It was lurking in the dark of my mind, clinging to the back of my eyelids and causing me to fall ill with a harrowing fever I couldn't break.

The truth.

The story of how it all happened.

It was dragging me under with each nescient breath taken, seething with desire to be revealed.

Not now.

Soon.

Those words angered it tremendously.

I had to tell him before my mind consumes itself entirely.

Before the world at my feet dissolves into nothing but cruel shame meant for me and my sins.

Tell him.

I have to tell him.

●●●

《 Chapter 18 》• Red Is The Color Of The Ocean

●●●

I had shot down his heartfelt confession last night, and I honestly wasn't ready to see him again after that.

I was a fool.

That much is obvious.

I need to suck it up and spill this damned secret- to let it overflow from my head and flood the world around me. I had once fought so hard to keep it swept under the rug, to cover it with excuses and more lies. I hadn't tried to make myself seem like a saint, but I did not want my sins to be brought to light...

So I can't tell him.

I just can't.

...

"[Y/n], hey!" I stopped walking, the long, light brown skirt I wore flowing around my ankles in response to the abrupt stop. I craned my neck to see whom it was who called my name, trying to pinpoint the person in the crowded street.

And then I saw him.

Nile Dok. Member of the Military Police.

"Oh, Nile," I greeted him, holding onto a basket of groceries I'd fetched around town. It was a busy day today, everyone bustling around merchant stands and shoving their ways into stores. It was loud and crazy out here. I'm surprise I even heard Nile in the first place.

Nile walked up with his arms crossed.

"It's been awhile," He spoke lightly as he came to my side. "Care if I walk with you?"

I shook my head. "Be my guest."

So the two of us walked through the streets, narrowly dodging the dashing figures of children and energetic adults eager to purchase their goods before the weekday is long over.

Nile's voice spoke again.

"How've the Scouts been holding up?" He asked as he looked at me. "I've only gotten recent updates from the papers and occasionally some higher ups, but I haven't heard from you guys in quite some time."

I held the groceries to my chest, the vibrations of my voice traveling through the woven basket. "We've held up pretty well," I answered. "I wouldn't really say anything really changed other than our number of trained soldiers. Otherwise, things are what you'd expect."

Nile nodded. "Right, that makes sense..."

I knew Nile to be a friend of Erwins. Or at least, he used to be. Their relationship was quite rocky, but when Nile received the news of Erwin's passing, he had a distant look in his eyes that told me everything he never spoke aloud. He's taken a lot more interest in the Scouts after that day, like he's trying to stand in for Erwin's absence, like he's trying to repay a debt he never had the chance to repay when Erwin was still alive and breathing.

Then a thought hit me.

"Nile?"

He looked up at the passing clouds, humming in response as a way to tell me to keep speaking.

"Do you mind if I ask you a question?"

Nile was my best chance at figuring things out. I couldn't ask Hange, or the kids, and especially not Levi.

So he was the only option I had.

"Go ahead." He answered.

"What... Would you do if you had a secret that's been separating you from the person you care about the most, that's been burdening you forever, but you can't bring yourself to tell them?" The question came out bitterly on my tongue.

Nile gave me a funny look.

"Well..." He began. "Let's see..."

The clouds kept moving in a slow fashioned pace, sweeping over the sun.

Nile placed his eyes on the path ahead.

"I'd tell them regardless."

"Even if that means they'll hate you?"

"Even if it means they'll hate me."

The response was simple, but strong. It hit me in a way that opened my eyes just a little more,

But not enough.

"I'm not going to ask who this is about," Nile said, reaching in his pocket and resting his hand inside. "But whoever it is, I think they'd appreciate you telling them."

I gave him a curious glance.

"No matter how horrible the secret may be, nobody wants to live in ignorance," He said plainly. "I believe it is much better to move in a terrible truth than to stay stuck in a sweet lie."

The clouds left the company of the sun, the light blanketing the town once more.

Nile smiled at me. "If you have a burdening secret, then you should let go of it." He pat me on the shoulder with the hand that wasn't in his pocket.

I smiled back at him.

"You're right," I readjusted my grip on the basket. "Thank you, Nile."

He nodded. "My pleasure."

...
After awhile, Nile and I parted ways. He had to return to his post, his job.

And I had to return to mine.

And when I got back to HeadQuarters, I was met with the usual stuffiness of the empty corridors, cobwebs spun in the corners of the halls, pricking me with a million questions.

Had Levi not noticed?

Normally, he'd be all over things like this, scrubbing away anything worthy of dirtying his reputation as a clean-freak. But recently, he hasn't been as crazed about it.

I sighed, sweeping my fingers over the walls as I walked by, a buildup of dust forming on them. I held the basket with one hand, heading toward the kitchen stationed in the Mess Hall. When I entered, nobody was inside. My slip-on shoes clacked against the wooden floorboards, carrying me toward my destination.

I set the basket on the kitchen counter, pulling out the mass of groceries I had bought for those who spent their time in the HeadQuarters. My fingers trailed down a glass jar of jam, and I pushed it away from the edge of the counter, afraid I'd drop it and Levi would suddenly appear to clean up the glass and ask me if I'm alright again.

... Or maybe I should drop it.

No, don't be an idiot.

You pushed him away, keep him away.

I bit down on my lip, trying to suppress my thoughts about Levi. I needed to stop thinking about him so much. No good would come from it.

Stay away from him.

He deserves a chance to be happy, and I was the one who made that chance difficult for him, even more difficult than it once was.

I need to stay away.

"Keep him away..."

...

"I get the feeling you're talking about me."

My fingers impulsively wrapped around the jar they rested upon, squeezing it so tightly that it might as well break regardless of if I dropped it or not.

"Levi-"

I turned around, jar still in hand.

Levi slipped his fingers between mine, pulling the jar out of my trembling hold.

"I don't trust you with this," He sneered, placing it back on the counter behind us.

"Levi, please don't-"

"Don't what? Talk to you?" His scowl puppeted his face as he placed a hand on his hip, eyes boring into mine without any hesitation.

"You get mad at me for giving you a shitty answer in the river, and when I try and fix my mistake, you get even more butthurt over it," Levi closed in, our bodies nearly touching as he backed me against the counter, my hands fumbling against it behind me as I stared into his eyes.

He reached his hands on either side of mine, leaning even closer. My heart raced through every part of my body, an almost sickening sensation when paired with my hesitation and guilt.

"What do you want me to say, [Y/n]?"

Levi looked desperate now.

I tried to glare at him, but my face didn't obey me. It was just flat and emotionless, and I couldn't find the right words to say to him.

"I don't want you to say anything," I finally managed to speak, my voice almost shaky.

"I want you to leave me alone."

Levi leaned away, stepping back and placing a hand on his head, like he couldn't believe what I was saying.

"That's complete and utter bullshit, [Y/n]," He argued back, peering at me through the space between the fingers that cupped his head.

He then dropped his hand back down to his side.

"It's bullshit and you know it," He took a step closer, black hair falling across his twitching brow. "You couldn't stay away from me at the cabin, and now you want nothing to do with me. What the hell is going on with you?"

I quickly stepped away from the counter, distracting myself by putting the remaining groceries away, my hands a trembling mess as I forced my body to comply with the task.

"Nothing is going on with me."

"You're dodging the questions," Levi's voice called stubbornly from behind me.

"I am not dodging the questions Levi, leave me-"

When I turned around to confront him, he was already there. He snatched both my wrists in his pale hands, dropping his harsh glare and allowing a gentler expression to counter my fretful frown. I lost myself in his wondrous eyes, and quickly shut mine to find myself again.

Levi spoke again.

"I'm worried about you." His smooth voice filled my ears, my heart throbbing both painfully and softly inside me.

I clenched my fists, the tendons in my wrists flexing under Levi's grasp.

"Don't be."

"I can't help it." He said.

Levi was still looking at me when I daringly opened my eyes again. This man was persistent, and I couldn't fight him away. My heart would no longer allow that.

But I had to try...

"I can't let you worry about me anymore..."

Levi's scowl was restored by my words.

"Tell me why," He ordered. "Tell me why I can't worry about you."

I yanked my hands out of his grasp by using the strength I've accumulated over the years as a Scout, voluntarily backing against the counter now to gain some space from him.

My voice was now hoarse and cold, my fingers sore from clenching them down, my fingernails leaving marks in my palms.

"Because..."

My downcast voice filled the soulless Mess Hall.

I drew in a piercing breath that made my ears ring and my eyes burn. My stomach churned, a headache setting in, quick to grab the opportunity to throw me off balance.

I wavered.
...

"There's something I haven't told you."