Chapter 25

“I know Aislinn, I know…. He seemed really enthusiastic when I talked to him, but he just didn’t show up! And he didn’t pick up when I called. I don’t know. Maybe it’s time to just let him go. I thought there was something, but obviously I’m not worth the time and the effort, so I should stop trying so hard.” Catherine spoke into the phone as she walked down the busy street, the sun shining down brightly. She huffed, feeling the rejection in her heart even though she tried to play it cool and collected. Aislinn wouldn’t be fooled though. Her own heart ached for Catherine as well. She had thought that they had connected that night, but Cat hadn’t brought it up again and Aislinn didn’t dare ruin their friendship.

“Well, maybe it’s time to just focus on school for a little while, and forget this guy. He can’t be all that great if he’s passing up on someone as great as you.” Aislinn smiled and blushed a little as she complimented Cat. Catherine smiled, her heart fluttering just a bit.

“That’s so sweet Aislinn. Thank you. Listen. I have to go. I’m almost at the coffee shop. You want anything? I’ll be back soon.” Catherine was only about a block away from the shop.

“Nah. I’m good. Text me when you’re back on campus. Talk to you later Cat.” Then there was a click as Aislinn hung up, and Catherine was able to focus on crossing the street as incoming traffic stopped.

Catherine opened up the coffee shop door, the small bell ringing to alert the employees. It was almost empty save for a few people trying to get their caffeine fix. Catherine’s brown eyes scanned the faces in the crowd, and suddenly she stopped mid strut on her way to the counter. There he sat, looking haggard, the circles under his eyes heavy, his hair a mess. She walked over slowly.

“S-Spencer? Is that you?” she gently tapped him on the shoulder as she spoke, making him jump. “Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you!”

“No no no, it’s okay. I was just…. Lost in thoughts.” His voice seemed distant, just like his eyes. She sat down, studying his face.

“Spencer…. Don’t take this the wrong way but you look like hell.”  She suddenly felt worried, reaching out her hand to his to hold it slightly. He pulled away, leaving her hand empty on the table. A small twinge of rejection pulled at her heart, but she ignored it, seeing as Spencer didn’t quite seem himself. All anger of being stood up the previous night had dissipated as she sat across from him. “Spencer…. What happened? What’s wrong? Are you sick?” She took off her coat as she spoke, making him see that she wasn’t going anywhere. He stared at her, his eyes haunting. His face was pale, his lips parched. She could feel her stomach drop, her sense of worry increasing. She was suddenly scared for him. Something wasn’t right. “Before you start, let me get you some water. You look like you could use some.” She stood up, going to the counter and ordering two egg sandwiches and two waters. Spencer Reid was slender to begin with, but he looked as if he hadn’t eaten much, or taken care of himself. His brown hair was in knots and his facial hair was unkempt. She returned to the table, placing the food in front of him. “You need to eat and drink. You look truly malnourished.”

He stared at her for a second, mumbling an almost inaudible ‘thank you,’ as he took a small bite of his sandwich; however draining the water almost to empty. She stood up and refilled it for him again, then sat down.

“Spencer, what happened? Where were you yesterday? What happened on your case? You called me with such an odd question. Did it have something to do with that?” Cat stared at him, her brown eyes studying him. He looked up suddenly, realization dawning on him.

“Oh Cat! I’m so sorry. Our date! Our date yesterday. I…I didn’t show up… I… Oh I’m sorry. It… it wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. I’ve been….dealing with some things.” His voice trailed off into his thoughts. He didn’t really know Catherine all that well, yet here she was, sitting across from him, listening. There was a small part of himself, that just wanted to be held by her. To let his sorrows and burdens onto her shoulders, but he refrained and kept his composure.

“It’s okay Spencer… I can see now that there was something serious going on. Do you want to talk about it?” Suddenly Catherine realized that Spencer might not be able to talk about it yet, or might not want to discuss it with her. She took another bite of her sandwich, an awkward silence sitting between them. After a few minutes had passed, he finally said it, slowly, but clearly.

“My friend, my co-worker, JJ, was murdered on our case, almost a week ago. I’ve just been dealing with it. The whole team has. The whole family has.”

Catherine nearly spat out her drink as she spoke. She had never anticipated such an event as he said. She tucked her hair behind her ear, looking closely at him. Without hesitation she stood up, surprising him. She wrapped her arms around him tightly, letting his head sit on her shoulder. “Spencer… I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. I know how it feels… Just like with Cassandra.” She held onto him tightly and for the first time since the funeral he let himself be comforted by someone else. He did not cry, but he did return her hug completely, feeling her body heat against his.

“I think I will be okay. I just need….time.”  And help… The thought occurred to him almost subconsciously. What would Catherine, or his teammates do if they knew he was no longer clean? He had shot up twice now from the vial he had been given. How stupid he was to have given in, but the addiction and his guilt had proven to be stronger than any clean class he had taken. He touched at the inside of his elbow almost subconsciously, as if he was afraid Catherine would be able to see through his shirt and jacket, the bruised placed where he had injected the needle. The craving for the dilaudid had already taken affect, the addiction strong. He shook his head, clearing it and trying to focus on what was in front of him.

“Okay… just hear me out, but I think I should come with you back to your apartment. I don’t think you should be alone right now. Where is the rest of your team?” She stood up from her hug, taking a step back to see his reaction.

He cleared his throat. “They are all dealing with it in their own ways. Hotch and Rossi are on vacation time with their families. Penelope and Emily hang out quite often. Morgan went back to his hometown for a bit to visit his family. Penelope and Emily and Morgan call me about everyday… but sometimes I don’t pick up the phone… Sometimes I just…can’t.” Why was he telling her this? She didn’t need to know. He didn’t know her. She didn’t know him and his teammates. A small part of him suddenly felt angry at her intrusive questions, but then it quickly subsided, realizing that she was only trying to be kind. “Yeah… I wouldn’t mind some company right now. Would you like to go now?” Truth be told it had taken everything out of him to get out of his apartment and back into the real world and at this coffee shop. He felt like he needed to leave, the vial becoming more and more like an option to his sorrows. As dependent as he felt on it, he didn’t want it to control him. Getting out seemed like the simplest answer to stop the craving.

He stood up and led her, first walking ahead, but then walking almost in stride with her, back to his apartment, which was only a few blocks away. They walked in silence for some time until they finally reached the building. He was able to open the locked door first and led her inside. Not many people got to see the inside of his apartment, Catherine being one of the select few. He took off his coat and sat on the couch, Cat following.

“Okay, first off, I think you need a shower Spencer. Why don’t you go and take one and I’ll straighten up a bit.” She looked around, books littered the whole apartment, dirty dishes that had been sitting for days, and dirty clothes on the floor. AT first he wanted to disagree, not feeling so comfortable with someone touching his personal belongings, but the more he thought about it, the better the idea sounded. A nice hot shower, and someone to pick up after the mess he had made, not being able to find any motivation himself. He nodded and stood up, making his way to his bathroom. He stripped down, his naked frail body pale as a sheet as he turned on the hot water. The glass vial and the syringe sat on the sink in the bathroom. He stared at it for a second, the brief thought that the shower might be even nicer with a hit. He shook his head.

Not with Catherine here…

He hopped in, letting the warm water kill the chill that seemed to have entered his soul since that fateful night. Catherine went to work on straightening things up. Being there for the first time she wasn’t exactly sure where everything went, but she tried her best; placing dirty clothes in the hamper, washing the dirty dishes, and placing books in a neat pile, either in the bookcase or on the coffee table. Even before Spencer was out of the bathroom the apartment looked so much better. Catherine pulled back the curtains, letting sunlight drape itself across the room, giving new light, things looking less depressing.

Spencer exited the bathroom, a normal t-shirt and sweatpants adorned. His hair was brushed and he looked refreshed.

“You look so much better Spencer! How do you feel now that you’ve had some food and a shower?” She felt like she was talking to a child, and silently cursed herself that this was an older man, not someone she should be demeaning. She made a mental note to not treat him that way, he wasn’t going to ‘break’ on her. I guess it was only just natural instinct to precariously walk on egg shells around someone who had just lost somebody. He actually smiled a small smile.

“I do feel a bit better. Thank you for your help. The apartment looks great.” He sat down on the couch, looking comfortable.

“I was even able to brew some coffee.” She smiled, bringing the cup over to him, placing it down in front of him on the coffee table. He took it graciously, handling it with gentle finger tips because it was hot.

“Catherine… thank you so much. I’m still…. Really upset, but having you here and helping out definitely helps.” He took a sip of the coffee, almost spitting it out because of how strong it was. Catherine winced.

“I’m sorry, hahah I didn’t know how you took your coffee, so I just made it like the way I’m used to.” She took a sip of her own, slightly grimacing as well. “Whoops. Don’t know my own strength.”  She laughed, placing her cup down on the table in front of them. He stared at her. He gently pulled his hand up to her cheek, stroking it slightly. The only sound that could be heard was her soft breathing which was rhythmic with his.  “Spencer…I-“

Before she could say another word, he leaned in for a gentle kiss. It was slow at first, their soft lips meeting gently against one another. Her eyes widened, at first in surprised, but then they closed, letting herself relax against his body. He moved closed, his other hand holding the back of her head, entwining his hands in her soft curls. She deepened the kiss her own hands cupping the side of his face, the other wrapping itself around his waist. After a moment he pulled back, breaking the kiss, leaving her breathless. There were a few moments of silence, where all they did was just enjoy each other in the quiet.

“I’m…I’m here for you Spencer. Everything will be alright.” She caressed his face again, pulling back a bit, letting the moment pass behind them. Spencer smiled slightly, a small feeling of guilt clouding his head as he remembered the vial in the bathroom.

“Thank you Cat.” He hugged her tightly and then sat back, taking another sip of the strong coffee. Cat pulled out her phone, sending a text to Aislinn that she wasn’t coming back to campus anytime soon tonight. Spencer clicked on his TV and sat close to her, his arm around her, the thoughts of dilaudid finally going to the back of his mind as he let himself be comforted, if only for tonight, by Cat.