"Not now."

Not now, not now... Not now, not now.

The words replayed in my mind like a broken record with an unfathomably horrid tune.

I kept telling myself, soon.

Someday I would tell him. 

Soon. Soon.

But it was appearing to me that the word soon was just a mask for, not now.

If I told him the truth, would he forgive me...?

No, he would hate me even more for placing the blame of my own actions on his back, piling it on the weight he already carried. He would hate me. It was written in my veins; in the blue and red array of colors that swam down my arms and attached to my heart.

He would-

My elbow knocked over a glass of water propped on a table inside the empty Mess Hall. The glass shattered, the shards spilling down the waterfall of invisible color, snapping me out of my cluttered thoughts.
The sharp sound of the crash filled the empty room, a jolt of shock zipping through me.

After a moment, I took a calming breath, relaxing myself before crouching down to pick up the mess I made.

My fingers reached for a triangular splinter of glass, but before I could take hold of it, I took notice of a reflection that feathered inside. My shoulders stilted as I brought my chin up, seeing the cause of the glimmering image.

"... You should be more careful," A hand extended downward, scooping up a handful of glass and cupping the fragile pieces carefully. I blinked daftly, starstruck by who I saw.

Levi...

He mirrored my pose, also crouching down as he assisted me in picking up my mess...

This struck me in a way I didn't think it would have.

He was cleaning up the mess that I had fabricated myself, holding those shards in his palm ever so resiliently without a single complaint. He was holding them the same way he held my burden atop his lean shoulders, carrying it for me.

Those silly glass pieces symbolized my mistakes and my failures-

And he was holding them in his hand.

... I picked up a piece he missed. It was the least I could do.

"Sorry..." I said in a shrill whisper, lifting my gaze to meet his. I could see my reflection in his barren eyes that held no words, and yet so many all at the same time. It was as if I was seeing myself for the first time, finally able to greet the girl who stood staring back at me. And when I looked even deeper into her eyes, I saw Levi staring back at himself, too.

I peered down at the pile he held.

I put my palms out, both of them facing upward, gesturing for him to dump his load into my hands so I could release him from the weight that rested there. He gave me a brief look that spoke volumes in the quietude that held us apart, and eventually, he poured the glass from his grasp into mine.

A small, gentle smile crept up my cheeks.

"Thank you." I voiced through the dimly lit room, eyes still interlaced with his. I felt like I was being puppeted by that face. Every blink extracted my breath, and every twitch of his curved bottom lip made me go numb. He watched me get up with that unadorned look in his eyes while I stood.

I charted my course over to a trash bin squeezed between the corner of two walls, walking over quickly.
I opened my fingers, letting the glass plummet into the dark pit below, hearing it crack into even smaller bits at the impact in the bottom.

I heard Levi shift behind me, telling me that he was now standing as well.
I glanced over at him, awkwardness now tugging at my chest.

I didn't know what to say...

The chilling deafness of the room haunted me.

Levi's hard gaze wafted over to the door of the Mess Hall, and his legs began following where his eyes were taking him.
He walked right past me, not a single word spared as he slowly opened the door and let the midnight wind bound inside. Dust peppered all over the unswept floors.

I watched as his silhouette blended with the darkness that engulfed the world outside, and felt a stronger gust of wind slam into me as the door shut completely. Strands of my hair fell out from behind my ears.

I tucked them back in.

"I'm... Sorry."

I called after him.

The words began to occupy the cramped space in my head again.

Not now, not now.

Not now.

I kept my eyes on the door

Soon.

My eyes closed.

Soon...

●●●

《 Chapter 4 》• Humming Bird

●●●

"That one's not a weed, Connie..."

I guided his hand away from the plant that lived peacefully in the mix of the vibrant garden, the green stem wriggling in Connie's tight grasp. He released the plant immediately after hearing my correction.

"Oh..." He mumbled, embarrassed.

I gave him a warm smile, showing him there was nothing to be embarrassed about. It had taken me many years of close observation to realize what was an invasive weed vs. what was a late blooming rose-bud. It was easy to get the two mixed up.

I heared the distant murmur of the brook that ran through the outskirts of the Scouting HeadQuarters, listening to how it bubbled quietly and played an old refreshing song.
This made me think about just how far into spring we were. The ice caps blocking the water flow must have melted ages ago, and I only just now realized.

I felt someone brush past from behind. I slipped my gaze through my working arms and spotted Mikasa carrying a bucket of sloshing water down to the dry section of the Garden. She bent down, tipping the bucket ever so slightly to just let little bits out at a time, careful to not drown the plants.

Her once empty expression had cracked, and a soft sparkle gleamed in her eyes as she tended to the sprouting roses around her. The beams of light from the sun made her cheeks glow a flushed pink, and she looked almost like a young girl first discovering and enjoying the beauty of a flower.

And the longer I looked at her, the more I realized that she, too, was a flower herself.

A small puff of air escaped my lips as my smile grew gently.

I stood from where I sat next to Connie, picking my feet up and walking down the narrow dirt trail, stopping just as I reached her. I placed my knees in the mud the water had created, and began to pluck any missed weeds out of the area. Mikasa looked at me.

"You seem to enjoy gardening," I started up the conversation, sharing my smile with her. "It's good to see you so entertained by something."

Mikasa caught my smile, a tiny one planting itself on her face as well. It was hardly visible, but I could see it because of the way the suns finger pointed directly at it.

"My mother and I used to garden like this," She began, turning her attention back to watering the roses. "My father would sometimes help us with growing crops, but usually he would just spend his time hunting if we needed food..." Her eyes flickered with a warm burst of nostalgia.

I only hummed in response, eyes still on the weeds. My nails dug into the spine of a dandelion, pulling the roots straight out of the brown dirt.

I knew of bits of her past, so I refrained from speaking directly of her parents, afraid I'd spark unwanted memories. Instead, I focused on the more joyous aspects.

"You know, I've been holed up in these HeadQuarters for so long. I've always wanted to buy a house when I got the chance," I wiped a bead of sweat off my chin, the hot sun draining my energy. "With a garden, too," I then chuckled a bit. "If I ever get to retire, I hope I'll be able to rest somewhere beautiful with a garden. Preferably somewhere by the sea... Do you think they'll make houses there someday?"

Mikasa only shrugged.

"I'm unsure... But I know Armin would like that," She then put the bucket down, no more than a few drops of water remaining in the bottom. The tin handle clanked against it. "... Eren, too."

When she spoke his name, there was a slight hoarseness to her hushed voice, but her sparkling eyes remained the same. I didn't say anything, just kept focusing solely on the task ahead of me. Or at least...
I tried to.

On the other end of the red lushed garden stood the tranquil figure of the Captain.

His raven colored fringe swung down over his grey eyes as he knelt in the bushes, his fingers grazing the petals of a fully bloomed rose. He stared down at the alluring shape of the youthful flower, but did not fall victim to its call. He did not pluck it, but rather released it daintly- Leaving it to join the harmonized beauty of the sublime garden.

I was enchanted by the way he appeared to be so at peace with the nature that flourished in his hands, unable to peel my eyes away. He just stared at the flower for a moment longer, and then, suddenly, out from the mouth of shrub came a humming bird, the pink and orange feathered wings an ombre of bright colors that ghosted over the rose. It hovered there, lavishing in the sweet nectar of the pollen inside.

Levi was watching it just the same as I was, both of us staring fondly as the tiny bird scattered around after feeding off the sugar of the flower. It then took for the sky, disappearing in the blur of light, leaving nothing but a mysterious silence to wash over the distance between Levi and I.

The humming bird had acted as a miniscule wall between us, and now that it was gone-

Our eyes met. Just as they always did.

He didn't move, and neither did I.

Both of us just sat there, staring, watching, and wondering when the other would look away.

But we never did.

I felt like I never wanted to look away, like my purpose was to just sit here with our eyes tethered together for the rest of time, until the world crumbled away into nothing more than particles of dust.

And the longer I held those distant eyes, the more breathless I felt.

Then, he looked away.

And I did too.