"In the end, we forget the details of our lives that embarrass us or are too painful. We just lie back and allow ourselves to float along calmly over the deep waters, with our eyes closed." Patrick Modiano, So You Don't Get Lost in the Neighborhood

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X.

Joe had never found Perrie Beresford to be a particularly endearing person, which was why he never suffered any guilt for any of the ridiculously immature behaviours he engaged in specifically to annoy her. Of course, when she retaliated in an equally immature way, there was never any need for guilt.

And neither one of them had ever attempted to atone for or apologise for a prank before either.

Until today.

Joe had lost his composure, his sanity, temporarily. He had not reacted to Perrie's prank, but to his own circumstances, and he had directed his ire and frustration solely at her. Joe had thrown everything at Perrie, and she had taken it. Extraordinarily, Perrie had taken it all.

And for the first time in the eleven years that he had known her, Perrie had attempted to make amends. She was the first of them both to properly apologise, and Joe had seen that she had meant every word.

Except she was apologising for a sin that was not hers. And as much as Joe would have revelled in having Perrie under his thumb like she was in any other circumstance, his own conscience couldn't have her apologising for this.

What she had pulled that morning was ridiculous and annoying. But it was no different to Joe leaning forward with a pair of scissors and cutting off a chunk of her hair when they were in school. Had Joe been in his right mind, as soon as he found the butter in his boots or the holes in his breeches, he would have begun plotting his counterattack.

But instead, he had been forced to sit with this awful feeling of guilt all day. He loathed Perrie for ruining his possessions, but the way he had behaved towards her was unforgiveable. He had chased her and shouted at her because of his own demons, and that was not right.

And despite this, despite his behaviour, Perrie had come to him, and she had tried to settle him. And then she had spent the better part of her day mending his breeches for him because she believed that his reaction was entirely her fault.

It had been mostly her fault, but not all.

Joe was still mortified at the way that Perrie had entered his bedroom to return his breeches, but the sentiment (which was a word he never believe that he would associate with Perrie Beresford) was not lost on him.

Perrie had apologised profusely for her own sins, and the sins of others, those she was unaware of. Joe's conscience was challenging him on this, and he had been forced to sit beside her at dinner while going through this inner conflict.

When he wasn't engaged in conversation, Joe was actively avoiding Perrie's eyes. He didn't know if it was his mind playing tricks on him, but they looked larger and bluer that evening. Perhaps it was an effect of her own guilt.

What he had not factored into consideration on what was most definitely his most challenging day at Ashwood thus far, was the duchess and dowager duchess planning a ball in which his family were invited to attend.

Joe had barely even begun to contemplate what he would do or say, when as the meal came to an end, he knew that he would have to speak to Perrie. He needed to do the right thing, to ease his own conscience so that they might return to their usual routine of healthy hatefulness.

What he had not realised, however, was that Perrie had been speaking to him. When Perrie had accused him of ignoring her, her eyes, the bright blue orbs which were twice as large as they normally were, looked hurt. Joe's own stomach squeezed tightly as he sensed this.

Joe didn't like that he had hurt Perrie. It was a realisation that came to him before he could even make sense of anything. This weakness was still very new to him, and it was something that was still quite frightening at times. When people appeared on his left, it made him entirely too aware of how defenceless he was. Perrie had already done this to him a few times without realising.

In the year since he had been deafened in his left ear, it had been startling how easy it was to neglect his left side. As he heard nothing through that ear, if he was not looking with his eyes and paying attention, it was as though nothing existed to the left of him.

Of course, he had been actively avoiding Perrie during the meal, but he had not counted on her trying to speak with him. It was a foolish assumption made given her sincere apology in his bedroom. Perhaps Joe was still too embarrassed to think with any common sense.

Joe's confession escaped his lips before he had even realised what he was saying. He couldn't take Perrie looking at him the way she was. It was easier to have her glare at him then to see any sort of hurt in her eyes.

Only a handful of people knew of Joe's deafness. The duke and duchess were the latest of the people Joe trusted with his new condition. And now Perrie knew. The girl he had spent the last decade and then some hating for one reason or another now knew of his greatest weakness.

And she had learned it from his own lips.

"You can't hear me?" Perrie whispered, shock rippling through her voice.

Joe shook his head in a subtle manner, keeping his eyes on her, searching her face thoroughly for her every thought, her specific reaction. Now that the words had escaped, Joe couldn't stop them. With his left hand, he reached up to brush his fingers over the exterior of his ear. "I am deaf in this ear," he confessed quietly.

Perrie was clearly very surprised, and her head slightly cocked to the side as she looked around at his ear. Perhaps she was searching for a scar, of perhaps she was expecting to see some visible evidence of deafness. She would not find either.

"But not in the other ear?"

"No. I can hear normally out of my other ear."

"How?" Perrie wondered curiously. "How did this happen? Were you always deaf?"

Had he been deaf as a child, and had Perrie known about it, Joe couldn't imagine all the torture she would have been able to inflict upon him. He would have returned the favour ten-fold. He had always been better at the games then she was. "No, I wasn't always this way. It does not matter how. But that is why. I was not ignoring you."

Joe could see that there was a dozen or so questions bubbling on the tip of Perrie's tongue, and he had no desire to answer them. He needed to settle his conscience right there and then so that they could return to their usual harmonious interactions.

"I am very sorry for the way I reacted this morning." Joe had already apologised, but he wanted to provide as much context as he was comfortable doing. His apology earlier had clearly not quelled Perrie's own belief that she was wholly responsible. "I want you to know that I had other things on my mind that contributed to the way I reacted, and that those things were responsible for how angry I was. Not you."

Perrie face softened as she listened to him, but her eyes were entirely too expressive. Were Joe not attempting to quell her guilt, he would have barked at her to control them. "But I ruined your boots."

"I'm aware."

"And I cut holes in your breeches."

"Which you mended." And impressively so, but he was not about to stroke her ego.

"And I barged into your bedroom while you were changing."

Perrie realised too late that her voice had risen to the point where she had captured the attention of the table. Joe, similarly, was too late to recognise the rise in volume, but he was quick to turn his head towards the duke and see that his intense brow was furrowed as deeply as it could.

"You did what?"

Whatever was left of Joe's pride promptly left him, and he felt like dying right there at the table. Justifiably, Perrie appeared just as embarrassed.

"Perrie?" prompted the duchess. There was an expression of shock across her face which contrasted the rage and confusion of her husband.

Perrie panicked, exclaiming, "I saw nothing! I promise!"

Where was the nearest cliff? Drowning would work, too. Perrie constantly threatened to drown him. She could make good on that right now. Could he drag her down to the pond before her father murdered him with a blunt butter knife?

"What were you doing going into Mr Parish's –" Adam stopped himself and turned to the footmen who were standing at the edge of the dining room. "We are a trusted household, are we not?" he spoke sternly, in perhaps the most serious tone that Joe had ever heard the duke use.

"Of course, Your Grace. We have heard nothing," one of the footmen promised seriously, before Adam dismissed them both from the dining room.

"Papa, I didn't see anything, I swear!" Perrie insisted again. "I was just returning something of his, and it was entirely an accident."

Was she an exceptionally good liar or did she really see nothing? By the emphatic way she spoke, Joe believed that Perrie thankfully hadn't seen him in such a state. She had screamed and turned rather quickly.

"Grace, check my hair. Is it entirely grey?" Adam groaned as he smacked his head back against his chair.

"I am this close to keeping you home next year and forbidding you for debuting," Adam held out his thumb and forefinger, indicating very little patience.

Joe, in and amongst his own mortification, did believe that the duke's threat was really for his own benefit. He had already stated on numerous occasions that he didn't want Perrie to leave. Joe did not really understand why, but he would accept that her own father would find something endearing about her.

That was cruel.

Where had that thought come from? It was not his own. It was as though his conscience had checked him, punished him.

Her instinct was to comfort you when she thought you were in pain.

Joe shook away the barrage of guilt. That was all it was – guilt.

"Over my dead body!" Cecily cried out from the other end of the table. "You heard Perrie. It was all an accident."

"Perrie said no such thing, Mother," Adam snapped. His angry eyes returned to his eldest daughter. "You do something like that again and I will make you marry him!"

Perrie sucked in a sharp breath as Joe muttered, "Over my dead body."

A sudden blow came to strike him in his left shin, and the brief look of smugness on Perrie's face confirmed that she had kicked him.

"I would rather stick pins in my eyes then marry Mr Parish, Papa!" Perrie said emphatically.

Joe rolled his eyes.

"I would rather stick pins in my eyes then hear of this sort of behaviour again, Peregrine. Am I quite understood?"

Perrie sighed. "Yes, Papa." She nodded.

Adam exhaled lethargically and he rose from his chair, mumbling under his breath that he needed a whiskey. But as he walked around the table, he stopped behind Perrie's chair and placed his hands on her shoulders. Joe watched the duke's face with astonished curiosity. Adam leaned down and kissed Perrie on the top of her head, and uttered something, but Joe's head was not turned quite enough to hear what he had said.

But he did turn in time to head Perrie's response. She said, "I love you, too, Papa."

And Joe was completed floored.

Adam had been furious, or as furious as Joe had seen him. Perrie had done something remarkably foolish, and Joe had not really realised the extent of the consequences until then, but really, he and Perrie could have been forced to marry. Joe was a gentleman, after all.

He had not grown up with sisters, and so he had not been surrounded by the fears or pressures of reputations, tarnished or not. But Adam had clearly just been concerned for Perrie's reputation. He had been angry. He had worried that his hair had turned grey.

And in the same breath he had still told Perrie that he loved her. No matter what she had done, or what she inevitably would do, she still had the knowledge that her father loved her. Unconditionally.

"I think it is time for bed," Grace declared.

"But it's still early!" Charlie complained.

"Bed," his mother instructed, motioning for her children to start moving.

Adam left the dining room first, no doubt in search of the whiskey he craved, leaving the rest of them behind.

After he left, Joe turned back to look at Perrie. He did not know what he expected to see from her, but he certainly did not see any evidence that she had just been chastised. She did not appear fearful that she would be turned out. She was not worried about being disowned. Why would she be?

She was loved. She was told, and probably quite often, that she was loved. Joe knew that he couldn't blame her for that. That was not a reason to find Perrie insufferable. There were plenty of other reasons, but that was not one of them. What he was experiencing, he now knew, was envy.

Perrie took for granted words that Joe had never heard before from anyone other than his brother.

They all began to stand from the table, a hum of conversation returning to the room.

"How did you come to be this way?" Perrie asked, darting around to the right side of him. "I don't understand how one becomes deaf. How does your ear stop working? Can it happen to anyone? Could I become deaf? What happened to you?"

"Has anyone every told you that you're an annoying little imp?" Joe grumbled.

"No, I have never heard that before." Perrie huffed. "Won't you tell me? Please?"

Perrie was too innocent and naïve. Her line of questioning was evidence enough. She had no idea about the world, and what could happen to people when they were out in it. Clearly.

Joe could barely talk to himself about what had happened, let alone her. "I told you about this to give you some context," he hissed, and rather harshly.

Perrie's mouth snapped shut.

"I imagine you will go blabbing, but –"

"I won't tell anyone," Perrie interrupted him bluntly. "I'm sorry for asking so many questions. I'm just ... curious. I'm sorry."

Joe winced. Why was she looking at him like that? Her eyes were so large and emotive, filled with inquisitiveness, sympathy, and a want for understanding. "Stop it with your eyes!" Joe snarled under his breath. He couldn't look at her. He just couldn't. He left her then, storming away and heading directly out of the dining room.

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Ugh. If men could just sit down and talk about their feelings healthily, there would be no wars. 

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. 

Lol, I hope you enjoyed it!

Why is Joe deaf? What happened? What's up with his family? Will he ever sort his shit out? Only I know. Muahahahahahaha

But on a real note, I work with children on the daily who have unilateral or bilateral hearing loss. A colleague of mine has unilateral hearing loss. Rockstars. Not a weakness. I believe the stat is 1 in 1000 children are born with unilateral hearing loss, and we are so fortunate to live in a time where technology allows people to access the hearing world as regularly as possible. Disabilities should not prevent people from enjoying and participating in the world around them, and they certainly don't make people less than.

Joe's hearing loss was inspired by a student who had UHL. She is the most gorgeous little girl. As we, the teachers, learned how to move around her, and which side to communicate with her on, she was able to engage wholly and wonderfully, and is a terrifically bright and clever cookie. 

But in watching her last year, she inspired this trait in Joe.  I even gave him her initial. While Joe's hearing loss is not born, something has clearly happened, I still want the best for him, as I did and do for that student.

Bonus quote for you.

"The thing about hearing loss is that no one can see it. Most people are so impatient; they just assume that the person with hearing loss is being rude, or slow witted." Marion Ross

Make sure you always face a person with hearing loss when you are speaking to them :)

Vote and comment xxx