The story I'd just told took a major tole on my ability to stand up straight, slumping back against the counter, my palms sweating profusely.
I was choking on my heartbeat, averting Levi's eyes in an attempt to not see whatever emotion may be prominent inside.
And then I remembered the apology.
Now is the time to apologize...
My nails dug into the counter.
Apologize to him, damn you!
...
"I'm sorry."
That voice wasn't mine.
I craned my head upward, eyes round as I met his forlorn gaze for the first time since I began the story.
Levi was looking at me with the most sensitive face I'd ever seen. He had pronounced those word so softly I had to stop and ask myself if this was really the headstrong Captain I was so accustomed to.
Levi was not the evil man many made him out to be. I had not expected him to hate me so much more than I assumed he already did, but this hardly met the poor fantasy in my head I had of his potential reaction.
I thought he'd shut me out completely, leaving me nothing more than a fragment of the diseased past.
Yet here I was, proven wrong once again.
"... Why are you apologizing?" I asked, an involuntary shiver running down my spine as his eyes were fixed on mine.
"I've been..."
He paused, then let out a feeble sigh.
"A dick to you." Levi responded somewhat breathlessly, shaking his head. "I didn't know... It was hurting you this badly."
I hid my face in the shadow he cast. "It's not your fault."
Yes. It wasn't his fault.
"None of it was."
Levi shook his head. "No, maybe not..." He intoned earnestly. "But that doesn't change anything. I've hurt you, and honestly it's... Not a nice feeling knowing how long I've sat on my ass and done nothing about it."
"You shouldn't be apologizing to me," I could not believe my ears. "Not after what I said to you. I should be the one apologizing to you."
Levi glared. "I understand why you said what you did. If you won't let me apologize to you, then don't apologize to me, either, [Y/n]. There's nothing I hold against you."
"How?!" I cried out, brows knitting together. The kitchen was drafty and cold, not allowing my faint shaking to die down. "How could you not hold anything against me... After everything I've done?"
Levi stared right through me.
"Because it didn't ruin my image of you. You'll always be that whiny, hot-headed woman I've known for so many years, the woman I've grown to adore after being forced to put up with her for this long," Levi watched my eyes map out all of his features as he delivered the small joke. "And I'm not some bratty kid who's going to hate you all because of something you said when you weren't in your right mind."
"But I know my words hurt you. Why are you so quick to forgive me?"
"I won't lie," He admit. "They did hurt. They hurt so damn bad I didn't know what to do with myself for the longest time- But I didn't want to dwell on it, because I knew there was still a chance out there that we could..." He trailed off for a moment, then picked his voice up once he drew in an icy breath.
His eyes sparkled under the pale blue moonlight that came in through the back window, an ocean of clouds now leaving and unblocking it.
"That we could go back to being idiots together again."
I almost broke out in tears. This honest confession that came from this man was healing me in such a painful way. I couldn't accept the fact he didn't hate me after convincing myself that he did for many endless days, months, and years.
Then one, final question found itself on the tip of my tongue.
"... Then... Tell me, Levi," My voice quivered.
"Why did you look at me like you had no idea who I was?"
I was sure he knew what I meant.
There were many uncountable times he had gazed at me with eyes that held no memory, eyes that chose to ignore the past that tied us together.
I wanted to know why.
...
Levi's head tilted sideways as he deepened our connected gaze, his eyes softening.
"... I had assumed you hated me, so I decided it would be best to willingly cut you out of my life and avoid feeling the pain of loosing you in any other way," He answered sullenly. "I... Didn't want to see you if it meant being unable to be around you."
The room around us collapsed, leaving the world to disintegrate at our feet. My heart was a delicate thing that needed to be handled with prudent care when paired with his strong, watchful expression.
I felt myself give in to his honesty.
I felt the need to act upon impulse, barely restraining my need to do something I've been dreaming of since the day I lost him
Maybe it was too much...
Maybe I was letting myself go too far too soon...
But after finding out he didn't resent me, I couldn't hold myself back.
"I-"
"Don't apologize." He insisted that I remained silent. But I was not inclined to obey.
I now allowed myself to put some of my armor back on, taking a deep, wonderful breath that I hadn't expected to feel so enlightening. A huge amount of weight had been torn off my shoulders, and I was beginning to feel like myself again.
"I wasn't going to," I told him. "I was going to tell you that I don't."
"Don't what?"
"Hate you."
Levi froze.
"As a matter of fact I-"
I was stumped. I didn't know how to put what I was feeling into words...
"I... I think it's better if I just show you."
He looked perplexed now, but immediately stiffened when I stepped forward and embraced him, my arms wrapped around his back, head burrowing in his shoulder. This was definitely overstepping a boundary, but I felt like it was a necessary one to cross. As untimely as it may be, I needed it.
And from the way I felt him sink into my hold, I knew he needed it too.
His hands were hesitant yet eager as they trailed around my back and ascended across my shoulder blades, stopping along my spine as he returned the altruistic hug. His heart was overtop mine as our chests were pressed together in the tranquility of the moment. I never wanted to release him, the sweet, laundered scent of his freshly washed night-shirt consoling my spiked nerves and allowing me to fully take in the sensation of his arms around me.
He was warm, and strong, and I couldn't get enough of it. I'd been missing out on this hug for years, this tender moment between us postponed for an insufferable amount of time that I'd never get back. I wanted to reel in as much of him as I could.
"Thank you..." I spoke into his shoulder, my lips brushing across his sleeve.
And then I let go, feeling like I'd selfishly stolen too much of his compassion.
"For what?" His fingers slipped off my ribcage as we stepped back from one another, hand now back at his side.
"For... Giving me the time to sort things out..." I was staring at his hand, longingly reminiscing his touch. "And for... Letting me do that."
My eyes were on his again.
Levi was silent for a moment, and then he broke it by stepping past me and delivering a short, playfully soft punch to my upper-arm.
"Yeah, well," He was under the rusted doorway of the kitchen now. "Don't get used to it, I'm not good with this sappy stuff."
Classic Levi.
Making jokes regardless of the situation.
I smiled, passing it unto him as a thanks for allowing me to finally rid myself that dreadful secret.
And once he saw my smile, he turned, and left.
I was standing there, thankful for his response...
I felt a million times better...
But...
I couldn't help but feel like I shouldn't have been forgiven so easily...
●●●
《 Chapter 21 》• The Time I Took To See Your Heart
●●●
The next morning, I wasn't as well rested as I was expecting. After putting our broken bond back together, I had assumed sleep would come easily, but it didn't.
I was kept awake by the knawing feeling of desire to see Levi again, to fill in every missing gap in the years we'd spent apart. I was impatient and in a frenzy, feeling so many emotions all at once whenever my mind strayed and landed on him throughout the lonely night...
I didn't know if he shared the same thoughts, so I didn't want to pry my way into his life again so quickly... But I wanted to see him. As soon as I could, I wanted to see him.
Still, I couldn't just waltz my way into his office and immediately start chatting like good ol' pals out of the blue like I so wished.
I know that things have been cleared up... But it felt too out of place to just act like nothing happened.
Sure, the heavy weight of the secret was lifted off my shoudlers, but the strain it put on my muscles remained.
I still felt ashamed, in a way.
I wanted to see him, but felt like I still didn't have the right to do so.
My emotions were contradicting eachother.
I sat lamely at the foot of my bed, toes kicking at the slippers on the floor below. I huffed an exasperated sigh, grinding my teeth as I debated the idea of going to find Levi or just letting things flow naturally.
And then there was a thudding knock on my bedroom door. I perked up.
Was it Levi?
Had he come to see me?
I peered at the door, inquisitive and expectant as I rose from the sinking mattress. I brushed off my nightwear, slightly embarrassed as I imagined Levi seeing me in such attire, face flushing red at the thought. I didn't have time to change though, so I hurried to the door and opened it, the musted scent of the barren hallway filling my nose.
Much to my disappointment, it wasn't Levi.
"Hange?" I inquired soundly, raising a lone brow. "What are you doing here so early?"
Hange readjusted her copper wired glasses with her ring finger, the frames glinting as they met the light from the burning candle in my room. It was the only source of illumination, seeing as it was still dark outside despite it being morning.
"To take back what I said," She explained, then turned her lensed eyes to the empty bedroom behind me. "Can I come in?"
"Be my guest," I stepped aside, still feeling confused as to why she said what she did.
Hange went and pulled out the chair that was pushed under the desk in the corner of my room, sitting on it as she shook her head. I went and sat on the bed across from her, waiting for her to speak.
"It was wrong of me to put so much pressure on you like that," Hange placed her elbows on her knees and propped her head on top of her knuckles as her hands were balled into tight fists. "You shouldn't have to feel obligated to do something you're not ready for. I feel like I was being unfair."
"Is this about what you said to me about Levi? If that's the case, then I alre-"
Hange pulled the chair forward, legs of it scratching loudly across the hardwood floor as she reached and took my hands in hers, gripping them tightly.
"What a terrible thing it was to tell you to apologize to him. You didn't even do anything wrong! How awful of me," Hange's head fell. "As Commander, and your friend, I should have been more considerate of your feelings."
"First of all, I... Did do something wrong... But that doesn't really matter all that much right now bec-"
"Gosh! How foolish I am! Forget it all, damn it all, never apologize to him for all I care! I just want you to be happy. I was being too pushy. I'm so sorry!" The words Hange was speaking have obviously been on her mind for heaven-knows how long.
But right now I was overwhelmed with her interruptions.
"Hange, stop interrupting me and listen!" I gripped her hand tighter, nails almost digging into her tanned skin. "Levi and I... We cleared things up. I'm not mad at you, save that apology for when you actually do something wrong. You were just worried about us, I understand. You don't have to feel bad for trying to bring us back together."
Hange paused, dumbfounded.
"You... Made things up?!"
I nodded soundly.
Her jaw fell open.
"This- This is great news!" She exuberantly stood from her chair, pulling me to my feet with her. "What did you two say?!"
"... Ah..." I bit the inside of my cheek. "It's kind of a long story."
Hange's eyes exploded with interest. "Do tell!"
As much as I wanted to save the story for another time, I knew there was no escaping Hange.
So I told her. I told her every detail. I told her how he'd cornered me, and how I'd broke, unable to keep it from him any longer.
But I left out the secret... I didn't have the strength to spill it again in less than a day...
Hange listened closely, drawing in everything I said intently.
"I'm glad to hear this..." She finally said after a long while, the curtains of my room swaying as a breeze snuck in from the cracked window. "Truly, this is wonderful news."
I toyed with the loose threads on my shirt.
"Though, as happy as I am, I do really mean it when I say I'm sorry for trying to force this upon you," Hange leaned back into the wooden chair, the old spine of it creaking. "I should have minded my own business."
"No," I folded my hands together neatly in my lap. "I'm actually glad you did... I think it gave me a necessary push. Don't apologize, Hange."
So many apologies in so little time... Soon we'd all be apologizing to the floor for stepping on it.
Hange smiled at me, grateful for my consoling words. "That's relieving..."
She adjusted the band holding her messy auburn hair up, tugging the loose strands out and letting them fall lazily to frame her face.
"There's still a lot to do though," I admit lousily. "I don't think everything's been cleaned from the plate. I still have a lot to say to him."
"I'm sure you do," Hange extended a friendly hand, patting my shoulder comfortingly.
The sun-imitating candlelight flitted over the silent room.
"And I'm sure he still has a lot to say to you."
...
Authors Note;
Hi!
So, I'm sure you're all very impatient for the spicier stuff, right?
I mean, come on, it's the 21st chapter and this is the first real step toward anything big. I must be a pretty boring author for that, right? Lol.
Haha...
I get this story may possibly be too much of a slow-burn for some people. But I wanted to put a lot of raw emotion into this story, rather than it being some boring and generic fanfiction.
I promise you, once we get to the big stuff, it won't disappoint. (Or maybe it will, it depends on the type of person you are and what you find interest in.)
Right now, all I can promise is that the next few chapters may be a little slow still, but we are progressing into deeper romantic connection. We're so close!
So stay tuned!
Or don't.
I'll be writing my ass off for you guys, so please don't leave any negative comments. (I'll cry I'm sensitive.)
I will also try and speed things up a little, so the next chapters may be a little sloppy in the process.
With that said,
Next Chapter!