I remember the meetings. The misted morning air seeping in from the open window, the speeches, the run-throughs, the talks that ran on and on for minutes on end without time to stop and take a proper breath.

I remember Erwin's booming voice sketching out a plan so submersively for yet another expedition that we thought would be another stepping stone, when really it was just another adverse pothole to stick your foot in and stumble overtop all the lies we've fed ourselves with a crooked spoon.

Things never go as planned.

Nobody knows that better than the ones executing every detail from the blueprints they've constructed.

Nobody knew that better than Erwin— Than the Scouts.

We were always doomed from the start.

... So why did we fight?

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《 Chapter 25 》• A Gravestone Called Hope •

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Droplets of rain glided down my skin, loose strands of my hair plastered to my face. My expression was devoid of any visible emotion, because all the turmoil I felt was implanted deep within my heart, and that's where I'd like to keep it. I never favored breaking down. It only made things worse.

The long, heavy green overcoat I wore signified the occasion.

Today was the anniversary of the retake of Wall Maria.

The anniversary of Commander Erwin's death.

The death of hundreds.

I was standing in the cemetery, my eyes glued to the headstones that had turned dark grey from the falling rain, the mud squelching beneath my boots as I took a staggered step forward. My lips pursed into a thin, perturbed line as the memories came rushing in like a pack of wild dogs- Dogs with no mercy, with no thought other than to shred and kill.

It hurt unbelievably bad, and yet I refused to cry. For them, I needed to stay strong; gallant and resolute.

...

"We're heading off." Hange placed a stiff palm on the curve of my shoulder, squeezing gently before letting go. She began walking away with a few of the others who had been here to commemorate the fallen. I didn't have to say anything for them to know that I intended on staying a little longer. I always did.

My feet felt cemented to the ground.

I stared down at the gravestone carved with the sickening truth I'd prayed for so many years was all just some sort of hellacious dream.

Beneath the tarnished soil of the gravestone lie an empty casket, because his real body was left deserted to rot in the houses of a town near the basement he had so eagerly dreamt of discovering.

And yet, to no avail.

I couldn't help but wonder just how many of the caskets below my sodden boots were empty. To think of how many bodies we failed to retrieve— How many people we failed to save.

I couldn't help but wonder if they felt liberated by death, or incarcerated by the fate that took them by the hands and dragged them bellow the surface of all that they fought for.

My jaw clenched, my fingers abiding by that same reaction and folding into a fist.

"You're going to catch a shitty cold out here." I heard that nonchalant, stony voice behind me and immediately knew who it was. I glanced over my shoulder at him.

"I think me catching a cold is the least of our worries." I replied, the rain running down my lips as if to wash the bitter taste of those words out of my mouth as I stared at him. I blinked the water out of my bland, yet grieving eyes.

"Maybe not the most important, but definitely not the least." Levi said, walking up beside me to look at the gravestone, his feet sinking into the sopping mud. He kept his eyes trained on it as he spoke. "I'd rather not have to take care of you again like you're some sort of helpless toddler." He input dryly, likely referring to when I had been drunk and he aided me in recovering. I remained silent.

"Your health matters too. Otherwise, you might just wither away and get stuffed in a shit grave that people can walk all over with their filthy feet." He bit, careful not to tred too far into the territory of the grave. Depsite it being empty below, it was respectful to be wary of where you put your feet.

Especially since this grave was Erwin's.

"Well, at least if I died from the common cold, you'd have a body to bury." I answered solemnly, my hands still clenched into dense fists. My tone was riddled with both frustration and remorse at the fact we had to give up a proper burial for so many people. It was unfair.

Levi exhaled briefly. "That would be a bummer. And a shitshow." He rolled his eyes, sinking his hands down into the pockets of his drenched overcoat. "I take it back. I'd rather have to put up with you acting like a helpless toddler than have to bury your ass six feet under."

I snorted almost involuntarily. His words seemed to pluck out something positive out of the disorganized box of emotions I kept shut within me. He never ceased to alleviate some of the pain I felt whenever he joked around like that. I guess I was thankful for it.

"Well then I suppose I won't be dying anytime soon." I mused, my breath coming out soft, mingling with the fog that circulated around my face. "Guess you're stuck with me."

"Like glue." Levi chimed with an adamant tone, as if he would refuse to have it any other way. I craned my neck to look at him now, my eyes fixated on his refined profile. I stood there for a little while, just staring.

"... Like glue." I reiterated.

Levi's tense shoulders, which I failed to realize till now, dropped into a more eased position. I held my gaze on him, before I let a few more words slip from my lips in the form of a breath.

"Levi." I drew in his attention. "You shouldn't have forgiven me."

It seemed that I didn't need to elaborate. His expression darkened, an opaque shadow of which I couldn't read through casting over his face.

He scowled before he took his hands out of his pockets and reached out, gripping the vertically elongated collar of my overcoat, pulling me close, our chests colliding.

"Listen to me, and listen to me carefully." His words came out, the tip of his tongue sharp and intensely earnest. His eyes blazed with a fiery passion akin to a furnace of blue flames, holding me steady as the rain plundered down.

"I don't give a damn about whether I should or shouldn't have." It was like I unlocked a part of him he'd been dying to release.

"If you want to keep spouting nonsense to yourself, be my guest. But don't go running your mouth to me about things you don't understand. I forgave you because there was never even a reason to hold a grudge in the first place." Levi berated, clutching onto the thickly woven fabric of my overcoat, his knuckles turning whiter in contrast to his already pale skin.

"But-"

"I thought I made it as clear as when you step in shit-" He began. "I don't resent you. Never have, never will. Get that through your thick skull already."

"Lev-"

"I don't have time to deal with your shithead pity party." Levi pressed on, his face dangerously close to mine. I could feel his cold breath down my neck, a sensation that made me shiver under the added touch of rain.

His gaze intertwined with mine, as it always did.

"You mean the world to me." He confessed.

My spinning mind came to a halt. It was like the rain stopped in the sky, the droplets a glistening arrangement that sparkled like polished diamonds around us. I didn't know if I was breathing, or even blinking. But it hardly mattered.

All I knew is that I was looking at him, and him only.

"I'll be damned before I let you continue to keep feeling sorry for yourself. Pick yourself up already and quit acting like a spoiled brat." Levi ordered grimly, his narrowed eyes still locked with mine. "You think Erwin gives a shit that you failed to take his place?"

"This isn't just about Erwin!" I finally got a word in the moment I saw an opening, my own glare contorting my previously stunned expression.

"Then why the hell else are you so hell-bent on refusing to just let me forgive you and call it a happy ending?"

"Because it's about you!"

...

My exclamation seemed to dig into his joints, jamming the gears that kept him living and breathing shut. He went slack, his eyes boring into mine. His grip on my collar loosened.

"You idiot." He hissed, those two words nearly a whisper. "I told you already that I-"

"It's about you." I repeated, mainly to silence him, and also to emphasize what that meant. I needed him to know. To truly understand. But no matter what I said, it was all so damn redundant. I needed to figure out how to get through to him.

I took a breath. "If you want to forgive me, go ahead." I said. "I won't stop you."

Now it was my turn to grip the collar of his military overcoat, brows knitting together into a blunt line.

"But I can't forgive myself. I spent so long staring at you across every room, drafting a hundred and one different ways to apologize, and yet I never did. You beat me to it." I alluded.

"To apologize for what I did to you."

There was a moment of silence that dragged on between us, before I broke through it.

"Not just for blaming you that day, but for not having the damn guts to apologize, to be there for you, to give you a shoulder to lean on when you needed it the most out of all of us." My hands shook for a moment before I forced them steady. "I was selfish. I was so focused on my pain that every time I saw yours I brushed it under the rug without batting an eye."

"[Y/n], don't be ridiculous."

"Being ridiculous is what I'm good at." I replied instantaneously. "I think I made that as obvious as when you step in shit." I quoted his words.

Levi and I gazed at eachother for what seemed like minutes, hours, years...

"You have always had a good heart. Even behind that stoic facade you put up." I said more delicately now, as if my voice was tredding over him like he was made of glass.

The rain slowed, but persisted. It was as if it was muting itself so I could let these words reach their full potential, so Levi could indefinitely understand what I was feeling, and what I so eagerly wanted to convey.

The silence returned.

And so did my words.

"And I can't believe I had the guts to taint something so beautiful. "