper. "Too high to tell a green light from red."

Remus doesn't say anything. He can feel every painful breath Sirius drags in. It takes him a minute to realize just how much pain Sirius must be in. He pulls away quickly, taking Sirius by his shoulders. "It's not your fault," he says softly, "Please, tell me you know that you had nothing to do with it."

Sirius looks up at him, lips trembling and large tears spilling down his cheeks.

"Please, Sirius," Remus whispers, moving a hand to his face and hastily wiping his years away. The sight of Sirius' tears break his heart all over again, and Remus can feel his vision blur. "Please tell me you're not blaming yourself. Please,"

Sirius doesn't reply.

Remus wipes Sirius' face once more. "That day when you... When you crashed your bike," he says softly, "Was it James' fault?"

Sirius frowns, his breathing finally easing a little. "What?" He asks,  voice hoarse.

"I know James missed your calls that night," Remus says. "And if he blamed himself, would that be fair?"

"It's... It's different. He's not... I'm..." Sirius squeezes his eyes shut, shaking his head. "It's different," he whispers.

"Is it?" Remus asks. His hands are still on Sirius' cheeks from when he wiped his tears away. "Is it, really?"

Sirius opens his mouth to reply, but he ends up saying nothing.

"It's different," he repeats.

"But not as much as you think," Remus says. "You didn't kill him, Sirius. And you didn't want him to die. It's not your fault."

Sirius looks down. He doesn't reply. Remus knows that his mind is probably still unchanged, but he decides he can always try again later. Some other day, when they're both ready to talk about it again.

***

Author's Note

Fuuuuck why is this scene not ending? Now I have to do another part on it gh