Spring passed by.

Summer was knocking on our doors.

We had returned to HeadQuarters a few weeks back, leaving that rusted cabin behind and returning its old name of abandonment.

We couldn't stay there as long as we pleased.

Despite not having titans to deal with anymore, we were still apart of the military. This meant we had responsibilities that we could not completely disregard. No matter if it was something as simple as paperwork, we were still expected to play our part.

We had our fun, and now it was time to return to reality.

I had to say, though, that returning to my room in the barracks has never felt so good. The room in the cabin was nice, but it seems that I've grown overly attached to my original home.

Most people in the Scouts had homes they could return to the days we were not preparing for expeditions. But I, on the other hand, did not.
I lived here more than half my life, ever since I was just sixteen years old.

I lived here the first day I joined the Scouting Regiment, I lived here the day I went on my first expedition outside the Walls, the days I met my comrades, the days I felt both happy and sad. I lived here the day I met Levi, the day he became Captain, the day he and I declared eachother enemies. I lived here through thick and thin, throught it all.

This place was my home, a shell that represented who I was.

A Scout.

A soldier...

No matter how hard it was to swallow that title, it was true.

And that was the role I would always have to play.

●●●

《 Chapter 17 》• The Truth Is A Lie

●●●

I stepped down the hall of HeadQuarters that led down to the Mess Hall, an old book tucked snuggly under my right arm.
When I entered the room, it was empty as always.

After Wall Maria, we had lost a great amount of our soldiers in the death charge.

Very few people have been recruited since then, and none stayed holed up in the HeadQuarters the ways I did. They only stopped by every now and then for training to keep up on their skills, and otherwise returned to their homes.

So, unlike in the past, the Mess Hall was always unoccupied.

Or so I thought.

My eyes caught glimpse of Hange and Levi sat at a table in the back, discussing something incoherent as I neared.

Hange spotted me, but did not coax me over.

I told her upfront that I'd really rather not speak to Levi, so she's been laying off the forceful groupings, thankfully.
Ever since the river, I've kept my distance more than ever before, and I'd like to keep it that way... For now, at least.

So I just took a seat at a table far from them, ignoring Levi's hard stare that burned into my back, burying my eyes in the words of the book I'd brought along with me.

Honestly, I couldn't focus.

Not only was Levi's staring ticking me off, but also the hoard of many questions that prospered in my heart.

Did he resent me?

It wasn't a direct answer.

I can't know for certain, but If he truly does, how will I ever move on from this shitty feeling inside of me?
It feels like if he hates me, more than in the past, I'll break- like I'm some sort of fragile thing that needs to be handled with utmost care, or I'll crack at any given moment. I can't seem to go a moment without thinking of him. He's everywhere I go, everything reminds me of him.

This silence is killing me, but I have to bare it.

I can't go near him, not if he hates me.

I don't have the right to force my way into his life.

...

I saw Hange walk passed, exiting the Mess Hall as I was lost in thought. I brought my head up from the book, watching her go.

Then I felt a presence behind me.

"I've never seen you read before."

I grit my teeth.

"Yeah, well, I needed a new hobby," I responded snappily, a little more harsh than I intended. "I'd like to be left alone."

I just kept my eyes on the tangy scented pages, ignoring the man who scoffed behind me.

"What's with the damn cold shoulder?" He walked around the table, taking a seat on the bench in front of me, crossing his arms and legs as his lips curved downward. His eyes put me on trial, forcing me to feel guilty for remaining unresponsive.

Seriously?

He's mad that I'm giving him the cold shoulder after what he said?

"Just giving you space," I answered venomously, flipping a page. "I'd appreciate it if you gave me mine."

I wanted him to stay away.

I couldn't deal with this.

"Is this about that night at the river?" Levi asked, visibly growing more tense.

I raised a curious brow.

"What do you think, Levi?" I rolled my eyes as hard as I could, trying to shove my face deeper into the book to avoid meeting his gaze.

He glared.

"I think you should let me rephrase what I said that night."

Now I shut the book, handing him a skeptical look.

"I'm trying to respect your boundaries, why are you so insistent on talking to me if you hate me?" My nails scratched the cover of the book as I mirrored his daring glare.

But my brows fell into a look of sheer surprise when he rose to his feet, leaning over the table and grabbing me by the collar of my fleeced shirt, bringing me closer to his fiery scowl.

"Did you not hear what I just said?" He growled, fingers brushing against my neck. "Do you need me to spell it out for you, or are you going to sit down and listen to me?"

I was quiet, gulping down my unease as he released me, taking my silence as a yes. I sat awkwardly.

"Listen to me, [Y/n],"

Levi pinched the bridge of his nose in an exasperated sigh, his grey sleeve falling down his arm when he raised it to do so.

"I... Shouldn't have said it like that."

I froze.

"The answer is no. I don't resent you. I don't resent anyone other than those brainless titans and that hairy ass bastard..."

He spoke of the Beast Titan.

I thought of Erwin.

My chest tightened.

"But not you..."

He said.

"Never you."

...

Never... Me?

I felt a swarm for butterflies break out of their cocoons with the wings Levi planted, fluttering through my chest in a flurry of undiluted emotion, my mouth falling ajar. I watched him stare through me, his sharp jaw clenching as he fought for the right words to say.

Levi then pulled the book away from me when he saw that I was digging my fingertips into it resolutely, the skin below my nails flushing a blistered red.

"You're going to hurt yourself if you keep gripping it like that." He told me, a softer gleam glazing over his once emotionless eyes.

The candlelight of the Mess Hall was weak and obscure, but I could still see it splash over Levi's profile, revealing that same scar I had been so submerged in that time we spent together.
I hadn't really paid much mind to it at the time... But now I was taking in the full fact of how open we had been with eachother that night. I was realizing how close we'd been, and how bonded we had felt in that exact, serene moment.

Levi looked immensely younger in front of me as his face gave way to an expression I've never seen before.

He looked vulnerable and curious, like he was waiting for me to respond, like he'd wait years to hear my response if that's what it took.

I could barely fight back to silent sob that rose in my throat, eyes swelling with tears. I turned my head away, refusing to let them spill.

"That's... A relief..." I rasped, my voice shrill. I didn't look back up at Levi, not wanting to see if that look on his face had dissapeared. I wanted to savor it in my mind, to bottle it and keep it in a special place forever.

...

But I shouldn't be feeling so childish right now...

I was still at fault.

I had no right to be sitting here like this right now.

I turned and wiped the tears that sat in my eyes away, careful to not let Levi see.

Then I faced him.

"But..."

I rose from the seat, leaving the book in Levi's possession.

"You really should resent me."